"Sounds like you've set the bar too high"

[Devil Kisses]

Someone just said this to me after I told them I'm grey-A, but my libido is not low. It's not my fault I'm rarely attracted to people. I really wish I was attracted to people more often. Have you ever met someone like this?

[Lord Jade Cross]

You mean people who tell you your too high strung, too demanding...*pulls out list*

[1linuxwhite1]

Yes. Yes. A million times yes!

I know exactly how you feel. When I was in high school people told me this when I "came out" as demisexual/grey-a. One person took it on himself to get me a date for prom, and chose a girl I barely had even met before, saying I should "have fun at prom first and get emotionally connected later." It made me feel like I was wrong for not being able to immediately see someone and feel an immediate romantic and sexual attraction. You have people with similar experiences here at AVEN.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Eww getting set up for a date sounds awful. Im glad I never went to mime.

[1linuxwhite1]

I never went with her. It almost ruined prom for me. I felt like an asshole. The worst part is that it was the person I had a crush on that set up the date.

[D-Ace]

Yes! I've been called a snob by people who don't understand. I don't think I'm a perfect ice queen who is too valuable to share my precious goodies.. I'm just not interested in having sex with anyone.. Average, beautiful, ugly, celebrity.. Whatever the case may be. I used to compromise myself to fit in but I've found that trying to fit in with people who only accept me if I create a false reality for myself are not the people I want to keep company with anyways. There are too many great and understanding people in the world that will accept me for who I truly am for me to keep people around who try to force me to be someone I am not. :)

[Star Bit]

This misconception comes from people who easily experience attraction and aren't informed of or exposed to people who experience it at a different rate. The majority of people seem to be choosing; simply picking from the load of crushes they have at one time; between who's most interesting, etc., and think it's like that for everyone else. They can't relate so they compare it to the only thing they remotely can, which isn't always accurate and most certainly is so in this case. So you need to inform them that just as one cannot choose what gender they're attracted to, what type they are or aren't attracted to, etc., they also can't control how frequent or how rare it happens either.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I.e a whole lot of people in the world.

[Silk Bones]

I've also experienced a slightly similar situation like that before. When i came out to my mom as being Pansexual (this was before I learned the terms of Asexuality/Grey-Asexuality) She asked me:

"Are you sure you know what you are? You haven't even dated any boys yet.."

Little does she know .-.

But ever since then, I've felt like I've been completely "burned" by my own mother and didn't feel comfortable with coming out to her as what I've soon learned about myself many months later. So I'm kinda still in the closet and refuse to come out.

[VZwolf]

Someone should've responded, "Well it seems like you've set the bar too low."

[Star Bit]

Someone should've responded, "Well it seems like you've set the bar too low."

Heh, yes, lol, but that would also inforce the persons assumptions that he's too picky and that it's not due to attraction actually being rare.

[Chardog]

I used to think that myself- I'm just extra picky..

And I though that attraction could be turned on and off- I'm not attracted to anyone because I don't want to be in a relationship right now.

Until I wanted to be in a relationship and I wasn't attracted to anybody and ended up here searching for answers.

[Peachyy]

I want the bar so high that I slam my face into it when I wake up in the morning.

This pretty much directs itself at any sort of human connection i make, and its true (to an extent), but people don't fail to inform me that I should be more' accepting'. I mean, damn, I'm not entirely sure if I even want any sort of platonic partner, and I don't even like having a lot of friends, so there's the unneeded assumption that I'm even looking for people in the first place; as if I'm even grading people on a regular basis by an invisible bar. But to be frank, I don't understand why someone should so easily accept people into their lives. I have standards when it comes to the people I share myself with, and I don't bother interacting with people I don't like or even trust simply because I should be less 'picky' or 'selective'. I'm also a bit tired of people asking why I don't talk about myself more, or saying that they hardly know anything about me when it should be clear to them that I probably don't tell them anything about myself, because I don't want them to know anything about me or my life (and I honestly don't care if they're interested, if I'm not).

I don't see what the problem is with people... If you're not so easily throw over a cliff, I don't understand why people would ask you to jump without your own incentive (horrible metaphor, oh my god). If you're not attracted to people easily, I don't get why you're expected to just go with the next person who stands in front of you. Can everyone at least grasp that one of the standards of being with people, is maybe, I don't know, that you should actually be attracted to them??

[andreas1033]

No, i totally ignore everyone, and have never had feelings for anyone. I have always been asexual, and always will be, in a sex crazed world.People always claim this and that about you, so what, the people cannot stand it that people actually live there lifes not wanting others. What business is it of theres.I have never liked anyone and never will.

I am 40 now, and will stay a virgin till i die, and i will always be grateful that i was always asexual. The sex maniacs can claim what they want, they have never been right in my life and never will.No one speaks for me, other then me, i do not know about you people.

