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Coming out as Demi to friends?


1linuxwhite1

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1linuxwhite1

I apologize if this seems out of place, I am new to AVEN. I have identified as a demisexual for a few years now and I used to have no problem talking about my orientation. However, I feel that I may have to change this outlook after an interaction I had with a friend. Me and my friend were hanging out, watching anime at his apartment. We were discussing various things and the discussion turned towards romance in anime being often unrealistic. He asked me if I liked anyone. I confessed that I, while enjoying the genre, have zero experience with romance, or desire to have a relationship at that moment. I then explained to him what demisexuality means.


A few weeks later he asked to go out with me. I tried to turn him down nicely, but things are now awkward between us. The only thing I felt that I did to make him believe I wanted to go out with anyone was describing demisexual to him and providing an example of strong emotion connection as close friends. I believe that is the reason why he believed I wanted to go out with him. I have tried to think back on our relationship and I keep wondering if I unknowingly flirted with him, told him I wanted a romantic relationship, or anything else.

I am now unsure if I should continue being as open about my sexuality to my friends, even if it may result in awkward situations, or if I should stay "in the closet" and try not to make them think I am interested in them. It is hard for me to know what to do. I have no one I feel comfortable talking to about my sexuality in real life and this problem is rooted in it. I wanted to know how other people that are demisexual deal with this.

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Do you know factually that you're demisexual?

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1linuxwhite1

I have thought about it thoroughly since I discovered the term a few years ago. All of my past crushes (there have been three since elementary school) were with close friends, two were purely romantic, one was both romantic and sexual/sensual. I have never had strong enough urges to act, or was too much of a coward to act, so I have never had a partner. I do not currently have any crushes and I do not want to have a partner at the moment either. This made me believe that I am either demisexual or grey-A.

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Can you tell the difference between sexual attraction and sensual attraction then?

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1linuxwhite1

Sexual attraction refers to a desire to have sexual intercourse with another person, while sensual atraction refers to a desire for any type of physical contact with another person, usually cuddling, hugs, etc. For me the sensual attraction I felt for my crush was mainly a desire to hug and cuddle, occasionally bridging into sexual desire for him.

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Sorry for the questions, people can actually mix up attractions when they don't know what they are.

Ok, back to your topic. Some aces can't identify flirting and it sucks when you've been giving false messages, but you just have to correct him. Does this friend know how you behave around other friends? When they don't they can read things romantically, but that's why people should follow the known rule of seeing how they act with friends before writing off the behavior as reciprocation.

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1linuxwhite1

No problem. I understand the need for clear understood definitions on such words, especially for a community such as AVEN.

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edited previous post, dunno if you read it

But you don't want to be open about your orientation to avoid crushes confessing to you? That's really gunna happen anyway. I think you telling him just made it happen sooner. Maybe he viewed you coming out to him as trust and took it as romantic trust or you saying you need to be good friends and the two of you are good friends. Either way that's just stupid to take that one thing that way. It's his bad, not yours. You don't need to change because of one person and visibility is important (with your mental and physical health coming before that though; if coming out to someone would be dangerous then don't feel pressured to unless it's a partner-- though if it's that bad then they're not the right partner for multiple reasons).

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1linuxwhite1

I guess my largest fear is that me telling my friends about being demisexual will put a strain on the relationship, or alter it in another way. Is transparency worth a potential strain on a friendship? And thank you for putting the last parenthetical part, I had a friend who came out as lesbian to her parents and as "punishment" they refused to help pay for college so long as she went out with other women.

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What strain on the friendships are you talking about? Sorry, i don't see how someones sexual orientation could do that.

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1linuxwhite1

I am afraid that they will then try not to get close to me to avoid a romantic relationship, look into everything I do in fear or hope of flirtation or interest, or get close to me just for the reason of sexual or romantic desire. Talking about it with the friend mentioned in the original post resulted in awkwardness down the line. I am afraid that it would prevent me from effectively maintaining a friendship with people if they start looking in to my behavior and believing that I have romantic interest in them.

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Sorry for the late reply.

You're linking things to your demisexuality that aren't related. If they avoid you because you wouldn't give them what they wanted in a relationship then they're no friend to have. What you fear can happen to anyone, so it has nothing to do with coming out as demisexual. People look far too much into behavior being romantic as it is; again you'd have the same problem if you came out or not. If anything you'd be more present in their mind because they know you're an orientation that's not common/commonly talked about (but may be just as common as people who experience immediate attraction). Many people who are gay fear losing their friends for the same reasons you list in the second half of your comment. Would you davise them to not come out or just find better friends? Their awkwardness and unreciprocated feelings are THEIR problem, you shouldn't hold yourself acountable for other peoples problems.

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scarletlatitude

I think what you are experiencing is what a lot of people experience, just with different situations. It's sort of like a heterosexual male being afraid to become friends with a female because she'll think he wants a relationship. I don't think this would be a barrier to your friendships. Like Star Bit said, if the person is going to dislike your sexuality that much, maybe you shouldn't be friends. I have 3 best friends that I can tell anything to and they would accept me. Those are the kinds of friends you need to have. I know they are hard to find (it took me almost 21 years to find that group), but they are worth waiting for, and the bad friends are worth dumping.

Edit to add an example: One of the friends in my group is homosexual. We were the first people she ever came out to. She was really afraid that we wouldn't want to be friends anymore after she told us. Our response was basically "okay cool." It doesn't matter to us that she is homosexual. We don't think she wants a relationship with us. Now we've been friends for about 5 years.

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Hey Linux, from what I read you're having a hard time deciding whether or not to tell your friends because they might not want to get close to you for fear of you becoming attracted to them. This area gets a bit tough because your support pool can overlap with your potential dating pool. Only you can decide whether or not to tell them, if you do try to clarify that "I can only feel attracted to people I'm close to" is not the same as "If I'm close to you I'll be attracted to you" so that they know just because they're your friends doesn't mean you want to date them.

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