Getting upset about never having a family

[RobPal]

I'm normally quite an emotionless guy, but I've noticed that I've been getting upset when seeing others have babies, whether it's friends, family or stuff on TV (both real and fiction). I also have a similar reaction when people I'm close to get married.

Being both asexual and aromantic I don't feel any need to have a partner and therefore children, but I just don't understand why I get so upset about it happening to others. Is it just overwhelming happiness for others or is it something deeper that's related to how my life won't be how I used to imagine it would turn out?

I'm 36 years old and this seems to be getting worse the older I get. I'd like to try and get some understanding of it while I've still got some time on my side to make some changes, whatever they might be.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

[cdrdash]

No advice or clue as to what is bringing up your emotions. But I don't see any harm in having them or any need to do anything about them.

I can get emotional about babies and weddings but I don't interpret that as a desire to have babies or get married. I would say the emotions I have are a mixture of envy that this person is experience this grand event and I'm not (even though I don't want a baby, I would like to experience a grand event and get all this lovely attention from friends and family), sadness that they now will be busy with the baby or the spouse and not have as much time for me, and overwhelming happiness for them.

Cathy

[RobPal]

Thanks for your response.

For me it's definitely not about wanting attention about something special happening to me. I'm an introvert and don't cope well with attention. It's also not about people being busy with their new families as I like being on my own and being able to choose the rare occasions I spend with friends and family is fine with me.

It's getting to the stage where I'm always feeling close to the edge of tears, but not tears of sadness. I don't get it and would like to know why.

[DreadfulBetty]

Have you spoken to your GP about the possibility of depression?

[Runly]

I desperately wanted to have a child in my late 30s, but it didn't/couldn't happen for me. Now I do childcare for a living, and this filled the void to excess. I'm actually glad now I didn't have kids! Quite often, it's chaos disguised as happiness.

[Darlabean]

Sometimes it can be hard when you know your life is never going to be quite ike everyone else's. It's not just friends and family, but even the wider community, media....you can be bombarded with what is perceived as "normal" and what isn't. And while being asexual - you are what you are - it can still be challenging, I think - as what feels normal to me (as an asexual) is not what the mainstream thinks is normal. And 9 times out of 10 being myself and being true to myself is absolutely fine and not a problem - but there is the occasional moment or two when knowing you don't quite fit in and the wider asexual community is mostly "online" and not close by - it can be a hard. So I can understand why that might be upsetting on some levels. As you say you are at a cross road time of life - and it could just be the realisation that what is considered the norm road is really not for you and really never will be and facing what that means. But on the other hand - you never what is ahead and what kind of life you have ahead and I suspect being true to who you are has to mean you are on the right path. But if the upset continues yes - you might want to talk to someone just to be sure you don't have anything else troubling you.

[Valja]

Sometimes I see children in the park and I think they are cute and I could be in the future a parent who stays with its child under the blanket and watch cartoons together, but most of the times is a no, no family, no children, but I don't know what emotions I will experience later in life when I'll be in my late 20's or entering my 30's, I don't want to think about it.

[Xavy]

Probably not the same thing, but at one point, I was the only childless person in my department at work. It took a lot of mental strength to just ignore everybody telling me "don't wait too long to have a child" or asking me "what are you waiting for?". THAT was annoying as hell. Thankfully there has been a big shake up of staff and a lot of people were let go and some younger, child free new employees came in.

Maybe, the answer is avoiding places like the park where you will see lots of kids, or maybe hanging out with child free, unmarried people if possible.

[RobPal]

Have you spoken to your GP about the possibility of depression?

I'm definitely not depressed. I'm a very happy person 99.9% of the time, it's just those occasional times when my emotions are more powerful than they used to be.

