Jump to content

Late to the party


Tetus

Recommended Posts

TL;DR: I'm interested to see if anyone has had a similar "ah ha" moment in understanding how most people feel about sex.

For me, I never understood why people did some of the things they did. Commenting on someone being attractive or unattractive was really confusing for me: how did they tell? I had some relationships when I was younger, and was totally baffled by some of the questions I got from friends: "Are they hot?", "Are they cute?", and, I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit, even "What do they look like?"

Physical appearance never meant much to me, and was hard for me to recall or describe, so I figured I must just not be a visual person. As a nerdy introvert type, this was also hardly at the top of my list of things I felt bad about myself for, so I just didn't think about it much aside from being confused when the conversation would turn to whether a person looked sexy or not.

In college, I had sex. Not a lot, or with a lot of people, but I did it, and figured my experience was relatively normal, given that I was shy and a bit awkward. When I graduated and started working, I didn't really think anything of the fact that I went for a few years without.

Then, over the course of several years, I met someone, fell in love, moved in together, got married, bought a house, talked about starting a family. I loved living together and taking care of each other, the whole domestic bit. I loved cuddling and being generally lovable (these days I think of that scene from the original Manchurian candidate: "You just cannot believe, Ben, how lovable the whole damn thing was.").

I knew our sex life wasn't perfect, but to this day, I remember how completely baffled I was when I realized that sex, of all things, was going to lead to all of that life we'd built together being lost. Such a little thing, I thought. But, as I came to understand, it's not just a little thing for everyone. It's not like how your best friend really likes cheesecake, and you can't for the life of you understand how they ever eat more than a single bite, it's so rich. It's not like how you can't imagine how anyone could enjoy watching cars drive in circles for multiple hours at a stretch. It's more than that.

ANYWAY, I'm 29, and I only realized in the last few years how different this part of my life is. Wish I'd known a bit earlier. Anyone else get taken off guard?

Link to post
Share on other sites
MissLunarWolf

Oh, I'm sure we all were ;)

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. To me, it also seems like a small thing (for something as "trivial" as sex, to ruin something so amazing is really sad).

But I see the difference between allosexuals (or just "sexual people") and asexuals (like me) like the difference between "normal" (for lack of a better term) people and people who are colour blind. EVERYONE's like "Ooooohhh. Look at the pretty colours. It's so amazing", and I'm looking at 50 shades of grey (no pun intended) wondering what the big deal is. I think, maybe I'll just "get it" later, get what all the fuss is about. But later never came. For asexuals, it's like they have missed out on a HUGE part of something that comes naturally to (what seems like) everyone else. No one told me that these sexual feelings might never come, and that that was a normal option too.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh, I'm sure we all were ;)

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. To me, it also seems like a small thing (for something as "trivial" as sex, to ruin something so amazing is really sad).

But I see the difference between allosexuals (or just "sexual people") and asexuals (like me) like the difference between "normal" (for lack of a better term) people and people who are colour blind. EVERYONE's like "Ooooohhh. Look at the pretty colours. It's so amazing", and I'm looking at 50 shades of grey (no pun intended) wondering what the big deal is. I think, maybe I'll just "get it" later, get what all the fuss is about. But later never came. For asexuals, it's like they have missed out on a HUGE part of something that comes naturally to (what seems like) everyone else. No one told me that these sexual feelings might never come, and that that was a normal option too.

Exactly!

This made my day, and the pun was excellent.

(also props for ameterasu)

Link to post
Share on other sites

In college, I had sex. Not a lot, or with a lot of people, but I did it, and figured my experience was relatively normal, given that I was shy and a bit awkward. When I graduated and started working, I didn't really think anything of the fact that I went for a few years without.

Then, over the course of several years, I met someone, fell in love, moved in together, got married, bought a house, talked about starting a family. I loved living together and taking care of each other, the whole domestic bit. I loved cuddling and being generally lovable (these days I think of that scene from the original Manchurian candidate: "You just cannot believe, Ben, how lovable the whole damn thing was.").

I knew our sex life wasn't perfect, but to this day, I remember how completely baffled I was when I realized that sex, of all things, was going to lead to all of that life we'd built together being lost. Such a little thing, I thought. But, as I came to understand, it's not just a little thing for everyone. It's not like how your best friend really likes cheesecake, and you can't for the life of you understand how they ever eat more than a single bite, it's so rich. It's not like how you can't imagine how anyone could enjoy watching cars drive in circles for multiple hours at a stretch. It's more than that.

ANYWAY, I'm 29, and I only realized in the last few years how different this part of my life is. Wish I'd known a bit earlier. Anyone else get taken off guard?

Yep. Quoted bit was exactly the same for me.

The only difference is that I'm an incredibly visual person and I experience aesthetic attraction, in that there are people -- quite a lot of them, actually! -- whom I'd like to just stare at, for socially inappropriate lengths of time. That added an extra layer of confusion for me, as I mistook that for "sexual attraction". That led me into 20-odd years of identifying as bisexual, as I didn't notice any gender distinction among the people I was drawn to. Just, weirdly, years would go by without anything clamoring inside me that I wanted to have sex with any of these people. I actually have a vivid memory of someone at my work that I had a crush on, and my crushy vision of being with her was just exactly the sex-peripheral domestic idyll you're describing: I didn't visualize anything sexy, I just got swoony over the thought of cuddling with her in front of a BBC show on PBS that we'd connected over.

Of course, it didn't dawn on me that anything was out of the ordinary about that.

And, yes, I've had the same feeling of bafflement in my handful of long-term relationships and my marriage. I never, ever understood how important sex was to them, in the relationship context. Well... now I know. The marriage is still in a really awkward state, but at least we now have more information to work with than ever before. (And a couples counselor.)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I actually have a vivid memory of someone at my work that I had a crush on, and my crushy vision of being with her was just exactly the sex-peripheral domestic idyll you're describing: I didn't visualize anything sexy, I just got swoony over the thought of cuddling with her in front of a BBC show on PBS that we'd connected over.

Of course, it didn't dawn on me that anything was out of the ordinary about that.

This is hilariously identical to the way I've crushed on people.

It's funny, I just started reading this forum today, and I'm astonished at the number of people who are describing things in ways that I didn't think I'd ever hear from another person.

The best of luck to you both!

Link to post
Share on other sites
MissLunarWolf

I actually have a vivid memory of someone at my work that I had a crush on, and my crushy vision of being with her was just exactly the sex-peripheral domestic idyll you're describing: I didn't visualize anything sexy, I just got swoony over the thought of cuddling with her in front of a BBC show on PBS that we'd connected over.

Of course, it didn't dawn on me that anything was out of the ordinary about that.

This is hilariously identical to the way I've crushed on people.

It's funny, I just started reading this forum today, and I'm astonished at the number of people who are describing things in ways that I didn't think I'd ever hear from another person.

The best of luck to you both!

*Sigh* I'd LOVE to cuddle up to someone I care deeply for, by the fire. Watch some BBC's Sherlock - or whatever - under a blanket with some hot coco :wub:. That sounds like the best date night everrrr!!! (<-- literally makes my heart ache how awesome that'd be ^_^)

And best of luck to the two of you too (lol at all the 2's)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...
DreadfulBetty

I'm 44 and only put a name to how I feel about a year ago. I allways just thought that I was a little broken in the libido department. I've dated a full spectrum of folks and married twice. The term asexual just hadn't come up for me before. A year ago I startef useing asexual to discribe how I feel and the more I learn the better it fits. I can't believe that I didn't pick up on it along time ago. I finally have the words to discribe how I feel. Nothing has changed outwardly but I feel so much more at peace now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...