An extremely difficult, but maybe confusingly hopeful situation

[NullFame]

I'm pretty sure I'm going to write a wall of messy text, but I hope I can get some support for this...

She's 17, I'm 22. I'm a feminine, straight, sexual guy. She's asexual, biromantic, and genderneutral (most likely, because she has suffered because of her unusually painful periods, and her family taught her it's normal for women and they have to live with it, so she started to hate being a girl, she has also aspergers, which makes her feel different from others).

We've seen each other on video calls, but haven't met in real life yet. We obviously care a lot about each other... I've loved/liked her for about a year and a half. She was unsure about it... she has cared about me a lot for a long time though... she first said it was just "brotherly/sisterly love".. we've been through a lot... a lllot of difficulties together already, but we've made it through, and even though she has clearly implied it already multiple times, probably said it too in a less serious way, said it in different words, but she finally said she truly loves me, and everything seems to be fine.

But she's an asexual, and I'm sexual? It's kind of a problem... but kind of my saviour. I absolutely hate sex. I'm disgusted by it, and how it controls people. I am almost certain, that sexuality is one of the many big parts which have ruined my life. I've been extremely sexual, I discovered masturbating already when I was FIVE, and I've "studied" hard how it affects me, and it's really obvious to me, that it is what has turned me into a weak, shy, energyless, depressed loser. I'm not the only one who has experienced this, there is a place for people with the same experiences, and there are a lot of them. It also seems a lot people haven't experienced it, and they think the problem doesn't even exist, or that it's something else. But from my experience, some people's bodies and minds aren't capable of handling the huge energy loss, and it affects them drastically, and please don't argue with me on this, if you haven't experienced it yourself.

Yeah, so I'm a porn addict, and an asexual partner is the absolute perfect person, who could help me with it... The thing is... I'm so afraid, that it might not work out after all, and it starts to bother me to the point, where the sexualless relationship is unbearable.

But it gets a llllot more complicated..... We've both gone through extremely difficult times before we met... and both of us are in a condition, where we can't let ourselves go... I have had an extremely traumatic past, and now I have major depression. I tried to get help the best I can, I did everything I could, but even though some idiots say you can keep on fighting till you die... you just can't... there are different stages to it... you start to lose energy and will. I'm literally at the point where the doctors have given up on me. If you'd try to suggest me another thing, which could help me with my depression... I've most likely already heard it at least ten times, and I most likely have some kind of traumatic/energyless block in my mind, which prevents me from trying it. You eventually come to this point. Some people can't be saved from it.

And yeah... this is just extremely difficult... yes, my life depends on her. But I mean I'm so weak, that I most likely am not capable of killing myself. If suicide was that easy, a LOT more people would do it. Some people don't do it, no matter how much they suffer. I feel like I couldn't even suffer more than this, but I feel also, that I'm too intelligent, or something, to not get psychosis, even though even my mother has it, I just can't get to that point, where I'd kill myself, I'd just suffer forever..

She isn't in as bad condition as me, but it's still pretty bad, and for some reason, even she gets barely any help. She still hasn't got any help whatsoever for her period pain, which is why she even had to quit school last year. I could also be a great help for her, since she can't get things done, because she's bad at expressing herself, and I'm a straightforward guy, who says the facts to everyones faces (but yeah.. I'm selfish, and I don't want to hear them myself... that's major depression for you).

Okay, this just got too complicated even for me...

Oh yeah, and she's extremely sensitive, it feels like she's about to break... which is why if me, who she cares about, and who she can relay on the best, would leave her... I don't know what would happen to her...

So we can't leave each other, we're the absolute perfect help for each other.... but there's just this one problem, sexuality, which I've already talked about quite a lot... and which is why I'm here.

I think that I probably couldn't live without sex... but I would be totally okay, if she could still have sex with me, and think of it as a friendly massage... I've of course read, that asexuals might get emotional pleasure from it, because they know how good the sexual person feels, and how much he cares. A step at a time, we'd of course take it super slow before we'd even get there... oh, but there's of course.... ugh, this is just so complicated..... Okay, none of that wouldn't have to happen for years. I'd be okay if we were a couple without sex for a long, long time... I mean she's even underage still. And there's also that I hate it... but I've been so highly sexually active, that.... it has simply become part of me... so maybe I'd eventually need sex... AND at the same time, I'd need to get a good grip of my urges.

