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I was bullied on OK Cupid for being ace


TheAngryLioness

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TheAngryLioness

Hi. So earlier this year, I joined OK Cupid because I've been single for too long and am tired of being alone. I made it clear to guys viewing my profile that I didn't want sex, because a lot of guys think they can message the women asking for sex. If people can have sex without romance, why does romance without sex sound so stupid? I don't think two people need to sleep together to know if they like each other or want to marry.

I didn't know I was ace. I never thought there was a name for people who don't want sex.

Then this guy comes along. Note that the avatar is blank because I print-screened it yesterday. It was sent around January. The guy since then deleted his account. I wanted to share this for a long time so I finally decided to. I feel like people have to see this.

tumblr_ntp9oz5IdB1uavd9go1_1280.pngHe had me thinking that something was wrong with me, that I was broken. I haven't shown this to friends or family but it's here and on my Tumblr as well. To me, this is bullying. If he's as smart as he sounds, he should know I didn't choose to be ace.

And therein lies the whole reason to my message.

Has anyone here been bullied or harassed online for being ace? Not just on dating websites but social media in general?

Sorry if the image is too big.

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DannyFenton123

You are not broken. That guy is a jerk to make you think that; don't ever listen to jerks.

That definitely looks like a bulling message to me whether or not he apologises in advance for offence. He was belittling you for your feelings, going to far as to insinuate that you were mentally unstable and that is not okay. No. Never.

I'm sorry that you had to encounter a nasty piece of work like him, and I hope you're feeling better now.

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AgentSkyHawk

That's so awful. I'm so sorry that that was sent to you :( :cake::cake::cake:

I've not really 'outed' myself online (apart from on here, obviously), and so I've not been directly bullied, but there is a lot of acephobia around, especially on Tumblr, and that's always horrible to see. The worst thing is that a lot of people say that asexuals don't need 'protecting' as such, like the rest of the LGBTQ+ community, when there's an awful lot of hate for asexuality - often said by people who have no idea what they're talking about, like this person who messaged you.

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Sorry you had to recieve that. I haven't really spoken about my ace-ness much online outside of ace communities so I can't say I've had this online, but I've had similar experiences in real life. It sucks to recieve such comments... :(

I've had so-called friends tell me I'm broken or inhuman and all the rest. Thankfully I've also had some truly supportive friends and others who were pretty much indifferent, which I liked too - their lack of reaction helped make me feel normal.

What was sent was definitely a form of bullying though. I hope other interactions on the site were on the positive side? Or at least some interactions.

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Pen Given Ink

That guy wasn't just a jerk, but a creep too. Apparently "immature" too. He obviously thinks he knows everything.

I'm on okcupid myself. I have yet to be insulted. I'm not sure how long I've been on there, and people have been nothing but nice and inquisitive. I think I've even made a couple of friends too. ( At least on my end. )

I'm incredibly sorry that you had such a rough go of it with that uninformed creeper.

Now as for things like Meet Me and Plenty of Fish, I have had creepers, but I clearly state in my profile that I am asexual. Since they don't have the asexual option, I understand getting the creepy PM's there. :/

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People can be so disgusting, sadly this guy is not the only one.. There so many acephobes both IRL and online. Especially online where they can harass you hiding behind the computer screen, I haven't gotten any ace-hate myself but I would probably get denial / reject irl if i told I wasn't into sex due to being ace. Nobody knows what it is, so more likely not to understand or dislike.

But don't let that bully get you down, this person is trying to be an asshole, I can see how he's so much trying to harass you,

Hate is everywhere :( same goes with acephobia, especially when 90% are sexual. There will be so many haters & assholes. But they are just immature & complete assholes.

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CaptainYesterday

There is a pair of threads on Reddit (AskMen and AskWomen) about asexuality and I've seen some of this rhetoric there as well. Most were completely fine and accepting, but there were a few essentially saying "anyone who doesn't want sex has something wrong with them."

Some people really can't think ahead. If you look back at the past hundred or so years, can you name one instance of discrimination aging well? It seems to me like there's a pretty clear trend towards acceptance. Even if you can't be accepting for the sake of being accepting, at least fake it so that you don't look like a huge bigot in the future.

