Advice on when to wear a black ring?

[deltaX]

I'm just now realizing that at the beginning of the fall semester I'll have a bit of a conundrum. For a little over a year now, I've been wearing a black ring most of the time when I leave the house. Wearing a black ring helps me feel connected to the ace community and reminds me that it's okay to be who I am. Despite being just a ring, its symbolism gives me a lot of confidence and I do feel a lot better when wearing it.

The thing is though, I don't like to wear it when I'm at home or around my family. I don't feel like I should be wearing my ring around people I'm not comfortable coming out to because, although it's only happened once, there's a chance anyone who sees it might ask about it. I know most people don't know the symbolism, but still, it makes me nervous. Currently I only wear my ring in places like school and when out with friends, because in those groups, I'd feel okay coming out to essentially anyone who asked.

Now my younger brother is about to start college in the fall, at the same school I'm at. My family world and my school world are about to collide, and I don't know what to do about it. I really want to continue wearing my ring to school, because at this point I feel weird going onto campus without it. But then I'll be seeing a lot of my brother, and since I usually don't wear jewelry , I'm sure he'll notice me wearing a black ring all the time (especially if I always make a point to take it off when my family is around). Furthermore, if my brother becomes friends with my college friends (very likely since we're going to be in the same major and a lot of the same clubs), I don't know if I'd even feel comfortable coming out at college anymore.

It seems silly to give up something I enjoy doing just for one person, but I really don't feel comfortable coming out to my family right now and I'm worried. I hate that my family is so conservative, because I don't know how they'd take any of this, and I have to constantly keep myself in the closet around them. I don't think this problem really has a solution, but if anyone has any thoughts or advice that would be appreciated.

[Lia]

Moved from Asexual Q&A to Asexual Musings and Rantings

Lia

Asexual Q&A Co-Moderator

[scarletlatitude]

I wear mine all the time. I don't think my family has a clue. (Well... my older sister might, as she works in psychology and sees people of different orientations all the time... but I know at least she would talk to me privately if she wanted to know.) However, I kind of want to be noticed. I want someone to see the ring and say "hey are you an ace?".

Is your brother a clingy person, or is he more likely to do his own thing? I wouldn't worry about it too much. If it were me and my younger sister, the two of us would never collide because we are polar opposites. Is he a nosy person? Would he keep bugging you until he found out why you wear it, or would he just leave you alone? You could always say "I just like to wear this ring, okay?"

[CMV]

I wear mine all the time.I think you should keep wearing it since you

enjoy wearing it.And if someone ask, just be honest with them.

[AveSatanas]

Yeah, wear it and lie about it is my advice. I wear symbols of Satanism everywhere because I need the courage to overcome social anxiety, and so far only one person has even tried to guess what my pendant means. Little white lies about a black ring never hurt anything.

[deltaX]

I would say in general my brother is mot a clingy person, but I know he will be especially close to me for a while because he is nervous about starting college. Computer science is not very big at my school, so we are bound to run into each other all the time and be together a lot anyway.

Part of me wants to keep wearing it and not give the whole truth if he asks, but somehow that feels dishonest. I'm a terrible liar and I don't know if I'd even be able to pull that off. The chance that he's continue asking is slim, but I really don't know.

[rage.against.the.violas]

I agree that a little white lie about your ring won't hurt. However, sometimes people will say stuff like 'awwww. who are you promised to" as if your black ring is a promise ring. I haven't told my family about being ace, so they just assume that it's just some jewelry that I wear because I don't like necklaces. you do you boo. lolz jk. Just feel comfortable wearing it whenever.

[IAmNoBird]

I've worn an ace ring pretty much 24/7 for about six months, and no one has noticed or commented on it, let alone known what it means. Granted I haven't worn it on a college campus where more people might be aware of asexuality, but even so, it's not a hugely well-known symbol. You might not have anything to worry about, and if you do get questioned about it you could always just say you like the ring and leave it at that. You're under no obligation to come out if you don't want to.

