Neoko Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 So, I'm asexual, and I'm very homoromantic. I just got out of a really toxic relationship about 4 months ago, and it makes me feel sick to think that I let her touch me and we had sex. It makes me angry that she's the last person I had sex with. So, I went to my best friend and asked her if she wanted to experiment with me. Have a safe, comfortable environment to try sex and kinks and things. So last night, we finally did... It was a disaster. She was as awkward as I was, and I really need someone to push me into having sex, because I don't like it, but she was so submissive, so I ended up having to take control over everything. It almost didn't happen, I was nervous and uncomfortable. So, after we were undressed, I asked her if she still even wanted to do anything. Alls I could focus on was how much I wasn't sexually attracted to her. I ended up just getting her off, and didn't let her touch me. I was expecting it to go a lot smoother than that?? I don't know, but now I feel bad. I didn't even end up getting what I needed from it (having sex with someone other than Cheyenne). I don't like sex, but chances are I'm going to end up with a sexual partner, and I want to explore how to have it without feeling awful about myself. I want to at least experience a little bit of pleasure from it, because I know myself, and if my partner wanted to have sex, I would do it for them. But it's so awkward, boring, and uncomfortable. And also painful?? Like, I'm sleeping with other girls, it's not supposed to be painful, but it is. My gynecologist thinks it's something wrong with my hymen, but that's not even where it hurts. It's frustrating, to say the least. I want to be able to enjoy sex... But I just can't. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
argar Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 Yeah, I've had similar experiences with a friend of mine once. I enjoyed the surprise of it the first time, but it got old really really fast. Afterward i felt kind of disgusted with myself. To be honest you have the right to be as intimate as you want, but I really think you are trying to force yourself to have sex. Remember there is a difference between sex and intimacy. I think in the rush to have sex, you are having zero intimacy. Intimacy takes time, without it sex seems like a useless exercise. I hope you are able to find intimacy with someone, and true intimacy does not have to include touching. It can lead to that, but it is something that is nurtured and grown. I hope you find a healthy way to deal with the feelings and confusion you seem to be having. Remember AVEN is here. Have a beautiful day. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Neoko Posted August 14, 2015 Author Share Posted August 14, 2015 Thank you <3 I think you're right, what I really want is intimacy. She tried her best to be sensual, but I just didn't feel... anything :/ It was nerve racking. It was probably a stupid idea, but it felt like a necessary one. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
argar Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 No worries, discovering what us up with us is a process. I think it's the same for everyone, our asexual experience is just a bit more unique sometimes. Have the same wonderful day. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Erasmvs Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 You don't have to force yourself if you don't like sex. Just don't do it man, you really don't have to. I know you were just experimenting, which is great, but there are many things to show your love, like cuddle, hugs, kiss, gifts or even a smile, you don't need to do this if you don't like. Take care~ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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