Whenever I see a documentary or anything that discusses recent historical bigotry, they always have these now-anachronistic advertisements and photos on display. An ad for a washing machine that's really sexist, pretty much any picture from the Civil Rights movement involving the police...don't even read up on the way we used to treat the mentally ill (and none of these are even fully fixed yet).

That's you in the year 2025 when you try to malign a group of people in 2015! You are the cop holding the fire hose in a picture that they show during a documentary about racism. Why would you want to be that person? Don't be that person!

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Anime Pancake

Hi there.

Wow, I'm really sorry that happened. That was really rude of him.

I don't think he was bullying you. Some people just can't seem to comprehend that not everyone is interested in sex.

If that is his personal opinion and how he feels about it, that's fine, but there was really no need for him to go out of his way and insult you. There's nothing wrong with someone not wanting to have sex.

He speaks in a way that seems to put down people that aren't interested in sex, saying that it is "healthy and sane" but it's actually kind of sad that he can't even comprehend that some people, healthy, normal adults, simply aren't interested in sex.

He was speaking in a way that was superior because of his "intellect" and "natural desire for sex" however he just comes across as really ignorant and kind of dumb, to the hundreds or thousands of people that are genuinely not interested in sex.

I'm sorry that you had to receive a message like that from someone. It's kind of a basic concept that everyone is different, and even if he isn't able to comprehend that, there is no reason or excuse for sending an unnecessary, rude and insulting message to someone.

No one asked for his advice, people like that should keep their unwanted opinions to themselves lol

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Thankfully, I never was bullied on Internet. When I was a schoolkid, I was bullied though :( But that was about 20 years ago, fortunately things are changing.

Just one of those arrogant guys who think that they're much smarter and much more educated than they are. They don't deserve attention, but you ridiculed him well by publishing his message on a forum everyone can see, and if ever he sees this, hopefully it will teach him a lesson.

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Yea, I get this kind of shit all the time from OK. It's always "there's something wrong with you" or "something happened to make you this way" or "the only reason we exist is to fuck and have kids" and, of course, the narcissistic bastard that thinks somehow their body is a magic fucking wand that can make you experience sexual attraction. I just don't deal with it anymore. I'm either a complete snob back to them or I just don't waste my time. There's always going to be people like that and I just don't have the time.

So I come here. The outside world is ridiculous.

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Try not to sweat it too much. Dude's just a straight-up asshole. Unfortunately, there's plenty of those kind of people around. Of both genders. This kind of person will latch onto whatever difference they can see in someone - be it sexual orientation, skin color, academic success, looks, you name it - and they'll use that to abuse someone else. Needless to say that this need to put others down stems from something being seriously wrong with them on the inside. It's unfortunate all around, but that's life.

This dude in particular is not just an ass, but he's also a coward. He tries to pass off his comments as if he doesn't intend to cause offence, but the overall tone (and the fact that he's sending this unwarranted message in the first place) tells a very different story. My impression is that the only reason he pretends that he's not trying to offend you is because otherwise it would be impossible for him to deny that he's a bully. And like I said, he's a coward, so he's presumably nowhere near brave enough to take a good look in the mirror and see himself for the kind of person he's allowed himself to become.

One final point. You know the people I most admire? Those who constantly push themselves in two directions: they work on themselves and try to be the best person they can be, and at the same time they take actions to make the world a better place - recognising that ultimately all human beings are a part of a whole and that it is simply not possible to develop oneself in the right direction if one chooses to ignore the rest of the world. Sadly, this dude is failing big time on both counts. His need to bully a stranger shows not only a tremendous insecurity and bitterness, but also a lack of appreciation for the fact that what the world needs are people who spread good vibes, love, acceptance...not another person ignorantly trying to bring others down in a desperate attempt to make themselves feel better that is destined to fail.

Hope all the comments in this thread have made you feel more at ease, if you weren't already.

