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Little things that bother me


deltaX

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Today, I was having dinner with some friends that live in a nearby dorm. Our dinner conversations were kind of going all over the place, but at some point we got on the topic of the shortage of women in stem fields so I mentioned that as a computer science major, in a lot of my college classes, I've been the only girl.

Then the guy sitting next to me said, "well, at least you've got a lot of people to chose from". I didn't get it first, so I asked for clarification, and he explained that as one of the only girls in my school's computer science program I have a lot of potential guys to be interested in- a lot of potential boyfriends and low competition (assuming most people want to date inside their own major).

I quickly changed the subject, but it bothered me. It's still kind of bothering me. To him (and probably literally everyone else in the world) it was a pretty harmless comment, but it still made me uncomfortable. I hate this assumption that I'm not only alloromantic and allosexual, but the assumption that I'm hetero as well. The assumption that one of the goals in life is to get married and start a family. The assumption that I can't just be happy being single, being me. The assumption that I can't just enjoy the company of the guys in my classes without trying to find a boyfriend, because apparently that's what's important.

It's things like this that bother me the most. I know that real acephobia and asexual erasure exists, but what gets me the most is stupid throwaway comments like this that I end of reading too much into. It's things like this that make me feel most isolated from society, what makes me feel most ignored and invalidated. I wish I wasn't in the closet in some groups, wish I could always be free to derail all these comments with an "I'M ACE" instead of always changing the subject or making vague references to how I'm "not looking for a boyfriend right now".

Stupid society. Maybe one day we'll live in a world where heterosexuality isn't just automatically assumed. But today is not that day.

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Hey I get this all the time and I hate it too. I'm going to a really small school -- like smaller than my high school was, and its mostly boys. So whenever people first learn about my school, one of the first comments they make is how "the odds are in my favor" or "you'll have no competition!" or "wow I bet youll get a boyfriend real quick!". My mom knows that's not what I want and she continues to remark on it -- like you said, they're just throwaway comments but they're pretty annoying. I wish people would recognize that I'm not going to school to get a boyfriend or a husband, I'm going to get an education. Romance is definitely not a priority.

Not only are comments like these slightly acephobic, and pure heteronormativity, its offensive in that people still tend to assume young women go to college to get husbands. That's such an old ideal but at least everyone in my family still seems to think that the best place "to land a man" is at school and it really bothers me.

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I can definitely understand how those kinds of comments can be an annoyance. Oh, how I know they are...

I guess I can also see why they do it though. I mean, though things are starting to change, it's still a very heteronormative world. Being straight is still the primary/most common orientation, so in a world largely belonging to these people, it would be seemingly harmless to casually drop such comments in their eyes.

However, to us, it is them assuming they already know something about us, they assume we are like them and we are discomforted by it. It certainly is bothersome when everyone assumes you're straight just because they are, I know.

I guess I'll be that person who says to look on the bright side, and say that change is happening. It's very very slow- only now is homosexuality (and bisexuality) being accepted in this society, and a lot of people still aren't aware that there's more than three orientations. It may not be soon, it may not even be in our lifetime, but one day, I hope, all orientations will be recognized and respected. :)

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I guess things have not changed in thirty years. I got my BSCS degree back in 1985. In fact, my college did not even offer it when I started and I switched from Electrical Engineering to Computer Science half-way through college after they created the program and were accredited. Even back then, the EE program had perhaps four women and the CS program had two that I recall. Women tended to be concentrated in business, liberal arts and psychology.

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UncommonNonsense

I studied computer science back in the 90's. One of my classes had almost 300 students. I was the only girl in all my CS classes. Even the one with nearly 300 students.

The reactions to my being there fell along two paths.

1. Seeing me as some sort of prize to compete over. They hit on me relentlessly and constantly. They fell all over themselves to catch my attention (and since these were old school geek guys, you can imagine just how awkward this was). They were overly 'nice', but their intent was painfully obvious. It was as if they thought that the guy who finally got me to date him was the most manly guy there and figured everyone would admire him. Stupid.

2. Resentment over a mere female being 'allowed' to take *their* classes. I was not wanted. I was ignored. Even the damn *Professor* ignored me, refused to answer any question I asked and would not let me answer questions posed to the class.

The majority were #2 in public and #1 in smaller groups. In the class itself, it was about 20% #1 and 80% #2. Disheartening and disgusting.

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Autumn Season

Not important comments are so bothersome because they are normal. >.<

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I know exactly how you feel, deltaX. Last week I went out with some new friends who don't know I'm aro-ace. As we were driving back home, my friend (who was a bit drunk) commented something to the effect of "Don't worry -- you'll find the right guy and be happy someday. It's okay to just "date" Netflix for a while."

That really bothered me because of the assumptions that:

1. I'm not happy. I quickly assured him that I am.

2. I will eventually need a guy in my life to make me happy.

3. You apparently have to be dating someone/something at all times -- if not a person, then Netflix.

I was upset after hearing those comments, but I realized that he's just projecting his own problems and insecurities onto me. I already knew that he's been having a hard time with dating lately and feels bad about himself because of it. As soon as I realized that he's just projecting, I was able to just let it go.

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Blue Phoenix Ace

Since the default behavior is to pair off, it's not unreasonable that most people expect it of others. I know that when people say such things, it tends to make my hair stand on end, but I try to deflect it or if I trust them more, just explain that I'm prefectly happy being single.

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randommachine

It's things like this that bother me the most. I know that real acephobia and asexual erasure exists, but what gets me the most is stupid throwaway comments like this that I end of reading too much into. It's things like this that make me feel most isolated from society, what makes me feel most ignored and invalidated. I wish I wasn't in the closet in some groups, wish I could always be free to derail all these comments with an "I'M ACE" instead of always changing the subject or making vague references to how I'm "not looking for a boyfriend right now".

Stupid society. Maybe one day we'll live in a world where heterosexuality isn't just automatically assumed. But today is not that day.

I completely sympathize with this. This was my today. Some of my friends, who didn't mean anything by it, were just having a silly discussion of the sexual themes in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. They were just talking about how repressed sexual urges drive the men insane, a big theme in the book. One of them drew a large, anthropomorphic, highly detailed male genital to represent the book. And then, someone said, "Haven't you ever seen a penis?" "Of course!"

Bleh. I'm really repulsed, but I have a tolerance, and usually I'm fine. This was just a barrage. The "Of course" really hit me. Just the realization that I'm so different and will never be able to understand, just knowing that I'll never "get it when I'm older". And I'm so very, very out, and I didn't know what to say! I just can't tell my friends who are laughing and joking to stop having fun because I'll spend the whole afternoon feeling horrible and listening to Marina and The Diamonds repeatedly if someone says the word sex just one more time.

Sigh. I really sympathize on this.

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