The Tangential on asexuality (2014) and The Debrief on demisexuality (2015)

[ithaca]

Looks like these two might have gone unnoticed until now! Thanks michaeld for finding the Debrief one!

http://thetangential.com/2014/11/22/ten-things-you-should-know-about-asexuals/

TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ASEXUALS

NOVEMBER 22, 2014

AMINA HARPER

I am asexual. [/size]This isnt me coming out of the closet, by the waymost of the people who know me already know thisand if you didnt, Im sorry that you have to find out this way, but you have to admit this is a pretty cool way to find out, huh?

I dont expect people to understand what this is like, but then again there isnt much visibility or widely accessible first person accounts of the asexual experience. After reading this article from Rookie Magazine I felt so at peace and so confident to contribute and continue the dialogue about asexuality. Chances are, if youre reading this, you perhaps are or know someone who is asexual, or maybe you just want to read more about itor you were bored and ran out of things to read on Buzzfeed. Regardless, this is a list I compiled of the 10 things you should know about asexuals.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a sex educator, but I play one on TV.

1. Being asexual does NOT mean that you hate sex.

Its true we dont have it very often, if at all; but being okay with your own sexuality means that youre usually pretty okay with everyone elses. It doesnt make me uncomfortable to here about the amazing hookup you had last night, and Im truly happy that you had a great time. I would be even happier if you could appreciate that I spent last night hooking up with a Netflix marathon of Murder, She Wrote and a big bag of chocolate-covered pretzels and had just as much fun. Im not jealous or bitter that you had sexy timeI want you to have all the orgasms you can handle as long as you are safe and everything is consensual. And if were friends I want you to tell me everything, including what you had for dessert.[/size]

2. Being asexual is NOT the same as being abstinent, celibate, or experiencing a dry spell.

I once had a friend who referred to herself as asexual on a thoughtless whim because she wasnt currently having sex with her partner at the time as their relationship had hit a rough patch. I was on the cusp of coming out but hadnt really used the label yet, and without really thinking about it I jumped to the defense of asexuality because it was clear she didnt understand what the term meant. See, I dont have sex, not because I cant or am opposed to the idea of sex, but because my biological drive to have it isnt very high. I feel this every single day in the body that I live in. Its not the same as choosing not to engage sexually with others and it isnt the same as experiencing a rift within a relationship that create a lull in intimacy.[/size]

3. I am NOT saving myself for marriage.

This practice is usually, but not exclusively, associated with a religious belief of some kind. Both my parents were raised Catholic, but they decided not to raise me with any religious background at allIve only set foot in a church under the pretense of worship twice in my 26 years on earth. Nothing against people who make that choice if its what they want. If sex was what I wanted, Id be doing it right now probably.[/size]

4. My lack of interest in having sex has nothing to do with having been molested or sexually assaulted.

This assumption is the most offensive no matter who its being aimed at; people used to assume this about gays and lesbians for God knows how long (and Im sure some idiots still do). In fact, it doesnt matter if youre straight or queer, or if you have lots of sex or a little; someone will always assume that something is wrong with you based on your sexual history. Its where our cultures discomfort with sexuality comes from in the first place. Also, jokes that imply that a persons sexuality makes that person damaged or broken are not funny jokes; if you think they are, then youre an asshole. Sexual assault isnt funny and peoples sexuality should be a source of joy, not of ridicule.[/size]

5. Despite not engaging in sexual intercourse, I do participate in sexuality.

I love talking about sex and telling sex jokes and sex stories (yes, I do have them), making sexy art, and having positive sexual experiences and conversations, because, and this might be hard to believe, you dont have to be in the act of having sex to be experiencing sex. Learning about sex in all of its diverse and exciting forms doesnt make me feel like Im missing out; it gives me confidence to be upfront about who I am and to be mindful and nonjudgmental of others.[/size]

6. Just because someone is asexual doesnt mean that they dont build relationships or understand love.

Im not very romantic, at least not in the traditional sense. Americans have a really hard time separating love and sex and accepting the fact that you can have all kinds of relationships without wondering whether or not someone is the one. Romance doesnt always equal sex, sex doesnt always equal romance. And romance plus sex dont always equal love. Romance is comprised of a series of gesture that are meant to express love, but you dont need to be in love with someone to do something over the top and thoughtful for them. Asexuals experience love, get married, maintain long-term partnerships and friendships, and dont necessarily die alone; I dont need anyone to stand on top of a mountain and proclaim their undying love for me. But if you insist on expressing emotional feelings for me just get me a Michaels gift card.[/size]

