Pretty sure I am gray-ace, but freaking out about it

[booksoversex]

Hi! I'm new here. For the sake of my privacy I won't say much about myself, except that I am Norwegian and in my mid-20s (and not at all "out", as you probably figured from what I wrote about my privacy).

I have over the past few years realized more and more that I'm not as interested in sex as my peers. At first I didn't think much about it, I have some friends who are in steady relationships and they virtually never talk about sex, so for all I knew they felt the same as me. I mainly noticed a difference between me and other single friends. Some of them seemed almost sex-obsessed to me. Some of them would always complain when they'd gone as little as a few weeks without sex. For me, it has normally been months or over a year since I had sex last, and it hasn't really bothered me. It has only bothered me to the extent where I feel like I ought to have sex because my friends nag me about it, or because I have somehow thought it to be "natural" to have sex at least a couple of times a year.

Sex has just always seemed a bit... strange to me, or distant. We have a good word to explain that sensation in Norwegian but I'm not sure what the English equivalent is. What I am saying is that to me, sex isn't something that's natural to think about. I have never once looked at a person and thought that I wanted to sleep with them or wondered what they looked like naked. In fact, the thought has seemed almost alien to me, imagining anyone in a sexual situation. I know people have sex and it doesn't bother me at all, it's more that I don't really think about it. Sometimes people tell me stories which include details about their sex life and it just seems very weird to me. If I have sex it feels like a very private thing, not something I would walk around telling everyone about. I never really thought much about this either - I figured no one actually looked at someone and thought they wanted to sleep with them. Then, after a couple of conversations with some friends who are always "single and looking", I realize that yes, they do. They DO actually look at a person for the first time and feel something, something sexual, and think that they want to sleep with them. I treat boys and girls the same and don't see them/think of them differently when I meet them.

This realization is probably what first made me conclude what I had suspected for a long time: That I am different when it comes to sex.

I have had sex before, and I have also enjoyed it. I've had a couple of boyfriends whom I had sex with, the sex could be great, even. This is probably the main reason I never thought I was asexual before. But thinking back, I realize that what I liked was the sex in itself, so to speak. I didn't get turned on by looking at my boyfriend, I didn't fantasise about him. If I fantasised, it was about other people (not me either) and some kind of a scenario. He could send me pictures of himself naked and all it would do was make me blush or feel embarassed, never turned on. I found the whole notion of "dick pics" rather ridicolous, and figured people mostly sent it because it was "forbidden" and thus exciting, not because it actually, physically turned them on to send and receive such pics. I had a "friend with benefits" when I was 19. That sex was decent too. But I think what I mostly liked in the situation was that it was exciting and a bit taboo in itself.

I do masturbate, but mostly as a way to relieve stress and pressure building up in the body. I have never thought about a specific person while masturbating (that seems alien to me), and neither have I thought of myself in a sexual situation (which seems equally alien). Sometimes I don't think about anything at all, just enjoy the sensation, or I think about specific sexual situations/scenarios/stories. I can be turned on by erotica stories and pornography, especially those with certain themes, but it's generally not something I seek out most of the time, sometimes as a supplement because I feel the tensions coming on and know I have to masturbate to get rid of them. A rather ironic thing here is that several of my sexual friends actively seek out partnered sex, but never masturbate. For this reason too I guess it never occurred to me that I was asexual.

I have noticed it at times, for instance that calling someone "hot" or "sexy" has seemed weird. What do those terms mean? I don't even understand what sexual attraction is. I used to think it was just finding someone physically attractive/pleasing to look at. But I've realized that it's more, for a lot of people. When they say someone is really hot they implicitely mean "this is someone I would love to have sex with", while that thought just never occurred to me. I have almost panicked at times when small-talking or somewhat flirting with someone as I have realized they might be thinking this, while I am not. Instead I often call people "cute" or "good-looking" or "charming". For instance, I often feel a certain attraction to or chemistry with dark-haired guys in "hipster" glasses. But I cannot in any way say it is a sexual attraction. It's not like I dream of/think of having sex with them or get aroused when seeing them. It's more that they appeal to me, and if they smile to me I can get that tingling/butterfly sense in my stomach. Is this sexual attraction? I don't even know. That's also why it's impossible for me to discern whether I am even asexual. These things seem to be very intuitive for a lot of people, something they've known since they were children, while for me it has only occurred to me recently that I might actually be different in this aspect.

