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Read loads of explanations of sexual attraction, still don't know whether I've felt this.


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I am male and know I am not attracted to men in any way. However, for women occasionally my eye will lock onto someone and rather than me thinking "She is very attractive, sex with her would be nice", it is more of a "I can see how heterosexual males would think she is attractive and why they would want to have sex with her". It is infuriating to me that I do not know whether I have felt sexual attraction or not. I would be fine either way but it really angers me that I don't know. So confused, help?

Edit: Don't even know what I want from replies in this post, sorry. I guess the real question is whether I am one of the heterosexual males I am thinking of or not and I have no way of telling this as I don't know what sexual attraction feels like and thus whether I have felt it. *Sigh*, very confuzzled.

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Hiya! Welcome to AVEN!

I can't tell you what you are, that is up to you, but I CAN give you my personal opinion and share my own experiences.

My advice to you is to quit focusing on sexual attraction and instead simply ask yourself have you EVER had the DESIRE to have sex with another person? Asexuality can be defined in both terms of attraction and/or desire. Many of us can not tell apart attractions and focusing on that makes things confusing. I spent months grappling with whether I was asexual or not because I couldn't be sure if the attractions I felt were sexual or not.

In the end, I decide that I had NEVER EVER had the desire to have sex with another person ever and that made me asexual. Since then, I have become all the more confident that I made the right decision.

I would suggest, if you still aren't sure, is to just embrace it for a short while and see if it feels right. There is no penalty for being wrong and you can choose another term to identify with later if you were mistaken.

Hope this helps and, again, welcome!

6933079785_d5f852e1d0_b_zpsxm2ffpkr.jpg

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There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction but aren't needed to make it valid. Other than romantic attraction, obviously, they can all be felt platonically, separately and in different combinations.


  • Sexual attraction is the impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with a specific person; to do genital involving things to their body. In sexual people this desire is typically triggered by someone’s presence being sexually arousing.
  • Romantic attraction is an emotion so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to how one is normally with other people). Some people react to it with butterflies in their stomach, dreamy mind set, increased heart rate, limerence, etc., and others don't.
  • Aesthetic attraction is the pull to look at someone because of their looks and or mannerisms. It's different from recognizing good looks/what is aesthetically pleasing.
  • Emotional attraction is the fixation on someone because of their emotions (their optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.
  • Sensual attraction is the urge to have non-genital physical contact. Platonically displaying this above the norm qualifies as a type of queerplatonic relationship (QPR). I would compare it to how many people have the urge to act toward their pets. Though this term is typically applied to other humans. There are 3 forms of sensual attraction; platonic, romantic (which only differ by chaste kissing), and sexual (in the sense that it’s done for sexual arousal, not because it includes sex/genital contact --and it’s still under the asexual umbrella as a kink).
  • Platonic attraction (aka a squish; a play on the romantic word crush) is the strong urge to know or befriend someone.
  • And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition for further clarification)
  • It's also possible to have queerplatonic feelings for someone; to emotionally feel platonic but have the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic/sexual relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, displaying platonic sensual attraction above the norm (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make one’s feelings unromantic), friends with sexual benefits, romantically pleasing someone they platonically love (QP to one and romantic to the other, although it's their decision on what they call the relationship), or any combination of those. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs.
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Thanks so much, this really helped and made lots of sense.

When it comes to ever wanting to have sex with someone, no. I don't think I have. I guess I will identify as asexual then.

Thank you so much again for your response, it really has lifted a lot off of my mind. Cake is delicious, I love the edible purple ribbon. Oh wait... Whoops.

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thekittyhawk

I am male and know I am not attracted to men in any way. However, for women occasionally my eye will lock onto someone and rather than me thinking "She is very attractive, sex with her would be nice", it is more of a "I can see how heterosexual males would think she is attractive and why they would want to have sex with her". It is infuriating to me that I do not know whether I have felt sexual attraction or not. I would be fine either way but it really angers me that I don't know. So confused, help?

Edit: Don't even know what I want from replies in this post, sorry. I guess the real question is whether I am one of the heterosexual males I am thinking of or not and I have no way of telling this as I don't know what sexual attraction feels like and thus whether I have felt it. *Sigh*, very confuzzled.

Well, unless it's just the heteronormativity peeking through, it seems like you have SOME interest in women, even if it's not of a sexual nature. Lots of people say, draw on your past experiences. Have you had sex, and if so, how did that happen? Who was more keen for it? Did the earth move? Did you think about sex a lot?