7. Asexuals are not sad.

So please dont try to set me up with your brother, or your friend from college, or the weird guy who works at the co-op who you think is interesting because his hair does a thing you cant describe and smells like hummus. I know that my lack of interest in finding a long term partner makes you uncomfortable sometimes, but dont project those insecurities onto me. Im not unhappy about it, so why should you be? Why would I be sad about not doing something I dont want to do in the first place?[/size]

8. Asexuals definitely get crushes.

Just because I dont want to have sex with you doesnt mean I dont think youre special. I often joke that I have crushes on all of my friends, but Im not entirely joking. I love how they make me laugh and bring warmth and beauty into my life. I have one friend whos just a ray of pink-haired sunshine everywhere she goes and it brightens up my grumpy existence every time we hang out. Im not turned on by any of these people, but Im more than happy to hold their hands when we walk down the street together. And they can have all the free hugs they want.[/size]

9. Asexuals definitely get aroused.

Just because I dont want to have sex with anyone doesnt mean I dont have a constantly revolving Rolodex of sexual fantasies like everyone else (its cool, my mom will never read this). Im well aware that this sounds contradictory, but culture defines our sexuality in terms of who we want to have sex with; this is what is different about the asexual. Our sexuality is defined by the fact that we dont have many urges to have sex with anyone. When Ive been in sexual situations with others I honestly find it comical because I dont see myself as sexy in relation to someone else. Thats not to say that I dont feel sexy on my own *wink wink*, but add another person into the mix and suddenly I feel like Im not there; like Im not myself anymore. When its just me I feel like Im already expressing my truest self; a self that cant be realized by being with someone else.[/size]

10. There are more asexuals out there than you realize.

Just like every other orientation in the rainbow, asexuality is common and all around you. The reason why you dont hear us shouting our pride and self-acceptance for all the world to hear is because we dont see other asexuals doing it. Its hard to be what you cant see, and because of this its easy to be invisible.[/size]

If youve read all the way through this list and you still dont understand, thats okay. When I posted about this on Facebook a few weeks ago one of my friends made an incredibly unexpected and pleasing comment. [/size]She said, Im not gonna lie, I dont get it. I understand the concept, its just the feelings behind it that I dont get. That being said, I dont have to get it as long as Im not a douche about it.

There you go; that says it all right there.[/size]

Amina Harper[/size]

http://www.thedebrief.co.uk/sex/sex-tips/are-you-demisexual-20150335718

ARE YOU DEMISEXUAL?

Gareth May | Contributing Writer | Tuesday, 3 March 2015

THE DEBRIEF: DEMISEXUALS ONLY FANCY PEOPLE ONCE THEY'VE FORMED A CLOSE EMOTIONAL BOND. IMAGINE HOW BORING THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR COMMUTE...

Can you imagine what it feels like never to crush? Never to look across a crowded room at a stranger and melt quicker than a snow cone in Tennessee? Never to go all gooey-eyed and jelly-legged at the sight of someone youve never met before, someone new and exciting, someone who makes you hornier and hotter than a crash of rhinos in a nuclear explosion?

Sure, you might feel those things in time. Down the road, once youve talked, digested each others life stories and bonded, dated over weeks, maybe months even; you might start to get that tingle in the belly, that firework display in the pant-region. Ignited by emotional connection, the cogs of lust might start turning. Slowly.

But before all that, the idea of kissing them there, rubbing them here the notion of hopping aboard for a ride on the sausage wagon or eating a bowl full of groin is all just a little bit eww.

Welcome to the world of the demisexual a sexual orientation in which one is sexually attracted only towards people with whom they have a close emotional bond.

A rare term to most, demisexuality is considered part of the asexual spectrum, as demisexuals tend to be sexually attracted to only a handful of people, and most, but not all, have little to no interest in sex.

'Very basically, asexuality is when someone doesn't feel sexual attraction, and demisexuality is when they only feel sexual attraction after forming a close emotional bond,' Divya, a 24-year-old woman from Philadelphia in Pennsylvania, tells me via email. 'One doesn't feel sexual attraction and the other does.'

It was this distinction, this penumbra of asexuality if you will, that led Divya to discover demisexuality.

'The first time I started to realize something was off was when my friend and I would attend parties in college in search of attractive potential hook ups. She always found people. But I ended up incredibly frustrated when I found absolutely no one sexually attractive,' Divya says.