I'm so confused, what's going to happen? Oh, I haven't talked her about this. OH............... now I remember, she also once said, that she would be okay, if I had sex with some other person... but I don't want that... I'm so much of a caring person, that ...I don't hurt others (even though I'm kind of hurting her by having my life depend on her, but I don't talk about it to her, so it hasn't been a problem..... but the problem is, that we just can't let go of each other...) but I hurt myself a lot for it...

I'm not going to talk about this with her for a long time, because there's also another problem: the people around her, like her parents for example, talk to her about things, which makes her slightly scared of me, because of my age. We're slowly getting over it, her mother has also fully accepted me (but her father is jealous of me), but I obviously need to be as less creepy about these things as possible.

I really apologize for such a confusing post, but please, help me... Thinking about these things alone makes my days of suffering even worse...

[Hug Trees Not Me]

Just a few thought...

My standard advice is that anyone who is not a stable individual on their own should not enter into any kind of romantic relationship, simply because it is almost guaranteed to become codependent, and codependence is always unhealthy. However, from what you have said, it sounds like your relationship has already become pretty codependent, so maybe it is too late to avoid that.

Secondly, asexuality is defined as not experiencing sexual attraction (as I am sure you can read at the top of the screen, so I don't know why I am telling you), and some asexuals still masturbate, have a sex drive, enjoy the emotional connection they receive from sex, etc. Obviously I do not know you at all, but you did say, " I absolutely hate sex. I'm disgusted by it, and how it controls people." I am not sure if you mean this in more of an intellectual way than a desire way (I don't really know the difference, I am sex-repulsed), but if you actually do not have a desire to have sex with specific people, you may also be asexual.

That's all I've got, but I hope that helps. If you ever want to talk, you can always shoot me a PM. :)

Have some cake!

[NullFame]

Just a few thought...

My standard advice is that anyone who is not a stable individual on their own should not enter into any kind of romantic relationship, simply because it is almost guaranteed to become codependent, and codependence is always unhealthy. However, from what you have said, it sounds like your relationship has already become pretty codependent, so maybe it is too late to avoid that.

Secondly, asexuality is defined as not experiencing sexual attraction (as I am sure you can read at the top of the screen, so I don't know why I am telling you), and some asexuals still masturbate, have a sex drive, enjoy the emotional connection they receive from sex, etc. Obviously I do not know you at all, but you did say, " I absolutely hate sex. I'm disgusted by it, and how it controls people." I am not sure if you mean this in more of an intellectual way than a desire way (I don't really know the difference, I am sex-repulsed), but if you actually do not have a desire to have sex with specific people, you may also be asexual.

That's all I've got, but I hope that helps. If you ever want to talk, you can always shoot me a PM. :)

Have some cake!

She said she has never had any sex drive. Nowdays, I get turned on by everything, that's what loneliness and the internet does to you.

[Zorc]

Just FYI bro, but you may not want to add your little bracket bit about gender... It's somewhat offensive to say the least. Do you hate being a guy because you get awkward boners in the most inconvenient situations? If you're going to think that way, you may want to keep the thought in your brain where it belongs.

[NullFame]

Just FYI bro, but you may not want to add your little bracket bit about gender... It's somewhat offensive to say the least. Do you hate being a guy because you get awkward boners in the most inconvenient situations? If you're going to think that way, you may want to keep the thought in your brain where it belongs.

Wait, wait, wait, I didn't get it.... must be because of my english... would you elaborate? It's offensive to guys who like being guys......? And which part of my text was offensive?

[Zorc]

most likely, because she has suffered because of her unusually painful periods, and her family taught her it's normal for women and they have to live with it, so she started to hate being a girl

^Offensive to many DFAB trans people

[NullFame]

most likely, because she has suffered because of her unusually painful periods, and her family taught her it's normal for women and they have to live with it, so she started to hate being a girl

^Offensive to many DFAB trans people

I really apologize, but I still don't get it. That was the conclusion we have come about her situation. There are other factors too, as I mentioned, and of course also that maybe she has always felt she was that way, everything is possible.