Another thing which has made me think this is that when friends (about once every two weeks) asks me what's new in my love life, and I once again reply nothing (something with an "as usual") added at the end, they look at me and say "how sad!" or, "really?" etc., like this is weird. Often they ask me if I have anyone particular in my sights, and I say (truthfully) no, no one. The conclusion of virtually all these conversations is that they seem puzzled by my dead love life or, rather, the fact that it doesn't seem to bother me, and I always end up saying I'm just not really that interested. This seems to be unfathomable to them, and this reaction has also caused me to realize I am different from them in this aspect.

I have had a couple of boyfriends and I would love to be in a committed, intimate relationship, a relationship of love and trust. I don't automatically see sex in it, but I don't necessarily see no sex in it either. I guess I am one of many seeing sex almost as a pre-requisite of a relationship, and imagining a deep relationship like the one I seek without sex somehow seems alien too, although I am more and more realizing this is probably just a result of societal expectations. I have simply never heard of a relationship like this without sex. Asexuality is not something I've ever heard about here in Norway, otherwise a very open country when it comes to sex and people's sexual preferences. This also freaks me out a bit. I probably wouldn't mind having sex in a relationship like that and I really want children, but I can't imagine how I'll ever get there if I'm not interested in flirting, dating, casual sex. I just want to find the right guy and get to that stage of a relationship, but I have no idea how. The dating culture of Norway is very sexual. The most common way of starting to date is getting drunk, sleeping together, THEN scheduling a date, then the same thing happening again and eventually, more dates (including dinner dates, not something which normally happens before the sex stage here) and getting to know each other better here. How am I even going to meet someone in a dating climate like this? How can I ever find someone if I don't pick up their sexual cues (I really don't) or send out the right "vibes" (apparently I seem disinterested because, even if I wouldn't really mind sleeping with someone although it seems a weird thing which I don't really imagine, I send out completely "platonic" vibes, whatever that is)?

I don't always relate to stuff written of asexual experiences, but usually I relate to a lot of it, especially the gray-ace/sex-indifferent stuff.

What do you guys think? Am I gray-asexual, or am I just less sexual than many others? I know a lot of you don't like to tell people they are/aren't asexual, but for me it's not an identity marker, just something I want to know because it would explain a lot.

[deltaX]

Hello, and welcome to AVEN!! :cake:

Even though I can't tell you for sure whether you are gray-ace, you do sound like you share a lot of experiences with people on the asexual spectrum, so it's probably worth looking into further. One thing I would recommend is looking into different types of attraction. Attraction doesn't always have to be sexual- it can be romantic, aesthetic, sensual, platonic, etc- but if you aren't familiar with the subtle differences, it's very easy to get confused. Understanding the different attractions fairly well might help you classify exactly what it is you are feeling, and help you figure out if you do experience sexual attraction or not.

I guess that wasn't exactly the yes or no answer you were looking for, but if you continue exploring, I'm sure you can figure it out on your own eventually. Best of luck with figuring it all out, and regardless of what you decide, I hope you enjoy being a member here! :)

[aawhystine]

Honestly, you don't sound like gray-ace at all, but completely asexual, as it isn't defined by behavior, but by attraction. Over and over again in your post you mention not understanding sexual attraction, but participating in sexual activity.

I am asexual, but I masterbate, watch porn, and read romances and erotica that get me all hot and bothered. But I've never been sexually or romantically attracted to anyone. If I admire someone's form, it's not out of attraction, but out of aesthetics.

[Lady Girl]

Hi and welcome! This is a great place to learn for yourself if you want to put a word to your feelings. It's also a great place to make some new friends and feel supported too. I'm glad you joined and hope you love being part of this awesome community.!!! :)

Honestly, you don't sound like gray-ace at all, but completely asexual, as it isn't defined by behavior, but by attraction. Over and over again in your post you mention not understanding sexual attraction, but participating in sexual activity.

