My husband wants to date other women. PLEASE HELP!

[ImmortalMuffins]

Muffins

Again from the sexual male POV - sounds average to me too, for whatever that's worth. Personally, the problems for me seem to be when the default is 'no' and one partner closes down sex as an expression of intimacy, like losing one of the languages between a couple, but that's clearly not what's happening here. And given he's been supportive of you for so long, he doesn't sound like he's selfish or immature by default either, which leads me to agree with Serran - there must be something really strong driving him to want to choose poly over you, and that's horrible for you. And he's handling it terribly too. I wish I could be more constructive.

So it sounds like his driving force for this is because he already has a strong crush on someone else.

I've asked him that too, but he says there's nobody in particular. I really don't understand.

[Guest]

This hurts, and it may be his fault, but he's not trying to hurt you. If you feel you have to leave, do it for yourself.

By saying that Muffins's feelings don't matter? That's some amazing dissociation.

Has he actually said that though? Or did he just say "I need this for myself. I am going to do it" and Muffin said "This may mean we separate" and he was like "If that is what you feel you need to do"? Yes... if he said "I'm doing this and I don't care how it makes you feel" he's being a jerk. If he just said "I am doing this. I need to" and left it up to her what to do with that information, that's just being honest about your own needs. As much as it may hurt the person you care about. We don't actually know what his words were.

Yes, it sucks. And it hurts. I've had a two year relationship end for about the same reason... my partner at the time confessed his ideal relationship was with more than one person. I wasn't mad at him over it, but, I couldn't stay with him either. There wasn't even a sex issue in that relationship, I didn't know asexuality existed yet and he was inexperienced, so he was actually rather pleased with our sex life as far as he ever told me. One partner just was not enough for him, cause in the end, he was not mono by nature. And there was no one he wanted at that time, he just knew he wanted more than just me.

[Sisky]

Last night, my husband stated that he will start dating other women in two weeks, regardless of my feelings.

The "regardless of my feelings" part may be interpretation. But "I am going to do it" is not what you do in a relationship when you care about the other. You either talk about your needs with your partner and take both side's feelings into account, or you break up and start dating other people after the relationship ends. In any case he's most definitely not "not trying to hurt [Muffins]". He may have legitimate needs that can't be met in the current relationship, but there are ways to not act like an asshole about it.

[Sally]

This is an exceedingly simplistic way to state what I see, but here it is:

He wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants the marriage, he's tried to be supportive, because he loves you. But he's not getting everything he wants, he just learned a way to do that, and so he wants to add sex with other people to the marriage.

If you can't do that, you need to say that very definitely: "I understand what you want, but it's not going to work if we stay together."

[Guest]

Thanks for the input. I'm trying to get him to talk to someone at our church and he's agreed to marriage counseling, but he hasn't officially renounced the two week deadline. If he doesn't, then I'm definitely moving out in two weeks. This isn't something I can be a part of, I know it will tear me apart. Thanks for the hug and advice.

Jesus, seriously there are a whole lot if violent things I want to say right now (regarding your hopefully soon to be ex-husband, not you) but I'm not going to as that won't help the situation.

That's a fucking shit decision you have to make (to leave) but it's by far the best one. I did that for my sexual ex, 'let' him see other women (I didn't really have a choice) despite being extremely monogamous myself (I'm not religious, I just can't handle the idea of sharing the person I love, it hurts too much. Some people are fine with sharing and actually enjoy it - ie poly, some people are happiest having one lover and having that person all to themselves, ie mono. It really is like an orientation - a relationship orientation - it's something inside you that you just can't change) .. So anyway, this was before I knew about asexuality, I gave him sex every day, but I didn't enjoy (or want) it the way other women do, so I blamed myself and figured it was my own fault he needed other people. Let me tell you, that pain, the pain of knowing he was out with someone else, being intimate with them, doing things with them... it hurts like nothing I can describe. It was horrific and I wish I had been strong and smart enough to leave, but I wasn't. I was young, stupid, and thought I was in love.