Sometimes it can be hard when you know your life is never going to be quite ike everyone else's. It's not just friends and family, but even the wider community, media....you can be bombarded with what is perceived as "normal" and what isn't. And while being asexual - you are what you are - it can still be challenging, I think - as what feels normal to me (as an asexual) is not what the mainstream thinks is normal. And 9 times out of 10 being myself and being true to myself is absolutely fine and not a problem - but there is the occasional moment or two when knowing you don't quite fit in and the wider asexual community is mostly "online" and not close by - it can be a hard. So I can understand why that might be upsetting on some levels. As you say you are at a cross road time of life - and it could just be the realisation that what is considered the norm road is really not for you and really never will be and facing what that means. But on the other hand - you never what is ahead and what kind of life you have ahead and I suspect being true to who you are has to mean you are on the right path. But if the upset continues yes - you might want to talk to someone just to be sure you don't have anything else troubling you.

I thought I had learnt to accept the way things will be now I know I'm asexual, but I think I sometime still question whether things might one day change of the right person comes along, although after 36 years of no sexual attraction whatsoever, I don't know why I think it might suddenly change now. But this outside maybe chance is one that pops up at times alongside the knowledge that it probably won't change. It;s most likely that which is upsetting me.

Probably not the same thing, but at one point, I was the only childless person in my department at work. It took a lot of mental strength to just ignore everybody telling me "don't wait too long to have a child" or asking me "what are you waiting for?". THAT was annoying as hell. Thankfully there has been a big shake up of staff and a lot of people were let go and some younger, child free new employees came in.

Maybe, the answer is avoiding places like the park where you will see lots of kids, or maybe hanging out with child free, unmarried people if possible.

I don't really have any single childless friends left. Most of my friends are now couples with kids, although I do spend most of my time at home on my own anyway, which I'm very content with.

[violet_rose]

Sometimes it can be hard when you know your life is never going to be quite ike everyone else's. It's not just friends and family, but even the wider community, media....you can be bombarded with what is perceived as "normal" and what isn't. And while being asexual - you are what you are - it can still be challenging, I think - as what feels normal to me (as an asexual) is not what the mainstream thinks is normal. And 9 times out of 10 being myself and being true to myself is absolutely fine and not a problem - but there is the occasional moment or two when knowing you don't quite fit in and the wider asexual community is mostly "online" and not close by - it can be a hard. So I can understand why that might be upsetting on some levels. As you say you are at a cross road time of life - and it could just be the realisation that what is considered the norm road is really not for you and really never will be and facing what that means. But on the other hand - you never what is ahead and what kind of life you have ahead and I suspect being true to who you are has to mean you are on the right path. But if the upset continues yes - you might want to talk to someone just to be sure you don't have anything else troubling you.

I can definitely relate to feeling this way, whenever I feel secure in my identity something jolts me into the realization that I'm not “normal”. Accepting it has been like a grieving process for a hypothetical life that never existed and maybe that’s the most upsetting aspect.

However recently I have been thinking about what it would be like to be pregnant and become a mum. I've never really subscribed to the whole biological clock cliché but I'm starting to wonder if it will hit me in a few years’ time and that is quite an unsettling thought. I'm confused to whether these slight “maternal instincts" are originating from my own feelings or have they resulted from societal expectations.

[coyote55]

If you want a complete family situation, it is indeed difficult for us... however, you can be an important person in the lives of other families, even if they aren't your own. Do you have siblings or relatives with children, who would welcome you as a close uncle to their kids?

There's also working with families through volunteering. I'm not familiar with opportunities in the UK, but there may be organizations like Big Brothers/Big Sisters and Boy's and Girl's clubs, which are always looking for volunteers to mentor kids. Schools are another venue, of course.

I've been fortunate, as an ace, to have been close with 3 different families outside of my own. I helped them out with childcare, house and car repairs, birthdays, and many other situations. Not being married myself, I had time to spend with them, and their kids grew up knowing me far better than their own uncles and aunts - in fact, one of my godsons and his wife want me to be "Uncle Bob" to their baby son. Not bad at all!

