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asexual or grey-asexual?


ilovecatsnotyou

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ilovecatsnotyou

i'm confused about whether i'm completely asexual or just grey-asexual. when i was 12 or 13, kids my age started talking about sex, but it kinda grossed me out and i didn't really want anything to do with it. however, between the ages of 14 and 16, i was often aroused and experienced sexual desires/fantasies. it kind of just happened all of a sudden. i'm guessing it was just because of hormones. the thing is that even though i would often think about having sex with a person, whenever i saw that person in real life i would think "why would i even imagine doing that with them?" and i would feel disgusted with myself. i'm not completely sure whether or not what i experienced was actually sexual attraction or not.

sometime when i was 16, i gradually began to stop having those thoughts. even when i was in a relationship, i rarely thought about having sex with that person, even though i loved them very much at the time. i'm now 17 almost 18 and i haven't experienced any sexual desires in months, maybe even a year. a few months ago i had a sexual experience (we didn't actually have sex but we did a few things) and i didn't like it at all. the reason i'm confused is because even though i sort of experienced sexual attraction when i was younger, i wasn't in a relationship and i hadn't ever experienced anything sexual. the first time i actually experienced something sexual i really didn't like it at all

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So when you were younger someones presence was sexually arousing, which triggered the impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with them?

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jay williams

For me sexual feelings have changed from time to time, and they continue to change. I have concluded that I am not as straight as most people, and I have never much cared for "procreative" sex as much as most people.

Too many people here get hung up on labels, and whether they meet up to expectations. Enjoy life, and don't worry. If you don't enjoy something don't do it.

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Mr. Quickhands

Sexual arousal and fantasies aren't always explicitly linked to attraction and desire, especially around the time of puberty and all those new raging hormones. It can change very quickly over time, too. In a case like yours, it may be downright impossible to figure out which is which and it'll drive you insane to try. It's going to be an underdetermined system for a while, and it's best to recognize that.

If you find a label that immediately clicks and makes sense to you, by all means feel free to use it. You could try going into an empty room and saying "I'm asexual" or "I'm a gray area asexual" or "I'm -sexual" and see if any of those statements immediately "feels right", but be prepared for the likely possibility that it's all too confusing to have any strong feelings about any of them. And even if one of them immediately clicks with you, you're still probably going to be in for a lot of second-guessing down the road until you feel like you've reached a stable and measured point in life. So really, it's best to keep it all in mind, but keep your options open. If you feel like the people you're dating ought to know, you can just tell them that you're not the most sexual person. That should get the message across perfectly fine. It's not weird to bluntly talk about that kind of thing early on in a relationship, and if anyone thinks so then they're probably too immature to date. The best people will actually feel closer to you if you're open and honest.

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I have no advice but I will commiserate. I'm 40 and my sexuality changes regularly, I don't dare commit to a label although I do know that some things turn me on but I have no desire to try them with other people EXCEPT when I do. You are not a object; you are a process. Your life is constantly in motion and at times certain descriptions will fit that process and at times they won't. Enjoy the wonderful process that is you.

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Did you specifically have the desire for sex with the people you were attracted to in that way? It's been a long time since you experienced those feelings, so it's up to you to decide how to label your experiences, and determine whether: you think you used to experience sexual attraction in the first place, whether you still do although very rarely, if you stopped experiencing it, or if you never did.

Which label you decide on doesn't have to be final. You could change it later, and you don't have to label yourself if you don't want to.

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  • 2 weeks later...
ilovecatsnotyou

So when you were younger someones presence was sexually arousing, which triggered the impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with them?

not really, i only had thoughts when i was alone but whenever i was actually around the person i wouldn't think of doing anything with them

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Irezumi Hikari

I'm sure you've looked into it quite a bit, so I'm sure you're familiar with sexuality being fluid. I identify as demisexual partly because of how I change throughout time. Also, just because you have thoughts of it sometimes, that doesn't mean you're not asexual. But as far as I'm concerned, you don't absolutely have to have a label for yourself. Kind of like how I tell people about how I eat. Instead of saying "I'm vegetarian," I just say I'm almost vegetarian, but I eat chicken occasionally. It sums it up for people that want to know, but it doesn't put a label on me.

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That asexual guy

People on the Internet would call me gray-asexual based on confining definitions. But I'm asexual. Call yourself what you want to call yourself. Don't try to match your feelings with a label and its precise definition.

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