[DreadfulBetty]

You could say Im a swinger lol that would be enough to get my family to stop asking questions.

Though Id just wear it and if asked say that I just like the ring. If they google it perhaps they will learn something before they talk to you next. There are far worse things to be in this world than ace.

[Maalie]

I'd do what ever your comfortable doing? Does seem a shame to not wear it though especially as you enjoy wearing it. I'm waiting for mine to arrive and I'll be wearing it everywhere.

I mentioned it to my psychotherapist today and she is young .... didn't have a clue. So not everyone will know about it or even ask (and she sees people of all orientations)

As has already been said there are worse things to be than ace. :) You know you have us all for support what ever you decide to do :cake:

[Skycaptain]

deltaX, just say it's a piece of jewellery you like.

[UncommonNonsense]

Hell, I have an Ace flag and an 'Ace of Spades' bumper sticker on my car, an ace flag pin that I even wear on my work uniform (security guard), and my black ring. No one has ever seemed to even notice.

The only person who has ever asked about any of them was my mother, who snagged my uniform to do me a favour by washing it for me when I came home after an especially hot, sticky 12 hour shift. I hadn't even expected her to do that (I'm usually the laundry person for both of us in our household) so I hadn't taken my nametag pin or my Ace pin off my uniform shirt yet, and she asked me later what it meant. She knows I'm Ace.. I've been out for years, so it was a non-issue, even though Mum is very conservative and believes that one's sexual orientation should be a totally private thing, never hinted at or spoken of outside of close family/friends/romantic partners. Though Mum isn't fond of the fact that I wear the pin at work, she's didn't make a big hairy deal of it. My workplace allows quite a lot of leeway in regards pins, tieclips, etc, as long as they're small and don't get in the way of essential equipment.

That said, you know that it's only to be other Aces who pick up on your black ring being a symbol. To your brother and everyone else, it's just a cool, funky looking piece of jewellery. My advice here? You're setting the ring up to be questioned by taking it off and hiding it at home. Wear it openly. Your family won't have a clue. If they ask, say that you saw it in a shop and really liked it, or your dorm-mate (or close school friend) gave it to you at the end of the school year and you wear it because it reminds you of that friendship. By removing it and and hiding it at home and wearing it openly at school, you're setting it up to be noticed and questioned. People notice things that change. And by doing one thing at home and the other at school, your brother is more likely to assume that this is something you are hiding from your rigid parents for a reason. Depending on your relationship, this could put you in a bad place.. he might blurt it out meaning no harm and not realizing how catastrophic it could be for you.. or much worse, intentionally out you to get his own way over something at home. Or he may keep your secret resolutely. Or never even notice. Either way, this is something you can totally avoid by wearing it openly at home too. I guarantee that you won't get anything more than "Hey, where'd you get that neat ring? Did your friend give it to you?" from your folks.

And you know what? Your brother might be chafing under your parents' rigid conservatism just like you and may be hoping to open up about his own areas of variation from their narrow definition of 'normal' once he gets to school himself! I really doubt he's going to be spying to your folks and telling them about every Sunday morning you skip church or every time you watch a movie that isn't PG. He'll have his own stuff to be doing, and a lot of that will be discovering a world beyond your parents narrow social norms.

