Title for sexuals who don't desire penetrative sex

[AwkwardGuy]

I think we are splitting hairs and then arguing over the importance of the various slices of hair.

My inability to have intercourse is related to my asexuality, and you cannot tell me this is not true, since you don't know me well enough, and you don't know the reasons why this is true. I've lived the reality of my impotence and I know what influences it; and you don't unless I explain it to you. I can't explain who I am to anyone if I'm not able to describe the many facets of my asexuality/sexuality and how other issues intersect with it.

I don't think it is important that we give a name to what we experience (yep I changed my mind). I think it is much more important to be able to describe how we relate to and feel around people, specifically within the contexts of emotional intimacy and sexuality.

We are trying to differentiate between orientations, identities, desires, attractions, genders, behaviors, sexuality, dysfunctions, etc., but yet all of these aspects overlap to some degree, and it is all important to understanding our individual manifestations of asexuality/sexuality!

Something is wrong with the entire classification system, because there is no agreed upon standard as to what we should include when describing ourselves. Some of us want to minimize what is included, and others, like me, want more information. Personally, I think we are trying to exclude too much. There is not just one form of asexuality. There are as many unique forms of it as there are people who are asexuals.

I suggest that a new system of classification be developed: One that is based on multiple criteria, instead of trying to describe ourselves with one piece of information, such as orientation. The expressions and sources of asexuality are too complex and varied to fit into the term orientation or any other singular term. I know that we all appreciate simplicity, but some things cannot be simplified without losing the essence of who we are.

When did I ever say your being sex repulsed is unrelated to your asexuality? (hint: I didn't) I said it's not exclusive to asexuality. Many people are sex-repulsed because they are asexual, but you don't have to be asexual to be sex-repulsed. Read more carefully. I'm stating your personal sexual preferences, or repulsion, are not your orientation and that there's no reason to invent words for these things because we already HAVE them. There's no reason to start inventing words for things there are already words for, not is there a need to come up with new labels based on people's preferences in the bedroom. You can't simplify that kind of shit anyway, it needs to be a CONVERSATION with your partner. Lay out what's ok and what's not. Not give a slew of labels for your preferences. We ARE complex and that's the point. We don't need a new system to define what people like or don't like in the bedroom.

By the way we already HAVE different versions of asexuality. In case you haven't heard of gray-a, demi, as well as other terms that can extend beyond just asexual people despite being more common here such as non-libidoists vs libidoist, sex-repulsed vs. sex positive, etc. We also have terms for our romantic preferences. You want to break it up MORE? It's not only unnecesarry, but you'd waste more time trying to explain these new words than just saying your preferences in the first place. Why the hell would we need labels to also define exactly what we're ok with in the bedroom as if that's everyone's business?

We're complex and labeling literally everything about ourselves isn't the answer to explaining ourselves to others.

First of all, please lose the sarcasm and defensive attitude. That does not help with the communication. You are so defensive that you completely misread my previous post and made up things about me that are not true, such as that I'm sex repulsed, which I'm not.

I never said that I was sex repulsed. I'm not sure where you read that, but I never wrote that. Why do you think that impotence means sex repulsed? This is why I said that each person has a different idea about what these words mean, and your obvious confusion just made that point very clearly. My point, is that my impotence issue is related to my asexuality (in my particular case), even though impotence is not an exclusive feature of asexuality. Also, if you had carefully read my previous post, you would have noticed that I changed my mind about the use of labels, and so why you are still lecturing me on "words" doesn't make much sense.

The generic words (such as orientation) that you and others think are so insightful, are very confusing too, especially since they are used so broadly, and don't take into account very important aspects of a person's asexuality. They leave out way too much. When I go to a profile and see the word Demisexual or Gray-sexual, or even slightly more specific terms, such as sex repulsed, it still does not communicate much information about the person's asexuality. A more effective profile system would provide several blocks for filling in information that more comprehensively describes a member's asexuality. I think this would be a good thing for a social network that focuses on asexuality, and where people are seeking others who have something in common with their own particular form of asexuality. We don't need more words for this. I'm suggesting that we forget about adding more words, which are not standardized anyway, and instead provide a more effective way to communicate who we are and what our asexuality is about. This isn't rocket science.

