Sexual attraction and libido- is there a link?

[Bonesy]

Hey!

I've been thinking about sexual attraction a lot lately. Some folks have mentioned only feeling it when they hit their later teenage years (seventeen, eighteen-ish), while others seem to have discovered it at a very young age. My question is, are sexual attraction and one's libido inherently linked, and do you think they are a "package deal" in that they typically arrive together? Do you usually "discover" the two at around the same time, or is it possible to develop a libido, and then start feeling sexual attraction a few years later? Because in my case, I found/discovered I had a libido roughly two to three years ago (meaning to say that I do get aroused, though it's never directed anywhere specific), but since I first developed a libido I've not once felt the urge to do anything sexual with someone in real life.

This led to my recently concluding that perhaps I may be asexual. However, I have this nagging doubt in the back of my head: what if I suddenly start feeling sexually attracted to other people later on in my life? Do you think that's possible...? Or would my developing a libido without the sexual attraction part of the "package" not coming in the following two and a half-ish years mean that I probably won't ever feel sexual attraction towards another person?

Yikes, I ended up with a lot of questions. But, yeah. If you guys have any thoughts and/or opinions, I'd be glad to hear them! And thanks for reading.

Bonesy

[purplesnow]

I can't answer all of your questions, but I can answer this:

However, I have this nagging doubt in the back of my head: what if I suddenly start feeling sexually attracted to other people later on in my life? Do you think that's possible...?

Sure, it's possible. My understanding of my sexual / romantic attractions has changed several times since puberty. There are plenty of stories of people who thought they were (or even simply were) completely asexual until a certain point in time, a certain event, a certain stage in a relationship etc. when something changed. The home page of this site says the following very sensible thing:

Asexuality is like any other identity- at its core, it’s just a word that people use to help figure themselves out. If at any point someone finds the word asexual useful to describe themselves, we encourage them to use it for as long as it makes sense to do so.

[ThaHoward]

You can have a libido without experiencing sexual attraction, and the other way around. It may happen that you need to find someone special in ordr to get sexually attracted to them, or you may not feel sexual attraction at all. It is. A very vague answer, but it is difficult for us to answer, and in the end it's only you who can know if you experience it or not. However, from my personal observations it seems that persons who indeed feel sexual attraction (to let's say the opposite sex) start to be interested in sex in general and the opposite sex before they actually hit puberty and experience sexual attraction. So I guess if you experience sexual attraction you would have known it by now, or that you need to find someone very special (i.e bye grey-a or demisexual - if you know what that is).

Don't know if this helped, but if you got any more questions, or need clarification, don't hesitate to tell them! :) Oh and the FAQ can be a great p,ace to check out - if you haven't already.

[Amusicum]

I agree with what people have said so far. I think identify categories can help us to feel some sense of belonging at a certain point in time. However, I also think that such categories are dangerous, as people start thinking immediately what your 'innate' characteristics are once you say you inhabit a certain identity, and this negates growth. I think our sexualities/ sexual practices can shift throughout our lives and that we should see ourselves as being in a continual process of becoming. I don't believe that there is any such thing as a genuine 'asexual' essence but the way identity politics goes in the twenty-first century, we are haunted by what we 'should' be doing in order to conform to the category we have assigned ourselves. Of course, that's not our fault. It's the way society is constructed. For instance, I have recently found my sexual libido. Yet, I do not want to have sex with other people. I feel as if I may well not have sex with other people in my lifetime, but I accept that it may happen at some stage, with the right person and if it feels right. In summary, it may be difficult but I think we need to look beyond the identity category which most closely fits our lived experience. Of course, identity categories never really capture such experiences. I think we just need to go with the flow, accept with compassion when things change in our sexual trajectory, and to move with this.

[AwkwardGuy]

Some psychologists believe that libido always has an object (which could be a person) that it is directed towards. I assume that there needs to be an attraction to the object, before the libido is directed towards it.

I've never felt more attracted to one woman over another. I don't have a type of woman to whom I'm especially attracted to. Many types of women are very appealing to me on a sensually aesthetic basis, but I would not call that an attraction. Ice cream is very appealing to me, but only when I'm in the mood for ice cream. It is not a thought or feeling that lasts long enough or is strong enough to attract my attention on an ongoing basis, and this is the same for women whom I find to be sensually appealing.

I am attracted to certain kinds of situations, and that is where my libido gets directed and often fixated upon for long periods of time. If a woman seems to fit into a situation that attracts me, then she will become part of what I'm attracted to or drawn to, regardless of her sensual appeal to me or other characteristics. Oddly, I don't think that her degree of sensual appeal to me would make any difference to the attraction, since the attraction is not specifically focused on her, but on the situation she is contributing to.

So, here is a question to think about: Is your libido attracted to "something," even if it is not a person? It could be a situation, environment, a fetish, an object, a hobby, etc.

