Rinna Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 I am not sure if I am asexual, I have been wondering for the past year or so when I found out about it. I was hoping you guys could give me your opinions. I apologize for the length and if it seems scattered. I have taken many quizzes and tests to try and figure it out but I am a virgin and have almost no experience with relationships so that makes it hard to answer many of the questions which affects my results. I have social anxiety and don’t normally talk to people outside my family and close friends, I only talk to people I don’t know well unless I have to. I don’t like being around unfamiliar people, I get incredibly uncomfortable, I have no desire to touch or think of them in a sexual way, at most I may notice they are good looking but no more. When it comes to people I know well and am comfortable around there is no sexual attraction but all my friends are females so I don’t if it would be different if there was a male outside my family that I was really comfortable with if I would develop an attraction to him. I am pretty positive that I would need to know someone for a length of time and be very comfortable with them before I have any interest in having a sexual relationship ( and I have never been in a real relationship before so I have no clue if that would even happen). I guess the point being at this point in time I have never felt the desire to have sex with someone and the idea of me having sex with a person is not appealing. The main reason I point out my social anxiety is because I want to be sure that’s not why I feel like I am asexual. When I was in 9th grade I did have a boyfriend and after the first week I hated every minute of it, I avoided him as much as I could at school and very rarely answered his calls. I hated the hand holding, cuddling, hugging and kissing (which was just a closed mouth kiss). I know your wondering why I didn’t just break up with him, because I was very shy and I honestly thought there had to be some big reason. And I now feel very bad about how I ignored and avoided him, we are on good terms now. The only thing that truly grossed me out was the kissing I would (after he was gone), wipe my mouth off or even wash it, any other touching (hand holding, arm around my waist) didn’t really gross me out I just didn’t like it. With him, I know that some of it was because of my social anxiety but I don’t how much and that is where I am partly confused, would it be different with someone else who I knew better or would it be like that with anybody? This part is a little weird and a big part about why I question if I am asexual. I do have fantasies, ideas, stories in my head, whatever you want to call them. Stories would probably be closest, I create entire stories in my head which can take weeks to play out, all of the characters are fiction and I try my hardest to them from being like any one real. There is an entire story line with background stories and everything but there is sex and cuddliness in it which I often go into detail on (the relationships can be either heterosexual or homosexual, not sure if that matters), so that it where I get confused. They are always fiction people, I am never in it, I never really go into detail on how they look other than hair and eye color, I very, very rarely get aroused by the sex and don’t act on it, I like doing these for the story, emotion of it and fun of creating it. so basically I’m not sure what this means since I like to imagine the sex but at the same time imagining myself actually having sex with someone is unappealing. Another thing I do like to do but not much any more is read fanfiction which anyone who is familiar with it knows that it can have a lot of sex in it but also really good stories, but those are also fiction people who do not exist. One reason I may have liked the sex part of those is because I didn’t know much about it in the first place and I was curious, but I don’t read them anymore so I may just be bored with it. I know this part is weird but I thought it was important to mention. One other thing is I’m not fond of physical contact in general, not a fan of hugging, hand shaking, hand holding, friendly touches, etc. I’ll do these things but I sometimes feel awkward or feel no reason to do it in the first place. my family isn’t the most physically affectionate family in the world so that could be part of it. but I do find emotional relationships very important, I love my family and friends very much, they mean a lot to me. So I guess to summarize I am very shy and don’t how much that factors in. so far I have never really felt the desire to have sex with someone, I do notice sometimes when people are good looking but never have any desire to touch anyone. I do think about sex but do not feel the need to have it. from my one past relationship I didn’t like any part of it but again don’t know how much social anxiety factors into that and I am not very fond of physical contact. I know that was long and I apologize for that and thank you so much for taking the time to read it. some of what I said may not matter at all but I wasn’t really sure. I would really like to hear what you think, I just really want to know someone else’s thoughts on the matter. thank you so much Rinna Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Veertje.