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My husband wants to date other women. PLEASE HELP!


ImmortalMuffins

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ImmortalMuffins

Last night, my husband stated that he will start dating other women in two weeks, regardless of my feelings. I have no idea what to do.

It's not even that our marriage is on the rocks, our relationship has been amazing the last few months. It's been better than I ever thought it could be, especially after coming to terms with my asexuality. It's like he's upended my entire universe. He found out about polyamory back in January and has been fascinated with the concept ever since, even admitting to having crushes on our female friends. I've tried so hard to work on my communication, to be more receptive to sex, and to be the best wife I could possible be. Apparently that's not enough.

We're Christians. Or at least I am, I don't know about him anymore. It is both religiously and socially unacceptable to have a polyamorous relationship within our community. Even if that were not the case, I DON'T want to share him. I am very monogamous, I can't stand even the idea of him being with another woman. He's basically telling me that we're at least separating in two weeks, if not full on filing for divorce, despite his constant protestations that he loves me more than anyone else in the world.

I've told him this and his only response was, "If that is your choice." Where is the man I married five years ago? He never would have said that to me!

On top of all that, I have just managed to get my bipolar disorder under control this summer. I just started a new, very stressful job last week (the first job I have ever WANTED to work at and can use my degree) and am finally able to work forty hours a week for the first time in my life. I have never actually WANTED to be alive until the last few months, and I feel like he's just ripped that out of my hands and trampled all over it.

I can't do this.

Someone please help me, I don't know what to do.

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Telecaster68

I'm a sexual husband with a (functionally speaking) asexual wife, so here's my take from the info in your post.

It sounds like there's two elements going on here - your bipolar and what I'm assuming is the absence of sex in your marriage. It must hurt that he's not being supportive with your bipolar, and working with you on that. That sucks.

Assuming there is a lack of sex - is this behind him announcing he wants to date other women? Have you to talked about it before? Has it been a problem for you as a couple, historically? Have you tried to work on it as a couple? You write as though it's come out of left field. I'm assuming at since you're posting here, you identify as an asexual, so I'm wondering if and how it's come up before.

Most importantly, I'm guessing you have someone to talk to about your bipolar. Could you talk to whoever that is about this too?

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Sorry to be harsh, but he doesn't care one bit about you. That much is clear from just your first sentence. If he did care about you, he wouldn't do anything "regardless of your feelings" and not decide something so fundamentally relationship-changing without your consent or even your input.

I have no idea why he says he loves you when he clearly gives no shit about you and even outright said you're separating. That's the most blatant lie I've heard in while.

This may sound horrible and terryfing, but it looks like the best thing to do is to end this as soon as possible. I've been through something like that. If I had allowed it to continue any longer, I wouldn't be alive today (and even then, it had a lot of very negative impacts on my life that continue to this day and that I can't do anything about). It felt like ripping my heart out at the time, but ultimately it was for the better.

Really sorry I can't say anything more hopeful, but this has shaken me quite badly. Have a hug. ><

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Sorry to be harsh, but he doesn't care one bit about you. That much is clear from just your first sentence. If he did care about you, he wouldn't do anything "regardless of your feelings" and not decide something so fundamentally relationship-changing without your consent or even your input.

I have no idea why he says he loves you when he clearly gives no shit about you and even outright said you're separating. That's the most blatant lie I've heard in while.

This may sound horrible and terryfing, but it looks like the best thing to do is to end this as soon as possible. I've been through something like that. If I had allowed it to continue any longer, I wouldn't be alive today (and even then, it had a lot of very negative impacts on my life that continue to this day and that I can't do anything about). It felt like ripping my heart out at the time, but ultimately it was for the better.

Really sorry I can't say anything more hopeful, but this has shaken me quite badly. Have a hug. ><

I agree with Sisky. If he really cared he wouldn't do this to you. He'd at least want to talk to you and work out things. This just shows he doesn't give a damn what you think or feel

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Chikane-Chan

Dont have much to add to whats already been said, but i feel the same as Amy and Sisky on this topic.

I might just add that if he is Poly and your Mono it does make things even more complicated as its not really something you can "compromise" around.

Sorry I cant really give good news...but my comments may be slightly biased.

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Tell him for one thing if you haven't already. If not, if this truly is a deal breaker, you need to tell him. Poly based relationships are totally ok, if ALL parties know everything and EVERYONE is consenting with a sane/state of mind with NO coercion involved. It might also be possible to try to seek out some couples counseling to see if there's any miscommunication going on between the two of you.