I am not suggesting adding more words. I am suggesting that maybe the profile page could be redesigned, to make it easier to describe ourselves to each other. I've seen this effectively done on other social networks regarding other topics. Just look at some of the dating sites online. They do a great job providing a user friendly means for members to describe who they are and what is important to them. Why can't this be done here?

Take a look at the Friend Finder sites and OkCupid. They do a wonderful job eliciting information from members in an interesting and fun way. Besides an extensive profile page, OkCupid also has a Q & A system that elicits very insightful information about the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of each member who contributes to the Q & A, and presents a summarized version of the results on their profile page. I'm not saying that we necessarily need that here, but it is a creative means for members getting to know each other, and getting to know ourselves better. It is ok to think outside the box once in a while.

Once again, I've completely changed my opinion about using labels here. I made that clear in my previous post and I'm emphasizing that here. I think the labels are too confusing and their use should be limited, not eliminated, but limited. They serve a purpose of providing a very general category for a member, but they don't provide much value beyond that.

[Guest]

Frankly I cant accept that not wanting to have penetrative sex as an orientation. It has nothing to do with who you are attracted to. It's just how you prefer to have sex. Like kinks and fetishes, not everything for everyone. Being squicked by a more common form of sex is similar, and probably something individuals who experience it need to work out with their partners. I don't see how an obscure label for them would help, especially when it isn't coming from a community of such people themselves.

[AwkwardGuy]

Frankly I cant accept that not wanting to have penetrative sex as an orientation. It has nothing to do with who you are attracted to. It's just how you prefer to have sex. Like kinks and fetishes, not everything for everyone. Being squicked by a more common form of sex is similar, and probably something individuals who experience it need to work out with their partners. I don't see how an obscure label for them would help, especially when it isn't coming from a community of such people themselves.

How do we decide the difference between an orientation and a preference? If a man is attracted only to women who enjoy having their feet romanced and desired, then his foot fetish/preference is what shapes his gray-asexuality. His preference and his lack of attraction to most women are inseparably connected. There is no way to make a distinction between the preference and the orientation in this case, since they are so much entangled with each other.

On the other hand, being with women who enjoy foot romancing would only be a preference and not an orientation, if for example he were equally attracted to two different women, but chose the woman who was open to foot romancing. In this situation, if neither woman enjoyed foot romancing, then he would "possibly" still choose one or both women, since he is attracted to them regardless of his foot fetish/preference.

I described the above not to advocate that an orientation title be created for non-penetrative sex, but just to point out the frequent difficulty in separating preferences from orientations. In many cases, we cannot clearly distinguish between the two, since the preference and orientation are intimately connected in the person's asexuality. If someone's asexuality is dominated by and inseparably connected with a particular preference or fetish, then I don't think it is fair or compassionate to scold that person for referring to it as an orientation. For that person, their entire life may revolve around their fetish and the gray-asexuality that results from it. So, what right do we have to declare that it is not an orientation?

My suggestion is that we stop putting so much effort into debating what and how much terminology should be used, and instead find a way to describe ourselves that causes less confusion, less arguing, and more acceptance in this community.

[Star Bit]

I already said i agreed it shouldn't be an orientation but a detail like non-libidoist or sex-repulsed.

[Lydian]

Snipping to avoid this post getting excessively long. My apologies for misunderstanding you are "impotent" and not "sex-repulsed". You seem to take that way out of hand despite you being incredibly vague. Defensive implies I have anything to actually defend myself from....which I certainly don't. I'm only trying to explain to you why a "new system" is pointless and unnecessary. You thinking it is is hardly a threat to me.

You're not suggesting new categories or words, just that somehow we need to more accurately describe ourselves because orientations don't cover literally everything. Which means....what? Orientation isn't supposed to cover all aspects of your sexuality. It's broad because that's all it's meant to be. Anything, such as orientation, that is going to encompass a large group of people, is going to have a lot of differences between the people it describes. They're not meant to tell you everything about a person's sexuality, nor should they have to. There's no need for it and if it is needed, it's better to explain in actual conversation rather than through an "efficient system", precisely because we are all so different.