'It got to the point where I started wondering what the deal was because we went to so many parties and I thought I would have found someone, but I never did. I saw people who had cute faces, but the thought of doing something sexual with them was gross.'

Eventually Divya hooked up with a couple of people but the ensuing heavy petting was just weird probably due to the fact that she didn't actually find them attractive. 'I just thought that was how it was for everyone: you're single, you want to have sex, and you just grit your teeth and do it with a rando,' she adds.

It was during this time that Divya stumbled upon the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) an online forum for asexuals and it was here she discovered the orientation demisexuality, a term first used on the site back in2006.

'I had always thought I was just a quirky but average heterosexual, so when I found that what I previously thought was a personal quirk was an actual sexuality, I was pretty amazed,' Divya says, adding she didnt feel that asexuality fit because she liked sex and most asexuals dont. Demisexuality on the other hand fit that 'perfect middle ground where I felt almost asexual but not quite.'

The dominoes started to tumble and Divya began to understand her sexuality for the first time in her life recognizing that all those hook ups shed witnessed her mates get hot under the collar for werent the hell zone she believed them to be. Shed had an epiphany: People are actually attracted to the people they pick up at the bar!

'It was strange to realize that most people don't function the way I thought they did. I would have loved to be able to find people sexually attractive at all those parties, but no matter how hard I tried, it just didn't happen. I have only found three people sexually attractive in my life,' she says. 'I asked my friends how many people they find sexually attractive on a daily basis and realized that I really was different. It was a revelation.'

So how does sex work for a demisexual? Findings from the 2014 AVEN Community Census found that one third of demisexuals enjoy sex, another third are sex repulsed and another indifferent. Divya considers herself in that first third.

'There is a huge variety of attitudes towards sex among demisexuals,' Divya explains. 'I personally don't see a difference between how I experience/think about sex and how most other people do. I like sex. I have a pretty average libido for my age. However, while I would like to have sex eventually, it doesn't appeal to me until a few months into the relationship.'

She adds that she built a friendship first with her current boyfriend (who she met on OKCupid) before they were emotionally engaged and, even then, he gave her time to develop what she calls 'sufficient emotional intimacy.'

Wishing to educate others in her position, Divya has since set upDemisexuality.org. An online forum for any one with unanswered questions about their sexuality. She regularly receives emails from people including those over the age of 40 who are 'amazed to finally discover their true sexuality.'

Divya is part of a growing online community of demisexuals; from Redditors toYouTubers to bloggers, demisexuals are finding a place to be listened and to have their voice heard.

Even so, they are still met with much opposition. In fact, before Divya agreed to be interviewed she asked me about the angle of the article: Will it be positive or negative in slant? A lot of people do not believe that demisexuality is even a real thing... She was also keen to point out that she is South Asian so that people know that South Asian demisexuals exist.

It doesnt take much to discover the anti-demisexual advocates. The top rated comment on this video explaining demisexuality reads as follows:

Okay, we are REALLY getting a bit carried away with these labels. Demi-Sexual? Are you fucking kidding me? Some people just don't get sexually aroused until they actually have some sort of connection with someone. Nothing bad with that at all. It's not something that requires a new label, but if it did, you should call it "Having Standards"

Divya says this is a common reaction when attempting to explain demisexuality. 'People don't understand how fundamentally different demisexuality is from simply waiting for feelings to appear before wanting to have sex,' she says. 'Those latter people will feel sexual attraction initially, but will choose to wait to act on it because they want to reserve the act of sex for people they love. Demisexuals don't feel sexual attraction initially at all, and there is no choice involved.'

She also says some people just want to 'invalidate' demisexuality as a 'unique phenomenon.' Some just say its normal failing to make an effort to understand why it is different. Others, 'throw up their hands and say "youngsters these days! Why do they need so many labels?"'. And others just say, 'It's a preference, not an orientation.'

She says such views are dangerous. 'These people don't realize that labels help people feel less alone and less broken. Demisexuals generally don't claim to be oppressed, and they have little interest in "invading" queer spaces unless they are also trans or experiencing same gender attraction.'

The truth, Divya says, is that many demisexuals feel alone and afraid before discovering that there are others like them. Under pressure from their peers in those formative years spent sniffing out shag partners it must be pretty difficult being the one who always goes home alone. But as Divya bluntly puts it, the plight of a demisexual isnt a choice: 'I don't prefer people I am emotionally connected to; I am literally unable to feel sexually attracted to anyone else.'