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It's always (...) "the only reason we exist is to fuck and have kids"

Pre-made answer : "One day, we'll all be dead, the Earth will be swallowed by the Sun, and matter will eventually be swallowed by supermassive black holes, so you still see a reason to your existence after that ? We come from dust and whatever we're doing, we'll all return to dust and leave nothing behind us, so let me tell you, I'm not going to ruin my life by following some sort of "reason to live" made to be a compensatory strategy against neurosis about the absurdity of life ; I just intend to enjoy life the way I want, as long or short as it might be, so don't bother me with your "you should do this or that". Did I do the same to you ? No, so think about it twice before you speak. Bye bye !"

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soMeRandoM670

I been on okcupid for while now, Not that I like it that much. I changed my searching tactics strictly say just interested in friendship.

As male it hasn't been much of issue, I hear men on okcupid are pretty bad.

Given, what he has said. Issue here is, he assuming we have singularly purpose in life. And also assumption that everyone who isn't interested in sex has some underlying illness or problems.

I was bullied in high school and well recently xD woman came up asking for sexual relationship randomly from campus I was studying.
And when I declined asked if I was homosexual. Because I declined sex w/ a woman.

Firstly lack attraction to singular person wouldn't warrant compete picture of someone sexuality. If I was gay, I would said I was attracted to men. Not that I wasn't attracted to her.

We haven't talked since. We did have brief talk before she asked me but that was it.

Now, in high school it was pretty bad, since I was hanging with heterosexual women. In larger group women it's much safer. also was fun, usually they just complained about I guess a lot stuffed and I just listened.

But, usually they gave me positive feedback regarding my lack Treating women how other men did w/ sex.
Since I was able tell them when they talk about not being interested in sex that it wasn't weird for me say that around them.

Men it was different story. Often just make remark, that I was gay.

But, you need look in towards yourself and think about it.

Introspection and observe your self and see you true to yourself.

There was not many women who bully men for not wanting sex it isn't common. usually other response is it's amazing that they even able have conversation with male without it being diverted to boring topics that every other guy asks them.

Just, when see yourself within mirror in your mind that is who you are truly. and accept who you are.

I guess what he trying get at, that in past. See issue here is he assuming that everyone at one point would been sexual. And given this situation if someone was sexual and became not interested in sex, then usually that would be valid reasoning for his argument. Now I am not saying I agree with him I am just stating possible explanation for his behaviour.

He might be think of medical situation where someone had been sexual let say in marriage for quite number years then all sudden not interested.

Now that is different issue and really it's up to couple or person to, accept how it is or seek chemical balancing medicine.

But in our case, it simply never changed we grew up and never developed sexual attraction.

So his case that, something wrong with is. really, we never deviated from when we where born.

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As male it hasn't been much of issue, I hear men on okcupid are pretty bad.

As a male on the site, I hope they're not all that bad :P

Lioness, I haven't personally experienced anything like this, though did go on a rant the other night regarding reactions to my answer about being fine without sex (see overlong rant in Musi for more details). It sucks that other people can't be accepting of others properly, sorry you've had to put up with people like that. :(

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TheAngryLioness

Thank you for your support (and the cake). I don't regret being who I am nor do I regret exposing this. The only thing I regret was not standing up for myself when I had the chance.

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I've gotten all kinds of comments from these sites, from the statement that I'm too pretty/sexy to be ace, to the fact that I must be leading all them boys on. I've also been accused of being a closet lesbian, or just being celibate, or that I suffer from some sort of mental illness that prevents me from being sexually interested in others.

I used to get really, really angry, and swear never to date again. I used to rant and rage, but now I just take it as a sign of their ignorance. If they aren't even willing to learn about my asexuality, then they just aren't worth my time, period. Not even my time to be angry or annoyed.

It's just a shame how close-minded some people are, honestly.

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I'm sorry you had to deal with this :cake::cake::cake::cake: ! I don't think this person has a great understanding of what asexuality is and I feel like if you're gonna pull this stuff (*not* that you should) you should probably know what you're talking about. I also don't understand if their not interested in you at all, why message you in the first place. Why are they on OK cupid then to message people you're not interested in? Like you can't make someone not asexual or suddenly want sex. So his entire rant is completely ridiculous/useless because you're still going to be who you are and he could have taken that time and energy into finding someone he is interested in. Plus it seems like taking sex seriously to this guy translates into I engage in sex and literally nothing else. Wtf :wacko::wacko::blink::blink:

*hugs* and more pie! :cake::cake::cake:. Hope you have better luck with dating sites, if thats what your looking for!