[Tarfeather]

@OP: Honesty, trust, communication. The usual. Don't worry so much about every little detail. Instead, be honest to her, show your true self to her, explain your wishes and problems and desires, then find a solution together. Oh, and as for your psychological problems, don't let it influence the things you talk about. A healthy relationship absolutely requires being able to openly talk about the issues in that relationship, even if it hurts one or both involved. If that isn't there, you might as well break the relationship off right now.

My standard advice is that anyone who is not a stable individual on their own should not enter into any kind of romantic relationship, simply because it is almost guaranteed to become codependent, and codependence is always unhealthy. However, from what you have said, it sounds like your relationship has already become pretty codependent, so maybe it is too late to avoid that.

Can we please not mix up codependency and mutual dependency? Thank you.

Just FYI bro, but you may not want to add your little bracket bit about gender... It's somewhat offensive to say the least. Do you hate being a guy because you get awkward boners in the most inconvenient situations? If you're going to think that way, you may want to keep the thought in your brain where it belongs.

Uhm.. I also hate that aspect of my "male biological nature", and I don't really see any reason not to express that?

[Tarfeather]

most likely, because she has suffered because of her unusually painful periods, and her family taught her it's normal for women and they have to live with it, so she started to hate being a girl

^Offensive to many DFAB trans people

What, the notion of someone caring so little about their gender that they're mostly concerned about biological consequences rather than gender identity seems offensive to you? Are you one of those nutters who also thinks that a person who doesn't have gender dysphoria can't be agender because they are okay with living in their male/female body?

[NullFame]

@OP: Honesty, trust, communication. The usual. Don't worry so much about every little detail. Instead, be honest to her, show your true self to her, explain your wishes and problems and desires, then find a solution together. Oh, and as for your psychological problems, don't let it influence the things you talk about. A healthy relationship absolutely requires being able to openly talk about the issues in that relationship, even if it hurts one or both involved. If that isn't there, you might as well break the relationship off right now.

Thanks. She's even a bit too open, for some reason, she isn't even capable of lying, and she has taught me a lot about honesty. I don't think I'm going to be ready to talk about my super high sex drive for a while.... and yeah, it's quite scary to keep it to myself, since she's so honest herself... And even though I seem a bit confused here, I'm actually really, really good at communicating with her, and figuring out answers to my, and her problems.

Oh yeah, that's another thing I forgot to mention... my depression has just recently started to affect my thoughts about her.... and it's absolutely ridiculous, she's going to cut her hair, and that made me depressed...... but even when I was feeling low, I knew for a fact, that looks don't matter in the slightest, and those kind of things would never, ever affect our bond. And yeah, we openly talked about that, because that's what I usually do, that's what she does automatically, we came to some kind of conclusion, and... it took hours, but in the end, I was finally feeling better, and it didn't bother me at all. And I mean I wasn't feeling depressed because of it, but my depression made me think negatively about it (I mean I still don't like the hair style she's going for, it's disappointing, but it.. just doesn't matter, she doesn't become a different person, or anything like that, when she cuts her hair.....).

The thing that might cause trouble with our communication is her slight incapability of expressing herself. She also gives up easily... but I mean I always think a lot about everything, and aim to do the right thing.

But still... everything seems fine right now... but I'm really, really scared and nervous that something might happen... something that might be too difficult to get through.. because it's all so confusing and complicated (as I've said a billion times by now).

Oh, and...... probably one of the most important things I forgot to mention.... since she's a bit different from me... I sometimes have trouble accepting her.... and that must be because I don't understand her, because I don't feel and experience the same things she does... and because of my depression. She sometimes feels like no one accepts her... I make her feel like it sometimes... but we usually get through those moments, too, and I'm starting to understand and accept her more and more.. Her family also doesn't really accept her... but she has a friend... who is almost exactly like her, who of course fully accepts her.... she had a little crush on her.. but in the end, she still says I'm the one she truly loves.... the two girls rarely see each other though, and apparently her friend drinks alcohol, and does some crazy stuff, which doesn't really interest neither of us.