We can never with certainty tell someone else whether they are Gray, Demi, or asexual. It's pretty important for each person to decide for themselves (even when they ask). :)

[aawhystine]

Hi and welcome! This is a great place to learn for yourself if you want to put a word to your feelings. It's also a great place to make some new friends and feel supported too. I'm glad you joined and hope you love being part of this awesome community.!!! :)

Honestly, you don't sound like gray-ace at all, but completely asexual, as it isn't defined by behavior, but by attraction. Over and over again in your post you mention not understanding sexual attraction, but participating in sexual activity.

We can never with certainty tell someone else whether they are Gray, Demi, or asexual. It's pretty important for each person to decide for themselves (even when they ask). :)

I know that, but I also know that comparing your experiences to others can put them into perspective. It certainly did for me.

[booksoversex]

Hi and welcome! This is a great place to learn for yourself if you want to put a word to your feelings. It's also a great place to make some new friends and feel supported too. I'm glad you joined and hope you love being part of this awesome community.!!! :)

Honestly, you don't sound like gray-ace at all, but completely asexual, as it isn't defined by behavior, but by attraction. Over and over again in your post you mention not understanding sexual attraction, but participating in sexual activity.

We can never with certainty tell someone else whether they are Gray, Demi, or asexual. It's pretty important for each person to decide for themselves (even when they ask). :)

I know that, but I also know that comparing your experiences to others can put them into perspective. It certainly did for me.

Yeah, I might be completely ace. I don't know, it just seems that a lot of people on the forum don't relate to/want sex at all, and I don't mind sex, I just don't find people sexy/understand what that even is. If that makes sense. :P Most of the time it feels like sex is more hassle than it's worth, though. That's why I'm not really interested at least until/if I end up in a relationship. I am glad I don't really mind sex, though (although I don't actively seek it out). That probably makes life easier than for the sex-averse ace folks.

Thanks for the welcome - I definietely think I'll stay. It is good to finally find a place where people don't look at you like you've got polio if you say you're not really that interested in sex/dating.

[aawhystine]

Okay, so I was going to quote, but that was getting a little ridiculous with the amount of quotes within quotes....

Yeah, there is a large spectrum on a lot of fronts. You have romantic attraction. You have asexual, gray-ace, demi-sexual, etc. Then you have levels of tolerance of touching and intimacy. Levels of interest and tolerance in the acts of sex, both with others and oneself. There are so many different facets, and it is all terribly confusing and overwhelming, I think.

Don't let it get you down. More than anything else, the important thing is that you are you. Everyone is unique, and regardless of a label you choose (or sometimes those society chooses for you), you are who you are meant to be, and that won't change. Just embrace it, rejoice, and live life to the fullest.

[deltaX]

Yeah, I might be completely ace. I don't know, it just seems that a lot of people on the forum don't relate to/want sex at all, and I don't mind sex, I just don't find people sexy/understand what that even is. If that makes sense. :P Most of the time it feels like sex is more hassle than it's worth, though. That's why I'm not really interested at least until/if I end up in a relationship. I am glad I don't really mind sex, though (although I don't actively seek it out). That probably makes life easier than for the sex-averse ace folks.

Thanks for the welcome - I definietely think I'll stay. It is good to finally find a place where people don't look at you like you've got polio if you say you're not really that interested in sex/dating.

In response to this conversation- it's possible to be completely asexual but still not mind sex. Although it may not be as common, there are plenty of aces who are okay with, or even enjoy having sex for whatever reason. Feel free to call yourself grey-ace if you want, but don't feel obligated to use that label just because you don't mind having sex.

[Lil'cake]

Welcome to AVEN!

As other's have pointed out you're the only one who can answer whether or not your sexual, gray, or asexual.