-20 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Hello Rinna and Welcome to AVEN, Thank you for telling us your story so honestly. Of course most of us (at least I think) are not professionals on the subject and we can't tell you who or what you are. I'm pretty new myself to all this to be honest so i'm not really an expert, but of course I can share you some of my own experiences. I've doubted for a long time if I was really attracted to other people, at the time I didn't really knew the term asexuality, but I've never felt attracted to anyone, not women, not men and not anything in between. I'm not sure if you could really call it social anxiety with me, but i'm very insecure and i'm dealing with an eating disorder right now. I never really knew if I really didn't like the idea of intimacy or if i was just afraid of it. The part about the fan fiction and the fantasizing I really understood, because I do exactly the same (and here I thought I was the only one). It's kind of confusing, but when I think about it, I always fantasize it in the third person and never really detailed, because i have almost no sexual experience and i'm really not craving for it either. It's more out of curiosity, because most people seem to like it and sometimes I wonder were it's all about and if i'm not missing something. What I try to do now is compartmentalizing. Do I really want sexual contact with anyone, but am I just to scared to give myself to someone like that or am I just not that interested in sexual contact at all and has it nothing to do with my insecurities? For me it helped really good to really ask myself these questions and give them an honest answer. I realized I was lying to myself a lot, making excuses, scared of being broken or being different. Lot of my insecurities exist because of the fact that I felt different than other people and that terrified me. I hope my story helped you some even though I know it's not much of an answer or advise. Good luck with finding your own answers and if you ever want to talk feel free to contact me! Thank you for reading this, Veertje Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lost247365 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Hi Rinna Before I get started I should probably give my usual disclaimer that I am not you, and only you can be the final authority on whether you are asexual or not. That said, I can offer you my own opinions and experiences.That said, it sounds like you are an aromantic asexual or aromantic demisexual to me. You post makes it sound like you don't really have any desire for sex or a romantic relationship, or at the very least wouldn't not desire it unless you formed a very strong emotional bond with someone first. Demi-sexuality is when a person has no desire for sex with others until they form a strong emotional bond first. It sounds like you feel that this could possibly describe you, but you have doubts even then. Not experiencing sexual attraction or a desire for partnered sex is pretty much the definition of asexuality and from your post that describes you perfectly. Similarly, an aromantic is a person who doesn't desire romantic relationships or experience romantic attractions. This doesn't mean that you don't experience love, or close emotional bonds to others, just that romantic relationships and all that entails (like kissing) do not appeal to you. I also want to state I COMPLETELY get where you are coming from with regards to your social anxiety. I have that problem too. I used to frequently wonder if I was asexual or if my lack of attraction was due to my all encompassing fear of rejection by others. "Am I REALLY asexual or am I just giving up on sex and love because dealing with others just hurts too much," used to go through my head constantly. But over time, I find that I have that worry less and less. It is still there, to be sure, but only barely. What ultimately made me sure I was asexual was just sitting down and admiting to myself I had never had any desire to have sex with anyone for any reason. After admitting that, I was able to accept the label whole heartedly and it has just felt more and more right since then. Further, there are certain quirks asexuals tend to share, like lack of sex dreams, that have just reinforced my confidence more and more about my decision. Here is a nice article listing them, and maybe, assuming you really are asexual, you will see a bit of yourself in them as well: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/possible-signs-of-asexuality-part-1-about-you/ http://www.asexualityarchive.com/possible-signs-of-asexuality-part-2-about-sex/ http://www.asexualityarchive.com/possible-signs-of-asexuality-part-3/The fact that you create these narratives and enjoy these fanfictions in no way disqualifies you from possibly being asexual either. Many asexuals enjoy erotic material and fantasy, but the feelings they feel just can't seem to transfer to real life, or like you, they don't involve themselves. In fact, it sounds more like you are interested in such things purely as a story device to further the story and character development. I don't think that is something you need to worry about undermining your own sense of orientation. Anyway, let me end this by welcoming you to AVEN! Have some cake :D Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Roni Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 This part is a little weird and a big part about why I question if I am asexual. I do have fantasies, ideas, stories in my head, whatever you want to call them. Stories would probably be closest, I create entire stories in my head which can take weeks to play out, all of the characters are fiction and I try my hardest to them from being like any one real. There is an entire story line with background stories and everything but there is sex and cuddliness in it which I often go into detail on (the relationships can be either heterosexual or homosexual, not sure if that matters), so that it where I get confused. They are always fiction people, I am never in it, I never really go into detail on how they look other than hair and eye color, I very, very rarely get aroused by the sex and don’t act on it, I like doing these for the story, emotion of it and fun of creating it. so basically I’m not sure what this means since I like to imagine the sex but at the same time imagining myself actually having sex with someone is unappealing. I actually smiled here, because I do the same thing! From reading what you've posted, you do sound asexual. It's important to remember that experiences and feelings for asexual people vary from person to