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Relationship Problems and in Dire Need of Help!


Silk Bones

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Leaving a warning ahead of time: I must apologize for any mistakes and confusion in my grammar structure.(If I make any) Typing this post and dealing with anxiety over this situation is not easy.

So I'm currently stumped here and I'll try to break down the situation as much as possible: I'm currently in a kind-of-official relationship with someone whom is sexual and poly-amorous and we've been talking a lot about how we're going to work out our relationship.

He is aware of my sexuality and everything and he's completely accepting of it. However, It's already a bit difficult for the both of us since he's poly-amorous and I am mono-amorous. He's been popping up the question, about what we're going to do about how we are(with sex and our preferences in relationships) and that's basically why I am typing this post today.

To make things clear, he's 20 and I am 17. He's not pressuring me in to doing it with him or anything, he told me he wants to wait until I am of age to give consent. The main issue is that I tried speaking with him about how I feel.

I've told him:

- I don't want to hold him back because of how I am

-I'd prefer him to be happy and I feel that I'd make him unhappy because of my point of view on sex

-And I've even told him that sex in general is something I have no interests, even if it brings people closer together

Even though I've done more explaining besides telling him those above, He still insists on trying things out and I have no problem with that, However, I worry that many issues may come up. He's completely honest with me and tells me about the others he's currently involved with and despite how I feel, I'm willing to sacrifice all that I can to make sure he's happy.

So my questions are: Does anyone have any advice on what I should do? Any similar experiences? I'd greatly appreciate the help and feedback ^_^

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Hmm, this can be as much of a deal breaker as mixed sex-drives. But in this situation it's a straight yes or no really; there's no compromise possible. I guess he needs to make that decision then. I know he enjoys the relationship, but he needs to look at this problem seriously and not as one that will smooth over. There shouldn't really be any waiting around on that answer; him being unable to be polyamorous is either a deal breaker or it isn't. Just like asexuality, he needed to be up front about his polyamory too. Informing a partner ASAP is best. I don't know about you sacrificing your monoamory though; that can eat away at someone. Though it's important to understand that it is still similar to an asexual and allosexual relationship in the sense that one has a major desire that the other doesn't. In the same way you can't be into more than one person, it is also stifling for him to be only with one person; it's a need. Some allosexual people can bring themselves to not have sex with their asexual partner and some can't. In the same way, some polyamorous people can bring themselves to be monogamous and some can't. The majority of those groups probably can't though.

Interesting fact, according to a national Avvo.com study from June 2015, about 4% of the U.S. population admits to being in an open relationship, which amounts to about 12.8 million people. An open relationship isn't the same thing as polyamory; it just means they can have sex outside the relationship, but still.

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WünderBâhr

To make things clear, he's 20 and I am 17. He's not pressuring me in to doing it with him or anything, he told me he wants to wait until I am of age to give consent. The main issue is that I tried speaking with him about how I feel.

I've told him:

- I don't want to hold him back because of how I am

-I'd prefer him to be happy and I feel that I'd make him unhappy because of my point of view on sex

-And I've even told him that sex in general is something I have no interests, even if it brings people closer together

Even though I've done more explaining besides telling him those above, He still insists on trying things out and I have no problem with that, However, I worry that many issues may come up. He's completely honest with me and tells me about the others he's currently involved with and despite how I feel, I'm willing to sacrifice all that I can to make sure he's happy.

So my questions are: Does anyone have any advice on what I should do? Any similar experiences? I'd greatly appreciate the help and feedback ^_^

Not to be a downer, but the tidbits you highlighted make it seem like you would almost rather him choose to not pick you. I can relate to the feelings of not wanting to hold someone back, or making them unhappy. I hear a lot of those worries from people even in same orientation relationships. And they are reasonable worries to have.

Too often, people charge in to relationships with everything they have, thinking that "love will conquer all", when sometimes, it is more like "love can sort of help with most".. From the worry, there's no question that you care for him, but would you feel okay having sex?

I would also echo Starbit in wondering about sacrificing monoamory, along with reservations about becoming sexually involved (which it seems like he would expect it to happen some time down the road). With all of that, where is the compromise? A relationship can turn toxic very quickly if one is giving more of themselves than the other without either fully acknowledging and agreeing to it.

He may be willing, or at least say that he is, to try to make it work, but if he's not prepared to hear you continue to say no (even after age of consent, for any length or reason you feel like), and is not willing to remain monogamous to you (if that is what you need), then it has more likelihood of ending badly.

Blunt, honest, assertive discussion is required. For your own sake as well as his. I'd say, re-evaluate what you're willing to do vs what you need to receive. If the cost is too great, for either of you, it's okay to be honest about that, too.

Of course, this is all just advice from random person who only knows the interpretation of what you've described as your relationship. All words to be taken with a grain of salt... I really hope it works out for the best for both of you, together or not. :cake:

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Thank you very much Star Bit and bipolar bear, I really appreciate what you've both had to say and it's helped me clear a pathway on what to do next. Together or not, As long as we're happy and comfortable with which ever state we're in, That's all that matters.

To Bipolar Bear:

It's not that I don't want him to pick me, I just want him to go with soething that he's more comfortable with doing. I understand that for him, it'll be difficult to be monogamous to me and I don't want him to feel like he has to change.

Thank you both for helping me ^_^

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