I continued as I was about words because, despite you saying you've changed your mind, you continue to go on that orientation doesn't cover anything and then go on about some vague idea of us needing a new system while somehow not inventing and new words. What is this apparent system? You haven't given any insight into this other than setting up AVEN like a dating site with questions means specifically to match you to a suitable partner. Which AVEN is not. Such things aren't really important unless you ARE looking for a compatible partner, and that's not what AVEN is for nor would it be needed in most situations.

To make sure I'm understanding your vague rambling correctly, you've basically veered off from wanting a new orientation and have steered somehow instead into thinking AVEN needs a new system in which we super accurately define all of our sexual preferences and finer points of our sexuality directly on our profile so that people can know all of that information at a glance? Because that's what I'm getting here.

[ithaca]

I can't bring myself to give oral, but I love receiving it. I imagine how complicated a label for that would be :P (hint: do not want one, thanks)

[Alejandrogynous]

AwkwardGuy - I'm sorry, did AVEN suddenly become a dating site? I get that it is a forum designed to be a community and to help us all meet people, but to want it all laid out like OKCupid seems a bit ridiculous to me. Profiles aren't clear enough on a person's particular brand of asexualty? Here's a crazy idea - talk to them. It seems like it would be extremely unhelpful if, instead of creating an area where we can all talk to each other, AVEN was set up instead to swipe left or right.

(Also, if this is your entire arguement and all you want is for AVEN to change its set-up to make it easier for you to make snap judgements about people, I think you are having a different conversation than the rest of the people in this thread.)

You're not suggesting new categories or words, just that somehow we need to more accurately describe ourselves because orientations don't cover literally everything. Which means....what? Orientation isn't supposed to cover all aspects of your sexuality. It's broad because that's all it's meant to be. Anything, such as orientation, that is going to encompass a large group of people, is going to have a lot of differences between the people it describes. They're not meant to tell you everything about a person's sexuality, nor should they have to. There's no need for it and if it is needed, it's better to explain in actual conversation rather than through an "efficient system", precisely because we are all so different.

And this, because Tuan got there first and said it better than I would have anyway. :)

[Emsie holiday]

I don't really think I'm in the right place here really - I was hoping to find a comforting group that realised sex wasn't important in life now - as I find penetrave sex repulsive - and I was hoping to chat with folks regardless of sex - without sexual referances ... but like 'going on a diet' makes many folks think about food.......so it seems you are all talking at quite graphic levels of the S word and it literaaly makes me physically ill ... So nice to see you but I'm out as ;- as I said I can't even begin with all the sexual refs here - I'm here because of childhood trauma and so any sex refs are too much for me ...- was hoping for chat without all that but people are obsessed with it or without it !

[ithaca]

I don't really think I'm in the right place here really - I was hoping to find a comforting group that realised sex wasn't important in life now - as I find penetrave sex repulsive - and I was hoping to chat with folks regardless of sex - without sexual referances ... but like 'going on a diet' makes many folks think about food.......so it seems you are all talking at quite graphic levels of the S word and it literaaly makes me physically ill ... So nice to see you but I'm out as ;- as I said I can't even begin with all the sexual refs here - I'm here because of childhood trauma and so any sex refs are too much for me ...- was hoping for chat without all that but people are obsessed with it or without it !

Hey there,

First of all welcome to AVEN

Sorry your first visit wasn't what you expected. You'll find plenty of areas of this forum where sex isn't discussed much if at all. Check out the Community or Discussion part (Just For Fun, Meetup Mart, Philosophy, Off-A, etc). This forum is for The Gray Area and Sex Related Discussions. You might want to check out other parts of AVEN :)

Hope you stay!

[Alejandrogynous]

How do we decide the difference between an orientation and a preference? If a man is attracted only to women who enjoy having their feet romanced and desired, then his foot fetish/preference is what shapes his gray-asexuality. His preference and his lack of attraction to most women are inseparably connected. There is no way to make a distinction between the preference and the orientation in this case, since they are so much entangled with each other.

On the other hand, being with women who enjoy foot romancing would only be a preference and not an orientation, if for example he were equally attracted to two different women, but chose the woman who was open to foot romancing. In this situation, if neither woman enjoyed foot romancing, then he would "possibly" still choose one or both women, since he is attracted to them regardless of his foot fetish/preference.

