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So what's this? (a bit TMI?)


foxbaek

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Hello you wonderful people,

I guess I start here since I can relate to most of the things written in this section. I am not sure if I am gray or demi or whatever, so I hope that you can help me somehow.

How should I start? When I was younger, everyone had their first experiences with sex, but I haven't had 'real' interest in it. I mean I fantasied about sex and I also had dreams, but the real things was kinda gross for me.

Two years ago I was kinda depressive, not sure what to do and I had this constant pressure of my surroundings and relatives asking me 'you have a boyfriend now' or how they talked about having sex and so on, which kinda grossed me out, but I couldn't say thing about it. I knew it made me shudder all time but I simply couldn't say a thing about it, actually I couldn't understand what I was feeling. So I made a step, signed into a dating site and found someone who was really nice and just my type. We met, I liked him and the second time we met I went with the flow and we had sex which I really hated. I thought 'okay it was my first time, maybe it next time it's better'. So it was not. Even more awful and I felt disgusted. I liked to cuddle and kiss, making out a bit, but the real thing was... not worth it I guess?

Soon after this we broke up and I was down, feeling even more depressed, not knowing what was happening. My best female friend that time told me all time that sex was awesome and so one, but I coudln't relate to it, couldn't understand and she told me 'with the right man it's good!'. So I tried it again. Same reaction, same feeling.

I got more depressed cause I knew, I like to be with someone, but I don't want sex and they will leave me. I searched the internet and heard about 'asexuality', which I could only partly relate, but reading along it gave me some hope.

One year passed, months after passed, getting depressions here and there I feel kinda lost. I had time to think about everything and I came to collect some facts.

I do feel sometimes the desire to kiss and cuddle. But I do not want anything else, although I like to RP character which are sexual and enjoy it. What make me confused.

I thought about demi's too. But theres one problem. When I meet new people I'm always distant. When I get to know them I start to develop kinda feeling for them (males one most), but once they're my friends I can't feel anything anymore. Some of your had this experience too? Also I feel like I want a boyfriend, but I don't want to be too close to him. I don't know how to describe it.

All these things are hard on me, they push me and I get confused and with this confusion I get depressed and I don't know what to do. I can't talk to my friend, cause they won't understand what I mean. I can't talk to my family, cause they would say things like 'you haven't found the right one', but actually I don't feel like finding this one. I want to know what I am and how I should act, not to keep that heavy weight on my shoulders.

Anyone here with similar experiences? Anyone feeling the same? Am I gray?

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Miss Anne Thrope

Hey there. I know what it's like to have people hound you for being single and to feel confused and upset about not liking types of intimacy that everyone around me seem to like. I have gone through some difficult and depressive times while trying to figure out my sexuality too. And, like you, I didn't fully accept the label of asexual for me for a while after I learned about it because I didn't think it really fit me. But now I do.

(Warning, possible TMI in this paragraph) You see, I have a pretty high libido. I regularly masturbate, I occasionally fantasize, and I have occasional sex dreams. I am also very sexually open and very sex positive. I thought that all of this contradicted the asexual label.

However, to be asexual means to not experience sexual attraction. While I do have sex dreams and fantasies, none of them involve real people. It doesn't matter if it's someone I know really well or if it's a person I saw in a magazine, I can't imagine being sexual with (or even being able to kiss) any real person. And as for the other stuff: many asexuals do have sexual urges and some even choose to satisfy those urges themselves. Plus, anyone can be open and positive about sex and sexuality! None of these things affect a person's status as an asexual.

From what you've said, it sounds like you're a bit like me and may just be asexual, not grey-a. Grey-asexuals feel sexual attraction rarely, only in certain situations, or mildly enough that they don't act on it. However, only you can decide what your label is, so I encourage you to explore other's experiences of asexuality/grey-asexuality and use whichever term you think feels right.

If you want to talk some more about it, message me anytime! :) :cake:

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Blue Phoenix Ace

From what you've described, it sounds very much like asexuality. You may also be aromantic (no romantic attraction), or possibly demi-romantic (romantic attraction only after knowing a person very well). Do you feel the desire to pair up with someone or does that seem like something you wouldn't want to do?

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scarletlatitude

There's lots of labels you could pick. To me you seem asexual and romantic -- you want the romantic things (the cuddling and what not) but not the sex. But whatever label you pick is up to you and you have the freedom to change it at any time. :)

You are most definitely not alone. There are lots of people just like you on AVEN.

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Thanks a lot for everyone answering my confusion and it really help to read about this.

@miss Anne Thorpe: I do like to touch someone, but hate someone touching me, other than me. Don't know exactly. But I guess from what you said ace would be the better term than grey.

@ DJ Ace : once I've been longing a relationship but up till now I haven't got a chance to test if I want to have physical contact with a person I share a bound with and feel sexual attraction then. I like male bodies and think their beautiful, but I don't know if this influence from others pushed to me 'I want to have sex with someone'. That why I want to figure it out what I am. But I do want to have someone with me later, share a relationship, but it's complicated. It's like finding true self, which I hiding in a deep, dark and scary corner.

@scarletlatitude : thanks a lot! I do feel at home here. This forum gave me new hope which I lost on my way down and picking up again. :)

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