I think it's absolutely amazing that you are prepared to move out. Yes it will hurt like hell, but you absolutely in no way, shape, or form, deserve that kind of pain. You sound like you have done everything in your power to make this relationship good (ie getting on with life, getting treatment for the bipolar, having sex with him etc, it sounds like you have a great relationship.. well HAD a great one, until he told you he's going to start 'seeing' other people and you can't do anything about it >.< again, I am refraining from resorting to violence) .. The very best thing you can do is leave if he goes ahead with this (and it sounds like he is definitely going to regardless of what you say) .. No mixed relationship can work between a fully poly person and a fully mono person regardless, no matter what compromises are made, without one person being in a lot of pain (that's regardless of whether it's the poly person being forced into monogamy or the mono person being forced to deal with polyamory)

So yeah, good luck with everything. It's utter shit that this has happened to you at this point in your life (though any time would be shit) maybe it's a sign though that there is someone better for you out there.. Someone who will show you even more love, more support, more devotion than your husband ever has, and maybe they'd even be ace too, you never know haha and of course, be as mono as you are (ie ''I want you and only you for life, end of.'')

I really hope things work out for the best, for everyone involved (but for you especially of course)

[KendraPM]

I'm trying to see this from both sides, I really am, but I just do not see a way for you two to stay together. If he's poly and you're mono, it's best for you to separate. As in don't wait two weeks to move out, cut the ties now so you can both heal and move on.

It sounds pretty crappy of him to spring this on you out of nowhere, but part of me wonders if he's not secretly hoping you'll take the decision to divorce off his hands. There was a movie where that happened once (and I've seen my friends go through real life situations similar) where a man knows that if he tells his wife he cheated on her, she'll want a divorce. So he tells her. If he didn't want the marriage to end, he wouldn't have told her, he just didn't want to be the one to end it. This, to me, sounds similar. He knows he can't be with only you, and that you do not want to share, so instead of telling you that he has to leave the marriage for himself, he's instead telling you he's going to be poly and putting it off on you to end the relationship. It's a selfish thing to do, but surprisingly common. I have a friend whose ex told her that he couldn't be with someone who hung up on him. When she wanted out of the relationship, she purposely hung up on him so he'd break up with her. People do that, it's a shitty thing to do, but it happens.

[Batman's Ace]

I'm afraid that I have no advice to offer, but I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I hope the two of you can resolve the situation in a way that is good for both of you. In the meantime, *hugs*

[scarletlatitude]

I think everyone has given great advice already. I've never really been in a relationship and I can't think of anything else to add. I can offer cake:

Good luck to you. I hope it is able to be worked out.

[asas2121]

This hurts, and it may be his fault, but he's not trying to hurt you. If you feel you have to leave, do it for yourself.

By saying that Muffins's feelings don't matter? That's some amazing dissociation.

I didn't take that part of that line, 'regardless of my feelings' to be as literal as him having said that. In the context of everything else she's said about him in other posts, it would be hard to imagine he'd do it quite like that. At the end of the day, I just think this is about two people figuring out they're not compatible.

[ImmortalMuffins]

UPDATE: After much begging, pleading, crying (more than I ever thought I could in my life), and discussion, I've gotten him to agree to take away the two week deadline and to go to marriage counseling. He's going to talk to one of the mentors at our church and says he will join an accountability group. The hardest thing out of the bunch was getting him to agree to take away the two weeks, which is both disturbing and disconcerting. He's apologized for doing this to me in such a terrible way at such a terrible time, and seems more open minded to doing things the traditional way.

I know a lot of you have said that I should leave him, that we're not compatible and that it just won't work. But I simply can't do that, for multiple reasons, chief among them being that I love him and value our marriage too much to do that. As long as he is willing to work on it, then so am I. I will fight for this and I'm not leaving until he cheats on me.

Maybe some of you think that's stupid and that there's no hope in a situation like this, but I guess that's what faith in God is for. So, for those of you who are religious (no matter which faith), please pray for us. We need it.

Thank you to all of you who have responded and given advice, I appreciate your time and support. Hopefully, I won't have to return to this thread in the future.

[Sally]

I'm sorry you had to go through so much emotional trauma to get him to rescind his "deadline". That doesn't say much for his willingness to work this out. I'm a religious type but my faith doesn't pray for miracles. If I did, I'd pray for your emotional welfare.

[Panther Shark]

Poly and mono does work out, but that takes a lot (and I mean a lot) of communication. And no expectations of deadlines. What he is doing is pretty crappy, even if it isn't on purpose.

[MoraDollie]

Muffins

Again from the sexual male POV - sounds average to me too, for whatever that's worth. Personally, the problems for me seem to be when the default is 'no' and one partner closes down sex as an expression of intimacy, like losing one of the languages between a couple, but that's clearly not what's happening here. And given he's been supportive of you for so long, he doesn't sound like he's selfish or immature by default either, which leads me to agree with Serran - there must be something really strong driving him to want to choose poly over you, and that's horrible for you. And he's handling it terribly too. I wish I could be more constructive.

So it sounds like his driving force for this is because he already has a strong crush on someone else.