I'd agree with Lost that you should probably think about whether you really want sex or not. If it is something that appeals to you, then you're probably not asexual.

All I can say is, don't stress about it too much. There's no pressure to have sex or find love right now - give it time. Ponder, don't panic.

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scarletlatitude

Whatever you decide for yourself, know this -- it's normal, it's not something to be ashamed of, and there are a lot of people just like you (especially on AVEN). You be you. :)

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There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction but aren't needed to make it valid. Other than romantic attraction, obviously, they can all be felt platonically, separately and in different combinations.

  • Sexual attraction is the impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with a specific person; to do genital involving things to their body. In sexual people this desire is triggered by someones presence being sexually arousing.
  • Romantic attraction is an emotion so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to how one is normally with other people). Some people react to it with butterflies in their stomach, dreamy mind set, increased heart rate, limerence, etc., and others don't.
  • Aesthetic attraction is the pull to look at someone because of their looks and or mannerisms. It's different from recognizing good looks/what is aesthetically pleasing.
  • Emotional attraction is the fixation on someone because of their emotions (their optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.
  • Sensual attraction is the urge to have non-genital physical contact. Platonically displaying this above the norm qualifies as a type of queerplatonic relationship (QPR). I would compare it to how many people have the urge to act toward their pets. Though this term is typically applied to other humans. There are 3 forms of sensual attraction; platonic, romantic (which only differ by chaste kissing), and sexual (in the sense that its done for sexual arousal, not because it includes sex/genital contact --and its still under the asexual umbrella as a kink).
  • Platonic attraction (aka a squish; a play on the romantic word crush) is the strong urge to know or befriend someone.
  • And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition for further clarification)
  • It's also possible to have queerplatonic feelings for someone; to emotionally feel platonic but have the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic/sexual relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, displaying platonic sensual attraction above the norm (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make ones feelings unromantic), friends with sexual benefits, romantically pleasing someone they platonically love (QP to one and romantic to the other, although it's their decision on what they call the relationship), or any combination of those. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs.[/size]
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  • Sexual attraction is the impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with a specific person; to do genital involving things to their body. In sexual people this desire is triggered by someone’s presence being sexually arousing.

No, only in some cases is it triggered by someone's presence being sexually arousing.

I have stated this repeatedly, every time you say this, but you don't seem to have clicked yet. Can you please stop making false, generalized statements about all sexual people?

They don't all look at certain people, get horny, and desire to have partnered sex with them.. Many sexual people require some form of emotional connection before they desire sex with someone, and other's may just desire partnered sex with someone with no specific target in mind or any particular physical traits. They just want partnered sex with someone, so find someone online or on Craigslist or whatever to have sex with. Some only desire sex once in love with someone. Sexual attraction (as the defining factor for sexual orientation) is that drive to have partnered sexual contact (ie partnered genital stimulation) with another person for one's own and/or mutual sexual pleasure, all other factors (ie who that person is etc) are variable.

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There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction but aren't needed to make it valid. Other than romantic attraction, obviously, they can all be felt platonically, separately and in different combinations.

  • Sexual attraction is the impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with a specific person; to do genital involving things to their body. In sexual people this desire is triggered by someones presence being sexually arousing.
  • Romantic attraction is an emotion so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to how one is normally with other people). Some people react to it with butterflies in their stomach, dreamy mind set, increased heart rate, limerence, etc., and others don't.
  • Aesthetic attraction is the pull to look at someone because of their looks and or mannerisms. It's different from recognizing good looks/what is aesthetically pleasing.
  • Emotional attraction is the fixation on someone because of their emotions (their optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.
  • Sensual attraction is the urge to have non-genital physical contact. Platonically displaying this above the norm qualifies as a type of queerplatonic relationship (QPR). I would compare it to how many people have the urge to act toward their pets. Though this term is typically applied to other humans. There are 3 forms of sensual attraction; platonic, romantic (which only differ by chaste kissing), and sexual (in the sense that its done for sexual arousal, not because it includes sex/genital contact --and its still under the asexual umbrella as a kink).
  • Platonic attraction (aka a squish; a play on the romantic word crush) is the strong urge to know or befriend someone.
  • And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition for further clarification)
  • It's also possible to have queerplatonic feelings for someone; to emotionally feel platonic but have the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic/sexual relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, displaying platonic sensual attraction above the norm (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make ones feelings unromantic), friends with sexual benefits, romantically pleasing someone they platonically love (QP to one and romantic to the other, although it's their decision on what they call the relationship), or any combination of those. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs.[/size]
[/quote
Again Very Well Detailed! Awesome Description!
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There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction but aren't needed to make it valid. Other than romantic attraction, obviously, they can all be felt platonically, separately and in different combinations.