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TheAngryLioness

That asshole thought he could "help" me I guess. Can't fix what isn't broken.

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SorryNotSorry

I agree that what happened to you online was really rude and that guy is an example of what happens when intelligence is invested into ignorance... but to me it reinforces my argument why decent singles (especially decent asexual singles) who are serious about finding a romantic partner should avoid OLD and instead try to find or start meetup groups for the purpose. Consider it a lesson learned, a mistake you won't make twice.

The OLDSs have pretty much become not just a few bad apples... nowadays they're pretty much nothing but bad apples. If you think I'm full of crap, lurk on any singles & dating boards like PoF forums, loveshack dot org, connectingsingles dot com, etc etc, and the intolerant caveman mentality of the majority of members will become pretty obvious to you from the tone of their posts. They're trolls trolling trolls, and if they know you're trying to be honest and not as mean-spirited as they are, they'll do their best to insult you so severely that you'll want to give up on love for the rest of your life. These are the kinds of people you'll be dealing with if you get involved with OLD.

That age-old hetero female strategy of sitting around, waiting to get picked (or waiting for your profile to get viewed) has pretty much gone by the boards. A woman who does that shouldn't be surprised if she becomes a magnet for jerks. I've been saying for a couple of years that if women want to meet good men (whatever that means), then women need to start breaking the rules and initiating with/pursuing those good men, and tell the pick-up artists to take their "hey baaaby" stuff and take a hike.

TBH I think once enough lonely asexuals decide they've put up with enough abuse from the mainstream dating community that they show some unity and intolerance for any rudeness, we'll start seeing less bitterness, less disillusionment, and more success stories. What we don't want to do is lower ourselves to the level of those who give us such a hard time in the dating world by bullying them back, because that's nothing more than trolling the trolls.

Remember what I said in previous posts about bullies... a bully without access to a victim isn't much of a bully. If you don't want to get bullied on OLD, don't have anything to do with OLD. Find or create a community where asexuals can look for and find love, a community where intolerant bullies are not welcome.

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Yah, you'll unfortunately get such people on non-ace exclusive websites. I've heard other aces get such hate from strangers on okcupid. Just gotta ignore their BS.

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TheAngryLioness

I deleted my OK Cupid account. I tried to sign up for an asexual dating site but it costed fifteen dollars a month.

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Wow, that is absolutely awful. And a little scary to me, tbh. I haven't had any experiences like that, online or irl. I've actually never been bullied before (which I am extremely grateful for, though, I guess, I'm only 25, there is still time haha :P ) I just cannot understand how prominent acephobia seems to be! I never thought that something like asexuality could cause so much hate? Why are sexuals so against/angry/afraid/etc of asexuals? I'm sure this is extremely wrong of me, but I figured that a lot of the people spreading hate like that are sexuals who have had issues with rejection or something similar, which would make sense, but that can't be true of everybody? I just would genuinely like to know how a group of people who DON'T do/feel something can receive so much negativity? If anyone knows, please, feel free to share. I guess it probably also has something with people being afraid of that which they don't understand. But still. I am so sorry you had to deal with that, from what I've seen, you've dealt with it much better than I, and probably a lot of us, would have. But I hope it doesn't get you down <3 Not everyone is like that. And I hope that if you do decide to sign up for this asexual dating site, that it works out for you, if even just a little better than OK. Good luck and keep hanging around AVEN because we're all here for you! And let us know how the other site works out, if you do decide to try it! ^_^ :cake::cake::cake:

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Blue Phoenix Ace

Let's just pick the post apart as an exercise. ;) I'll skip the more boring bits.

"First of all, sex plays a huge part in any healthy romantic relationship..."

Oh really? Have you known 100% of all participants in romantic relationships and asked them all if sex is a huge part? I think not!

"Human beings ... have a single, solitary purpose in this life, procreation."