If this is indeed the case then the hard truth is that he's possibly already packed up his feelings emotionally for you, judging from the other posts. He's already moved on emotionally from you, as tough as it might be to hear/see that.

[AprilStorms]

He sounds extremely controlling and disrespectful of you and your feelings. Someone who does not reach mutual agreement with a partner before making a decision that affects them both, such as opening your relationship, is, at best, thoughtless and, at worst, abusive. In healthy poly, everyone communicates!

What's happening here is not healthy or right, and if he won't listen to reason and show you some respect, it may be best to separate. I'm so sorry that a relationship that used to feel good to you had turned into this mess!

Edited - sorry, I was on mobile!

[GwendolynAngel83]

Ouch, ouch, and triple ouch. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this Muffins. I personally think it's kind of cruel of him to go about things like that. He's poly and your mono, I get that, and unfortunately that means this might not work out for you, but just up and saying he'd be dating other woman in two weeks, period, is just...wrong. If you're in a relationship and you care about the other person that isn't the way to go about things. Communication and compromise is a huge thing in a relationship and it sounds like he rather failed at both. I'm glad you've got him to remove the deadline, but his reluctance to do so, despite your obvious upset at it worries me. Please be careful and take care of yourself.

[Stheno]

The only thing I can think about when I read this was that when there's smoke, there's a fire. What your husband did is controlling, domineering, and abusive. It shows a profound lack of respect for who you are and for your agency as a human being. The fact is that behavior like that doesn't occur in a vacuum.

Right now I can only encourage you to evaluate whether or not this kind of behavior has been a pattern in your relationship and whether you feel safe, honored, and respected on the whole. I think you probably already have some idea what the answer to that question is, as I did long before I was ready to run away from my own abuser.

Regardless of whether you feel ready to leave now and regardless of whether you feel you should leave, I encourage you to seek counselling for yourself. Put yourself in contact with a local women's shelter and ask them for a referral to a therapist who has experience treating wives of controlling husbands.

Just remember that you're not alone and that a LOT of women have been through what you're going through.

[contradiction]

I hope that you have sorted things out and are able to stay off this thread and never see this post...

BUT.

I want you to know that I am SO glad that you shared your feelings and what you're going through.

I am in the same boat.

I have been married for 15 years- and he has finally come to the realization that I'm not going to "get better" so he is (re)visiting the idea of meeting his needs elsewhere.

The thought makes me 100% sick to my stomach.

A lot of people that I know are poly- and so I feel a bit like I am getting pushed into "letting him be happy"- "it's not a big deal"

I WISH I had religion to pin my sense of monogamy on. But I really can't get over the idea of not wanting to share him.

He is being SO supportive- but that hurts too- because I don't want him to have to live his life in a constant state of needing more.

It's affecting every part of our lives, so we are having troubles staying happy outside of sex too.

I am devastated that I can't be everything that he needs.

I am really glad to see that there are other asexuals out there that do care about sex in a relationship being sacred.

[Capslock Cadet]

He sounds very controlling and I just feel... iffy about the whole situation. But if he's at least agreed to stop with this whole "two week deadline" bullshit, I guess that's something. I wish you the best of luck, and just know that we're here if you need any more advice.

[AprilStorms]

I hope that you have sorted things out and are able to stay off this thread and never see this post...

BUT.

I want you to know that I am SO glad that you shared your feelings and what you're going through.

I am in the same boat.

I have been married for 15 years- and he has finally come to the realization that I'm not going to "get better" so he is (re)visiting the idea of meeting his needs elsewhere.

The thought makes me 100% sick to my stomach.

A lot of people that I know are poly- and so I feel a bit like I am getting pushed into "letting him be happy"- "it's not a big deal"

I WISH I had religion to pin my sense of monogamy on. But I really can't get over the idea of not wanting to share him.

He is being SO supportive- but that hurts too- because I don't want him to have to live his life in a constant state of needing more.

It's affecting every part of our lives, so we are having troubles staying happy outside of sex too.

I am devastated that I can't be everything that he needs.

I am really glad to see that there are other asexuals out there that do care about sex in a relationship being sacred.

You don't need a religion to "pin this on." If that's how you feel, that's how you feel. There are women who accept lesbians/bi/pan ladies, and have no religious qualms, but could never personally enter into a relationship with another woman. That doesn't make them bad and they don't need a religious excuse to turn down a woman who asks them out, just a "sorry, but I'm not interested." If poly doesn't work for you, you don't need an excuse to say no, just tell your partner how you feel!