Lots of sex, but still asexual?

[asanaambitions]

Trigger warning, I do talk very frankly about sex and arousal (though nothing graphic) and I'll probably ramble a bit as I'm still pretty confused about all of this.

I've been very lost and confused for a long time, so I wanted to share my personal experiences to see if anyone has insight or similar experiences. I'm a woman who has dated many men (and a few women) in my life and I have had a lot of sex. However, I don't seem to have a desire for sex that originates within myself, nor do I fantasize about sex or see masturbation as anything more than something required for a healthy brain. As I'm very empathetic, usually I can get wrapped up in the excitement of a new partner, which will temporarily overcome the discomfort I feel around being touched all the time. Eventually though (usually within 2-3 months) that fades and I'm left with a hurt and confused partner. I know scientifically speaking it's because my brain is hopped up on the natural equivalent of ecstacy, even if I'm not having lots of orgasms along with the sex, but this really doesn't help my partner to empathize with what's going on. All they know is I used to be happy to have sex and now I'm not, so obviously something is wrong with either me or them (as time goes on the blame usually shifts solely to me and I become "frigid" and "a cold bitch"). For a while I thought tantra was the answer, and it is true that with a very long slow build up I am still able to become aroused enough that sex isn't something to be dreaded but it still doesn't make me any more likely to want to initiate a sexual situation where I am supposed to be enjoying myself. Initiating something where I please my partner but am not touched myself is fairly easy though. I guess mainly I'm looking for a way to help my current partner understand that there's nothing wrong with either of us, that my lack of wanting sex isn't a negative reflection on him and that with some understanding and freedom to be myself then even without the blatant sexual desire most people experience I can indeed enjoy being sexual and intimate with him. Thanks for reading.

[.,.]

send your current partner this bulk of text that you just wrote. should do it.

[IAmNoBird]

Whether or not you are asexual is based on how you feel, not what you do. You could, theoretically, continue having sex, and enjoy it even, and still be asexual. Many aces have sex to please their partners, etc.

We can't tell you whether or not you're ace. What you need to ask yourself is, do you experience sexual attraction? Do you feel like you "need" sex in a romantic relationship?

[AspirationElf]

I completely understand how you feel. I was like that too in the beginning of many relationships. We start out in the early dating process having sex probably once a week, or every two weeks. I know for some sexuals this might not be a lot but for me, that was enough. However, after a few months, I would start to retreat and would sometimes go weeks without initiating sex and the girl would then take it as they are not good enough. I've hurt many girls in the past, while not knowing that this was happening or that sex meant this much to them. I only realized that in my current relationship, and that was after countless fights. Now our relationship is ruined because I wasn't communicating well enough and me not initiating sex has made her fall into a bad depression and lost of confidence. I thought us cuddling, holding hands, and having deep conversations was enough but some sexuals just need more than that to feel connected.

I think it is good that you're realizing it now and before things get too bad to the point that it is unfixable. You should definitely have a talk with him and explain to him what asexuality is and that you want to work something out. Some kind of a compromise. Hopefully you guys will work things out and not suffer the same fate as what happened to me.

[dmm1969]

I can completely relate, except my relationships have been longer, but probably because I am the guy, and the one who is suppose to be the sexual one.