  • Sexual attraction is the impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with a specific person; to do genital involving things to their body. In sexual people this desire is triggered by someone’s presence being sexually arousing.
  • Romantic attraction is an emotion so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to how one is normally with other people). Some people react to it with butterflies in their stomach, dreamy mind set, increased heart rate, limerence, etc., and others don't.
  • Aesthetic attraction is the pull to look at someone because of their looks and or mannerisms. It's different from recognizing good looks/what is aesthetically pleasing.
  • Emotional attraction is the fixation on someone because of their emotions (their optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.
  • Sensual attraction is the urge to have non-genital physical contact. Platonically displaying this above the norm qualifies as a type of queerplatonic relationship (QPR). I would compare it to how many people have the urge to act toward their pets. Though this term is typically applied to other humans. There are 3 forms of sensual attraction; platonic, romantic (which only differ by chaste kissing), and sexual (in the sense that it’s done for sexual arousal, not because it includes sex/genital contact --and it’s still under the asexual umbrella as a kink).
  • Platonic attraction (aka a squish; a play on the romantic word crush) is the strong urge to know or befriend someone.
  • And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition for further clarification)
  • It's also possible to have queerplatonic feelings for someone; to emotionally feel platonic but have the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic/sexual relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, displaying platonic sensual attraction above the norm (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make one’s feelings unromantic), friends with sexual benefits, romantically pleasing someone they platonically love (QP to one and romantic to the other, although it's their decision on what they call the relationship), or any combination of those. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs.[/size]
Again Very Well Detailed! Awesome Description!
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@Panficto

I know people can't speak for everyone so i agree that changing it/putting "typically" would be the best bet. I think amounting it to "some" is a bit much.

Also, yes, some people need a connection and others have sex because they desire it, but those are two different things; just like eating something because you're hungry and eating something because "you can eat" are different. I think with the former you're talking about Demisexuals or people who feel sexual attraction on the first/first few meetings, and under my given definition that would still be completely valid under it; i gave no time period in which it had to be felt, but the latter isn't sexual attraction; it's sex-drive. I understand that sex-drive or prostitutes/people who pay for them would make my first sentence inaccurate if i worded it as "desiring sex" but i didn't, i worded it as "with a specific person". If i never replied to you about you stating this problem before then I'm sorry, i never read it. I would like to fix the error under unaggressive terms please.

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Nevermind.

Edited by Lost247365
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scarletlatitude

Stay on topic. We're trying to help someone out, not get into a label debate.

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Telecaster68

Speaking as an allosexual male - if you're not sure if what you felt was sexual attraction, it wasn't. It's a bit like wondering if you're hungry. There's nothing intellectual or detached about it.

As well as sexual attraction, I've felt aesthetic, romantic, etc. attraction - I know what non-sexual attraction feels like, and it's not easily confused with sexual attraction.

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Ran into an interresting article Yesterday but will need more time and more research on some of the subjects from that article. Last day at work Today and after that off for two weeks so plenty of time. :-)

On the subject. It's probably very simple to define, not if you're ace or not as that's up to you to find out.

Have you ever experienced sexual attraction?

If you did you would have a memory of the event, a pointer that will help you recognize when that same event, sexual attraction, happens again. That's how we actually work. Something happens, that event get stored in our memory and this helps us to recognize it again. This is true for objects (apples, cars, trains,...), colors, emotions, feelings and so on and so on.

We recognize fear because we did experienced it in the past. We recognize aesthetic attraction because we did experienced it in the past.

If you've no clue, no idea, what sexual attrcation actually is or mean it's probably because you haven't experienced it yet. But only you can tell of course.. For me I can say at 46 Years old that I've never experienced it.

Hope this helps a bit

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Speaking as an allosexual male - if you're not sure if what you felt was sexual attraction, it wasn't. It's a bit like wondering if you're hungry. There's nothing intellectual or detached about it.

As well as sexual attraction, I've felt aesthetic, romantic, etc. attraction - I know what non-sexual attraction feels like, and it's not easily confused with sexual attraction.

Thanks. It's good to have some inout from the allo crowd because I'm still so darn clueless about all this! ^_^

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