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Hmm. Asexual/sexual mixed relationship is tough. Poly is another of those things you are into or you aren't. If he discovered it and discovered he's poly, then that's another mix relationship issue. And one that is VERY hard to work with, since ... well, there really isn't a "you can sorta be mono or you can sorta be poly", not much compromise to have.

It sounds like he needs to explore this part of himself. Just like someone who discovers they are bi might need to explore being with someone of the same gender after exclusively being in hetero relationships. So, I wouldn't say he doesn't care about you. But, I would imagine it's something one needs to experience if they feel very strongly about it.

Of course... if you're mono, that's not gonna work, really. I am as well and it would be a deal breaker for me. Sounds like the figuring out his poly side is worth the losing the marriage to him though.

This situation sucks. But, I don't think there is much you can do about it. He at least gave you notice so you can make the decision, rather than going behind your back. Small comfort, but at least you know. Now it's just what you want to do with that knowledge. If you want to leave, I totally understand. I couldn't be with someone who was poly, either.

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ImmortalMuffins

I'm a sexual husband with a (functionally speaking) asexual wife, so here's my take from the info in your post.

It sounds like there's two elements going on here - your bipolar and what I'm assuming is the absence of sex in your marriage. It must hurt that he's not being supportive with your bipolar, and working with you on that. That sucks.

Assuming there is a lack of sex - is this behind him announcing he wants to date other women? Have you to talked about it before? Has it been a problem for you as a couple, historically? Have you tried to work on it as a couple? You write as though it's come out of left field. I'm assuming at since you're posting here, you identify as an asexual, so I'm wondering if and how it's come up before.

Most importantly, I'm guessing you have someone to talk to about your bipolar. Could you talk to whoever that is about this too?

The thing is, there's more sex in our marriage then there has ever been before. We've worked on systems and rules to where we both try to meet his need for sex and my lack of desire. It's been working really well, and our relationship has been the best it's ever been recently. So yeah, this really came out of left field.

He's actually been really supportive since my diagnosis (I have a psychiatrist and have been on medication for several months), and he's worked on ways to avoid my rage triggers and how to treat me when I become a depressive slug. I just don't know what he's thinking, this isn't like him at all.

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ImmortalMuffins

Sorry to be harsh, but he doesn't care one bit about you. That much is clear from just your first sentence. If he did care about you, he wouldn't do anything "regardless of your feelings" and not decide something so fundamentally relationship-changing without your consent or even your input.

I have no idea why he says he loves you when he clearly gives no shit about you and even outright said you're separating. That's the most blatant lie I've heard in while.

This may sound horrible and terryfing, but it looks like the best thing to do is to end this as soon as possible. I've been through something like that. If I had allowed it to continue any longer, I wouldn't be alive today (and even then, it had a lot of very negative impacts on my life that continue to this day and that I can't do anything about). It felt like ripping my heart out at the time, but ultimately it was for the better.

Really sorry I can't say anything more hopeful, but this has shaken me quite badly. Have a hug. ><

Thanks for the input. I'm trying to get him to talk to someone at our church and he's agreed to marriage counseling, but he hasn't officially renounced the two week deadline. If he doesn't, then I'm definitely moving out in two weeks. This isn't something I can be a part of, I know it will tear me apart. Thanks for the hug and advice.

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ImmortalMuffins

Sorry to be harsh, but he doesn't care one bit about you. That much is clear from just your first sentence. If he did care about you, he wouldn't do anything "regardless of your feelings" and not decide something so fundamentally relationship-changing without your consent or even your input.

I have no idea why he says he loves you when he clearly gives no shit about you and even outright said you're separating. That's the most blatant lie I've heard in while.

This may sound horrible and terryfing, but it looks like the best thing to do is to end this as soon as possible. I've been through something like that. If I had allowed it to continue any longer, I wouldn't be alive today (and even then, it had a lot of very negative impacts on my life that continue to this day and that I can't do anything about). It felt like ripping my heart out at the time, but ultimately it was for the better.

Really sorry I can't say anything more hopeful, but this has shaken me quite badly. Have a hug. ><

I agree with Sisky. If he really cared he wouldn't do this to you. He'd at least want to talk to you and work out things. This just shows he doesn't give a damn what you think or feel

I'm trying not to look at it that way, but I can't fathom any other possibility. I hope marriage counseling can change his mind.

