Am I asexual?

[HippoZippo]

Hi,

24 year old male, coming to terms with his identity.

I am a virgin, through choice and I have been with my first girlfriend for 8 months now. She's pretty, smart, kind and the most amazing person to spend time with.

I have never been interested in penetrative sex or oral sex even as a teenager. I had plenty of crushes that I wanted to kiss, and I've also got a thing for facesitting (clothed) and smothering. I really like bums and boobs on a girl, and I appreciate sexy clothes, but I find vaginas repulsive.

The furthest I've been with my girlfriend is kissing, sucking her nipples and her sitting on my face in knickers while I bite her bum. I've never seen her naked and she's never seen me naked.

She's keen to progress things and I just say I want more time. If we are kissing, it stresses me now as I know she wants more and I don't get an erection.

By contrast if she's just sitting on the bed next to me, I will get an erection. Basically when she's close enough to notice I don't have an erection and when I do have an erection she can't see it.

She told me that it stresses her and makes her feel undesired that I won't have sex with her, and this upsets me as I love her so much. I want to make her happy but don't know how to change my sex desires.

Do I sound asexual from what I have written?

And what can I do to make myself interested in sex?

Thanks

[Guest]

The decision is ultimately up to you whether or not you identify as an asexual.
If you want to learn about asexuality, I suggest checking out the AVEN wiki on asexuality here: http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Asexuality

I also suggest looking at this page as you may be "in the gray:" http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Gray-A_/_Grey-A

[andreas1033]

Only you will know yourself, and only you can be truthful to yourself.

[Lost247365]

Hi,

24 year old male, coming to terms with his identity.

I am a virgin, through choice and I have been with my first girlfriend for 8 months now. She's pretty, smart, kind and the most amazing person to spend time with.

I have never been interested in penetrative sex or oral sex even as a teenager. I had plenty of crushes that I wanted to kiss, and I've also got a thing for facesitting (clothed) and smothering. I really like bums and boobs on a girl, and I appreciate sexy clothes, but I find vaginas repulsive.

The furthest I've been with my girlfriend is kissing, sucking her nipples and her sitting on my face in knickers while I bite her bum. I've never seen her naked and she's never seen me naked.

She's keen to progress things and I just say I want more time. If we are kissing, it stresses me now as I know she wants more and I don't get an erection.

By contrast if she's just sitting on the bed next to me, I will get an erection. Basically when she's close enough to notice I don't have an erection and when I do have an erection she can't see it.

She told me that it stresses her and makes her feel undesired that I won't have sex with her, and this upsets me as I love her so much. I want to make her happy but don't know how to change my sex desires.

Do I sound asexual from what I have written?

And what can I do to make myself interested in sex?

Thanks

As the others said, it is up to you to decide if you are asexual or not. BUT, I can give my opinion and share my own experiences.

IN MY OPINION, yes you could be asexual from what you wrote.

Asexuality is the lack of either sexual attraction or sexual desire toward others. Nothing in your post shows any of that as far as I can tell.

If you are asexual there is nothing you can do to make yourself have sexual attraction or desire. HOWEVER, just because you are asexual does not mean that you don't have a libido and can not get aroused. As you, yourself, said, you do get excited when she is sitting near you. Is there anything else that gets your "attention?" A certain situation or object? If so maybe she could give you a little "prep" time to get to the point where physical touch alone can get you over the hill.

If that doesn't work, maybe you should consider seeing a physician for some medical help. Viagra won't make you suddenly have sexual desires, but it could help you keep "attention" long enough for you to move to the next stage.It is also possible that there is nothing that you can do, and you might have to explain that to her.

I wish I could think of more ways to help you out, but that is all that comes to mind.

Anyway, Welcome to Aven!

[borealmist]

Possible TMI below...

I have never been interested in penetrative sex or oral sex even as a teenager. I had plenty of crushes that I wanted to kiss, and I've also got a thing for facesitting (clothed) and smothering. I really like bums and boobs on a girl, and I appreciate sexy clothes, but I find vaginas repulsive.

Mmm, not a huge fan of human genitals in general either.

Basically when she's close enough to notice I don't have an erection and when I do have an erection she can't see it.

She told me that it stresses her and makes her feel undesired that I won't have sex with her, and this upsets me as I love her so much. I want to make her happy but don't know how to change my sex desires.