I described the above not to advocate that an orientation title be created for non-penetrative sex, but just to point out the frequent difficulty in separating preferences from orientations. In many cases, we cannot clearly distinguish between the two, since the preference and orientation are intimately connected in the person's asexuality. If someone's asexuality is dominated by and inseparably connected with a particular preference or fetish, then I don't think it is fair or compassionate to scold that person for referring to it as an orientation. For that person, their entire life may revolve around their fetish and the gray-asexuality that results from it. So, what right do we have to declare that it is not an orientation?

My suggestion is that we stop putting so much effort into debating what and how much terminology should be used, and instead find a way to describe ourselves that causes less confusion, less arguing, and more acceptance in this community.

Then he is a straight man with a fetish. You just said it. In order to be a fetish by definition, one must be unable to feel arousal or reach orgasm without that one particular something, so a fetish by nature obviously has an extreme influence on a person's sexuality. It doesn't require another name or classification, though, because it already has one - a fetish. And in your example, the person is only attracted to women accompanied by the foot romance so his orientation would still be straight.

That isn't to say that he can't identify as grey-A if he wants to, and can't relate to the asexual community and be a part of it, but orientation refers to what gender you are attracted to, not what said person has to do to turn you on.

[Guest]

I can't bring myself to give oral, but I love receiving it. I imagine how complicated a label for that would be :P (hint: do not want one, thanks)

WHY HELLO ;)

[AwkwardGuy]

My apologies for misunderstanding you are "impotent" and not "sex-repulsed". You seem to take that way out of hand despite you being incredibly vague.

I was vague about my impotence issue because my impotence issue is not the focus of this thread. If I want to explain my impotence and how it relates to my asexuality, then I will create a separate thread for that.

Defensive implies I have anything to actually defend myself from....which I certainly don't. I'm only trying to explain to you why a "new system" is pointless and unnecessary. You thinking it is is hardly a threat to me.

A new system being pointless and unnecessary is your opinion, and you are entitled to your opinion. However, I personally don't think that the current system works well, and I believe that my opinions and ideas are valid as well.

You're not suggesting new categories or words, just that somehow we need to more accurately describe ourselves because orientations don't cover literally everything. Which means....what? Orientation isn't supposed to cover all aspects of your sexuality. It's broad because that's all it's meant to be. Anything, such as orientation, that is going to encompass a large group of people, is going to have a lot of differences between the people it describes. They're not meant to tell you everything about a person's sexuality, nor should they have to. There's no need for it and if it is needed, it's better to explain in actual conversation rather than through an "efficient system", precisely because we are all so different.

I don't agree with this. I've been on many topic based social networks, and the more descriptive the profile system, the more productive the personal interactions become. People come here to discuss and better understand their asexuality. For that reason alone, the "initial" description of our asexuality should be more informative. I'm not saying that we need to include every detail, but just that it is too minimal at this point.

When I look at multiple profiles, most of them look the same to me regarding asexuality, since there is very little difference between profiles, except for the vague labels. Many of the profiles use the same 3 or 4 labels, which are all very vague. Most people don't have the time or desire to send inquiries to every member profile they come across, and so providing more information on the profiles would be helpful. It would provide more opportunities for people with similar interests to find each other and connect.

I'm not saying to get rid of the labels. I'm just saying that there should be more information on the profiles, and this could be accomplished by including targeted information blocks to describe ourselves, such as "Describe your ideal relationship/friendship, if applicable," "Describe your likes and dislikes regarding sex and/or romance," "Describe the challenges of your past and/or present friendships and relationships," "Describe what most concerns you about your asexuality," etc. Those are just some quick ideas, but they would provide a LOT of information.

I continued as I was about words because, despite you saying you've changed your mind, you continue to go on that orientation doesn't cover anything and then go on about some vague idea of us needing a new system while somehow not inventing and new words.

I don't think this is what happened. I think that you skimmed through my post and misread it as a result.

If you needed clarification, then you should have just asked me to go into more detail about my ideas, rather than be nasty about it.

