So upset.. What do you look for in a relationship? (TW: self harm, drugs, abuse, rape)

[MissLunarWolf]

You can skip to the end, if you don't want to read my rant :P

I recently broke up with the only guy I've EVER been attracted to ... Seriously, the only good thing that came from all this is the fact that I may be Demi..

We had only known each other for a few weeks before we started "dating", but we hung out every day since the day we met. But by that time, we already discovered that we had a lot in common. We laughed all the time together. We had a similar sense of humour, liked the same kind of games.. He was beautiful, mystical and rare; like a unicorn.. But sadly it was not meant to be.

(Probably TMI + Trigger Warnings: self harm, drugs, abuse, rape)

We had become best friends in such a short span of time. We "knew" each other, we understood each other (or so I thought)... I started drinking almost every day while I was with him (because he and his friends drink a LOT every day). I hate booze; I hate what it does to people and how it makes me feel. He was a very angry drunk, and a mistrusting person in general. He was so very jealous and possessive of me, and he didn't trust anyone. He still had feelings for his ex (who cheated/used him twice). He would get really upset with me when other people would complement me, and demand that I kiss him wherever and whenever he wanted. And if I didn't, he would feel "hurt". I felt like he was manipulating me, making me feel sorry for him, and making me want to do things that would avoid him feeling hurt or upset. But he never thought about how uncomfortable that made me feel. He made me cry 2 times in the 2 weeks we were dating; and both nights: I (sadly) ended up without a shirt on, and feeling guilty for things that were not my fault. He is emotionally unstable: he cuts himself as an adult. He has no goals or ambitions for the future. He drinks every day. He has a pull to coke (even though he apparently doesn't do that kind of stuff anymore), and he said I have good veins for heroin... This led to me having doubts about the relationship.

He knew I was asexual, and he said that he felt asexual too (which, I soon found out, wasn't true <_<), but he was upset whenever I didn't want to do the (sexual-ish) things he wanted us to do. So I went along with his wants (always a little past the point of me feeling "comfortable"), feeling like I was doing something wrong. I told him that I didn't feel comfortable, but he just kept on pushing, and pushing, and pushing... Because it was "normal", and it was "Okay".

I took some time away, and thought a lot about what I wanted in a relationship. And I decided that all I didn't know what I wanted in a relationship. But all I knew, was that I wasn't happy in this one.. I had been raped in a past relationship (this is the first time I've told anyone..), and I could see that this relationship had a good chance of the past repeating itself. He had already overpowered me in a drunken rage once, and I was fearful of him. Fearful, because he could do it again, only take it further.

The next time I saw him, it was like I saw a whole different person. It was as if all those feelings I had, had disappeared over the course of days, and that I was 100% AroAce with him (I am not Aromantic). I didn't want him to ever touch me again. I was upset how I had bent over backwards to trying to cater to his insecurities, to make him happy. But how he had never once put my feelings before his ("animalistic") impulses.

Do you think he would have ever changed?... Does anyone else have experience dating/being around people like this?

Well now I'm upset. Wondering if I will ever find anyone... I wouldn't be too upset if I ended up alone forever. I'd just rather have a partner in crime to go on adventures with.

I'm wondering: What do you look for in a relationship? Please share your list:

My personal list:

He'd have to:

- Be crazy about me + be my best friend

- Be kind, thoughtful, caring (to everyone), intelligent, funny, honest, genuine

- Have dreams + ambitions

- Be on a similar wavelength as me (ie. positive, happy, artist, etc.)

- We'd have to have similar interests/hobbies and a love of adventure

- Be active, and a talker ( I can't be around people who don't talk)

[comeondieyoung]

Being with someone who's also a best friend is a big one for me, although that may be because I'm demi

It'd help to have my 'counterpart' so to speak; since I don't talk much, I'd like for him to be more talkative

And of course be caring, honest, and thoughtful of other people

[ThaHoward]

I don't really have a set of "template". For me, if it happens, it happens. It's more of an "invisible" hand, but again I'm not that traditional when it comes to romance (and generally hate the idea of a "normal" relationship) so perhaps that's why I don't have made out my mind about how it should be and not be.

And for the rest of your post, I'm really sorry you went through all that. Hope you'll get over it (and have someone to talk to if it's needed) and that you'll one day find someone who will be good to you - you deserve that. Or that you're happy "alone" too of course ^_^ But yeah, sorry that these things happened and before you know it you've find your partner in crime :)

[ellastokes]

Don't take my word as fact, but I think that he has some serious issues that lead him to not having ambitions, and being a drunkard, and all of that stuff. And he just is not trying to fix those deep issues. So no, I don't think he'll ever change if he can't see the root of his problem and get motivated to change it himself.

You can tell by his addictive behavior that he wants a quick fix without going through any uncomfortable stuff; rather it's a shot or whiskey, or a girlfriend who makes him feel elated like he's worth something for a while. He wants to escape. If he can keep finding ways to escape, he will cling to those feel-good things and use them as a crutch, but they can never solve his problems. Only he can force himself to wake up and smell his own bullshit. No one can help someone who doesn't wanna be helped.

I wanna marry a book, and a very isolated, comfortable and quiet island in which to read it. That is my otp, my bae.

[Star Bit]

There is a meetup section on this site; look for one in your area or create your own, and there are asexual dating sites.

[Tetus]

I'm really sorry to hear that this happened to you - the one aspect of people I never understand is when they lack a basic sense of decency towards others.

On the one hand, you should know that that kind of behavior is not universal, and no one deserves to be treated badly, so there's no reason for you to stay in a situation where you don't feel happy (and far more importantly, safe).

On the other, I think I understand the reluctance to pass up what seems like a unique opportunity. Everyone is weird in their own way, and finding someone whose weirdness meshes with your own can feel like a once in a lifetime chance. Worse, you can get the feeling that if this time, this person that seemed so perfect for you turned out to not work, how would any kind of relationship ever work in the future? Someone takes you at face value, accepts you, and then - still it goes bad.

I don't pretend to have figured it out, but that kind of thinking seems like a trap. Sometimes things are worth doing because the alternative is worse: going to work, paying your bills, whatever. But things like who you spend your time with, and who you let close to you? You should be doing that because it makes you happier.

Ultimately, I think that every real relationship has to be built on trust. If you can't trust someone, I don't see how you can hope to build anything with them. Real trust is one of the most intimate things you can offer someone, and betraying that trust is one of the most terrible things short of outright abuse we can do to one another as people.

[Frigid Pink]

I don't have a list of characteristics, however, I do have a list of deal-breakers (not accepting my (a)sexuality is on there). I desire healthy relationships, therefore, my general requirements are intimacy, commitment, consistency, balance, progression, and shared values, plus love, care, trust, and respect (http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-landmarks-of-healthy-relationships/).