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ImmortalMuffins

Hmm. Asexual/sexual mixed relationship is tough. Poly is another of those things you are into or you aren't. If he discovered it and discovered he's poly, then that's another mix relationship issue. And one that is VERY hard to work with, since ... well, there really isn't a "you can sorta be mono or you can sorta be poly", not much compromise to have.

It sounds like he needs to explore this part of himself. Just like someone who discovers they are bi might need to explore being with someone of the same gender after exclusively being in hetero relationships. So, I wouldn't say he doesn't care about you. But, I would imagine it's something one needs to experience if they feel very strongly about it.

Of course... if you're mono, that's not gonna work, really. I am as well and it would be a deal breaker for me. Sounds like the figuring out his poly side is worth the losing the marriage to him though.

This situation sucks. But, I don't think there is much you can do about it. He at least gave you notice so you can make the decision, rather than going behind your back. Small comfort, but at least you know. Now it's just what you want to do with that knowledge. If you want to leave, I totally understand. I couldn't be with someone who was poly, either.

Is being poly similar to an orientation? I thought it was more of a life style choice.

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ImmortalMuffins

Tell him for one thing if you haven't already. If not, if this truly is a deal breaker, you need to tell him. Poly based relationships are totally ok, if ALL parties know everything and EVERYONE is consenting with a sane/state of mind with NO coercion involved. It might also be possible to try to seek out some couples counseling to see if there's any miscommunication going on between the two of you.

That's how I feel about it. If everyone involved is supportive and consents to the situation, then whatever. But I can't do that.

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Anime Pancake

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that.

You both got in a relationship where you decided to be with each other. So for him to decide he wants to be with someone else, it seems like he is basically saying that he doesn't care about the relationship that you two are already in.

If someone cares about their relationship, I don't think they would change the relationship completely without talking about it, even though they know that it really bothers the person they are with.

I think that if two people want to make a relationship work, they will work together and try to get through things together as a couple.

If I was in a similar position, I would ask my partner if they care about me, are they willing to work with me so we can continue our relationship, I would point out that we both decided to be in a relationship with each other, not with multiple people. By him deciding to date other people, I wouldn't really be sure if he cares about your current relationship or if he cares how it makes you feel that he is interested in other people.

I think it's fine to like other people, but to act on it and even date someone else is really messed up, if you're already in a monogamous relationship. At least in my opinion.

But yeah, pretty much it's up to you two to decide on your relationship.

That sounds really unfortunate though, I'm sorry that he seems to be interested in other people. One thing that is kind of good is that at least he is being honest about it. It would be worse if he wasn't telling you about it. But still, that's really sad.

Hopefully things will be alright soon!

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Telecaster68

He might well be a schmuck. But, in the absence of any more info from the OP, here's some speculation on how it might look from your husband's side, on the off chance it increases understanding beyond the 'what a bastard' level. I might be wrong, but it's the view from the sexual husband's side.

He married the OP on the back of new relationship horniness, maybe when her bipolar was less of a thing, too, expecting - because it's the statistical norm - that sex would continue through the marriage at some level. The relationship settles, real life impinges, maybe her bipolar becomes more of an issue, and she discovers she no longer wants sex. Fine, he thinks, in sickness and in health, and supports her, Talks are had, but nothing changes, and despite going through all hurt and rejection of her taking sex off the table, he keeps doing it for 5 years, helping her get a job decent job and get her life together. Somewhere in the back of his head is the idea that when she's better, sex will return too, and he'd love that, even though it's not his main motivation. What actually happens is that she discovers her asexuality and sex is forever off the table.

So now he's trying to find ways to solve the sex problem they have - she's said never again, he's dying inside. Amongst the advice on the Internets, there's a lot of 'give her an ultimatum - should a marriage make you this miserable? Bite the bullet'. Not saying it's nice, or right, but there's loads of it out there. Generally it's wrapped up in some self improvement rhetoric and if the nonsexual partner is just lazy, selfish or pissed off, it can work. He buys into into it, and one of the versions is 'I'm not going the rest of my life without sex, I'd like it to be with you, but if you're not up for it, it'll be with someone else'. This sounds something like what might've happened here.

Or not. I'm not judging either way, but let's not all jumping on the 'he's a heartless bastard' train on the basis of not much information. He might just he at the end of his five year tether after supporting a wife with a serious mental illness for five years.

ETA: Major cross-posting... Ignore the bits that don't apply but I hope some of the insight from this side of things might still help. But if you're having more sex and things are generally better I'd veer to the wtf? reaction too.

