Help with coming out

[PurplePr1nc3ss]

I'm ace and panro. I'm out to my sister and friends. I told my mom I was ace and she didn't react too well. My sister is bi and came out to them, again they didn't react too well. If you guys could tell whether you came out yet, and if so give me advice please

[Someone Else]

I am not criticizing, but I wonder, why come out at all? In other words, is it an option to just not talk about such a (possibly) private thing? I know I seem to be in a minority, but I've got no reason to tell my friends what I do or don't do with my genitals, in fact... awkward conversation even offering up such info to them. Parents aren't going to burst into your bedroom and shout "AH ha! I just caught you in the act of not having sex!" ;)

[KanoEvey]

Hey there, Purple. I've only just started coming out to folks. I've told my siblings and one friend, and they've all been really supportive. The levels of knowledge differed between each different person; I asked if they had heard of asexuality before, and if they knew what it meant. They all had some idea, and I explained what it really meant and how it applied to myself. My little sister had the least amount of knowledge, but once I explained it to her, she was completely understanding and said it made total sense and she wasn't really all that surprised.

I feel like because there is so little visibility with asexuality, there are a lot of misunderstandings and oftentimes complete ignorance on the subject entirely. I've only told people close to my own age, and I haven't told my parents yet.

Like Someone Else says, you shouldn't feel pressured to come out at all. It's completely your decision, so you should only do what you feel most comfortable with. More importantly, though, is to make sure coming out won't hurt you. Reactions differ a lot. I have been very lucky with the folks I've come out to, but then again, I only live with one of them, and my siblings and I have always been very close and supportive of each other. I don't know how my parents will react, but if they do react poorly, I don't live with them, so I won't be stuck in a harrassing environment if things come to that. Be safe about it, and be comfortable about it. Those are the most important things. If it puts you in a dangerous or even uncomfortable position, maybe consider holding off until you know you have other options so you can have the conversation without having to be stuck with negative consequences.

Again, though, it is completely your decision. Good luck! I'm sorry your mom didn't react well to you trusting her with such personal information about yourself.

[GeoffBrady]

I came out on Facebook. I know that sounds peculiar, but the thing that puts me off coming out in person is that quite often you have to explain what asexuality is, right after you told them you're asexual.

So I made a note on there. I explained everything I wanted to say so that everyone had all the information they needed and pointers for where to go for more information if they wanted it. I received some positive comments almost straight away (which perhaps deterred some negative ones). I also tweaked my security/privacy settings so I could control who could see the note and revealed it to more people over time. However, if you happen to be at school/college/whatever, you might find that word spreads more easily than you'd like. That's the beauty of coming out at 27, I guess…

Anyway, I've pasted my exact note under the spoiler in case it's helpful for anyone.

This may end up being a long a tedious, ramble so I apologise in advance. For those that wish to get the gist of this message without reading ("TL;DR"), here is that message:

I'm asexual.

Pardon?
Asexuality is rather broadly defined in the following way: "An asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction." While some asexuals are absolutely horrified by sex or the sight of flesh, others may still have sex — for example, if they have a sexual partner.

I am in the middle. I'm not repulsed by sex (I think it's quite funny, actually) but it's not something I've ever felt the urge to do. Which leads to the next question…

Are you ok? Is something broken?
I'm ok, thanks. And no, everything works just fine.

So why are you telling me?
I have to tell you that the world is not designed for people like me. Apart from the obvious (having kids without sex is not easy), much of our society is geared towards pairing up. Couples benefit from mutual emotional and financial support (which are certainly not to be underestimated). Adverts use sex to sell (which, to me, don't really work). People ask whether you have a girlfriend/boyfriend and assume that you're upset or embarrassed if the answer is no.

In a sense, I'm telling you because you might be worried about me when you needn't. I'm not doing too badly and I've developed my own style of independence. You don't have to help me 'find someone', because I'm not terribly bothered about relationships. Perhaps one day that will change — if that happens, please let me have a go at doing it myself first…

Isn't this just the status quo? It's not exactly newsworthy, is it?
If you feel like that, then great. As far as I'm concerned, nothing changes. I may have always been this way, so perhaps the only difference is now I've made it a bit official.

But there's a little more to it than just that. Because I don't have any urge to find a partner, I cherish my friendships. I don't have a great many friends, I'd rather keep the ones I have. Telling you my (lack of) sexuality feels like a burden lifted and it's a secret I'm no longer hiding from you.

I also realise that I'm actually rather gloriously weird, and perhaps (or probably?) you had that impression before this revelation. This may (or may not) help you to understand me a little better.

Should I avoid talking about sex? Should I hide my porn stash when you visit?
Nope, just carry on as you were. But please put on some trousers when I visit.

What else should I know?
If you have any questions, feel free to ask. You might like to visit this website: (http://www.asexuality.org/home/family.html) which has some FAQs on asexuality and disclosure (but you will have to imagine me as your child for some of the questions).

Also, I have shared this note with friends only — i.e. no family. Although it doesn't sound like I've had too much of an issue writing this note to you, it has taken about a year of thinking about doing this in order to actually do it. At the moment, I feel relatively comfortable enough telling my friends, but family is another matter…

Oh, and apparently asexuals revel in the fact they like cake more than sex, and so welcome each other with cake. If you feel the need to make a special effort to embrace my asexuality, then, well, CAKE!