[Zorc]

most likely, because she has suffered because of her unusually painful periods, and her family taught her it's normal for women and they have to live with it, so she started to hate being a girl

^Offensive to many DFAB trans people

What, the notion of someone caring so little about their gender that they're mostly concerned about biological consequences rather than gender identity seems offensive to you? Are you one of those nutters who also thinks that a person who doesn't have gender dysphoria can't be agender because they are okay with living in their male/female body?

As someone who's had a close family member refuse to believe that I was trans because they were convinced that I simply 'hated being female' due to x and/or y experiences, that's not it at all. I can just sympathize with someone having their identity invalidated by usually bullshit comments like the one I originally quoted.

[NullFame]

most likely, because she has suffered because of her unusually painful periods, and her family taught her it's normal for women and they have to live with it, so she started to hate being a girl

^Offensive to many DFAB trans people

What, the notion of someone caring so little about their gender that they're mostly concerned about biological consequences rather than gender identity seems offensive to you? Are you one of those nutters who also thinks that a person who doesn't have gender dysphoria can't be agender because they are okay with living in their male/female body?

As someone who's had a close family member refuse to believe that I was trans because they were convinced that I simply 'hated being female' due to x and/or y experiences, that's not it at all. I can just sympathize with someone having their identity invalidated by usually bullshit comments like the one I originally quoted.

I'm not dismissing the fact that she might just be born to be that way.... but the conclusion we came to just seemed totally logical. I did just say she doesn't feel like people accept her... but that still doesn't make the conclusion any less logical. There isn't always just that one answer for why someone hates their gender, as you're thinking.

[Zorc]

most likely, because she has suffered because of her unusually painful periods, and her family taught her it's normal for women and they have to live with it, so she started to hate being a girl

^Offensive to many DFAB trans people

What, the notion of someone caring so little about their gender that they're mostly concerned about biological consequences rather than gender identity seems offensive to you? Are you one of those nutters who also thinks that a person who doesn't have gender dysphoria can't be agender because they are okay with living in their male/female body?

As someone who's had a close family member refuse to believe that I was trans because they were convinced that I simply 'hated being female' due to x and/or y experiences, that's not it at all. I can just sympathize with someone having their identity invalidated by usually bullshit comments like the one I originally quoted.

I'm not dismissing the fact that she might just be born to be that way.... but the conclusion we came to just seemed totally logical. I did just say she doesn't feel like people accept her... but that still doesn't make the conclusion any less logical. There isn't always just that one answer for why someone hates their gender, as you're thinking.

You do realize that's the same kind of logic as 'That gay man is probably just gay and hates women because he has daddy issues!', right...?

[NullFame]

most likely, because she has suffered because of her unusually painful periods, and her family taught her it's normal for women and they have to live with it, so she started to hate being a girl

^Offensive to many DFAB trans people

What, the notion of someone caring so little about their gender that they're mostly concerned about biological consequences rather than gender identity seems offensive to you? Are you one of those nutters who also thinks that a person who doesn't have gender dysphoria can't be agender because they are okay with living in their male/female body?

As someone who's had a close family member refuse to believe that I was trans because they were convinced that I simply 'hated being female' due to x and/or y experiences, that's not it at all. I can just sympathize with someone having their identity invalidated by usually bullshit comments like the one I originally quoted.

I'm not dismissing the fact that she might just be born to be that way.... but the conclusion we came to just seemed totally logical. I did just say she doesn't feel like people accept her... but that still doesn't make the conclusion any less logical. There isn't always just that one answer for why someone hates their gender, as you're thinking.

You do realize that's the same kind of logic as 'That gay man is probably just gay and hates women because he has daddy issues!', right...?

And you think a girl can't hate being a girl because of the things I've said she's gone through?

[Zorc]

most likely, because she has suffered because of her unusually painful periods, and her family taught her it's normal for women and they have to live with it, so she started to hate being a girl

^Offensive to many DFAB trans people

What, the notion of someone caring so little about their gender that they're mostly concerned about biological consequences rather than gender identity seems offensive to you? Are you one of those nutters who also thinks that a person who doesn't have gender dysphoria can't be agender because they are okay with living in their male/female body?