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Sorry to be harsh, but he doesn't care one bit about you. That much is clear from just your first sentence. If he did care about you, he wouldn't do anything "regardless of your feelings" and not decide something so fundamentally relationship-changing without your consent or even your input.

I have no idea why he says he loves you when he clearly gives no shit about you and even outright said you're separating. That's the most blatant lie I've heard in while.

This may sound horrible and terryfing, but it looks like the best thing to do is to end this as soon as possible. I've been through something like that. If I had allowed it to continue any longer, I wouldn't be alive today (and even then, it had a lot of very negative impacts on my life that continue to this day and that I can't do anything about). It felt like ripping my heart out at the time, but ultimately it was for the better.

Really sorry I can't say anything more hopeful, but this has shaken me quite badly. Have a hug. ><

I agree with Sisky. If he really cared he wouldn't do this to you. He'd at least want to talk to you and work out things. This just shows he doesn't give a damn what you think or feel

I'm trying not to look at it that way, but I can't fathom any other possibility. I hope marriage counseling can change his mind.

It must sound hard, but just from what you said it very much looks like it. People who care at some level would try to talk and figure things out and not just announce it. You do what you can, but don't put your hopes too high. He seems to have made up his mind

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ImmortalMuffins

He might well be a schmuck. But, in the absence of any more info from the OP, here's some speculation on how it might look from your husband's side, on the off chance it increases understanding beyond the 'what a bastard' level. I might be wrong, but it's the view from the sexual husband's side.

He married the OP on the back of new relationship horniness, maybe when her bipolar was less of a thing, too, expecting - because it's the statistical norm - that sex would continue through the marriage at some level. The relationship settles, real life impinges, maybe her bipolar becomes more of an issue, and she discovers she no longer wants sex. Fine, he thinks, in sickness and in health, and supports her, Talks are had, but nothing changes, and despite going through all hurt and rejection of her taking sex off the table, he keeps doing it for 5 years, helping her get a job decent job and get her life together. Somewhere in the back of his head is the idea that when she's better, sex will return too, and he'd love that, even though it's not his main motivation. What actually happens is that she discovers her asexuality and sex is forever off the table.

So now he's trying to find ways to solve the sex problem they have - she's said never again, he's dying inside. Amongst the advice on the Internets, there's a lot of 'give her an ultimatum - should a marriage make you this miserable? Bite the bullet'. Not saying it's nice, or right, but there's loads of it out there. Generally it's wrapped up in some self improvement rhetoric and if the nonsexual partner is just lazy, selfish or pissed off, it can work. He buys into into it, and one of the versions is 'I'm not going the rest of my life without sex, I'd like it to be with you, but if you're not up for it, it'll be with someone else'. This sounds something like what might've happened here.

Or not. I'm not judging either way, but let's not all jumping on the 'he's a heartless bastard' train on the basis of not much information. He might just he at the end of his five year tether after supporting a wife with a serious mental illness for five years.

ETA: Major cross-posting... Ignore the bits that don't apply but I hope some of the insight from this side of things might still help. But if you're having more sex and things are generally better I'd veer to the wtf? reaction too.

Actually, we waited for sex until we got married (after two years of dating), so that didn't play into it at all. We do have a sexual relationship, in fact we are having more sex than ever (the medication I'm on has the side effect of making the experience infinitely more enjoyable). Everything has been great lately, and he feels the same as well. But it's just not enough for him.

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If there is a lack of sex; even if it's met on a middle ground but not everything he wants, then that may explain his personality change. He may also be unsatisfied with no sexual reciprocation; you're acting sexually but not emotionally reciprocating it or he knows you're not. But people also change over time; any partner one gets will change over time, but it really just depends on the dice of fate on how much. Sex releases the strongest amount of oxytocin; the bonding hormone, and some peoples bodies can't release it to that level any other way. So not feeling much of a bond makes people not care. Also, there's a difference between polyamory and an open relationship; one is to fully date who you want and the other is to only have sex with whomever you want. Which one does he mean? And at least this is happening somewhat early into the marriage.

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Telecaster68

What's the frequency, numerically? What would he like it to be? Do you think that'll ever happen?

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I can't add anything that hasn't already been said, as much as I wish I could, but I'm sorry he feels this way and I hope it all works out for you. You haven't done anything wrong here, I hope you know that.

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ImmortalMuffins

What's the frequency, numerically? What would he like it to be? Do you think that'll ever happen?

