OCD's, obscure attraction to the opposite sex and possible asexuality?

[Pentobarbital]

Hi

From what I've read, asexuality doesn't sound like it has a proper definition. It's sounds versatile. So I can't really figure this out.

Some people have said here that they enjoy sex, but just don't feel the need or want to have it.

I personally don't understand how something you don't want can be enjoyable. But that's just me.

I have found, that I don't want sex, I don't desire it, I don't like it, I don't need it, don't want it.

But then, I am a female and because I don't like females, don't like or want female sexual parts (or anything about being a female), I despise the idea of sex as a female with a male or female. I am uncomfortable in my body because I hate it for it's gender. My skin literally crawls when I think of anything sexual to do with myself and another person.

That being said, I like the way I look and I like myself as a person, gender aside. I figured a long time ago, that since I'm stuck in this body (because I will never have non-medically necessary major surgery of any kind ie: a sex change) then I have to feel like I can live in my skin.

I have achieved this. I like me for all but my gender.

This might be a little all over the place.

Next, I'm OCD, mysophobia plagues me and nobody touches me, stands too near me, because I make it clear to everyone I know or come into contact with, that they should not touch me, ever. I'm straightforward about this. I'm not embarrassed. All the usual OCD shit comes with it, counting rituals, washing my hands until they're raw, repetition of stupid illogical shit. Overall, of what's relevant here, I don't like to be touched and I don't touch people unless I have to (and then there's bleach for those times), not even my immediate family. I cringe at the thought. I will scour my skin. However, I'm not disabled by my OCD's. I manage, I have methods.

It's complicated.

So asexuality. Right. Am I asexual? I've had sex. There was no hesitation to do it when I found a person who fit specific criteria. But I don't feel anything in having sex. Physically it's minimal, like, pointlessly minimal, like it's not even worth it. Emotionally...to be honest, I don't know what that's supposed to feel like, are you supposed to feel all vulnerable and endeared? I don't get that.

Anyway, I've only had sex when myself and the other person are both freshly clean, I will not do it otherwise, because excess germs. I've gone years without sex. I like it that way. And I'm getting to a point where I will keep it that way.

Makes my 8 year relationship difficult to manage. But. Anyway. I also don't believe in 'love' and being ridiculously emotionally invested in anyone, so if that ends, yeah, I'll live.

So I don't crave sex myself, right. But then there's the flip side.

I'm attracted to men, very specific types, very specific looks and it also has to do with what they're like as people, do I like them as people, you know. But I'm not really attracted to them sexually, if ever I am, it's minimal, but I'm attracted to their physicality. Men are physically superior, if their bodies are taken care of, they're certainly something worth looking at. I sometimes might try to imagine myself being sexual with them, but then I become nauseous. But it's because I don't find heterosexual sex attractive, because I don't like females. I do however, find homosexual sex attractive, but only between men, obviously.

So when I ask myself if I'm asexual, I don't know.

Because it's too vague a term.

Do I not like sex?

Do I not like sex because I don't like females and I'm a female?

Do I not like sex because I'm OCD and despise people even so much as touching my shoulder?

Do I not like sex just because it's generally unsanitary?

Do I not like sex because I'm completely desensitized to emotional attachments and so I don't want people hanging around me?

Do I not like sex because I'm too picky about what I'm attracted to and anything else just doesn't cut it?

Do I not like sex because I find it a pointless, non beneficial activity?

Sigh. This is only a pain in the ass because I'm not single. I should just remedy that and be done with it.

[Marshmallow Tree]

Hello and welcome :)

Firstly:

The definition on the top says "a person who does not experience sexual attraction". Some may dispute the definition and want it reworded or re-phrased but currently I think it's fine. When I first joined I was confused how demisexuals, people who could experience sexual attraction ONLY when a strong emotional bond is formed, were included as it directly contradicts this. However. to clear things up: they only experience sexual attraction under certain circumstances, so they can feel attraction but they feel far enough removed from allosexuals because of their requirements, which are not by choice, that they are a part of the asexual community. One person put it as if demisexuals were heterosexuals (which they're not), then the world wouldn't be filled with sex in the media and such etc. I think that's a good point. Is there anything else that confuses you?