To make sure I'm understanding your vague rambling correctly, you've basically veered off from wanting a new orientation and have steered somehow instead into thinking AVEN needs a new system in which we super accurately define all of our sexual preferences and finer points of our sexuality directly on our profile so that people can know all of that information at a glance? Because that's what I'm getting here.

I never said that we need to "super accurately" define our sexual preferences. I referred you to other sites, so you would be able to visuaize what I was talking about.

There really was no need for your insult about me rambling. If you don't understand something I said, then be nice and ask me for clarification. Being nice has many benefits.

[Guest]

I'm just saying that there should be more information on the profiles, and this could be accomplished by including targeted information blocks to describe ourselves, such as "Describe your ideal relationship/friendship, if applicable," "Describe your likes and dislikes regarding sex or romance," "Describe the challenges of your past and/or present friendships and relationships," "Describe what most concerns you about your asexuality," etc. Those are just some quick ideas, but they would provide a LOT of information.

AVEN isn't an asexual companion catalogue. Want to know someone? Talk to them. Inanimate objects and playboy bunnies are the things I can think of off the top of my head that come accompanied with a data sheet of attributes.

[AwkwardGuy]

That isn't to say that he can't identify as grey-A if he wants to, and can't relate to the asexual community and be a part of it, but orientation refers to what gender you are attracted to, not what said person has to do to turn you on.

Orientation is not always used to describe the same thing here. On the profile, we are only asked to describe our Asexuaity. So, people add a variety of different things there, some referring to their gender or gender preference, and others referring to something else, such as being sexually repulsed. This is confusing.

[AwkwardGuy]

AVEN isn't an asexual companion catalogue. Want to know someone? Talk to them. Inanimate objects and playboy bunnies are the things I can think of off the top of my head that come accompanied with a data sheet of attributes.

I never implied that it was a companion catalog. However, this is a social forum/social network, and people like to meet others and interact. I did not say anything about a data sheet.

[AwkwardGuy]

AwkwardGuy - I'm sorry, did AVEN suddenly become a dating site? I get that it is a forum designed to be a community and to help us all meet people, but to want it all laid out like OKCupid seems a bit ridiculous to me. Profiles aren't clear enough on a person's particular brand of asexualty? Here's a crazy idea - talk to them. It seems like it would be extremely unhelpful if, instead of creating an area where we can all talk to each other, AVEN was set up instead to swipe left or right.

(Also, if this is your entire arguement and all you want is for AVEN to change its set-up to make it easier for you to make snap judgements about people, I think you are having a different conversation than the rest of the people in this thread.)

I did not say this was a dating site. I was referring to the profile pages of those sites, just because they are well designed in my opinion.

I'm not making judgements. I merely suggested some ideas and gave my opinions, but for whatever reason, I'm receiving a very hostile reaction here, as has been the case with other posts I've submitted. I've never received a reaction like this on other sites. I don't undertand it. Why all the hostility? People are offended because I'm suggesting some ideas. Is there some kind of chain of authority here, where only some people are allowed to express opinions? Do I need to be part of some kind of in-crowd to express ideas?

I would not spend all this time posting here if it was just for my convenience. I would just go somewhere else. You don't know me at all, but yet you are making judgments about me.

For your information, I talk with many people here.

Don't worry, this will be the last time I suggest any ideas about possible improvements to the site.

[Guest]

I did not say anything about a data sheet.

No, you simply described one instead.

[AwkwardGuy]

I did not say anything about a data sheet.

No, you simply described one instead.

No I did not. A data sheet is something like a spreadsheet or a database that contains pieces of data. I know this, since I was a database developer.

I was suggesting a few "informative" blocks of text to better describe ourselves. I'm not suggesting something bizarre. This is done on many sites.

[Guest]

If you have ideas on how to improve the site, may I suggest bringing the topic to site comments instead?

[Guest]

Frankly I cant accept that not wanting to have penetrative sex as an orientation. It has nothing to do with who you are attracted to. It's just how you prefer to have sex. Like kinks and fetishes, not everything for everyone. Being squicked by a more common form of sex is similar, and probably something individuals who experience it need to work out with their partners. I don't see how an obscure label for them would help, especially when it isn't coming from a community of such people themselves.