It's around 1-2 times per week (leaning more towards 2), which I think is pretty average for most married couples, and quality is not lacking on either end. He's never explicitly stated how often he would want to have it, so I don't think that's the full problem.

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Hmm. Asexual/sexual mixed relationship is tough. Poly is another of those things you are into or you aren't. If he discovered it and discovered he's poly, then that's another mix relationship issue. And one that is VERY hard to work with, since ... well, there really isn't a "you can sorta be mono or you can sorta be poly", not much compromise to have.

It sounds like he needs to explore this part of himself. Just like someone who discovers they are bi might need to explore being with someone of the same gender after exclusively being in hetero relationships. So, I wouldn't say he doesn't care about you. But, I would imagine it's something one needs to experience if they feel very strongly about it.

Of course... if you're mono, that's not gonna work, really. I am as well and it would be a deal breaker for me. Sounds like the figuring out his poly side is worth the losing the marriage to him though.

This situation sucks. But, I don't think there is much you can do about it. He at least gave you notice so you can make the decision, rather than going behind your back. Small comfort, but at least you know. Now it's just what you want to do with that knowledge. If you want to leave, I totally understand. I couldn't be with someone who was poly, either.

Is being poly similar to an orientation? I thought it was more of a life style choice.

Many poly people do feel like it's similar to an orientation. They discover it, after years of believing mono is the only option (cause it's the default that is taught) and then can start to feel "off" not being able to explore that side of themselves. Like they are stifling a part of who they are in order to be monogamous. The behavior is a lifestyle choice, much like as asexuals we can choose to ACT sexual even if we don't feel it, or a sexual can choose to be celibate, but the feelings are just natural - you love multiple people (polyamorous) or one person at a time (monoamorous). Whether or not you can be poly and be happy in a mono relationship or be mono and be happy in a poly relationship will vary by people. Much like whether or not an asexual can be happy in a sexual relationship, or a sexual can be happy in a non-sexual relationship varies by people. But, if he just discovered he is poly, wanting to experiment and explore to see if that is truly how he feels isn't that uncommon. It sucks that it's put you into this situation though. :(

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Telecaster68

Muffins

Again from the sexual male POV - sounds average to me too, for whatever that's worth. Personally, the problems for me seem to be when the default is 'no' and one partner closes down sex as an expression of intimacy, like losing one of the languages between a couple, but that's clearly not what's happening here. And given he's been supportive of you for so long, he doesn't sound like he's selfish or immature by default either, which leads me to agree with Serran - there must be something really strong driving him to want to choose poly over you, and that's horrible for you. And he's handling it terribly too. I wish I could be more constructive.

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ImmortalMuffins

Muffins

Again from the sexual male POV - sounds average to me too, for whatever that's worth. Personally, the problems for me seem to be when the default is 'no' and one partner closes down sex as an expression of intimacy, like losing one of the languages between a couple, but that's clearly not what's happening here. And given he's been supportive of you for so long, he doesn't sound like he's selfish or immature by default either, which leads me to agree with Serran - there must be something really strong driving him to want to choose poly over you, and that's horrible for you. And he's handling it terribly too. I wish I could be more constructive.

Thanks, it's nice to get the sexual side of things so I know that it's not just sex in this situation and that he's not going about this in the right way at all.

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ImmortalMuffins

Hmm. Asexual/sexual mixed relationship is tough. Poly is another of those things you are into or you aren't. If he discovered it and discovered he's poly, then that's another mix relationship issue. And one that is VERY hard to work with, since ... well, there really isn't a "you can sorta be mono or you can sorta be poly", not much compromise to have.

It sounds like he needs to explore this part of himself. Just like someone who discovers they are bi might need to explore being with someone of the same gender after exclusively being in hetero relationships. So, I wouldn't say he doesn't care about you. But, I would imagine it's something one needs to experience if they feel very strongly about it.

Of course... if you're mono, that's not gonna work, really. I am as well and it would be a deal breaker for me. Sounds like the figuring out his poly side is worth the losing the marriage to him though.

This situation sucks. But, I don't think there is much you can do about it. He at least gave you notice so you can make the decision, rather than going behind your back. Small comfort, but at least you know. Now it's just what you want to do with that knowledge. If you want to leave, I totally understand. I couldn't be with someone who was poly, either.

Is being poly similar to an orientation? I thought it was more of a life style choice.

