How do you know you "love" someone?

[Windmaedchen]

Hi,

I'm Windmaedchen and new to this Forum. I have a question to... possibly older Asexuals (or very confident Asexuals who know what they're feeling) in regards to "loving" someone. Though anyone can throw in their thoughts, too, really. :)

I see myself as asexual (and actually pretty aromantic, too), despite the fact I had sexual relations during two (and only) short phases of being infatuated. And while I had those experiences, I cannot truly say whether I did so because I actually felt attraction or just... wanted to bond in a special way and considered sex the only way to do so due to the "that's how you love people" message from the worlds current public, social understanding of love. (It didn't feel too bad, I'm certainly not sex or romance repulsed.)

And here comes my question:
This second subject of infatuation is still my boyfriend currently. Simply because I never thought it was needed to break up. But after around 1 1/2 years the symptoms of infatuation faded away completely and now I am left with a ... boyfriend, whom I never want to touch again because that .. bit of sexual attraction and/or desire I had for him during the initial stages of our relationship disappeared.
So, how on earth do I now know whether I still love him or not?

I have mentioned it above already, but the concept of love is a human constuct and changes with time ... and obviously every person has their own idea of love, too. But if I don't feel the desire to be with the person I "love" in a sensual/sexual way... and also don't want to have children with, or even marry (because what's the point of all these without the sex part?) ... then how would I know I "love" them compared to just see them as friends? (Especially as I DID engage in sexual activity with him, and willingly so, even if only for but a very few times).
Am I just desperate for measurable and undeniable true facts that confirm "love"? Because some sort of inner voice or just knowing, never worked for me. Or am I afraid to let go of the idea of "love" that I currently hold and must face that I don't "love" the way heros and heroines in books do? Do I needlessly fuss about something that isn't worth the fussing? xD
I do not know at all... but the idea that I might not "love" people after all is saddening. It seems I just am plagued by occasional biological reactions and them am left with the feeling of having done something only half right. :/

So how do you guys

a) determine that you "love" someone without the sexual parts?
and

b) how did you come to terms with your new way of "loving" or not "loving" people?

Many thanks and kind regards to everone. :)

[fish of hearts]

For me, love means caring deeply for that other person, being concerned with their well-being, having an interest in them and their future, and feeling that their thoughts and opinions matter, even when I disagree with them. The varying degrees with which I want and am able to be a part of their present and future and how physically close I want and am able* to be to them tend to be the guide for my labels (less so for friend than for partner).

I'm a very sensual and romantic person, and I do occasionally experience infatuation—with the stomach full of butterflies and all—but I strongly feel that falling in love, even when I use the idiom freely, is not the same as loving someone. Infatuation is a lovely feeling and is good for starting the initial bonding phase for a relationship, but it rarely lasts more than three years at the maximum, so I don't recommend using those feelings as any kind of guide. I much prefer Antoine De Saint-Exupery's definition in this case: "Love is not just looking at each other, it’s looking in the same direction." At that point, love is less about feelings and more about action.

Also, welcome to AVEN! ^_^

* The difficulties of long-distance relationships, especially for serious couples who intend to reunite in the future, are dangerously downplayed in romantic culture.

[Star Bit]

People can still platonically love their partner when they break up. Their reason for breaking up would be that they just don't feel romantically anymore. Love and being in-love are also two different things and not the same thing as romantic attraction. Infatuation typically dies out but romantic attraction still remains.

As said, love is simply about really caring for someone, but the difference between its romantic and platonic version is minute and an emotion so it's left up to your interpretation. Being in-love is also different because it's about being strongly dedicated, obsessive, needing the person, etc. Some may even say being in love is secondary and what eventually will remain is just strong romantic attraction. Some start with romantic attraction that progresses to love, that progresses to being in love, that degresses to just a strong romantic attraction and love. Others start with being in love and degrade to love and romantic attraction. According to AVEN "Romantic attraction is a very difficult thing to pin down. Put as simply as possible, it is a distinct fondness or affection toward someone that differs from what you would feel toward friends, family, or people you admire. It may be characterized by a unique, almost surreal anxious-euphoria when sensing or thinking about this person and is distinguishable from hero worship. It typically involves butterflies in the stomach, heart fluttering or “melting” when interacting with them, some obsessiveness, all over warm and fuzzy feeling, and being swept into a dreamy state of mind, but experiences may vary depending on the individual and intensity of the case. Desires such as wanting to bond or be physically close with them are extremely common when experiencing romantic attraction, but there is no desire exclusive to romantic attraction, nor are desires necessarily present at all when being romantically attracted to someone."