How do we decide the difference between an orientation and a preference? If a man is attracted only to women who enjoy having their feet romanced and desired, then his foot fetish/preference is what shapes his gray-asexuality. His preference and his lack of attraction to most women are inseparably connected. There is no way to make a distinction between the preference and the orientation in this case, since they are so much entangled with each other.

On the other hand, being with women who enjoy foot romancing would only be a preference and not an orientation, if for example he were equally attracted to two different women, but chose the woman who was open to foot romancing. In this situation, if neither woman enjoyed foot romancing, then he would "possibly" still choose one or both women, since he is attracted to them regardless of his foot fetish/preference.

I described the above not to advocate that an orientation title be created for non-penetrative sex, but just to point out the frequent difficulty in separating preferences from orientations. In many cases, we cannot clearly distinguish between the two, since the preference and orientation are intimately connected in the person's asexuality. If someone's asexuality is dominated by and inseparably connected with a particular preference or fetish, then I don't think it is fair or compassionate to scold that person for referring to it as an orientation. For that person, their entire life may revolve around their fetish and the gray-asexuality that results from it. So, what right do we have to declare that it is not an orientation?

My suggestion is that we stop putting so much effort into debating what and how much terminology should be used, and instead find a way to describe ourselves that causes less confusion, less arguing, and more acceptance in this community.

(you just had to go with a foot fetish, didn't ya? Thats one of the biggest NOPEs for me yikes)

Okay as far as I know, a kink is a preference while a fetish must be present in order for the fetishist to be fully content.

So the man is a fetishist, and however he forms sexual/romantic attraction could be defined under grey-a, demisexual, heterosexual, pansexual, etc. Likely, he would consider his fetish a key component of his sexuality and present it as such. However 'creating' a specific "foot fetishist sexual orientation" is unneccessary because the framework already exists by which he can identify. He's a gray-ace with a foot fetish, by your own description.

The nature of a fetish is that it is a dominant component of someone's sexuality.

Orientation is about who generally you're attracted to. Fetishes are about very specific behaviors, situations and individuals.

And again, just creating orientations for the sake of theory is useless. If a legitimate community of individuals who share a common experience wish to define themselves, let them. Even if we came up with a label for these individuals here, they would likely disregard it and create their own term in their own community. The asexual community created its label naturally, just as every other commonly recognized sexual minority has done.

[Alejandrogynous]

Orientation is not always used to describe the same thing here. On the profile, we are only asked to describe our Asexuaity. So, people add a variety of different things there, some referring to their gender or gender preference, and others referring to something else, such as being sexually repulsed. This is confusing.

But you realize we're talking about real life here in regards to orientation and labels, not really the AVEN profiles. You are the only one talking about that. We (at least I) am not even necessarily talking just about asexuality, but all sexual orientations. (Or romantic, etc.) And they are meant to be vague have a broad scope.

If you have suggestions for the site, I'm pretty sure there is a separate forum called Site Comments for that. This thread was a discussion about how people use these concepts in real life.

As for making judgements, you essentially said that you want the AVEN profiles to be more thorough with a list of questions (yes, like a dating site), because looking through everyone's vague profiles is just too time-consuming and inconvenient for you and you want to sift through them more efficiently. Which implies that you want to be able to 'know' a person without even talking to them, just to make your time easier in finding.. whoever it is you're looking for. Or did I infer incorrectly?

Edit: for word adjustment.

[Star Bit]

That isn't to say that he can't identify as grey-A if he wants to, and can't relate to the asexual community and be a part of it, but orientation refers to what gender you are attracted to, not what said person has to do to turn you on.

Orientation is not always used to describe the same thing here. On the profile, we are only asked to describe our Asexuaity. So, people add a variety of different things there, some referring to their gender or gender preference, and others referring to something else, such as being sexually repulsed. This is confusing.

As i said, orientation is technically right against anything. So out of technicality mentioning libidoist/non-libidoist or sex-repulsion and the like is valid.

o·ri·en·ta·tion

ˌôrēənˈtāSH(ə)n/

noun

1. the determination of the relative position of something or someone (especially oneself).