If you just lose your erection when you become stressed over performing with it, then that's probably just common stress induced erectile dysfunction which will pass if you can get comfortable enough with the situation and which is otherwise treatable with PDE5 inhibitors like viagra. If it's your aversion to female genitals, there's some fetish underwear that might help by covering it up or covering you up.

Do I sound asexual from what I have written?

Maybe? The tricky part for myself is the lack of a definition of 'sex'. But until someone comes up with a more thorough definition of that, I'll assume that 'sex' means penetrative sex maybe oral and if that's off the attraction menu, then it's at least something that will cause many of the same relationship issues that an asexual may experience.

But only you can decide what you think fits.

Anyways, welcome to AVEN, I need to figure out how to add massive cakes to posts, so here's a small one until I do :)

[Star Bit]

Genital repulsion is a thing and asexuals can have kinks and fetishes. Asexual just means you find no one sexually attractive; you have no impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with anyone in your head; to do genital involving things to their body. Sexual people tend to take it personally, even if they can understand you're point of view and see that it's not. If you don't want to or aren't capable of compromising yet, then you don't have to, but she needs to know. But considering you lose an erection the instant she gets close enough and are repulsed by female genitals, it doesn't even sound like compromise is possible. You can't change your orientation; just like any other orientation. A gay person can't make themselves desire the opposite sex. It just isn't possible-- well, healthily possible; i bet someone could fool themselves is they really wanted to, but even then the impulse would not be there. Communication is key in any relationship.

So here are your options:

1, your partner is ok/becomes ok with no sex

2, you sexually compromise in an indirect way which won't trigger your repulsion/require your arousal

(i.e. anatomical sex toys, her masturbating while you do non-genital involving sensual things to her body to arouse her/you doing something 'sexy' she can fap to, dry humping, or her thrusting on other body parts)

3, you have an open relationship

or 4, you end what is not working

(there are asexual dating sites and a meetup section on here; though kinks aren't that common, at least from what I've heard of them, so you'd have to be up front about those)

Maybe? The tricky part for myself is the lack of a definition of 'sex'. But until someone comes up with a more thorough definition of that, I'll assume that 'sex' means penetrative sex maybe oral and if that's off the attraction menu, then it's at least something that will cause many of the same relationship issues that an asexual may experience.

But only you can decide what you think fits.

Anyways, welcome to AVEN, I need to figure out how to add massive cakes to posts, so here's a small one until I do :)

All dictionaries define sex as intercourse. Intercourse is commonly misconceptualized to mean traditional heterosexual sex, but in actuality the word intercourse is not sexual but popularly became so due to people clinging to sexual meanings (the same goes for the words fetish and pervert). It just means an interaction between two people. So sexual intercourse is any sex act/direct genital interaction between two people. The misconception probably comes from people linking the inter prefix with internal, but the prefix inter actually means between/mutually/reciprocally/together.

[Lady Girl]

Hi and welcome! This is a great place to make some new friends and feel supported too. It's a good place to get relationship advice as well. As for knowing if you are asexual, only you can decide that. I'm glad you joined and hope you love being part of this awesome community.!!! :)

[HippoZippo]

Hi,

24 year old male, coming to terms with his identity.

I am a virgin, through choice and I have been with my first girlfriend for 8 months now. She's pretty, smart, kind and the most amazing person to spend time with.

I have never been interested in penetrative sex or oral sex even as a teenager. I had plenty of crushes that I wanted to kiss, and I've also got a thing for facesitting (clothed) and smothering. I really like bums and boobs on a girl, and I appreciate sexy clothes, but I find vaginas repulsive.

The furthest I've been with my girlfriend is kissing, sucking her nipples and her sitting on my face in knickers while I bite her bum. I've never seen her naked and she's never seen me naked.

She's keen to progress things and I just say I want more time. If we are kissing, it stresses me now as I know she wants more and I don't get an erection.

By contrast if she's just sitting on the bed next to me, I will get an erection. Basically when she's close enough to notice I don't have an erection and when I do have an erection she can't see it.

She told me that it stresses her and makes her feel undesired that I won't have sex with her, and this upsets me as I love her so much. I want to make her happy but don't know how to change my sex desires.

Do I sound asexual from what I have written?

And what can I do to make myself interested in sex?

Thanks

As the others said, it is up to you to decide if you are asexual or not. BUT, I can give my opinion and share my own experiences.

IN MY OPINION, yes you could be asexual from what you wrote.

