lia52 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I am feeling very tentative and shy about entering this territory, but am also quite emotional about having discovered this forum and rather upset to think it has been going for 10 years without me knowing! I have been married for 34 years to a wonderful loyal devoted man, who has never ever in his life felt even a twinge of sexual desire. This of course has meant 34 years of daily rejection, and aching emotional loneliness, for me, which, no matter what he might say about it not being 'my' problem, gradually destroyed all my own sense of femininity and self esteem. Not to mention the excruciating physical pain of chronic sexual frustration. but here. after all this time, I discover I am not alone, that there are others who might actually believe me and perhaps really understand? Suddenly my world looks a little brighter. Hoping to make some understanding friends to talk to. Link to post Share on other sites
MesMis Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Welcome. There is great empathy to be found here. There is nothing wrong with him and there is nothing, not a single thing, wrong with you, or me, or any of us sexuals (at least we who are respectful of our partners). I'm sorry. Learning the word "asexual" was the first sign post toward loving myself again, and I think it's the same for many. Link to post Share on other sites
janicecakes Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I do!!!! I understand you completely and you will find lots of sexuals here that will too. Is comforting to know you arnt alone, and that any time you thought "am I really that undesirable" YOU'RE NOT!!!! ITS NOT YOU!!!! I'm not sure where I'm heading on this path. I'm in love but passion is not there. Sex is not there. Lonely. Heart breaking. Yuck!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tetus Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I am feeling very tentative and shy about entering this territory, but am also quite emotional about having discovered this forum and rather upset to think it has been going for 10 years without me knowing! I have been married for 34 years to a wonderful loyal devoted man, who has never ever in his life felt even a twinge of sexual desire. This of course has meant 34 years of daily rejection, and aching emotional loneliness, for me, which, no matter what he might say about it not being 'my' problem, gradually destroyed all my own sense of femininity and self esteem. Not to mention the excruciating physical pain of chronic sexual frustration. but here. after all this time, I discover I am not alone, that there are others who might actually believe me and perhaps really understand? Suddenly my world looks a little brighter. Hoping to make some understanding friends to talk to. First, I'm sorry. The situation you're in is a bad one, made more painful because neither of you is doing anything wrong, and you both want nothing but the best for one another. I know this because I was in a similar situation: I fell in love and got married relatively young, and didn't really realize how different I was from my spouse at the time. I never initiated sex, and while I knew our sex life wasn't "good", I didn't understand how much it was hurting our marriage until we separated. Here's the problem, at root, that I ran into: sexual attraction is considered so universal in our culture that the idea that someone doesn't experience it does not even occur. I thought that I was just a little less crude than other guys who leered at women and commented on their attractiveness. I assumed they were exaggerating what they said and did to look cool (this is not to say that sexual guys can't be gentlemen - i just never had to interact with them talking about sex). But, of course, I was mistaken. I really just didn't get it. I wish I had, so that I could have tried to explain it before everything happened. No one told me that some people just aren't attracted to other people sexually though. So I did my best to be a good husband, but it wasn't enough. And that's not my fault or my spouse's - it's just what happened. I don't want to be a downer, and my marriage was not the same as your marriage, so I don't have any actual advice on what to actually DO about the situation. I just want you to know that yes, this is a real thing, and yes, it does happen to people. It sucks for everyone involved, and like most things, I don't think there is any easy answer. This kind of thing can be incredibly uncomfortable to talk about, as well, but I firmly believe in communication as the only path to anything worthwhile. Whatever happens, it should start with being able to talk about it as openly and plainly as possible, though that might take time to build up to. In any case, I wish you both all the best, and my heart goes out to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Keels Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Epic, it's spooky how similar our stories are. Link to post Share on other sites
Tetus Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Epic, it's spooky how similar our stories are. Yeah, it's half creeping me out, half making me feel relieved. Link to post Share on other sites
VanGhost Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 There are all types of relationships. You shouldn't force yourself to stay in a relationship if you are suffering. Link to post Share on other sites
knout Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 There are all types of relationships. You shouldn't force yourself to stay in a relationship if you are suffering. True to an extent, but also if the relationship is great otherwise, do you break it because of sex? (I actually don't think there is an answer but there's a lot to consider!) as for OP, I hope you will find some relief in the fact that it was probably never anything you did wrong... that you were never inadequate. But some people simply don't feel it about anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
lia52 Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Thank you all so much for your answers. I'm so humbled by finally finding people who understand! I hear you all saying there is nothing wrong, but there actually is so very much wrong. Not for my partner because as you all seem to understand he is totally free of any desire and therefore and totally unaware. I've sometimes likened it to my attempts to understand why people climb Mt Everest. It seems they just MUST! I can hear that and try to understand but I could never feel that urge myself! And my husband is the most inhibited man I have ever met so although in the early days I dragged him kicking and screaming into discussions about it, as the years passed I am nowadays just unable to put him through the pain that those talks obviously caused him. So on the surface sex just not exist in our house, while all the time I am raging inside with anger, resentment, disappointment, loneliness and frustration, which I am certain has impacted on my mental health and possibly my physical. I hate that this is all pent up inside me and I hate that sometimes I want to really hurt him verbally, yet knowing he doesn't deserve it, I always have to repress it. I see and hear sexual innuendoes in every movie, book, conversation and even roadside billboards, even when others probably don't and I feel ashamed that I am wired that way. And yet, in every other way I consider myself to have a rather wonderful life with so much to be happy about. We sought marriage counselling about 5 times, and every time we were advised we must separate but remain friends to bring the children up, and each time we would end up realising we loved each other and that the family unit was too precious to break up...so here I still am, although I feel he was so wrong to have married my in the first place, but maybe he hoped for a miracle. I know at the beginning I naively thought he was just shy, and that it would get better! In case you are wondering, the children were a result of him masturbating.....his love for me was so great that he forced himself to do that for me, despite not actually wanting children himself, which I do realise was no small thing. So thanks knout for appreciating that yes 'there is a lot to consider! Link to post Share on other sites
janicecakes Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 There are all types of relationships. You shouldn't force yourself to stay in a relationship if you are suffering. True to an extent, but also if the relationship is great otherwise, do you break it because of sex? (I actually don't think there is an answer but there's a lot to consider!) as for OP, I hope you will find some relief in the fact that it was probably never anything you did wrong... that you were never inadequate. But some people simply don't feel it about anyone. DITTO. I get a little weary of hearing this- 'Just get out' type comment. There is SO much more that goes into it. I am completely in love with my husband. We are best friends and are raising our kids together. Do I just call it quits because the sex life isn't working? I'm sorry, I don't me to be rude, but understand it isn't that simple. If it was, none of the sexuals would be here. Link to post Share on other sites
janicecakes Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Epic, it's spooky how similar our stories are. Yeah, it's half creeping me out, half making me feel relieved. Thats been my path here also. I could have written many of the other posts other sexuals have written. On one hand its like visiting the twilight zone, and on the other its like a weight is lifted because in my mind I am yelling at the computer 'ME TOO!' Link to post Share on other sites
janicecakes Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I see and hear sexual innuendoes in every movie, book, conversation and even roadside billboards I was JUST thinking about this a few days ago. The days that i'm doing okay in our situation, then I watch a movie, or read a book or hear a song thats great (i'm a big lyric person) so I try to hear the meaning in the song and TONS of them link right back to sex and passion. In movies and books there is always someone, not just having sex, but getting a passionate kiss, or rubbing on each other in a special way, and it alllllllllll comes back and makes it that much harder. Link to post Share on other sites
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