If you'd like my opinion, you asked if you were a Gray Asexual. You seem to favor sex with a committed partner who you've become emotionally attached to. Its possible you could develop sexual feelings for that partner in which case you could be Demisexual, which is a type of Gray Asexual who require those emotional connections to feel sexual attraction. Its also possible you won't develop sexual feelings even with that connection which could be Asexuality. There are plenty of Asexuals who want to be in a committed relationship and happen to enjoy the feelings that come with sex even if they're not sexually attracted to their partner.

The important thing is you know you want to be in a deeply emotional relationship where sex exists but doesn't need to be the focus. I'd highly recommend (difficult though it may be) to pursue whatever kind of relationship you feel makes you happy even if it doesn't fit with what people consider normal. You can always figure out labels as you go.

[booksoversex]

Thanks for all the cake!

In an attempt to understand more, I asked some good friends about what they meant by sexiness and sexual attraction. I got one "is this a serious question" (from the friend I live with, nonetheless) but almost everyone else answered it.

It was quite interesting. I asked if by sexual attraction/sexiness they simple meant someone who was attractive to look at, or if they pictured that person in a sexual setting or thought about having sex with them. I asked one guy and several women.

One of them (the guy) said he would "partly" picture someone in a sexual setting, and that the people he found good-looking/attractive to look at and the people he felt sexually attracted to were not necessarily the same. When it comes to the women, it seemed to be more subtle: They all said it was mostly about chemistry first (which I feel too), but that eventually as they felt chemistry with someone they began thinking "I could/wouldn't mind/would want to have sex with this person", but that they rarely imagined them in a sexual setting/imagined having sex with them (one of them did, but she is very sexual). They all said they could get curious about how someone would be in bed. They all said it was sort of a mix of finding someone attractive and thinking about them in a sexual manner. That someone was good-looking wasn't enough to qualify them as sexy/sexually attractive. One of them said sexual attraction for the most part developed as you got to know someone, others said it was instantaneous/that they knew instantly when they saw someone they liked that they would be a sexual match.

It did make things clearer, I guess. It is the last connection - going from chemistry and finding someone good-looking to thinking of them in a sexual manner - that I seem to lack. Although it does seem to be different for them too and not all of them feel sexual attraction towards strangers, they have to talk to them and feel the chemistry first. So I guess it's not exactly an on/off-switch, it varies between sexual people too.

I even told two of them the reason I asked (which they were curious about) was that I think I might be asexual. They seemed to be okay with it, although one of them said I might just be asexual now, but then find someone to want to have sex with later, or I might never find someone but that it was okay either way (the "it's probably a phase"-comment, I do realize why she would think so though, because she knows I've had sex before and enjoyed it, and I am always the one to make innuendo jokes, sometimes also the one to initiate sex talk, maybe as a way to compensate, who knows). The other one seemed mostly curious about it, but seemed not sure if I really was ace, she said it was something too big to talk about via text after drinking. She seemed to think it was just because it's so long since I had sex that I have forgotten the feelings surrounding it. They both said they didn't think it was a thing I should dwell upon and that labels were stupid/unneccessary.

[SkyWorld]

Hullo, nice to meet you and welcome to AVEN! :cake: I'm glad that you have decided to join and thank you for introducing yourself. A lot of people in the ace spectrum varies... and no two people are the same. Some aces masturbate, some don't. Some enjoy the physical aspect of sex and some don't. Some enjoy romanticism and some don't. So really... we may be able to relate to each other a lot, we're not going to relate to each other completely and that's fine. My point is, it doesn't invalidate their a/sexuality if they happen to not relate on some things (except for lack of sexual attraction).

This a great place to learn more about yourself and others. And I wish you good luck on your journey to self-discovery. Though, my friendly advice to you is to not worry too much about it. Regardless of what you identify with, you are still more than welcome here. :) I hope you enjoy it here and... more cake!

[CosineTheCat]

Hello and Welcome to AVEN!

This is a wonderful site full of amazing people and I’m glad that you’ve become a part of it, and thank you for sharing your story, I know it’s not always easy thing to do. Be sure to browse around and check out all the different areas. I’m sure you’ll find something that interests you!

Welcome Again