Jump to content

Sex and comfort levels


Neoko

Recommended Posts

So, I really don't like sex, and I really want to like it, so I keep trying, expecting different results. I feel some degree of pleasure maybe 1/4th of the time, the rest is either indifference, or it's painful. It all feels really forced, and if I'm allowed too much time to think about it, I give myself anxiety attacks and it becomes a very analytical process. The girl I'm currently experimenting with is very uncomfortable with my mindset about sex :( I basically told her that for me to enjoy it, I needed to be pushed into it and not given the opportunity to over think it. And then, half the time I have sex, I feel really disgusted by the entire thing. I feel dirty, impure, tainted, etc. I'm not religious at all, so I've no idea where those thoughts come from. I consulted a gynecologist about why I don't like sex, and his solution was to try dildos until I like it -rolls eyes-

So, anyway, I was concerned that maybe my attitude towards sex is kind of unhealthy, and I wanted to know if there was any way I could fix it. And I was curious if I might be considered sex repulsed or not?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Like, I have sex to make my partner happy, and even if I'm uncomfortable with it, I will not say no. Oops...

Link to post
Share on other sites
CatastropheCat

First of all, if you're at all uncomfortable with having sex, tell your partner. If she pressures you to participate in sexual things despite your discomfort, SHE'S NOT THE RIGHT PARTNER FOR YOU! I put that in caps because it's very important - consent is a sober, continuous, and WILLING yes. You deserve so much more than someone who will pressure you into having sex for their own enjoyment.

As for feeling dirty afterwards, it sounds like you might be sex repulsed - sex might make you uncomfortable. I myself am sex indifferent, so I can't give you much of a reference point. If you do decide you want to have sex with your partner, however, I suggest talking to her about what you are/aren't comfortable with. I'm not comfortable with my own genitals being touched, but I'm perfectly willing to touch my partner's, and we've worked out a system around that - sexual contact in exchange for back rubs. They like giving back rubs and I like giving them sexual pleasure. IT works out for BOTH of us :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I want to though, I just need a little bit of a push. It's not nonconsensual. I want to experiment with it, even though it will probably end in a compromise like yours, because backrubs and cuddles sound so much nicer than sex. I like foreplay, I want to experiment with kinks like candle wax and bondage. Would I prefer those things to be non sexual? Yeah, but if my partner wants them to be sexual, then that's okay too. The only times I wasn't really consensual was the first few times I had sex, I was panicked and shaking and my partner didn't understand that my reaction was a bad one. She thought my quivering was cute. I didn't know how to say no, and she wanted to do it to prove that she could make me like sex/orgasm. Which, didn't happen, but she thought it had. I had to explain to her afterwards that my shaking wasn't a good thing. I ended up wanting to have sex near the end of our relationship, because it was the only time she really showed me affection. It was a train wreck, and I'm so glad it's over.

The girl I'm sleeping with now, has been one of my closest friends for almost 10 years. We had sex once, and I wasn't comfortable with her touching me, but I did stuff for her. I don't think I can let her touch me unless she pushes me into it, which is something I want, but she is not comfortable with that, so we're going to start off with cuddling and kissing and maybe in the future move from there. She'll be able to learn the things that I actually like this way. Blech, I don't know.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds like you might be repulsed, but that isn't unhealthy. Your comfort, and your boundaries matter, so continuing to push yourself into sex even though it repulses you is only stressful. You don't have to have sex to please your partner. You don't have to, and shouldn't have to change for her. If you want to change, then it needs to be for your sake.

If you feel distressed over how you feel about sex, consider where it comes from: do you feel distress over the repulsed feelings themselves, or does the distress come from the pressure that your partner is placing on you?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Moved from Asexual Q&A to The Gray Area, Sex and Related Discussions

Lia

Asexual Q&A Co-Moderator

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...