[Darlabean]

Well then RobPal, I think that all sounds perfectly normal to me! What you are feeling. Although I have always felt the way I do now, I only came to discover the asexual term later in life (like many other older folk on here - as I am 41) - but knowing I was not alone in being this way and that I was a perfectly functioning adult, who just wasn't interested in sex, was a massive comfort. I had tried unsuccessfully previously to pursue relationships with non-asexuals on and off over the years as I was like - surely there is someone out there etc, and the immense discomfort I have felt in relationships where sex was considered essential and the norm - makes so much more sense now. I suspect being able to find a like minded person (as discussed on these forums a lot) is probably unrealistic, and I am quite content (like you) being on my own - but that doesn't stop the contradictory feeling, that often still pops up every now and again, where I think the same - that maybe I haven't found the right person.

Yet, having been in a few short term relationships as noted - and been miserable - and knowing the chances of finding a non asexual where I live - who is compatible (when it's nearly impossible to find any male in Melb in my age group who even wants to meet in person!!) is so unlikely, there are definitely days where I can feel sad about it and I think that is just part of the course - just as I suspect there are married non-asexuals with kids, who probably periodically crave the single life!! It's just doubly hard for us sometimes as our options in that arena are so limited (unlike the married unhappy non-asexual). I agree with the other posters though, that there are other ways to get involved in family type life and it sounds like you have the resources to do that if you want to - so if it's just the validation of feeling upset and if this is normal etc - then I hear you and yes, I suspect, as I say above, perfectly understandable and that you aren't alone in feeling like that sometimes. The good news is that, as you have discovered and others also say - the feelings do pass. And then you look around and go - hey my life is pretty good nonetheless and never give up hope that someone else who is compatible might come along - it's a long shot, but I haven't given up completely on that either. ;-)

[Plectrophenax]

I would imagine it's frustration at being reminded of what others have and you cannot, frustration also at the 'normalcy' of it. Even though I feel as though I've grown resistant to it, I still feel this when people I consider asexual [because sexuality is rearly a topic and thus it's all-too tempting to subconsciously default to asexuality] get involved in serious relationships. It's sort of a "oh, right, you are a sexual person" moment of realisation, and it tends to make me feel quite alienated. I, of course, wish them well and hope for their happiness in spite of the odds, but I can't say I'm completely untouched by it. Perhaps it's also a notion of unspoken expectancy directed towards myself. Everyone's doing it, why not you? Though I assuredly am immune to that, it may still be a factor with regards to my initial knee-jerk reaction.

I don't think you can 'change' the situation you are in much, but you can try and get into a platonic friendship/semi-romance in order to see if - maybe - that sort of lifestyle is something for you. In the same vein, you can contemplate adoption [though I'm not sure about the restrictions for this] or volounteering for childcare, as coyote55 suggests.

[Darlabean]

You capture what I have been trying to say really well Plectrophenax!

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

I think this is a really good thread, and it shows that these feelings are fairly common among older aces, myself included. Typically, we regret decisions we made in the past. It's easy to look back with everything we know now and see how we made the wrong choice. But, given the information we had at the time of making this choice, it was probably seemed like the right choice at the time.

I feel like this lack of having a family is akin to regretting never making that connection that others so easily seem to make. It's easy for us to look at what others have and say "I'd kind of like to have that". But, we don't have all the information available to know that it would have been any better a choice. Having kids may have made your life miserable, who really knows?

What exacerbates the issue is that the regret stems from not doing something. It wasn't a single choice in one point in time, it was a multitude of choices. And because you can perpetually decide to not do that something, it continuously nags you.

So, the trick is to cast that regret aside and focus on all the positive things you have right now in front of you. If you truly honestly wanted to settle down and make some babies, you would be driven and focused to do so. Perhaps you are more passionate about carpentry, bicycle riding, or reading instead. You have to evaluate whether that's true in your life or not.

[nutmegbrown]

Robpal, I feel your pain! I have two adult children who connect me. Having children is still a drive asexual can have. We have no desires for sex but desire a family.