Asexuality is the lack of either sexual attraction or sexual desire toward others. Nothing in your post shows any of that as far as I can tell.

If you are asexual there is nothing you can do to make yourself have sexual attraction or desire. HOWEVER, just because you are asexual does not mean that you don't have a libido and can not get aroused. As you, yourself, said, you do get excited when she is sitting near you. Is there anything else that gets your "attention?" A certain situation or object? If so maybe she could give you a little "prep" time to get to the point where physical touch alone can get you over the hill.

If that doesn't work, maybe you should consider seeing a physician for some medical help. Viagra won't make you suddenly have sexual desires, but it could help you keep "attention" long enough for you to move to the next stage.It is also possible that there is nothing that you can do, and you might have to explain that to her.

I wish I could think of more ways to help you out, but that is all that comes to mind.

Anyway, Welcome to Aven!

I have used viagra in the past. On my own it gave me a powerful erection for mastubation. Getting hard for masturbation is never a problem for me.

It also gave me a strong erection when sitting in bed with my girlfriend. However I was still soft when the kissing etc became intense

I would like to see if increasing the dosage, and having her "get my attention" would leave me hard enough to perform an act on her

[HippoZippo]

Genital repulsion is a thing and asexuals can have kinks and fetishes. Asexual just means you find no one sexually attractive; you have no impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with anyone in your head; to do genital involving things to their body. Sexual people tend to take it personally, even if they can understand you're point of view and see that it's not. If you don't want to or aren't capable of compromising yet, then you don't have to, but she needs to know. But considering you lose an erection the instant she gets close enough and are repulsed by female genitals, it doesn't even sound like compromise is possible. You can't change your orientation; just like any other orientation. A gay person can't make themselves desire the opposite sex. It just isn't possible-- well, healthily possible; i bet someone could fool themselves is they really wanted to, but even then the impulse would not be there. Communication is key in any relationship.

So here are your options:

1, your partner is ok/becomes ok with no sex

2, you sexually compromise in an indirect way which won't trigger your repulsion/require your arousal

(i.e. anatomical sex toys, her masturbating while you do non-genital involving sensual things to her body to arouse her/you doing something 'sexy' she can fap to, dry humping, or her thrusting on other body parts)

3, you have an open relationship

or 4, you end what is not working

(there are asexual dating sites and a meetup section on here; though kinks aren't that common, at least from what I've heard of them, so you'd have to be up front about those)

Maybe? The tricky part for myself is the lack of a definition of 'sex'. But until someone comes up with a more thorough definition of that, I'll assume that 'sex' means penetrative sex maybe oral and if that's off the attraction menu, then it's at least something that will cause many of the same relationship issues that an asexual may experience.

But only you can decide what you think fits.

Anyways, welcome to AVEN, I need to figure out how to add massive cakes to posts, so here's a small one until I do :)

All dictionaries define sex as intercourse. Intercourse is commonly misconceptualized to mean traditional heterosexual sex, but in actuality the word intercourse is not sexual but popularly became so due to people clinging to sexual meanings (the same goes for the words fetish and pervert). It just means an interaction between two people. So sexual intercourse is any sex act/direct genital interaction between two people. The misconception probably comes from people linking the inter prefix with internal, but the prefix inter actually means between/mutually/reciprocally/together.

Brutal options but neatly summarised.

Next steps for me are seeing a doc to get my blood work checked

Then see if upping the viagra dose will help

[Star Bit]

Please do look up what dosage is safe to increase it to. But your loss of erection is obviously mental and not physical so increasing it will most likely do nothing. All viagra does is increase blood circulation and the body has a limit to that. It's a thing among aces to have sex problems; acting sexually/sexually suggestive with someone you're not sexually attracted to can be an arousal deturant. For other male aces with this problem (viagra also not working, and excuse vulgarity), a cock ring seems to be the only option. Or, as i said, use a fake one on her. Both of which would require an explanation so just come out to her.

[SkyWorld]

Hullo, nice to meet you and welcome to AVEN! :cake: I'm glad that you have decided to join and thank you for introducing yourself. Really only you can decided whether you are asexual or not, nobody knows you better than you know yourself. Though, it seems like you got plenty of help, so I'm afraid I have nothing much else to add other than I hope you enjoy it here and more cake!

Btw... if you happen to have any further questions, please feel free to ask. :)

[CosineTheCat]

Hello and Welcome to AVEN!