I'll explain more on libido and sexual attraction further on.

Have you never done something you didn't like to please someone else? E.g taken kids to a park - while they have fun you sit and watch? This is sort of misleading, since they CAN enjoy sex and many do, but you get my drift. It can be for a variety of reasons. For instance, people have sex with their partners and enjoy it despite being asexual because it pleases them and what makes their partner happy makes them happy. The only thing that's missing is sexual attraction; romantic attraction is still there. Many say that it's intimate and that they feel closer to their partner. Some people compromise since most partners have a sexuality and not having sex is a deal breaker for most of them. There are many people here who have shared their experiences and why.

Sounds like you're experiencing gender dysphoria. If you're unhappy with the gender you are then I would seek further help (you say you are happy with everything now but your gender). You said you won't get a sex change but that isn't necessary for living as who you are.

I have OCD too. Mine is different however and contamination affects me differently than you. I've come across quite a few people (who do not have OCD) who do not like to be touched simply because they do not like physical contact. They still lead fulfilling lives. In your case, it sounds like it affects you and your attitude to sex directly and could be damaging your ability to enjoy it.

On your sexuality:

There's definitely a couple of things going on here. You're romantically attracted to men. You said that you, when you found the right person was sexually attracted to him and had sex "There was no hesitation to do it when I found a person who fit specific criteria" . However later you then stated that "I don't want sex, I don't desire it" Did you desire sex? At any point? Did you get that urge to have partnered sex? Have you ever? It sounds as if you did, but correct me if you did otherwise.

To expand on this, libido is different from sexual attraction. Sexual attraction is the desire to have partnered sex. I do not posess this desire, but I do have a libido. However in asexuals that have libidos their desire is not directed at anything. So while we may masturbate, we do not possess the ability to desire partnered sex as we lack it. Before I knew of the difference I never knew why anyone EVER could desire sex. Ever. Simply because I thought if I didn't, how could anyone else since I'm romantically attracted to men and have a libido? But now I know romance and sex are seperate (I should've always known this to be honest it was so obvious) e.g. one night stands where you don't have to be romantically in love with someone to find them sexually attracted. Anyway it definitely sounds like your OCD and gender unhappiness with your body is affecting your enjoyment in sex. Maybe you could enjoy sex if you were happy with your body and not disgusted when having sex and if your OCD didn't affect you so heavily. I'm not an expert, but you should seek help for what issues you have that are making you unhappy. Once you are happier with the way you are and are comfortable around people you will start to see changes.

But the fact remains, if you do not want sex, don't have it. Don't force yourself into having it if you're uncomfortable. Hopefully your partner can understand.

[Star Bit]

Sexual attraction: the impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with someone. In sexual people this desire is triggered by that persons presence being sexually arousing.

An asexual can enjoy sex through moral satisfaction that they made their partner happy, enjoy just orgasming, etc.

[thekittyhawk]

Simply put, the most common type of asexuality is never being sexually attracted to someone, never really desiring sex or seeing a person and thinking "I want to bang you". However, some aces do have sexual attraction but they don't really want to act on it. Some call themselves asexual even though they have sex because they don't have the initial attrcation or really want it, or they just do it to please their partner, and physiologically, it can feel good. Some aces have libido, some don't.

There's really all sorts here, and essentially, if sex doesn't appeal to you, you can of course call yourself asexual, or grey-ace, which is descibed as having low or infrequent sexual attraction or drive, or not wanting to act on your sexual attraction.

Only you can label yourself, but just from that post you do sound asexual, and having a reason for it doesnt invalidate asexuality at all! Hope that helped!

-Kitty

[Star Bit]

Gray-Ace/Gray-A/Gray-Asexual is anything between having sexual attraction and not; characteristics of both at the same time (i.e. Cupiosexual and Lithsexual) or at different times (i.e. Demisexual, etc.).