No, i totally ignore everyone, and have never had feelings for anyone. I have always been asexual, and always will be, in a sex crazed world.People always claim this and that about you, so what, the people cannot stand it that people actually live there lifes not wanting others. What business is it of theres.I have never liked anyone and never will. I am 40 now, and will stay a virgin till i die, and i will always be grateful that i was always asexual. The sex maniacs can claim what they want, they have never been right in my life and never will.No one speaks for me, other then me, i do not know about you people.

My experience is that sex maniacs will always be claiming things like this about you. Sex maniacs cannot stand it you have never showed any interest in others.

I am just glad that i will never have to put up with another fool trying to disuade me ever again.

[scarletlatitude]

General note: Remember all that sexual people are welcome on AVEN just as much as asexual people, so let's make sure to not make them feel unwelcomed. :)

I agree that there is nothing wrong with being alone. I love being alone. If I've had a particularly bad week I might not come out into the public for the whole weekend. 48 hours of alone sounds heavenly. :) <3

I think it is really difficult for people who are sexual to understand what it's like to not have that desire. It's like when people tell you that they don't eat chocolate. Your first thought is "wait, EVERYONE eats chocolate!"... but that's not always true. There are some people who don't like it for whatever reason. Weird analogy is weird, but you get my point. :P

[borealmist]

Yes, I've certainly heard this one, but ultimately I think it's a very flawed analogy, implying that everyone has the same ground level. I think it's more of a scale, a sometimes more, sometimes less conscious cost-benefit analysis. Sexual romantics with a strong pair bonding urge start out with a whole lot weighing in favour of a relationship so the normal drawbacks of the general compromising around having one will be outweighed by many possible partners.

But if sex rather becomes more of a problem with a relationship, then that instead weighs against it. If you're sometimes somewhat asocial and need to be alone and don't necessarily need the constant intimacy of a pair relationship, then that becomes a drawback as well. Other positives you can get elsewhere, intellectual stimulation you can get from the internet, human socialization from friends and co-workers and affection from pets.

It can of course still happen, but the qualities that attract would have to be a much more perfect match for there to be a possibility that a relationship would become a net positive, and the chance that those qualities would be something evident enough to surface from a few fleeting meetings is minimal.

I actually had a co-worker suggest I should get Tinder, her friends had apparently been very happy with the results. I think she got a bit embarrassed from what I suspect was a somewhat withering look I probably gave her, as she quickly admitted to it being somewhat superficial. But the fact is, I have no moral judgement about it, it's just that it would be utterly useless. Selecting only from appearance I don't think I'd even get a remotely compatible date out of a hundred. Not even selecting only those I found most aesthetically pleasing would do any good as physical aesthetics would never be enough to make someone significantly more interesting.

[Prairie]

I just realized that the retort to this can be like another one to ask back: "You said you're not bi, right? Are you sure you haven't just set the bar too high?" Zing!

[demiandproud]

I actually had a co-worker suggest I should get Tinder, her friends had apparently been very happy with the results. I think she got a bit embarrassed from what I suspect was a somewhat withering look I probably gave her, as she quickly admitted to it being somewhat superficial. But the fact is, I have no moral judgement about it, it's just that it would be utterly useless. Selecting only from appearance I don't think I'd even get a remotely compatible date out of a hundred. Not even selecting only those I found most aesthetically pleasing would do any good as physical aesthetics would never be enough to make someone significantly more interesting.

Yes. Very much yes. So totally something I've run into again and again with my own sexuality...

OP, I'm sorry you've run into that argument... can't say that I have, more a few "you just haven't found the right person yet" from people who didn't know my sexuality but do know I've been single for a long time.

I think it depends on perceptions, too, exactly what version of "oh, you're wrong, you just need the right partner, or try to have sex" you'll hear. All of them not-good...

[foxbaek]

The problem lies within the media, society, teachers, parents , friend, etc try to define what "normal" means, so where this "bar" is set. Most don't think about "this there anything else? This there more than this.", cause they're simply too lazy to try building their own opinion. Some have high standards, others don't. Some might be "picky", others pick too fast. What would help is no 'judging' each other, but understanding each other.

[Star Bit]

The problem lies within the media, society, teachers, parents , friend, etc try to define what "normal" means, so where this "bar" is set. Most don't think about "this there anything else? This there more than this.", cause they're simply too lazy to try building their own opinion. Some have high standards, others don't. Some might be "picky", others pick too fast. What would help is no 'judging' each other, but understanding each other.

But you can't understand everything. The human mind works with past experiences and if they don't have one then it tries to go to one closest to it. You may not even realize how far you're off from the real thing. And even if you can actually understand it, some people can't apply it to what the other person is. (e.g. a person favors X, and although their friend understands what it's like to favor something they still can't comprehend anyone feeling so toward X and thus still views the favoritism toward X as an exageration or stupid; that's just the way the human brain reacts when it can't relate) That's why it's really important for people to come to understant what it means to be unable to relate; because it seems no one does. But i agree with the other half of your last sentence.