Might be asexual? Feeling lost.

[Alys]

Hi, guys! I'm new here--new to the entire idea of asexuality, really, at least as it relates to me. I literally haven't even consciously thought that I might be asexual until this past weekend, when the idea stared me in the face--and I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. I know that in the end, only I can decide my own sexual identity/expression and find one that feels right for me. Nevertheless, I wanted to share my story and my confusion with you all, if only to get some insight that might help me on my journey of self-discovery. I'm really happy to find a community like this for support! :)

A little about me: I am a 26-year-old female from Virginia, USA, and I've always felt like there was something wrong with me. It's a nagging feeling I've had my whole life: of being on the outside looking in, as though everyone is laughing at an inside joke that I just don't get. I have always felt like it has something to do with being able to connect to people or be creative. It's weird because I'm a well-liked person and I have a lot going for me. I have lots of friends. I have had one romantic, sexual relationship (very long term--7 years!) - as well as some casual sex in recent years, usually while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, both with friends I cared about and with random people. Through it all, there seems to be one thing in common: I have never enjoyed sex! To a certain extent, I enjoy seeing other people enjoy it. I like the feeling of making someone feel good. And I really love being close to people, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, etc. I fucking love people and I feel like relationships are the meaning of life, honestly. But whenever these platonic lovey dovey activities start getting "hot and heavy" and waxing sexual for the other person, I just don't get it. I feel like I'm watching some sort of strange scientific phenomenon happening before my eyes. Sex is so primitive and barbaric and weird to me. The things that people find sexy and the things they like to get off to. It doesn't make any sense. It's interesting to me how other people get so into it, but I just can't get into it WITH them. I've had sex with men and women, and it's just never done it for me. I really like the feelings I get after having sex with someone...the intimacy you feel, how good you feel about yourself, etc. But I just can't seem to get as excited about sex as I wish I could.

I know that a lot of women have low sexual desire, but sexuality just isn't in me at all, it seems. I actually masturbate a lot (I have been masturbating a lot since I was 6!) but it's almost never a sexual thing for me...it just feels good. I don't think about anything sexual when I do it. I don't have any sexual fantasies at all, I don't really feel like I respond to sexual stimuli. I don't know. I definitely HAVE had sexual thoughts and urges before, but they're so rare, especially now that I feel like something is wrong with me. I want to have a normal relationship more than anything else but when it comes down to the sex part, I just freeze. It's gotten worse over time. I feel like I'm pretending and going through the motions of it, so I don't want to because it doesn't feel honest. Part of me thinks it's fear or self-consciousness that has somehow been so ingrained to my brain that I just shut down as a result and can't do it. But either way, it's a strong repulsion. The only time I enjoy sex is when I'm extremely high on alcohol or other drugs. And even then it's not so much enjoyment as it is toleration. I can tolerate it until the other person has gotten off and then I'm happy it's over so we can share the intimacy it creates afterward. :/

This whole thing really stared me in the face over the weekend, to the point where I can't ignore it anymore and I feel like shit. Last week me and the guy I have been wistfully crushing on for a long time had a heart to heart about having feelings for each other...and it felt awesome. We talked, cuddled, and kissed, and I felt magical, like I was on a cloud, for the rest of the week. Then we hung out this weekend and, after I had been drinking all night and had even done a little coke (not something I normally do, but it was there and I had a few lines), we were making out and things got sexual really fast. To my horror I found that lo and behold, after all the time I had spent thinking he was so fantastic and daydreaming about how we would be together, I didn't even want to have sex with him. At all. I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do LESS. Here he was, the guy I had 'liked' for so long, dropped into my lap (and I did think I liked him so much, felt so attracted to his heart/soul...) and I didn't want to do anything with him! It wasn't even that I was nervous or scared. I knew he was into me and I had no reason not to be confident in my response. I was so mortified, but I couldn't go along with it, I just couldn't. So I just had to awkwardly peel him off of me and apologize. Now he still has no idea what's going on...and neither do I.

Part of me thinks maybe I'm just gay (the relationship I was in for seven years was with a woman, and I have always been more physically attracted to women, though I have struggled with low desire with all of my relationships and sexual experiences - lack of wanting to have sex at all, not having any creativity in bed, not having sexual fantasies, etc.). Another part of me thinks I might really be asexual and that I was born that way. Yet another part of me worries that I may have done this to myself, or at least made it worse. I have never really been an addict per se, but I have used various drugs recreationally pretty heavily for the past few years, especially MDMA (which is known to affect various neurotransmitters that also affect sexuality, like serotonin and dopamine).

I'm such a born romantic and I feel so ashamed at what appears to be my lack of sexuality, and not just that but my lack of creativity. I feel like all the people around me are so creative, always expressing themselves openly and freely and in new and different ways, and that creative energy seems so related to sexual energy. But I feel like I have no sexual energy. I feel like I have nothing to express. I feel alone and broken. I feel like I am missing out on the most basic instinct and human experience, and that makes me feel like I don't belong in the human family. Sure, I've had sex, but I've never had the feeling of true sexual hunger, or of being satisfied from sex. I don't even know what that means or would feel like. I see it in everyone else and I keep trying to find it in myself, but it eludes me. I feel like this feeling is making all the other problems in my life make sense...I've been on the fringes of a deep depression lately and now I feel like I might understand why I've never felt a true belonging anywhere. I don't know how to find meaning if I believe I'm asexual. Relationships and family life are so important to me. I feel lost and sad and scared.

Thank you for listening. It means a lot to me. I'd love to hear any insight or input you guys might have.

[thekittyhawk]

You need a hug! **Hugs** there there, have some lovely cake

Well, welcome to AVEN! This is a really good place to learn about asexuality, and to learn about the community. Hopefully we can help you figure yourself out, and if you do decide you're ace, there are SO many people on here who used to feel really broken and alone. Just knowing there are others like you can really help.

I mean, just from what you say, a lot of those things do sound like you're asexual. The thing about not understanding it, not getting into it like you feel you should. And the feeling that sex is ruining a really great moment. Sex just isn't something you really want or need.

But, and there's no shame in this, you don't WANT to be asexual. You want to feel normal, and sexuality is a part of that. You think you might just be gay. I've been there. And it took me a while, but I realised I don't want to have sex with girls, either. All these things might be clouding your acceptance. I'm not saying you should identify as asexual because you want to, but maybe if you look around the forums a bit, chat to some aces and find out what we're like, you can see who you identify with, who you don't, and maybe come out with a more positive view that will allow you to see yourself more clearly.

Good luck x

-Kitty

[Alys]

Thank you so much, Kitty! Nom nom cake. ^^ It's definitely relieving to know that there is a community like this that can talk to me about it and maybe help clarify things for me. You all are wonderful. <3

[butterscotchwm]

Aw :(

Well, like thekittyhawk said, we've all felt broken or lost in some way or another, so you're not alone. I think because of the fact that you came to this community, (and based off of the story you told) you might be somewhere on the asexual spectrum, but only you can figure out who you are. Just take some time to look through discussions, watch a documentary, watch some interviews, and then reflect on that information. Sometimes it takes a while - it took me like 3 years to finally come to terms with being asexual!

As an asexual person, you don't have to feel broken. There are other ways of being intimate with someone rather than sex that can be very fullfilling - and you CAN find someone who would be willing to cooperate with your asexuality. Typically, asexual people don't experience sex to be a fullfilling form of intimacy, and you've certainly expressed those kinds of feelings. But don't feel bad about it.

I'm positive you will figure yourself out! Just keep at it! :)