Many poly people do feel like it's similar to an orientation. They discover it, after years of believing mono is the only option (cause it's the default that is taught) and then can start to feel "off" not being able to explore that side of themselves. Like they are stifling a part of who they are in order to be monogamous. The behavior is a lifestyle choice, much like as asexuals we can choose to ACT sexual even if we don't feel it, or a sexual can choose to be celibate, but the feelings are just natural - you love multiple people (polyamorous) or one person at a time (monoamorous). Whether or not you can be poly and be happy in a mono relationship or be mono and be happy in a poly relationship will vary by people. Much like whether or not an asexual can be happy in a sexual relationship, or a sexual can be happy in a non-sexual relationship varies by people. But, if he just discovered he is poly, wanting to experiment and explore to see if that is truly how he feels isn't that uncommon. It sucks that it's put you into this situation though. :(

I was really hoping that wasn't the case, but thanks for the explanation.

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What's the frequency, numerically? What would he like it to be? Do you think that'll ever happen?

It's around 1-2 times per week (leaning more towards 2), which I think is pretty average for most married couples, and quality is not lacking on either end. He's never explicitly stated how often he would want to have it, so I don't think that's the full problem.

It's not the full problem. If anything, concern over the frequency of sex can be a reaction trying to alleviate the stress over the broader problem(s) with the sex or relationship. I'd say it's like smokers smoking more frequently under stress, sans the dimension of addiction. I guarantee this runs deep and painful for him.

Edit: It's also likely not a concern of having more sex, but rather the right sex. If you crave chocolate, more apple pie won't help that craving (diabetic coma notwithstanding.)

Considering that your relationship has been better, and that he has been supportive of you, I'd say that this isn't really that much to do with you at all. He's probably figuring himself out, genuinely. There's nothing you really should try to do about this. That would be as wrong as him trying to coerce you into sexuality.

Keep in mind,as well, that nobody ever really handles anything like this very well. You can't really blame him for 'going about this in the wrong way' - if he's discovering something about himself, he probably doesn't even know much about it, yet. Everyone hurts everyone in any relationship, making horrible mistakes and even while making their best intended decisions. People fumble through it, at best. Because, frankly, no one on Earth is really any good at relationships. People are too tricky to get good at. Anything beneath smooth sailing, a relationship feels like a catastrophe.

This hurts, and it may be his fault, but he's not trying to hurt you. If you feel you have to leave, do it for yourself.

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Muffins

Again from the sexual male POV - sounds average to me too, for whatever that's worth. Personally, the problems for me seem to be when the default is 'no' and one partner closes down sex as an expression of intimacy, like losing one of the languages between a couple, but that's clearly not what's happening here. And given he's been supportive of you for so long, he doesn't sound like he's selfish or immature by default either, which leads me to agree with Serran - there must be something really strong driving him to want to choose poly over you, and that's horrible for you. And he's handling it terribly too. I wish I could be more constructive.

So it sounds like his driving force for this is because he already has a strong crush on someone else.

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Muffins

Again from the sexual male POV - sounds average to me too, for whatever that's worth. Personally, the problems for me seem to be when the default is 'no' and one partner closes down sex as an expression of intimacy, like losing one of the languages between a couple, but that's clearly not what's happening here. And given he's been supportive of you for so long, he doesn't sound like he's selfish or immature by default either, which leads me to agree with Serran - there must be something really strong driving him to want to choose poly over you, and that's horrible for you. And he's handling it terribly too. I wish I could be more constructive.

So it sounds like his driving force for this is because he already has a strong crush on someone else.

In which case, he's done the most important and perhaps best thing by coming forward before it went bad.

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Sorry to be harsh, but he doesn't care one bit about you. That much is clear from just your first sentence. If he did care about you, he wouldn't do anything "regardless of your feelings" and not decide something so fundamentally relationship-changing without your consent or even your input.

I have no idea why he says he loves you when he clearly gives no shit about you and even outright said you're separating. That's the most blatant lie I've heard in while.

This may sound horrible and terryfing, but it looks like the best thing to do is to end this as soon as possible. I've been through something like that. If I had allowed it to continue any longer, I wouldn't be alive today (and even then, it had a lot of very negative impacts on my life that continue to this day and that I can't do anything about). It felt like ripping my heart out at the time, but ultimately it was for the better.

Really sorry I can't say anything more hopeful, but this has shaken me quite badly. Have a hug. ><

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This hurts, and it may be his fault, but he's not trying to hurt you. If you feel you have to leave, do it for yourself.

By saying that Muffins's feelings don't matter? That's some amazing dissociation.

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