[Dodecahedron314]

I'd agree with UncommonNonsense--I highly doubt, especially if your parents are really conservative, that they'll know what your ring means if you don't specifically tell them, so especially if it's a discreet plain black ring, it shouldn't do any harm to wear it around them, and if asked, there's no harm in making up a story about its origin or just saying that it's something you like. I originally hid mine around my family because it was a bit more conspicuous (it was the one in my avatar), and it took me a while to even feel comfortable wearing it with the spade facing out around other people, but I never really had anything to worry about because nobody ever figured it out (not even the other ace I ran into at my college summer program), and the only time they ever commented on it was asking where I got it (because it was handmade and pretty cool, if I do say so myself) or what was on it (because V1.0 kind of had a wonky design that didn't really look like a spade from some angles, I fixed that in V1.5). That one broke and now I just have a plain black one that I got at a street fair for cheap because I didn't have the materials to fix it at the time, and now nobody even bothers to ask about it at all. I think this is one of those cases where it seems like every little thing you do differently will be immediately noticed by everyone, but in reality it won't because everyone else is too worried about all the little things they're doing and hoping nobody notices. (I'm pretty sure there's some sort of psychological name for that, but it's slipped my mind for the moment.)

[Darkthrone]

I know a female who wears a ring on her ring finger. It also doesn't look like a traditional ring that would be for engagement or anything, it's something her father gave her and it fits best on her ring finger. Maybe start wearing jewelry at home once in a while so you can use the "it's just jewelry" excuse.

[thekittyhawk]

The way I see it, if they're aware enough of the community to know about the ring's symbolism, then chances are they're pretty accepting of it too. It's a really obscure thing, and they probably won't even notice, and even if they do they probably won't know what it means.

[tuvok]

The way I see it, if they're aware enough of the community to know about the ring's symbolism, then chances are they're pretty accepting of it too. It's a really obscure thing, and they probably won't even notice, and even if they do they probably won't know what it means.

If they search for "black ring" they will probably get the same thing I do: aven, wikipedia article on black lantern corps, and a lot of stores that sell them.

It is obscure and they might not even know that the color is important enough to make them do the search.

But there is a chance that they will find out even if you do not tell them.

(Side note: green lantern is the comic where the wielder gets super powers by using a power ring and focusing on an emotion. Maybe using the black lantern thing as your white lie is a good thing as their black does not represent an emotion but rather death, and if you explain it right it might get them to back off the topic as well. The only damage would be that your family might think you are a bit nerdy but what uni student is not?)

PS: don't actually try to explain asexuality through the green lantern universe. That will make us seem a lot weirder and I don't think anyone wants to be seen as dead inside.

[Pengwyn]

I know it can feel daunting to wear an ace ring around people you don't want to come out to, but even if people question, it is fairly easy to change the topic or just shrug an answer. I wore mine for a week before I wore it out with my friends, and two of them questioned why I wore it. I just shrugged and changed the topic.

I doubt that your brother or family will know what it means. Also, people don't tend to google "black ring on right middle finger meaning", even if their sibling starts wearing jewellery for no reason.

[TooOldForThis]

I'd recommend that you do whatever is most comfortable, but the fact that none of your options seem comfortable seems to be the problem.

So in lieu of that, I'd say, keep wearing it; if your bro asks about it, you can A. say you like it (which I assume is true) and omit any further info, B. lie and say it's a friendship ring or something (I dunno, why do people wear rings these days?) or C. tell him you'd rather not discuss it. If, as you said, he seems unlikely to keep asking about it, then option C would probably work just fine. Alternatively, you could tell him the truth and ask him not to tell anyone else, but I don't know if he's trustworthy - you'd be a better judge of that. If he is, it could lead to a closer relationship between the two of you. If not, well, I guess you wouldn't want to do it then.

Good luck!

[Butterfly21]

What exactly is an ace ring....and where do I get one..

[deltaX]

Thanks for all the feedback guys! I do think I'm going to keep wearing a black ring during school, and just hope for the best in terms of my brother. I might get a slightly different one if I can, because mine is homemade and kind of obvious, but I think even the homemade one might be okay. Idk, it's a weird situation, but hopefully after a while in school it'll feel less awkward.

What exactly is an ace ring....and where do I get one..

Wearing a black ring on the middle finger of your right hand can be seen as a symbol for asexuality and asexual pride. There isn't on specific type of ace ring- any ring that is black and worn on the proper finger counts :)