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Panromantic? Gray-ace? Demi-sexual? Figuring it all out!


loupy

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I've been hanging around this site for a while, but this is my first post. After months/years of trying to figure out what my sexuality is, I have come up with a few labels that I think possibly describe me. Essentially the whole area of attraction is massively confusing for me. I experience attraction so rarely that I really don't have a lot of information to go off.

So one of my major difficulties is in differentiating the way I feel about my friends to when it becomes "something more". The times I believe I have experienced attraction has only been with people I am already close friends with, which has been difficult, because on their side a friendship is all it is.

I now feel that I need to be more open with people in my life about my sexuality. I thought I was okay with keeping it to myself, but then I did tell one person and felt so much better for it. My issue is in what to say when I do "come out". I prefer not to label things, because I'm not sure where I am, but the people I come out to will want a label in order to really understand. So I guess I'm looking for advice on that and just generally support and understanding. Not knowing where I fall and where to connect with people is hurting me and holding me back. I hope that I can find that here.

Another thing that I really struggle with is wishing it was different. I want the typical things - to fall in love, get married have kids and so on. I don't mind whether that is with a male or female. The way things are going it feels like it will never happen at all and I won't find what I hope for, because I just don't feel it. I really want to, but I can't make myself feel something if I don't. Does anyone else experience this?

Any thoughts appreciated.

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I know this is a lot of information, so read it one at a time if you like.

First off, Demisexual is factually having sexual attraction after a certain bond, not the theory of that or being ok with it after a bond. Gray-A/Gray-Asexual involves anything between having sexual attraction and not; having characteristics of both simultaneously (i.e. Cupiosexual and Lithsexual; more so on the Gray-Sexual side) or at different times (i.e. Demisexual, etc.).

Secondly, there are different types of attraction so let’s make sure it’s romantic. They can all be felt separately and in different combinations. Other than romantic attraction; obviously, the following attractions can also be felt platonically.

· Sexual attraction- The impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with a specific person; to do sexual things to their body. In sexual people this desire is triggered by someone’s presence being sexually arousing. What is sexual strictly involves sexual arousal in any direct or indirect way. Your body may find things sexual/react with arousal, but actions should not be called sexual unless you want them done for the arousal.

· Romantic attraction- With all the variations in intensity and wants and unwants that are possible in a romantic relationship, it's left up to an emotion, and emotions don't translate well into words so it's then left up to your own interpretation if they're platonic, romantic, or queerplatonic (QP). It is also different from love; that typically happens later. But it at least involves soft/fuzzy feelings and a degree of fixation (at least in comparison to how one normally is with other people). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling (i.e. butterflies in your stomach, dreamy mind state, etc.) and others don't. The following attractions are typically felt with it but don’t have to be. There are threads that’ve tried to put it into better words but always came back to it being platonically applicable or too vague. It’s also possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction (google charming’s synonyms/definition for further clarification).

· Aesthetic attraction- a fixation on/having a pull to look at someone because of their looks and or mannerisms. It is different from recognizing good looks/what is "aesthetically pleasing" with no fixation. This does not mean a romantic or platonic relationship is desired but attractions can be felt with other attractions.

· Sensual attraction- an urge to have non-sexual physical contact; to cuddle, hold hands, etc. Platonically displaying this more than the norm can qualify as a type of queerplatonic relationship (QPR). This would probably only differ from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing and be best compared to the same desired display toward a pet. But this word is typically applied toward other humans.

· Emotional attraction- a fixation on someone because of their emotions; and by extent personality; how they are stoic, optimistic, etc. I would compare it to admirance or a favorite character. This does not mean a romantic or platonic relationship is desired but attractions can be felt with other attractions.

· Platonic attraction- a strong desire to know or befriend someone (aka a squish; a play on the romantic word crush, but a desire to know someone is also typically felt with romantic attraction). Many Aromantics misinterpreted this as romantic attraction before knowing their orientation. Romantics and Aromantics can have squishes.

Aromantics can still desire some form of company. They can be satisfied with having friends, close friends, best friends, or a QPR.

Queerplatonic relationship (QPR): an emotionally platonic relationship that has characteristics of a romantic/sexual relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, displaying platonic sensual attraction above the norm (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make one’s feelings unromantic), friends with sexual benefits, romantically pleasing someone they platonically love (QP to one and romantic to the other, although it's their decision on what they call the relationship), or any combination of those. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs.

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CosineTheCat

Hello and Welcome to AVEN!

This is a wonderful site full of amazing people and I’m glad that you’ve become a part of it, and thank you for sharing your story, I know it’s not always easy thing to do. It looks like Everyone has giving some great information to get you started! Be sure to browse around and check out all the different areas. I’m sure you’ll find something that interests you!

Welcome Again!

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Hi and welcome! This is a great place to figure out the right label. The people here are happy to help (as you can see). Keep reading around (maybe check out the Asexual Q&A forum as well as the Romantic and Aromantic Orientations forum), and I think it will all come together for you. I'm glad you joined and hope you love being part of this awesome community!!! :)

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Hullo, nice to meet you and welcome to AVEN! :cake: :cake: I'm glad that you have decided to join and thank you for introducing yourself! It seems like you got a bunch of help and wonderful responses that are very helpful, I'm afraid I have nothing else to add except that I hope that you would enjoy it here! More cake!

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Random Puns

Hey I know exactly how you feel. I've been trying to figure out for a while if I'm ace, or bi, or who knows what, do I definitely understand where you're coming from! In fact it's super nice to know other people feel the same way :)

As far as labels, I only really talk about these sorts of things with my closest friends, and to them I just try to be honest and tell them I'm still figuring it out! They've been cool with that, I don't know if that would help your situation at all, but it's okay to tell them you're not sure yet. There's no rush to label yourself for their sake.

Good luck! Hopefully we can all figure it out haha.

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