Coming out to Family

[Maelstrom_17]

So, I came out to family as agender last year and again this year. My dad's reactions were pretty neutral, such as "Don't focus on it too much, just focus on your studies" which kind of pissed me off, since it seemed to be implying that my gender identity isn't important. But he also had some supportive things to say, such as, "If you get a good education (like a PhD or something) and your gender identity is different from others, then people can't really discriminate against you! (not exactly true, but then again, knowing him, he did not mean it "that" way.) Then, of course, there was my mom, who was like "Keep it to yourself! People are going to discriminate against you! You're sort of a sinner!" As a non-religious person, this type of stuff pissed me off pretty quickly.

My parents, who don't like "other" LGBTQA people, were essentially all, "keep your differences to yourself. LGBTQA clubs on campus contain all the weird people who smoke weed and come from a low socioeconomic status (which is funny because we are only middle class.) and were worried about what their Asian community would think if they saw me going to those "clubs." Then I was like, but I need people to talk to about gender issues and asexuality! I also asked them if I could talk to them about agender/asexuality, but they didn't agree to that either. So, I'm not sure what to do. I mean, I'm obviously on these forums, but I'd like to have more real-life support, if you know what I mean. :)

[butterscotchwm]

Fuck it! Do it anyways.

Even though your parents didnt yell or scream, kick you out of the house, or actively tried to change you, they still didn't act very fairly, I think. They're not being supportive or understanding. So I would say if you can't get that support from your parents, get it from your LGBTQA community at school if you can.

[LadyErzsebet]

Well, I'm not going to directly say you should definitely do stuff that will cause conflict in your family but you can make a decision about whether your parents will find out, how angry they'd be, etc vs how much you'd benefit from LGBT student groups. My parents were really supportive (although asexuality took a little while--funnily enough, the least supportive member of my family was my little sister who now identifies as grey-aromantic demisexual) but LGBT student groups were still a really big deal for me. You can try to reassure your parents that LGBT student groups are perfectly "respectable" (and often quite mainstream) or you can just go anyways, if that's what you want. Also, you don't necessarily have to go regularly. One of the jokes about the biggest LGBT student group on my campus is that a bunch of people always go the first few meetings so that they can identify other LGBT folk later (the joke mainly suggests for hookups, but I prefer to think of it as for connections/friendship :D )

Good luck!

[nerdperson777]

I think I would suggest trying to educate them with websites or books, if they're even open to things like that. But I guess coming out as agender would get less negative reactions than a binary transgender. My dad has said some awful things too, like "if you spend your time reading and studying, your mind will be preoccupied, and your problems will go away". More like my mind will be preoccupied with my problems and my studying will go away. (Well, it kinda did.) My parents are primarily concerned with their reputation and how others will think of me. But you can at least prove to them that the LGBT+ community doesn't just smoke weed. In a way it's kind of like making a big deal about something that shouldn't be. Keeping up a reputation is too much effort, even for me who didn't really have one anyway.

[Maelstrom_17]

Fuck it! Do it anyways.

Even though your parents didnt yell or scream, kick you out of the house, or actively tried to change you, they still didn't act very fairly, I think. They're not being supportive or understanding. So I would say if you can't get that support from your parents, get it from your LGBTQA community at school if you can.

I get what you mean :D I understand their point of view, which is talking about gender and/or sexual orientation is a huge taboo in the country that they came from, which is why they weren't exactly sure how to act. It's really confusing to them and considering the fact that collectivist cultures (like the one they came from ) encourage conformity as a form of social cohesion. Of course I wish that they would be supportive, it's just that the background in which they came from, when people were growing up, girls wouldn't even talk to their sisters about getting their periods and things like that. (my parents are a lot more progressive then that, since they gave me books about periods and stuff) Pretty much anything non-conformative is taboo and will get at best "neutral reactions" and at worst "a kick you out of the house mentality."

[LadyErzsebet]

Make sure you stay safe though! If you think your parents might kick you out, make sure you have a place to go and resources to call upon. My honorary sister had to leave her family because her dad was being a transphobic jerk and she didn't feel safe so now she lives with my family.