I beg to differ! So all you need to do is pop out some kids and you're done? Might as well jump off a cliff once you're done raising them then. I place "creation" among the highest purposes of life. We're also here to create new things and ideas. Whether this is art, scientific theories, poetry, or building a car, it's all good and useful. Also high on the list is "interaction". We have the ability to positively influence the people and the world around us. We should take every opportunity to do so, whether we are childless or not...

"I do know that as a healthy, sane human, I am given the urge to ... reproduce"

That works for you and there's nothing wrong with that. But you can't project that feeling onto every "healthy, sane human".

"Any adult human being that does not take sex seriously is obviously either far too immature to be considered an adult or is not mentally stable"

Sorry, I fail to see the proof in your words thus far. I could make a similar blanket statement replacing the word "sex" with "cake", and it would be no more or less true.

"Anyway, going to leave you with those facts."

Nothing of what you said was in fact, a fact. :)

"I apologize if you found them offensive"

FUCK YOU ASSHAT

"but don't bother telling me if they were, because I don't really care"

So on the one hand you want me to take no offense, but on the other, you aren't open to a discussion about the topic either. If you want really respected me, you would allow me to respond and turn this into a two-way discussion. YOU'RE A DICK.

"Peace"

Well at least he got one thing right.

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an indignant hedgepig

Hahaha what an immature boob. Seriously. I like that he said "PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE SEX ARE IMMATURE" while he simultaneously boils down all of human existence to a bodily function. It's kinda like waving your arms around and shouting "PEOPLE EXIST TO EAT BLAHELHGHALH". Sure, you can formulate an argument for why that's valid, but most people are going to think you're kind of stupid.

Kinda reminds me of this tumblr post from way back: http://mumblytron.tumblr.com/post/111248375052/youre-asexual-but

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Autumn Season

That guy wasn't just a jerk, but a creep too. Apparently "immature" too. He obviously thinks he knows everything.

I'm on okcupid myself. I have yet to be insulted. I'm not sure how long I've been on there, and people have been nothing but nice and inquisitive. I think I've even made a couple of friends too. ( At least on my end. )

I'm incredibly sorry that you had such a rough go of it with that uninformed creeper.

Now as for things like Meet Me and Plenty of Fish, I have had creepers, but I clearly state in my profile that I am asexual. Since they don't have the asexual option, I understand getting the creepy PM's there. :/

^This.

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Clearly a sex maniac person.

Just glad i do not have to bother what other crave in others, ie being with others. If you want interaction with others you have to accept that alot of them will be sex mad, and everyone is an expert on everything, even though they know virtually nothing about anything.

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butterscotchwm

OH MY GOD I would have done a number on this guy!!! >:C

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I'm on OkCupid too; I've had three, about four people bring up my asexuality who have messaged me. Two, who I've talked to for a while as friends now, who were pretty accepting. One who was confused about my being asexual, because, apparently, I don't need to be because I'm sexy. But because he phrased that as a question, I answered it as such and everything was fine. One person stop messaging me a few messages into my making clear I'm asexual, although they seemed fine with it and already knew what it was. Probably just a convo that didn't work.

That said, I'm sorry that this happened to you, and if it ever happened to me, I'd see if the ToS allows reporting of such comments. (I'd have to report them, because if I replied and they continued being that way, I'd probably be the one getting banned.)

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pantless_ninja

I pretty much use OK Cupid as entertainment at this point since most of the people contacting me are idiots on there. I have identified as lesbian on there, since asexuality didn't even occur to me, and yet men constantly would message me about hooking up, how I just hadn't found the "right man". Because it's free, there are a ridiculous amount of chances to get bullied on the site, unfortunately. Did that make sense? I'm so sorry you had to go through that, that the asshole put you through that.

Also, he obviously doesn't understand what the definition of sociopath really is. idiot.

When it comes to outing myself after figuring out my correct status, I decided to go with this: there is no need to announce anything that personal online unless someone specifically asks. At least that way I know that they will possibly listen to a full answer, and not walk away without a mistaken preconception of what asexuality is. The only person -- and most important person -- I really had to tell about it was myself.

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