[AwkwardGuy]

I think our sexualities/ sexual practices can shift throughout our lives and that we should see ourselves as being in a continual process of becoming. I don't believe that there is any such thing as a genuine 'asexual' essence but the way identity politics goes in the twenty-first century, we are haunted by what we 'should' be doing in order to conform to the category we have assigned ourselves...

...Of course, identity categories never really capture such experiences. I think we just need to go with the flow, accept with compassion when things change in our sexual trajectory, and to move with this.

Your response to this thread is the best thing I've seen written about asexuality in this forum! We need you here! :)

[Amusicum]

Aw, thank you so much. I'm glad I contributed in a good way to the discussion here. I'm doing my PhD on female asexualities, so I write about these issues quite a lot. I'm using my own life writing as part of it, as well as biography groups I ran with women. I think it's really important to talk about these issues of identity/attraction, as we need to eradicate these myths about every person experiencing attraction/desire in a uniform way. I'm happy to be here. :)

[Amusicum]

I am attracted to certain kinds of situations, and that is where my libido gets directed and often fixated upon for long periods of time. If a woman seems to fit into a situation that attracts me, then she will become part of what I'm attracted to or drawn to, regardless of her sensual appeal to me or other characteristics. Oddly, I don't think that her degree of sensual appeal to me would make any difference to the attraction, since the attraction is not specifically focused on her, but on the situation she is contributing to.

So, here is a question to think about: Is your libido attracted to "something," even if it is not a person? It could be a situation, environment, a fetish, an object, a hobby, etc.

...

I can certainly relate to this. I think sexual attraction and sexual orientation have a lot to do with how we experience time, situation and place. It's not just about the person to me either. That's why 'attraction' always seems to occur for me in fleeting moments, rather as something sustained. It also makes sense from the perspective of not being attracted to a particular type of person or indeed gender, as this may change with the situation/context you experience this attraction within.

[Autumn Season]

I don't know anymore which thread it was, but there somebody asked whether libido or attraction comes first. A couple of members shared their experience. There were cases in which libido came first and those in which libido and attraction came at the same time.

The question was asked whether it is at all possible to be attracted without a libido. This again leads to the question whether nonlibidoists are actually aces or maybe allos who don't have a libido and thus don't feel the motivation to approach somebody sexually.

And no, there is no answer to those questions... yet.

[AwkwardGuy]

..

I can certainly relate to this. I think sexual attraction and sexual orientation have a lot to do with how we experience time, situation and place. It's not just about the person to me either. That's why 'attraction' always seems to occur for me in fleeting moments, rather as something sustained. It also makes sense from the perspective of not being attracted to a particular type of person or indeed gender, as this may change with the situation/context you experience this attraction within.

This is what I've been "unsuccessfully" trying to express on this site for a while, but you've articulated it so perfectly. You are definitely the right person to research and write about asexuality. I hope that you write some books on the topic too! :)

The time/situation/place factors have had a profound effect on how and why I became involved with certain people in the past. Unfortunately, I've experienced the painful aspect of that as well, when a partner has suddenly lost interest in me due to a change in their environment and situation, or when they realized that I wasn't the type of situation that they first imagined.

I'm sometimes amazed at how abruptly someone's attitude or desire can seem to change when the circumstances shift, even slightly. One day they are deeply in love or infatuated with you, but then something shifts in their life, or something unforeseen happens in your own world, and the magic is suddenly gone, like a flower suddenly closing up.

[Amusicum]

I'm sometimes amazed at how abruptly someone's attitude or desire can seem to change when the circumstances shift, even slightly. One day they are deeply in love or infatuated with you, but then something shifts in their life, or something unforeseen happens in your own world, and the magic is suddenly gone, like a flower suddenly closing up.

I can completely empathise with you, even though I have never had a sustained romantic relationship. A large part of this I would say is because 'attraction' as we know it seems so fickle to me, as you have just narrated. I am used to loving people genuinely for who they are, regardless of context, and that is how great friendships last. It's also why polyamoury makes more sense to me than monogamy. I remember clearly a scene from Sartre's 'Nausea where the central character, Antoine Roquentin, watches a young couple fighting at a restaurant table beside him. Sartre's words capture it perfectly for me: Soon the two of them will form just a single life, a slow, tepid life which will have no significance left at all - but they won't notice that.' What I get from this scene is that love between two people in a couple can be fickle. The magic can leave and you can lose the kernel of your own individuality, which is so vital to creativity and growth, I feel. That is why even though past moments of your trajectory may be painful, it is important for each of us to exist on our own terms. That way, as attraction waxes and wanes we don't lose courage in our own convictions.

As for my own work, I would love for my thesis to be published as a book after my PhD. As my topic deals a lot with memories, particular scenes and the people involved are brought up, and definitely the issue around contextual attraction, I sometimes feel really guilty talking about people I knew in my work, even though I give them pseudonyms, it has to be said. Yet the point is to bring to light the dynamics of the situations/ the patriarchal structures that may have underpinned them, rather than speaking anything directly of the person I am talking about. Again, it goes back to the issue of person/place/context/time. It is so central to the issues we speak of here.