   "the child's surroundings provide clues to help in orientation"

   • the relative physical position or direction of something.

     plural noun: orientations

     "two complex shapes, presented in different orientations"

     synonyms: positioning, location, position, situation, placement, alignment

     "the orientation of the radar station"

[Sally]

AVEN isn't an asexual companion catalogue. Want to know someone? Talk to them. Inanimate objects and playboy bunnies are the things I can think of off the top of my head that come accompanied with a data sheet of attributes.

I never implied that it was a companion catalog. However, this is a social forum/social network, and people like to meet others and interact. I did not say anything about a data sheet.

People will describe themselves in whatever detail they wish. If they don't wish any detail, they needn't include it. As many above have said, if you're curious or confused, then ask someone; don't expect to learn everything about that person from their profile. It really does sound like you want AVEN to be a dating site.

[Ricecream-man]

AwkwardGuy, as has been said this is not a dating site, so the way I look at it having those parameters embedded or searchable is unnecessary.

If you're looking to meet up there is a meet up thread.

If you want to see how they define themselves, their profiles allow them to add as much or as little detail as they want.

If you're looking for people who identify like you, then you can make a thread. I understand what you're trying to say, but it doesn't seem necessary considering the focus of the site.

I don't really think I'm in the right place here really - I was hoping to find a comforting group that realised sex wasn't important in life now - as I find penetrave sex repulsive - and I was hoping to chat with folks regardless of sex - without sexual referances ... but like 'going on a diet' makes many folks think about food.......so it seems you are all talking at quite graphic levels of the S word and it literaaly makes me physically ill ... So nice to see you but I'm out as ;- as I said I can't even begin with all the sexual refs here - I'm here because of childhood trauma and so any sex refs are too much for me ...- was hoping for chat without all that but people are obsessed with it or without it !

As had been said, this is a forum that does include sex. If that's something you explicitly don't want to see then you should stick to the other forums. There are all kinds of asexuals here as well as sexuals who either interested in asexuality or partnered with an asexual

The other forums that aren't geared towards sex are really good about keeping it out of the discussions.

I can't bring myself to give oral, but I love receiving it. I imagine how complicated a label for that would be :P (hint: do not want one, thanks)

WHY HELLO ;)

DOWN SKULLS DOWN! :P

[Guest]

I can't bring myself to give oral, but I love receiving it. I imagine how complicated a label for that would be :P (hint: do not want one, thanks)

I'm the opposite. I hate recieving oral, hate the way it feels even if I'm aroused, blergh.. I hate the way any touch or stimulation of my genitals feels.. but I do love giving oral. Well, I have come to love the idea of it since discovering asexuality in 2013, haven't actually had a chance to do it with anyone since discovering it's one of my fetishes - due to the fluids involved - but would love to do it if given the chance with the right person. Never enjoyed it in the past as it was always just something I did in the hopes of getting out of penetrative sex lol) .. Wonder what sort of special label someone like me would have :p

[Guest]

I think Skulls and ith just became either my new OTP, or my new Batman/Robin duet (I overthought this a bit and somehow ended up with them as a crimefighting team).

Anyway I should go off and write stories where skulls and ith fight against Deep Dish Danny (think early batman tv show campy villain who's goal is to make all pizzas chicago style deep dish...with lots of toppings that nobody likes, his henchmen are dressed as anchovies) and...well, that's all I got so far.

BACK ON TOPIC AND I'M PUTTING THIS IN A SPOILER BECAUSE IT GETS WEIRD

I'm one of those weird people that like oral (both giving AND receiving but this is more about the giving part) more than penetrative sex. I feel more in control with oral (I like both but I like giving sliiiightly better for that reason and now that I think of it, it's probably where a lot of my sexual preferences come from). I don't think I need a label for that, it's just a sexual preference on my end.

Wow this post made me REALLY think about my sexuality in a good way and writing this out actually helped me learn a lot about it. But I don't think I need a name for any part of this realization besides what already exists. Anybody who reads this understands exactly what "I like being THE person in control when I'm with my partner" means.

[AwkwardGuy]

If you have suggestions for the site, I'm pretty sure there is a separate forum called Site Comments for that. This thread was a discussion about how people use these concepts in real life.