As someone who's had a close family member refuse to believe that I was trans because they were convinced that I simply 'hated being female' due to x and/or y experiences, that's not it at all. I can just sympathize with someone having their identity invalidated by usually bullshit comments like the one I originally quoted.

I'm not dismissing the fact that she might just be born to be that way.... but the conclusion we came to just seemed totally logical. I did just say she doesn't feel like people accept her... but that still doesn't make the conclusion any less logical. There isn't always just that one answer for why someone hates their gender, as you're thinking.

You do realize that's the same kind of logic as 'That gay man is probably just gay and hates women because he has daddy issues!', right...?

And you think a girl can't hate being a girl because of the things I've said she's gone through?

I'm saying that unless they have told you this explicitly as fact, it's rude and offensive to assume.

[NullFame]

most likely, because she has suffered because of her unusually painful periods, and her family taught her it's normal for women and they have to live with it, so she started to hate being a girl

^Offensive to many DFAB trans people

What, the notion of someone caring so little about their gender that they're mostly concerned about biological consequences rather than gender identity seems offensive to you? Are you one of those nutters who also thinks that a person who doesn't have gender dysphoria can't be agender because they are okay with living in their male/female body?

As someone who's had a close family member refuse to believe that I was trans because they were convinced that I simply 'hated being female' due to x and/or y experiences, that's not it at all. I can just sympathize with someone having their identity invalidated by usually bullshit comments like the one I originally quoted.

I'm not dismissing the fact that she might just be born to be that way.... but the conclusion we came to just seemed totally logical. I did just say she doesn't feel like people accept her... but that still doesn't make the conclusion any less logical. There isn't always just that one answer for why someone hates their gender, as you're thinking.

You do realize that's the same kind of logic as 'That gay man is probably just gay and hates women because he has daddy issues!', right...?

And you think a girl can't hate being a girl because of the things I've said she's gone through?

I'm saying that unless they have told you this explicitly as fact, it's rude and offensive to assume.

She's confused herself about it, and that's a possible reason we together have come up with for it. And we're still trying to figure it out. I'm obviously not telling her "that's how it is, and you just have to accept it". Nothing about it is set in stone.

[Sally]

most likely, because she has suffered because of her unusually painful periods, and her family taught her it's normal for women and they have to live with it, so she started to hate being a girl

^Offensive to many DFAB trans people

What, the notion of someone caring so little about their gender that they're mostly concerned about biological consequences rather than gender identity seems offensive to you? Are you one of those nutters who also thinks that a person who doesn't have gender dysphoria can't be agender because they are okay with living in their male/female body?

As someone who's had a close family member refuse to believe that I was trans because they were convinced that I simply 'hated being female' due to x and/or y experiences, that's not it at all. I can just sympathize with someone having their identity invalidated by usually bullshit comments like the one I originally quoted.

I'm not dismissing the fact that she might just be born to be that way.... but the conclusion we came to just seemed totally logical. I did just say she doesn't feel like people accept her... but that still doesn't make the conclusion any less logical. There isn't always just that one answer for why someone hates their gender, as you're thinking.

You do realize that's the same kind of logic as 'That gay man is probably just gay and hates women because he has daddy issues!', right...?

And you think a girl can't hate being a girl because of the things I've said she's gone through?

I'm saying that unless they have told you this explicitly as fact, it's rude and offensive to assume.

The OP came onto AVEN being very open about their feelings and worries. They don't deserve to be verbally attacked for something you read into their posts. That's rude and offensive.

[Feral_Sophisticate]

Let's try to leave accusations of being rude and offensive out of this, folks. OP has asked a legitimate question, and is seeking helpful information. If he's ignorant, it's without malice, so let's not throw the new guy under the bus, ok?

Let's be helpful... after all, that's one of the reasons why this site exists, right?

Feral_Sophisticate, Moderator

[NullFame]

I'm so glad I have her, masturbation literally makes me so depressed, I just can't stop, and it ruins even my few better days, like this one. And the big problem is that I forget what it does to me. It's one great example how sexuality controls people. I start worrying about her asexuality until this moment happens again. Then I forget what caused my depression and start pointlessly worry about it again. And it's hard to explain how bad it is to me.