[RobPal]

Thanks for all your responses. I guess it's just me getting older and more soft in my emotional response to stuff that is related to families. I'm still fairly sure I don't really want a family or even a partner of my own, but I won't completely rule it out.

[Kaven]

I can completely relate. There have been many reasons in my life as to why I didn't have children, and when I hit about 33 - 34, I realized it was really now or never. I had friends who would be sperm donor if I asked*. Adoption as a single lesbian is no longer taboo where I live, I could go that route. Ultimately - I decided having children wasn't the right choice for me. But I did have to go through a period of mourning while coming to terms with it.

Because I seriously considered it and researched options and made a choice - I no longer feel "what if" - I made that choice and I accept it.

I do remember seeing an adoption listing in my state for a 17 year old who hadn't aged out of the system yet that was still looking to be adopted and be supported through college. I'm not able to provide for that today - but perhaps someday.

There are also study abroad programs where someone stays with you for a year and goes to your local high school to experience living in another country. Again - I don't have the resources to be a sponsor today, but perhaps I could do that in the future.

*I find a lot of people don't realize you can get pregnant without sex or the need to go to a doctor, google 'artificial insemination at home'.

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

Also, so many children with poor starts in life could benefit from a good stable person to guide them. Have you thought about fostering/adoption/mentoring?

[Dextrousleftie]

It's hard to let go of expectations that you had. You're reaching an age where you're realizing that any type of 'normal' just isn't for you, and that can be difficult to accept. Moreover, what's really happening is you're grieving for a loss - the loss of 'what might have been' and maybe what you'd hoped would be. And there is nothing wrong whatsoever with grieving over losing something, even something you've never really had. because you're still losing something - the hopes and dreams you might have had when you were younger, the thinking that things might change for you at some time if you just met the right person...you're giving up on some things, and that is a definite loss. It's good to grieve, and to take as much time as you need to do so, so that when you're ready you can go out into the world as the new person you're becoming with no regrets or feelings of loss or unhappiness. I know. iM' going through something similar myself, though not over the thought of kids. I'm grieving for my old expectations of life, that I'd meet the right person and that my sexuality would just 'turn on' and that we'd live happily after ever after together. I now know that that won't be happening, and that I have to adjust my life and expectations to something different. And I'm doing it, but there is still that sense of loss. Just don't try to push those feelings away or deny them. That'll only make it harder for you in the long run. Eventually that sense of loss will fade, you'll embrace who you are fully, and life will be good again. Until then, just feel what you're feeling and let it be.

[Thrasymachus]

I think your way of thinking is odd. Why are you upset?

I don't want kids or a family, I look at as if my life would change in the sense that instead of my life being "ahead of me," my life would be "behind me." I would end up like a barnacle stuck to my job, the same general area to give the kid(s) stability, my partner, etc. In other words I would be more anchored in, and have a harder time changing up my life and I don't like feeling trapped. I made a bigger exegesis on my take on such issues in this now locked thread:

The Walnut Theory: Sex, Marriage & Kids Are Not Worth It

That said my biggest concern would be if one of my close friends had kids, because when Americans have kids they don't have time for their friends, especially if they are single and childless. So I don't care what my co-workers or mere acquaintances do, but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't care if one of my only friends settled down.

[Moonchaser]

I desperately wanted to have a child in my late 30s, but it didn't/couldn't happen for me. Now I do childcare for a living, and this filled the void to excess. I'm actually glad now I didn't have kids! Quite often, it's chaos disguised as happiness.

I had that same experience in my 30s, and into my 40s. Even tried to get pregnant, but had fertility issues. I think it was, though, more about my expectations since childhood and some survival instinct we all have, and now that I'm past that period - and past menopause - I'm relieved it never happened. I find that my pets fill that void for me, I mother them like crazy, and can even be mushier with them than would be good for a child, and I find it very satisfying.