person, so I do not suggest taking those asexual quizes, simply because they may not sum up all of the many different things that people in the asexual community experience. When I said I do the same thing (quoted) as you, I've found that kind of imagine-a-story thing as a comfort of sorts. Maybe I'm bord, maybe something's upset me, I just like to sit and think, and making up those stories with fictional characters is a great way to think! I often make those characters asexual and imagine them being told the same things I've been told, and imagining them handling it and solving that problem in a better and more effective way than I did. It's just comforting for me. I've often wondered if I was weird for doing that, so I was happy to read you do a similar thing. Imagining the sex or the cuddling in no way invalidates your sexuality. In fact, a lot of asexuals still do imagine romantic or sexual things, and many read sexual fanfictions. Heck, many asexuals even have sex. What defines asexuality is lack of sexual attraction. It has nothing to do with behavior, whether it be actively having sex or simply imagining it. I hope any comments here may help you feel better. Good Luck! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Lord Sesshomaru! ♥ --I'm not experienced with social anxiety but that would just make you nervous, right? You could still have sexual attraction when you're not around the person, i would think; if you're sexual. Ideas and fantasies are different from what you actually feel for people. A gay person can like thinking of straight couples or straight porn and it doesn't make them any less gay. There are definitely Aces that write sexual fan fics. Your repulsion in the romantic relationship could have been because you weren't even romantically attracted to him. Did you just have an urge to get to know him/think he was awesome, or did you have soft/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lost247365 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Lord Sesshomaru! ♥ HA! That was my first thought too. But then again I love Rumiko Takahashi and all her material, especially Ranma 1/2 and Urusai Yatsura. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
thekittyhawk Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 I'd have to agree that you do sound asexual, but if you're not sure there are so many helpful forums. Look especially for lists of sexual and romantic orientations. You might find one that describes you! I have a theory also - autochorrisexual. That's when you enjoy sexual fantasies or porn, and sometimes get aroused, but you have no desire to partake in it yourself. I think that could explain your fictions... But I don't know your motives, or how you feel when writing it. It could definitely just be for your stories, and it doesn't detract from your sexuality at all. It's still on the spectrum. Another ace-spectrum thing is demisexuality, which is where you are basically asexual until you get to know a certain person very well and only after forming a close emotional bond, do you feel a desire to have sex with them. Again, still a kind of asexual. You just choose whatever fits you best. And you don't have to be just one thing, either! Romantic-wise, I'm in the same boat. I also had a relationship when I was thirteen, and throughout all my first kiss I was thinking about how to break up with him. I can't say for sure that I'm aromantic, although I have a lot of the traits associated with it, because I haven't had a proper relationship to base it on. I wouldn't worry too much about it, though. Hope that brainless drivel helped! :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Phoenix Ace Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Do I really want sexual contact with anyone, but am I just to scared to give myself to someone like that or am I just not that interested in sexual contact at all and has it nothing to do with my insecurities? For me it helped really good to really ask myself these questions and give them an honest answer. ^ This. I fell into the same trap for.. at least the last ten years. ;) One of the components of fear would be that you really desire to do something, but your fear prevents you from doing it. This would tend to cause you distress. If your lack of desire for partnered sex causes you no distress, then perhaps you aren't really afraid of it. Also, welcome Rinna. Have some cake! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
skymint Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 You sound a bit like me. In fact, I signed up just so I could respond to you and search around this forum. I’m curious. I also have social anxiety. I’ve been working through it, but I didn’t have my first serious relationship until I was 23 and already out of college. I really hated being around people I didn’t know. I avoided parties and was uncomfortable in large groups. So, as someone with social anxiety, and someone who’s not a virgin but thinks I might be somewhere on the spectrum of asexuality, I can say that they are not necessarily affecting each other. As in, just because you have social anxiety, it doesn’t mean you’re not possibly asexual. I don’t think they interact with each other that much… At most, your social anxiety may be keeping you from meeting people and being available as a romantic partner. Honestly, only after being sexually involved with someone did I start wondering whether I was asexual (not before)! Our situations are flipped, in a way...? I can totally relate to the making up stories. I think the important thing is differentiating between fantasy, and what you would want to happen in real life. You don’t seem at all interested in sexual activity with someone in the flesh. Part of that may be inexperience, and simply not having met the right person, but you sound like you're really just not interested in sex, in the first place. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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