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No sex, no children


TheArronaut

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My family's advice is that I should just never get married then, to not even attempt to start a relationship. Apparently my vagina is the only thing I have to offer. I would just shake it off, but how many people out there feel the exact same way? Just because something shouldn't be a certain way doesn't mean it isn't. How likely is it that I will find a partner who won't mind no sex and no possibility of children, by any means?

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As long as you're honest about it, you should of course try for a relationship if you want one. Yes, a lot of people will need sex and so find that a deal breaker. But, not everyone.

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I stopped listening to my family's advice many years ago. They're not qualified to give advice on situations that are outside their experience.

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Anthracite_Impreza

Don't listen to anyone else's advice about such a personal issue; it's your life, not theirs. I can't help you with a partner since I've no interest in them, but have you looked into queerplatonic relationships?

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TooOldForThis

A few people out there feel that way, but in my experience the majority (including sexuals) do not. Even those who are unable or unwilling to stay in a sexless relationship usually would feel equally unsatisfied in a relationship including sex but nothing else.

And there are at least a lot of asexuals who would love such a relationship. I for one can't stand children, and I know a number of other people (ace and otherwise) who feel the same way. There are also sexuals who can be happy in a sexless relationship, as evidenced by some of those in the 'For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies' forum on this very site :)

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Just because it's harder to find someone doesn't mean that you shouldn't look. Hell, if we get technical, heterosexuals out number homosexuals and bisexuals combined, so finding a same sex partner is harder and yet would you feel comfortable telling a gay/bi/pan person that they shouldn't date? I certainly wouldn't. There are people who are just fine with a sexless relationship, and those who are more than happy to not have kids (although, if you do want kids, you don't have to have sex to get them. Sex is the easiest way to get a child, but it is certianly not the only way, but again, kids are not a must.) Don't let anyone tell you you can't date just because you're asexual.

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I have no interest in sex or having children. Not that I hate children, because I am a scout leader in my spare time and hope to become a teacher one day. Anyway, my point is I used to think I was the only person around who didn't want to marry/have a relationship or have kids, even after I found out I was asexual. I reckon finding somebody who feels the same way as me could well be difficult and take quite a long time, but it is not impossible. So, ignore what your family says and start doing what you want to do; seeking a partner or staying single, it's up to you.

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I've found that when people say things like that, it's almost as a ploy to dissuade you from being asexual in the first place. Which is pretty hard, seeing as sexuality doesn't work like that. Your family is not an authority on the feelings of every person you will ever meet. The purpose behind telling you it's hopeless/will never work/etc. is not so much to tell you what your actual prospects are but to try to manipulate you into changing your attitudes toward sex and/or children via logical fallacy. My parents have done similar stuff, and I know it comes from a place of concern, but that doesn't make it true.

You are the only authority on what you want. Don't want sex? Great. Don't want kids? Great. Want a relationship? (I am just assuming this based on your post but correct me if I'm wrong). Great. None of these things cancels out any of the others, and anyone telling you otherwise is just projecting their own feelings onto 7 billion other people. When people who aren't educated about asexuality try to talk about it, suddenly sex becomes the Most Important Thing Ever, but it really, really isn't. Relationships can lack sex for lots of reasons, and plenty of people don't want kids, because relationships aren't run by a hivemind, sexual or not.

Basically, there is always hope, no matter what people (even those who want the best for you) say :)

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Irezumi Hikari

You would be surprised at how many people could potentially fit into what you want. I have a really close friend that has said many times that he could go without sex his whole life and he's about as straight as can be. He's even said before that he wouldn't force children on his significant other. My husband is the same way.

I think it may be hard to find people like that, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. Don't let others affect your decisions. I did that for so long and it ended up in a huge conflict in my family and them kind of pushing me away. Just do what comes naturally for you. :)

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I like kids a lot and work with them. I do not understand why this would mean I want several of my own. And I agree that no one's advice is needed. People can live happily together without sex. Years ago, it was being sexual that you hid. That was the thing to be embarassed about. Prior to birth control married couples only slept together if they were preparing to have children. You see all those old movies and the married couples sleep in single beds. I mean that was a real thing! It is only since birth control was readily available that Sex seems to be the next step on a date. How much we have changed!

People used to date without sex. Sex was something that you did to have children, plain and simple.

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My family's advice is that I should just never get married then, to not even attempt to start a relationship. Apparently my vagina is the only thing I have to offer. I would just shake it off, but how many people out there feel the exact same way? Just because something shouldn't be a certain way doesn't mean it isn't. How likely is it that I will find a partner who won't mind no sex and no possibility of children, by any means?

I see you have a family similar to that of my fathers side of the family, because I'm a male who doesn't like sex, I'm gay, because you're a lady who doesn't like sex, you shouldn't even think of having a relationship, perhaps your family need to wake up to the 21st century, what you suggest would be my ideal relationship!!! A partner to love & care for, to spend precious time with, without the hinderance of sex? Yes please, I'm going to repeat what so many others have said on here already, nothing is impossible, if you want a relationship, you'll find the right one eventually, only you know your mind & body & only you will do what's best for you

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I've found it can be very difficult for people -- even those who are supportive and loving -- to wrap their heads around the concept of 'no sex' even if they understand (as best they can) that's not something you're interested in, just because there's this idea that those desires are central to a person's needs. Obviously it's not, but I think sometimes it's easy to forget for people who aren't ace -- that's my experience anyways. Even after I tell people I'm asexual, and explain what that means I'll still get comments from family friends and family members about "wait until you're married, you'll" or "you never know until you're a parent yourself." I know they mean well, but they're still operating under the social norms of having kids and getting married is something people do. I do think though, that's changing as more people (ace or not) are proving that not having children or getting married isn't a requirement of being happy. Personally, I'm not really invested in the idea of getting married though I would love to adopt children -- but the whole "go to school, get a good job, get married, have children" thing really isn't for me.

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I like kids a lot and work with them. I do not understand why this would mean I want several of my own. And I agree that no one's advice is needed. People can live happily together without sex. Years ago, it was being sexual that you hid. That was the thing to be embarassed about. Prior to birth control married couples only slept together if they were preparing to have children. You see all those old movies and the married couples sleep in single beds. I mean that was a real thing! It is only since birth control was readily available that Sex seems to be the next step on a date. How much we have changed!

People used to date without sex. Sex was something that you did to have children, plain and simple.

Sorry, just needed to correct one little thing. Married couples did not sleep in separate single beds. That was something Hollywood did because they thought it was inappropriate to show a couple sharing a bed. Most married couples slept in the same bed, at least for the last couple hundred years. Movies are not an accurate representation of real life.

Also, birth control, in one form or another, has been around since the Biblical days, well before modern medicine came up with new methods. There was certain roots that could prevent a woman from becoming pregnant as well as certain foods one could eat to remove an unwanted pregnancy. Birth control is not a new concept, it has been around for thousands of years, its simply the idea of who was allowed to take it (single vs married) that has changed over the years.

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Without determination, there is little chance of success, so if you are determined to find someone who doesn't mind no sex and possibly no children, then don't let your family or anyone else kill that determination.

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