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"Leading people on" and being mistaken for Allo


MarieIsEatingTacobell

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MarieIsEatingTacobell

I have such a head ache right now, because this is the umpteenth time this happens to me, and it's really no one's fault.

Who else here has a problem with meeting new people, and getting mistaken for someone who's looking for something sexual? A lot? How do you deal with it? I know there's a lot of thirsty people out there that jump at any glimpse of hope for sex, but- what about when you've genuinely lead someone on without realizing you were doing it, because that's simply not how you work? I mean, for me personally, it's just not on my radar so I don't even think about it.

Also, for grey and demi romantics, such as myself, how do you deal with accidentally leading someone on to the hope of a romantic relationship?

I'm actually very upset at the moment. Apparently, I accidentally lead on a lovely girl without realizing it. We met randomly online. She had made a post about being scared to wear certain clothes in public because she's FtM, and didn't want to offend people. I messaged her and encouraged her to wear whatever the hell she wants, because other people simply don't matter. So we ended up talking casually. I was asking her the usual questions (where do you work, how old are you, ect) when she asked if I had other means of talking. I'm a cautious person, I don't like giving out my information to anyone so I said no. She asked if we could meet up and I said I wasn't comfortable. I guess- she lost her patience with me and said if I didn't actually wanting to be talking to her it's fine, she didn't want to waste her energy on people who wont give her any energy back because she's done it too much already and goes on to say "I'm not a monster, I'm just looking for someone special" and my heart broke. I didn't mean to make her feel bad. The whole point of the first message was to empower her. I told her I was interested in being friends of course, If I wasn't I wouldn't have bothered continuing to talk to her, but that I'm aromantic (I didn't even want to try to explain demiromantic. Not the time) and that I can't provide a romantic relationship. She apologized and said that "by the way you were acting, I read you as you wanted to get to know me that way. I'm sorry I misread you". and I just- I don't know what I did but clearly I made her feel like shit and this is one of countless times I've apparently done this.

I guess I show too much enthusiasm when getting to know people. When I really click with someone, I'll talk to them day and night. That one definitely got me in trouble in the past. I didn't realize talking to someone you really get a long with as much as you can meant you were interested in them romantically? but that's how people take me. I guess i'm just a really affectionate person. I like to compliment people, I like to ask people about themselves, I like to try to relate to people, how am I supposed to do all that without leading someone on? I'm scared to talk to people TOO much now, not only because I have this intense fear that i'm annoying, but because I'm scared I'll give the wrong message.

I know a lot of you know what I'm talking about, and the guilt that comes with it.

So yeah, how do you deal with this?

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Ugh. I definitely know where you're coming from.

My most recent friend-breakup was because the dude had feelings I couldn't reciprocate. After the termination of said friendship, he apparently told someone that I was manipulating and using his feelings to take advantage of him or something, which I was not. I had no intention of doing that.

I was also told by others that I was "leading him on," and I think someone even said I was "being a tease."

It was really frustrating. I had no intention of doing any of that. I was just trying to be a good friend. If being kind to someone because you're friends is "leading them on," well then shit, I must lead people on all the time... -_-

How I dealt with it? Well, I guess I repeatedly said I was aro/ace and wasn't interested in anyone that way, but I guess that wasn't strong enough to get the message across. They still kept trying to get me interested, until they asked me upfront and I expressed whole-hearted, genuine disgust for the idea.

And now we aren't friends. <_<

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*hugs* That's a crappy situation for sure. :( I feel the same way in that if I like someone (even as a friend, with absolutely nothing romantic involved) I can talk to them forever. I think that this sort of thing would be easier to confuse online than irl though, and I don't really have any friends that are just online...idk, probably the easiest way to avoid that confusion would be to subtly mention in the "getting to know" phase that you're single and not looking (or possibly that you already have a romantic partner, if that is the case) That leaves you the option of going into as much or as little detail as you want. Hopefully that would work...? :) (I've never really had that problem cuz most people just aren't interested in me in that way)

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You didn't do anything but being yourself. If people misinterpret something, that's not your fault because it's them who made assumptions.

It was a misunderstanding, you explained, she apologized (lots of people don't even do that!), I don't think there's much more to it.

I gues the only way to avoid that in the future is to tell people you're not looking for a relationship/sex before misunderstandings happen :/

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MarieIsEatingTacobell

Ugh. I definitely know where you're coming from.

My most recent friend-breakup was because the dude had feelings I couldn't reciprocate. After the termination of said friendship, he apparently told someone that I was manipulating and using his feelings to take advantage of him or something, which I was not. I had no intention of doing that.

I was also told by others that I was "leading him on," and I think someone even said I was "being a tease."