Hopefully it won't come to anything like that, but remember to be safe. Also, it does not undermine your identity to stay in the closet for your own safety. You are brave being yourself, no matter who else knows.

[Maelstrom_17]

Lady Erzsebet, thanks for your concern! They aren't going to kick me out (I'm 99.99% certain of that.) especially because (according to my mom) it would make her feel like a parent who is a failure.

[LadyErzsebet]

Lady Erzsebet, thanks for your concern! They aren't going to kick me out (I'm 99.99% certain of that.) especially because (according to my mom) it would make her feel like a parent who is a failure.

Well, that's a good thing then. I'm a terrible worrier, especially since my honorary sister came to live with my family. As long as you stay with your parents, there's a commitment to working something out and a possibility of them coming to understand and support you better.

[VindicatorPhoenix]

I'm sorry to hear about your parents' negatives reactions to you coming out as agender. They sounded to me like they were unsupportive. :( I particularly found it bitter that your mom called you a sinner. I have nothing against religious people, but when they say stuff like that to me, my blood boils. :evil:

If you have an accessible GSRM group (such as an LGBTQA+ group), I'd try them. Hopefully they'll be more accepting and welcoming of you, and willing to talk about being asexual and agender. I believe that it's important to feel happy and proud of your identity since many people will discriminate against minorities and/or look at you as an abnormal, lesser human being. There are people out there who will try to break you down so it's important to be built back up. That's why I love accepting, caring people and strive to be one myself. :)

Hopefully, you'll find caring people in a GSRM group and/or accepting people elsewhere in the real world. Generally speaking, urban areas and well-educated people are probably your best bets for finding acceptance (that's not to say you can't find them elsewhere, though). You can always find tons of us here on AVEN as well, to which you can talk. We'll give you nothing but love, respect, and acceptance! :D

Arielle <3

EDIT: There was a bunch of blank space below (like 20 lines or something, since my cat walked across my keyboard and tried to steal my sandwich), so I took it out! :lol:

[Maelstrom_17]

I'm sorry to hear about your parents' negatives reactions to you coming out as agender. They sounded to me like they were unsupportive. :( I particularly found it bitter that your mom called you a sinner. I have nothing against religious people, but when they say stuff like that to me, my blood boils. :evil:

If you have an accessible GSRM group (such as an LGBTQA+ group), I'd try them. Hopefully they'll be more accepting and welcoming of you, and willing to talk about being asexual and agender. I believe that it's important to feel happy and proud of your identity since many people will discriminate against minorities and/or look at you as an abnormal, lesser human being. There are people out there who will try to break you down so it's important to be built back up. That's why I love accepting, caring people and strive to be one myself. :)

Hopefully, you'll find caring people in a GSRM group and/or accepting people elsewhere in the real world. Generally speaking, urban areas and well-educated people are probably your best bets for finding acceptance (that's not to say you can't find them elsewhere, though). You can always find tons of us here on AVEN as well, to which you can talk. We'll give you nothing but love, respect, and acceptance! :D

Arielle <3

EDIT: There was a bunch of blank space below (like 20 lines or something, since my cat walked across my keyboard and tried to steal my sandwich), so I took it out! :lol:

It's just a cultural thing. People seldom talked about their sexuality, gender, and or other "personal" things in the country where my parents came from, so it's sort of an awkward taboo to talk about such things. At least that's what my dad said.

Update: I can now mention the word "agender" more frequently in front of my mom without her calling me a sinner. She's also slowly getting used to the word as well. She still insists that my lifestyle is incompatible with hers, but she's getting used to it slowly.

[Kappamaki]

Update: I can now mention the word "agender" more frequently in front of my mom without her calling me a sinner. She's also slowly getting used to the word as well. She still insists that my lifestyle is incompatible with hers, but she's getting used to it slowly.

Congratulations about the slow progress!

I still have no idea how it is that people of certain religions tend to decry everything that doesn't match their lifestyle as "sin" whether or not it's ever described as sin in their scripture. That's just using religion to justify fear of the Other.