Am I mistaking loneliness for asexuality?

[Kitchen_Princess]

Hi,

The last topic I posted was around the beginning of october last year when my best friend was getting married. I questioned why I didn't have a significant other in my life. At the time I attributed it to my social anxiety and trust issues. Now I'm not so sure. I recently took a good look at my life and figuered out why it's so hard for my to let someone into my life.

About two months ago, I went through a traumatising event along with my brother and while I saw my whole family rally around my brother because he had the physical injuries, it also shed light on a part of my life that I never paid attention to. I'm still dealing with the after effects of the trauma and all I can think about is being touched. Not sexually. Just a really strong hug. That led me to see that I'm kind of starved for affection. Not fun, let me tell you, admitting something like that. But I'm tired of being the strong one all the time. I'm also very angry to see that the people that are supposed to love me no questions asked, can't see what it's doing to me. To see that they're there for my brother but they disregard the emotional and mental damage inflicted on me.

That being said, I don't want the physical affection from them. I barely tolerate anyone of them in my personal space. I know I sound very confusing but it's how I feel. All of this has led me to believe I might be mistaken loneliness for asexuality. I'm actively considering cuddle therapy (yes, it exists. It's designed to help people that have trouble dealing with emotions to let them out triggered by touch). But if I can't descern one thing from the other than it won't do any good.

So, thoughts anyone?

Kitchen Princess

[Unlabeled]

Hi,

The last topic I posted was around the beginning of october last year when my best friend was getting married. I questioned why I didn't have a significant other in my life. At the time I attributed it to my social anxiety and trust issues. Now I'm not so sure. I recently took a good look at my life and figuered out why it's so hard for my to let someone into my life.

About two months ago, I went through a traumatising event along with my brother and while I saw my whole family rally around my brother because he had the physical injuries, it also shed light on a part of my life that I never paid attention to. I'm still dealing with the after effects of the trauma and all I can think about is being touched. Not sexually. Just a really strong hug. That led me to see that I'm kind of starved for affection. Not fun, let me tell you, admitting something like that. But I'm tired of being the strong one all the time. I'm also very angry to see that the people that are supposed to love me no questions asked, can't see what it's doing to me. To see that they're there for my brother but they disregard the emotional and mental damage inflicted on me.

That being said, I don't want the physical affection from them. I barely tolerate anyone of them in my personal space. I know I sound very confusing but it's how I feel. All of this has led me to believe I might be mistaken loneliness for asexuality. I'm actively considering cuddle therapy (yes, it exists. It's designed to help people that have trouble dealing with emotions to let them out triggered by touch). But if I can't descern one thing from the other than it won't do any good.

So, thoughts anyone?

Kitchen Princess

Going by this OP and knowing nothing else I'm inclined to think if you're envying your brother and all the attention and affection he gets describing yourself as 'starved for affection' then you're probably not asexual. One of the working definitions of asexuality is 'lacking desire for sex, BUT, not suffering because of it.' You seem to BE suffering from the lack of affection and whatnot.

Plus, while not my area of expertise I'm pretty sure what you're experiencing is normal following a trauma where a sibling is involved, gets loads of attention and love from other family memebers but excluding another sibling. Dunno what it's called but I'll bet 6 inches of height it's a thing. :)

Sounds like this cuddle therapy or other post-trauma counselling will fill in the blank spaces as it were and help you process the trauma and feelings coming from it.

[Autumn Season]

I don't know if you're "only" starved for affection or starved AND asexual, but it's difficult for me to understand how you could confuse those two states of being. You're asexual if you're feeling good without sex and you need affection if you're feeling lonely.

[argar]

I've had that contradictory feeling many times in my life.

On the one hand like, like you, I am leery of people in my personal space. I don't want people to close to me, it makes me acutely uncomfortable.

I think I give off a pretty good "back off" vibe that it isn't a problem, but yeah being touched and getting some personal attention good for the soul.

And good for psychological reasons as well. We need to feel that we are connected to the people around us in some way. Isolation can and does damage our health.

Its probably one of the reasons I love getting haircuts. I life the physical sensation of a haircut, but don't have to contend with any sexual anything.

Recently I have become kind of addicted to ASMR videos, I don't feel any "tingles," with the experience, but do enjoy the persona attention psychologically speaking.

Although I have felt "tingles" watching movies that inspire me by surprise.

Anyways, the way you define yourself is up to you. If you find calling yourself asexual and it brings you comfort, then do it for your peace of mind. If it is not working for you then who says you have to call yourself anything, As long as not doing that harms you in any way,

I hope the above makes some sense and helps.

Have a beautiful day.

[Unlabeled]

Though it's been generic'isized, what seems to fit best is good old 'favoritism.' In this case, a more specific sort of post-trauma favoritism, since it came about following your brother's injury, but if you've wondered why no SO perhaps envying your friends their spouses, envied your brother for all the attention after his injury, etc. I'd suggest investigating at cuddle therapy if you're experiencing some of your feelings due to some sort of post-trauma sibling favoritism.

Wasn't sure if you and your brother both experienced the trauma together, but only he got injured or what, but if you were together, only he got injured, and now there's a disproportionate amount of affection being lavished on him, it's reasonable to expect some yourself. If you're not getting it, that could well cause some questions and problems you need to address. It's also reasonable to confuse what's being felt for other things.

[Kitchen_Princess]

@ Mitosis to the max

My brother and I went through the same trauma together. Senseless violence walking home from a family event. And it's more that I'm used to being the one that's there for other people but when the time came I feel like noone's there for me because they aren't used to me being the one that's needing help. Plus I feel very angry at myself for even feeling this way. It all just made a big glaring hole in my life visible and I'm not sure how to fix it or if I even want to.

Kitchen Princess

[nerdperson777]

I can see where the OP is coming from. I think I feel the same thing, although I'm not at an age where people commonly get married yet and I don't have siblings besides a dog. It is possible to be want affection and be asexual. I didn't have much affection given to me when I was younger, and now I reject my parents so even if they give me some now, I don't want it. Sometimes I wonder why the dog gets all the attention. When we had our first dog, mom treated him with so much affection, nothing my dad and I had ever seen. Dad always said that a dog's life is so good, don't have to do anything, lie around all day (that's what he did all day), eat, and get mom's affection. And mom spoiled him a lot with table food, which I voiced wasn't right, and her answer was always, "he doesn't talk back." Of course he can't talk back, he speaks dog.

I was never really into being touched since I was hit a lot when I was younger, but after exploring myself, I realized that I want to be touched by those who genuinely care about me. But it doesn't mean all the time, it will lose its meaning.

But as others have said, asexuality is if you don't feel sexual attraction to people. You never really said anything about that, so it's hard to say.

[Guest]

well, i'm just gonna skip all of the other posts and post what i think:

simply it put it sounds like your lonely because you either don't socialise, or because you are lonely in company ( i've been there too) and your probably just noticing that your brother's getting atention and support simply because he is somebody who you would notice it the most, ( from the people whom you would have otherwise noticed).

Though none of this has to do with sexual attraction, so I would say fairly confidently that yes you are asexual, as if you weren't then you probably wouldn't be asking ;) .

Also don't worry if your parents aren't noticing you that much, it doesn't mean they don't love, it just means that like most people, they are oblivious to others, most people can't pick somebody out if they are lonely or depressed, or have anxiety or whatever, and that IS NOT a reflection of the degree to which the person in question experiences said depression e.t.c, but people's ability ( or rather lack thereof skill ) to "pick up" these signs.

Also my apologies if i was a bit blunt.