As for making judgements, you essentially said that you want the AVEN profiles to be more thorough with a list of questions (yes, like a dating site), because looking through everyone's vague profiles is just too time-consuming and inconvenient for you and you want to sift through them more efficiently. Which implies that you want to be able to 'know' a person without even talking to them, just to make your time easier in finding.. whoever it is you're looking for. Or did I infer incorrectly?

I did not intend to start a discussion on suggestions for the site. The conversation led into that because of the debate over labels.

I did not say that I want to "completely" know a person without talking with them. I'm just saying that I'm not comfortable randomly contacting people without knowing "anything" about them, and there are many others like me. I'm an introvert, and it is not easy for me to just start a conversation when I know nothing about a person, and when I have no knowledge of having anything in common with them.

In my personal experience, when I contact people who have nothing in common with me, it is extremely likely that they will either not respond to me or stop responding within one or two exchanges of messages. Several times here, I've initiated private conversations with members who "appeared" to be interested in communicating. I spent a lot of time revealing things about myself and inquiring about them, but yet they suddenly stopped responding to me. I probably spent a total of 6 hours opening up to them through my letters, only to be ignored. So yes, it was a waste of time, and my feelings were hurt.

Given my negative experiences here, why would I want to contact someone if I have no indication that we have a common interest regarding asexuality? Generally, there is no reason or motivation for me to do that, and I'm sure that many others feel the same way. The exception would be to help someone who is seeking compassion or advice that I think I'm able to provide, or if someone is acting very friendly towards me, which has not been the case since I've become a member. Thus far, this has been one of the most unfriendly social networks I've ever belonged to. Several people have been very rude to me, just because I've given my thoughts and opinions. And yes, I've tried to be friendly with several people just to be nice, but that was met with indifference.

You inferred incorrectly about me. Look at my almost 90 posts here, I hardly ever talk about myself. I try to help people too. You are the one being judgemental. My posts are being taken out of context. You've labeled me as someone who is here for his own benefit only. You have me all wrong. I love helping people and I love contributing.

[ithaca]

I think Skulls and ith just became either my new OTP, or my new Batman/Robin duet (I overthought this a bit and somehow ended up with them as a crimefighting team).

Anyway I should go off and write stories where skulls and ith fight against Deep Dish Danny (think early batman tv show campy villain who's goal is to make all pizzas chicago style deep dish...with lots of toppings that nobody likes, his henchmen are dressed as anchovies) and...well, that's all I got so far.

Well, where did the oral sex go? :o Isn't that why you paired us up? :P

BACK ON TOPIC AND I'M PUTTING THIS IN A SPOILER BECAUSE IT GETS WEIRD

I'm one of those weird people that like oral (both giving AND receiving but this is more about the giving part) more than penetrative sex. I feel more in control with oral (I like both but I like giving sliiiightly better for that reason and now that I think of it, it's probably where a lot of my sexual preferences come from). I don't think I need a label for that, it's just a sexual preference on my end.

Wow this post made me REALLY think about my sexuality in a good way and writing this out actually helped me learn a lot about it. But I don't think I need a name for any part of this realization besides what already exists. Anybody who reads this understands exactly what "I like being THE person in control when I'm with my partner" means.

Oh I DEFINITELY prefer oral to penetrative sex. I just feel very little with penetrative sex, and it's not even always a little pleasure, sometimes it's just uncomfortable. And mind, I'm not talking of penis-in-vagina penetration. It just does nothing to me. But that, that I like giving, more than receiving ;)

[Ricecream-man]

*pulls his male bodied self out of this section of the discussion*

:P

[Guest]

I think Skulls and ith just became either my new OTP, or my new Batman/Robin duet (I overthought this a bit and somehow ended up with them as a crimefighting team).

Anyway I should go off and write stories where skulls and ith fight against Deep Dish Danny (think early batman tv show campy villain who's goal is to make all pizzas chicago style deep dish...with lots of toppings that nobody likes, his henchmen are dressed as anchovies) and...well, that's all I got so far.

Well, where did the oral sex go? :o Isn't that why you paired us up? :P

Ith, I know you know I'll fight crime with you anytime :D