I do still get sad in a wispy sort of way about babies, others' grandchildren, but I think it's more about missing an experience of life that so many find fulfilling and just wondering how it might have been. I still don't wish that I had children. I'm still relieved that I don't. I try to transform those feelings into happiness for others, and usually that works. (On a down or depressed day of course that doesn't work so well.)

I do think this is a perfectly normal feeling the OP is describing. We have survival instincts, and to imagine that those instincts can't affect our emotions would be an error. Our strongest instinct, to survive, produces our strongest feelings of all, as anyone who has felt their life directly threatened can attest. So no wonder reproductive instincts (that have only a little to do with sex) can produce emotions.

[seneca]

I'm 50 now, and never married. That doesn't mean I haven't wanted a kid. I see a lot of parents and kids interacting and it seems so wonderful. ( I also know what a pain in the butt they can be) I work with kids as a volunteer, so I get a little of that feeling, but it's not quite the same. I did look into adoption, but an unmarried male is looked at with suspicion. I also told them ( wanting to be totally honest) that I did have depression. That was it. Unfit.

[Tystie]

I was in my early twenties when I was told that I almost certainly wouldn't be able to have kids. I wasn't in a relationship, was in a foreign country, and was busy with grad school...

To be honest, if I had to get that kind of news, then that was a good time, because I wasn't trying to have a child. I wasn't even particularly interested in babies. Thus I had plenty of time to get used to the idea of not being a parent before it could ever become an issue. (My mother was far more upset about the news than I was!)

However, I do see other people and their kids and grandkids, and I do sometimes feel an odd and perverse longing for something that I never expected to have in the first place. Perhaps this is because I see how other people's families are, and I realise that I won't have that as I get older. I see bonds in families and between the generations that just aren't the same as those you develop with friends, no matter how diverse the friends are. I think it is the closeness of the network that I envy, rather than the kids, themselves. (Then again, not all families are close, so it doesn't do to be too envious or unrealistic here!)

It has been my experience that people who have kids shut out the childless people around them...at least for a few years. Oh, I understand it. At least to some extent. Small children are demanding and take time. But...my issue is with how the parents unwittingly turn away from the childless, allied to the assumptions that get made about why the childless haven't produced children of their own. New parents and child(ren) become a closer unit, shutting others out, probably oblivious to the idea that those shut out may not so easily replace the friendships thus denied them.

I never made a deliberate choice not to have kids. I just didn't have them. Okay, so now I know I'm asexual I can see that that further complicates my situation. But I know people who wanted kids, tried for them, and couldn't conceive...and have lost friends because their life paths haven't run in parallel. There is an ache to childlessness, which isn't just about the lack of children. It's about changing relationships and, sometimes, about the loss of valued friendships. This ache is by no means unique to members of this community, although it's obviously an issue here.

On a more positive note, as I've got older, and as other people's children have grown older and left home, I have acquired a new circle of friends who have had kids. Their offspring are not out of the picture, exactly, but aren't a complicating factor in planning our social lives.

I think some of the longing and some of the exclusion are life phases, and ones that.I won't be sorry to leave behind.

[oldgeeza]

I guess I'm quite lucky I have godchildren, I've never been able to hold down a relationship, I've always been cheated on, that with being asexual and impotent, there was never a chance to have children, added to that, the fact that I always had the fear of turning out like my father, the single lifstyle has been more suitable for me, my family haven't really accepted it, they put up with it, my friends, they've got their own lives, but they accept me for who I am, they've always been there for me even when they had kids, so I have been blessed in that respect. I think a lot of how people feel is due to peer pressure, I spend time with my godchildren, I spend time with my friends, my job takes up too much of my time, I can't guarantee to get home during my working week, I don't get conventional weekends off, so a family life, not really possible for the likes of people like me, truck driving is a single persons job, 90% of my colleagues are divorced, separated and in my case, single

[Adam Here]

I don't have anybody in my life except my brother. I accept I will probably die alone. No kids. No wife. No girlfriend. No family. And to be honest, I want it that way.