So with all the variations that are possible in a romantic relationship; wants, unwants, mental responses, etc., it's left up to an emotion, and emotions don't translate well into words so it's then left up to your own interpretation. But it at least involves soft/fuzzy feelings and some degree of fixation (at least out of comparison to how you are toward other people).

[VanGhost]

Most relationships are exciting at the start. Lasting relationships go through all phases. Exciting and spontaneous at first and then transitions to the boring and mundane at times.

If you are questioning whether or not you are in love...then its probably a sign not to commit and to explore your options. If you haven't figured it out then you need more experiences to focus in on your "definition" of love and what it means to you. Don't compare to other people, its different for everyone.

Love isn't just about warm fuzzy feelings and genuine relationships take work and cooperation.

[Windmaedchen]

Hello,

thanks for your comments. It just seems to be as complicated as I thought it was. D:

I think I just struggle with the thought that I may just never use those famous words of "I love you" or "I'm in love with you", because I just never "feel" like it's in line with my inner side. Unless I am going through infatuation, which I find more annoying and hardly a trustworthy state of being.

I day-dream a lot and I explore in that way all sorts of emotions... Romance and Love are big topics in my dreams which I enjoy experiencing and I seem to be able to feel and understand a lot of different nuances of it there. But then I also live my life, and there I am asexual and aromantic and the only taste of real-life romance I had was when my body was affected by infatuation, which not only confused me in terms of what I identify as (do those expections make my general identity invalid?), but also saddens me because I personally seem unable to live up to those dreams I have and see myself in. xD

Well, my current boyfriend is my current boyfriend. There is no reason why I should not consider him as that. But I have none of those "sensations" that would confirm me that I do indeed feel something special for him. Maybe, the fact that we're having a long-distance internet relationship is of importance here.

I suppose I'll have to just keep living and making experiences, as VanGhost suggested. :)
Thanks again for your views!

[borealmist]

I'm not sure there's such a binary distinction to be made, at least I can't find it in myself. If I had to make a binary distinction matching my impression of what's generally considered love you actually allude to the defining factor in your first post; it would be how you act when you 'need' to break up. If we look at the bonds of 'love' that are without a doubt in that definition, such as a parents love for a child, it's a bond that will keep people (often physically) together and caring for each other far beyond the point where it's a significant drain on them as a person and into the territory where it's unbearable and sometimes even mutually destructive.

Of course, from that point of view, it would also have some very irrational components and a fairly unhealthy almost unbreakable co-dependence. But it would explain why romantic couples end up hating each other after a separation more often than friends who drift apart.

But like I said, I'm not sure it's a useful distinction, nor is it one I really feel or use. I have several friends and an ex that I would say that I without a doubt love. For me, it's more a deep friendship with a complete openness and caring very much about the person and their well-being. A friendship where either side can lean on the other and the capability and willingness to reciprocate favours, gifts and aid isn't a concern at all as any exchange is done freely and is it's own reward because you love them.

I tend to be somewhat physically affectionate with those I consider people I love as well, but there's no inherent sexual component in it and it extends to any gender as far as they are comfortable with it.

But of course, that doesn't match mainstream depiction of 'love', as there is no component that requires the pair-bond romantic relationship, nor such a strong co-dependency that's sometimes implied.

But either way, there's of nothing wrong with keeping your current boyfriend your boyfriend. Personally, I think the essential component of a pair-bond relationship should be that you make each other better together, or at the very least, you don't make each other worse. Once you do start making each other worse people as a couple and your relationship would be better for both of you if you're just friends instead (such as not fighting over things, or giving each other the option of finding other pair-bonds), that's when it's time to break up. If that means it's not really 'love' I feel, well, then I'd rather take the less 'romantic' and in my opinion somewhat healthier version of deep friendships.