somethingrandom Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 So I've been thinking about whether I'm asexual or not for a while now and I think I am but I was hoping for some clarification on something. I've never had any relationship, never kissed anyone, never had sex. Is this because I'm asexual or does this make me asexual? I can't decide if I've never done anything romantic or sexual because I'm asexual, or if I'm deciding I'm asexual because I've never done anything. I both would love and hate the idea of being in a relationship - I do feel awkward around guys sometimes and don't like the topic of sex because I've never done anything sexual and so I feel out of place, but at the same time I just don't want to hear it because there's more interesting things to talk about. I think I would like to experience a relationship in the future, but is that only because everyone else has and I want to join in? I just don't know if I'm using my maybe asexuality as a reason for why I've never had a relationship or if I actually am asexual which is why I've never had one. Any help or thoughts would be greatly appreciated as I am very confused at the moment! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AgentSkyHawk Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 This is incredibly oversimplified but: Do you feel sexual attraction? If not, you're ace. If you do, you're not ace. If you do sometimes, or only in certain situations, you're possibly gray-ace. If you only feel it after having a strong emotional bond with someone, you're probably demisexual. Whether or not you're in a relationship/have had sex doesn't actually make you asexual or not. A lot of aces are in relationships/have had sex. The behaviour doesn't equal the sexuality...if that kind of makes sense? Hope this helps! Remember, only you can decide what labels you are going to use for yourself. If you don't feel like any label fits you, or just don't want to use them, then you don't have to use any at all. It's your choice! :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tenara Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 The trouble with using any kind of label to describe yourself is that we are all unique individuals, so no-one else is going to be using the same label in exactly the same way as you are. That's why, as Amoeba said, you are the only one who can decide whether to call yourself asexual. For me, it means I'm not interested in sex, and I don't find people sexually attractive. I am romantic, and I find a useful way of describing it to myself is to say I like people, but I don't fancy them. The thing is, there's nothing to stop you trying out a particular label, living with it for a while, and seeing if it fits comfortably. If it doesn't, you can stop using it, or if you find another label that fits better, you can use that. Nothing has to be forever. I called myself a lesbian for years because I didn't fancy men, and then I got in a relationship with a woman, and even though I didn't fancy her either, the label seemed to fit because I was in a same sex relationship, so I kept it. It was only after that relationship ended that I started trying to figure out my identity again, and I came across asexual. That works for me. You just have to decide what works for you - for now. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
somethingrandom Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 Thank you both this definitely helps :) I'm just worried I'll call myself asexual and actually turns out I'm not - I'll feel like I would have been lying to others and myself. But I guess for the moment I am asexual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Dizzard Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Thank you both this definitely helps :) I'm just worried I'll call myself asexual and actually turns out I'm not - I'll feel like I would have been lying to others and myself. But I guess for the moment I am asexual. I think that's something a lot of people worry about (particularly when they first discover Asexuality), so I don't think you're alone there. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AgentSkyHawk Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Thank you both this definitely helps :) I'm just worried I'll call myself asexual and actually turns out I'm not - I'll feel like I would have been lying to others and myself. But I guess for the moment I am asexual. I've felt exactly the same way for quite a long time, and I still do sometimes, but I think the AVEN FAQ addresses it really well: What if it's a phase? What if it is? That doesn't stop you being asexual right now. It may be tempting to hold back on accepting your asexuality in the hope that eventually you'll 'bloom' into a sexual person. I'm not saying that might not eventually happen, but consider this: do you want to spend your life thinking of yourself as an undeveloped person, living for the dreamed of day when you'll become whole? Might you feel more comfortable accepting who you are now as a whole complete valid person? Maybe one day you will “bloom”, and if and when you do, you won't have lost anything by being comfortable in the mean time. There's no shame in identifying as one thing and then later identifying as another. Your identity isn't meant to limit you. If you've moved on or changed, then by all means describe yourself differently. If you fear you might be different in the future, that doesn't change which label is most useful to you in the present. There's nothing wrong with change. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
somethingrandom Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 Thanks so much for showing me that it's definitely made me feel better about deciding to call myself asexual. I suppose it doesn't matter if you call yourself something different if you change in the future :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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