This is a wonderful site full of amazing people and I’m glad that you’ve become a part of it, and thank you for sharing your story, I know it’s not always easy thing to do. Be sure to browse around and check out all the different areas. I’m sure you’ll find something that interests you!

Welcome Again

[HippoZippo]

Please do look up what dosage is safe to increase it to. But your loss of erection is obviously mental and not physical so increasing it will most likely do nothing. All viagra does is increase blood circulation and the body has a limit to that. It's a thing among aces to have sex problems; acting sexually/sexually suggestive with someone you're not sexually attracted to can be an arousal deturant. For other male aces with this problem (viagra also not working, and excuse vulgarity), a cock ring seems to be the only option. Or, as i said, use a fake one on her. Both of which would require an explanation so just come out to her.

I had not thought of a cock ring

I also have no interest in watching porn (apart from facesitting). That's an asexual sign right?

[Lady Girl]

I also have no interest in watching porn (apart from facesitting). That's an asexual sign right?

Some asexuals are interested in watching porn for various reasons. The main sign of asexuality is not experiencing sexual attraction. Many people define sexual attraction as a desire to interact sexually with the person you find yourself attracted to.

[Del100]

Hi,

24 year old male, coming to terms with his identity.

I am a virgin, through choice and I have been with my first girlfriend for 8 months now. She's pretty, smart, kind and the most amazing person to spend time with.

I have never been interested in penetrative sex or oral sex even as a teenager. I had plenty of crushes that I wanted to kiss, and I've also got a thing for facesitting (clothed) and smothering. I really like bums and boobs on a girl, and I appreciate sexy clothes, but I find vaginas repulsive.

The furthest I've been with my girlfriend is kissing, sucking her nipples and her sitting on my face in knickers while I bite her bum. I've never seen her naked and she's never seen me naked.

She's keen to progress things and I just say I want more time. If we are kissing, it stresses me now as I know she wants more and I don't get an erection.

By contrast if she's just sitting on the bed next to me, I will get an erection. Basically when she's close enough to notice I don't have an erection and when I do have an erection she can't see it.

She told me that it stresses her and makes her feel undesired that I won't have sex with her, and this upsets me as I love her so much. I want to make her happy but don't know how to change my sex desires.

Do I sound asexual from what I have written?

And what can I do to make myself interested in sex?

Thanks

Seems I am similar to you, get errect around women (small percentage for me) when in the bedroom /fearful of the next stage/dislike porn/find vaginas repulsive.

The fears that go through my mind would be the following: ''will she enjoy the experience'' ''what about my lack of experience'' ''will i know how to it properly'' ''what if i make a fool of myself'' ''what about the possibility for disease'' ''is it safe'' ''i dont like the idea of mixing body fluids, is that safe'' 'will i enjoy it'' ''i hope i won't get any pain''

I enjoy the girl playing with my errection and masturbating me but I realise that's incredibly selfish and no basis for a long-term relationship. This is about as far as my sexual desire goes.

I don't think ýou finding vaginas rupulsive is such a big problem, many guys that throughly enjoy sex have told me the same (although most love it). The biggest problem is actually being able to perform with the girl you love so much. I think we have anxiety problems and the best thing is to see a therapist or doctor to try and feel more relaxed in that situation.

[Xavy]

Welcome to AVEN, we can't tell you if you are asexual or not, but I am sure you will figure out the right answer on your own. :)

[HippoZippo]

Hi,

24 year old male, coming to terms with his identity.

I am a virgin, through choice and I have been with my first girlfriend for 8 months now. She's pretty, smart, kind and the most amazing person to spend time with.

I have never been interested in penetrative sex or oral sex even as a teenager. I had plenty of crushes that I wanted to kiss, and I've also got a thing for facesitting (clothed) and smothering. I really like bums and boobs on a girl, and I appreciate sexy clothes, but I find vaginas repulsive.

The furthest I've been with my girlfriend is kissing, sucking her nipples and her sitting on my face in knickers while I bite her bum. I've never seen her naked and she's never seen me naked.

She's keen to progress things and I just say I want more time. If we are kissing, it stresses me now as I know she wants more and I don't get an erection.

By contrast if she's just sitting on the bed next to me, I will get an erection. Basically when she's close enough to notice I don't have an erection and when I do have an erection she can't see it.

She told me that it stresses her and makes her feel undesired that I won't have sex with her, and this upsets me as I love her so much. I want to make her happy but don't know how to change my sex desires.

Do I sound asexual from what I have written?

And what can I do to make myself interested in sex?

Thanks

Seems I am similar to you, get errect around women (small percentage for me) when in the bedroom /fearful of the next stage/dislike porn/find vaginas repulsive.

The fears that go through my mind would be the following: ''will she enjoy the experience'' ''what about my lack of experience'' ''will i know how to it properly'' ''what if i make a fool of myself'' ''what about the possibility for disease'' ''is it safe'' ''i dont like the idea of mixing body fluids, is that safe'' 'will i enjoy it'' ''i hope i won't get any pain''

I enjoy the girl playing with my errection and masturbating me but I realise that's incredibly selfish and no basis for a long-term relationship. This is about as far as my sexual desire goes.

I don't think ýou finding vaginas rupulsive is such a big problem, many guys that throughly enjoy sex have told me the same (although most love it). The biggest problem is actually being able to perform with the girl you love so much. I think we have anxiety problems and the best thing is to see a therapist or doctor to try and feel more relaxed in that situation.

Hi

I also have the same uncomfortable feelings of embarrasement if I perform badly etc.

I want to get over my fear of vaginas so that I can go down on her. But longer term I really don't know how I can penetrate her with a floppy penis.

I would go to my doctor, but I don't know what they could possibly say that would give me a reliable erection :(

[Del100]

Hi Hippo,

You have an erection, just you're anxious when you feel she wants to move in for actual sex. Got to get to the bottom of that fear. Of course, with fear, it's difficult to maintain an erection but if you overcome the fear, then it should be fine. The doc is the most qualified to aid you with that.

As for your dislike for vaginas, if you don't like them you don't like them. Many girls don't like giving oral sex to men, it's not uncommon. Many men don't like vaginas, they happiness to go down on the girl comes from seeing the pleasure their girls is getting. Once you've overcome your anxiety and you're giving her sex, who knows what will happen after that? Step by step.

[HippoZippo]

Hi Hippo,

You have an erection, just you're anxious when you feel she wants to move in for actual sex. Got to get to the bottom of that fear. Of course, with fear, it's difficult to maintain an erection but if you overcome the fear, then it should be fine. The doc is the most qualified to aid you with that.

As for your dislike for vaginas, if you don't like them you don't like them. Many girls don't like giving oral sex to men, it's not uncommon. Many men don't like vaginas, they happiness to go down on the girl comes from seeing the pleasure their girls is getting. Once you've overcome your anxiety and you're giving her sex, who knows what will happen after that? Step by step.

Thanks for those supportive words

[Star Bit]

Even if you become able to sexually compromise you may not be able to reciprocate or only act when she wants it; both being problems for some allosexual people. Some people also want a versatile sex life and aren't satisfied with traditional. I've heard of someone getting dumped because he never did anything else yet the partner never requested it before the break up. Though that could be because she didn't want to force him to do things he didn't want to do.

I enjoy the girl playing with my errection and masturbating me but I realise that's incredibly selfish and no basis for a long-term relationship. This is about as far as my sexual desire goes.

Masturbating is defined as self stimulation. Hand jobs are sex. And preferring that type of sex is fine. There are people who don't like penetrative sex. Maybe you could find a partner like that.

[HippoZippo]

So after (foolishly) sticking my head in the sand for 2.5 months, today my gf said this was become too big an issue to ignore any longer :(

Is it true that assexuals can't change their sexuality any more than a homosexual can become heterosexual?

I am preparing myself to move towards oral sex on her. I think I can tolerate that

[Lady Girl]

So after (foolishly) sticking my head in the sand for 2.5 months, today my gf said this was become too big an issue to ignore any longer :(

Is it true that assexuals can't change their sexuality any more than a homosexual can become heterosexual?

I am preparing myself to move towards oral sex on her. I think I can tolerate that

You can't usually change your general feelings, but you do have a major say in your actions and how you think about those actions. Everybody gets to decide how much or how little they can give to another person sexually. Compromise in a mixed relationship usually means the asexual partner does more than they would prefer and the sexual partner gets less than they would prefer (in a lot of cases anyway).

[Star Bit]

Is it true that assexuals can't change their sexuality any more than a homosexual can become heterosexual?

Correct.

[lina-gray]

hi and welcome!

only you can discover ifyou are asexual or not, but in this community you will find answers and you will learn more about asexuality so your self-discovering will be easier. i wish you the best with your girlfriend!!