It was really frustrating. I had no intention of doing any of that. I was just trying to be a good friend. If being kind to someone because you're friends is "leading them on," well then shit, I must lead people on all the time... -_-

How I dealt with it? Well, I guess I repeatedly said I was aro/ace and wasn't interested in anyone that way, but I guess that wasn't strong enough to get the message across. They still kept trying to get me interested, until they asked me upfront and I expressed whole-hearted, genuine disgust for the idea.

And now we aren't friends. <_<

I'm very sorry to hear that. I've lost friends the exact same way.

It seems like being kind is all some people need to feel lead on. Maybe there's like- a differen between platonic kind and romantic kind that we're not seeing or something?? Freaking social rules. Ridiculous.

Welp, honestly if you said it loud and clear then it wasn't your fault at all. Not in my eyes. I had a situation like that I don't feel bad about. I made it clear to him when we began talking "I'm not looking for a romantic relationship. I don't date." I actually went as far as to complain to him about this very situation, that I can't be nice to people because they take it as being interested. Then like a week later, he was all "I'm interested in dating you" what?! I honestly felt violated, because I think back to every hug, every conversation, every exchange I had with him where I trusted him with things I wouldn't have trusted others with, and I felt dirty because I realized that all was only in effort to get a date with me. None of it was simply because we were two people who got a long. I was seriously upset.

I feel if you were open enough to say it, and say it more then once, and continue to enforce that, then you did nothing wrong.

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Sockstealingnome

First of all, I'm a staunch believer that you can't lead someone on unless you do it on purpose. If they're misinterpreting your friendliness, that's on them. Although it's a sad indicator of how few people are just genuinely friendly to strangers these days that everything is clouded with the perception of 'is this person flirting with me?' I think people who are looking for a relationship are the ones most likely to see things that aren't there simply because they want to believe it (which don't get me wrong, is not necessarily a bad thing). I knew a girl who swore up and down all these guys were giving her "looks" and while I didn't call bullshit, I didn't disagree with her either. Maybe they were and I just didn't notice? I'm kind of bad about those kinds of things. Have you considered that maybe you're an awesome person that people fall for? You just keep being you.

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Sockstealingnome

Ugh. I definitely know where you're coming from.

My most recent friend-breakup was because the dude had feelings I couldn't reciprocate. After the termination of said friendship, he apparently told someone that I was manipulating and using his feelings to take advantage of him or something, which I was not. I had no intention of doing that.

I was also told by others that I was "leading him on," and I think someone even said I was "being a tease."

It was really frustrating. I had no intention of doing any of that. I was just trying to be a good friend. If being kind to someone because you're friends is "leading them on," well then shit, I must lead people on all the time... -_-

How I dealt with it? Well, I guess I repeatedly said I was aro/ace and wasn't interested in anyone that way, but I guess that wasn't strong enough to get the message across. They still kept trying to get me interested, until they asked me upfront and I expressed whole-hearted, genuine disgust for the idea.

And now we aren't friends. <_<

I'm very sorry to hear that. I've lost friends the exact same way.

It seems like being kind is all some people need to feel lead on. Maybe there's like- a differen between platonic kind and romantic kind that we're not seeing or something?? Freaking social rules. Ridiculous.

Welp, honestly if you said it loud and clear then it wasn't your fault at all. Not in my eyes. I had a situation like that I don't feel bad about. I made it clear to him when we began talking "I'm not looking for a romantic relationship. I don't date." I actually went as far as to complain to him about this very situation, that I can't be nice to people because they take it as being interested. Then like a week later, he was all "I'm interested in dating you" what?! I honestly felt violated, because I think back to every hug, every conversation, every exchange I had with him where I trusted him with things I wouldn't have trusted others with, and I felt dirty because I realized that all was only in effort to get a date with me. None of it was simply because we were two people who got a long. I was seriously upset.

I feel if you were open enough to say it, and say it more then once, and continue to enforce that, then you did nothing wrong.

What makes you think he was only after a date? That he only cared for you for that reason? I'm sure there's more here than I'm seeing but it's possible for someone to feel platonic interest at first and have that shift to romantic interest as they get to know the person better. It doesn't mean you were being taken advantage of and used. They just saw something in you they really liked.

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darkesthour

I know exactly how you feel. That's happened to me a few times before, too. I agree with what Sockstealingnome said though, if you weren't purposely doing it in obvious ways then you really have nothing to feel guilty about.

It's sad how you can't really be too friendly with anyone without it possibly being taken the wrong way. But of course that's part of flirting too so you can't really blame people either for thinking something different.

What I think works best is just casually mentioning (lying if needed) that you have a partner in the beginning. I know when a girl tells me that I instantly feel much more comfortable knowing she's just being friendly to be friendly. Most people will respect that and not see you as an option in that way any longer, without feeling led on.

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I guess I show too much enthusiasm when getting to know people. When I really click with someone, I'll talk to them day and night. That one definitely got me in trouble in the past. I didn't realize talking to someone you really get a long with as much as you can meant you were interested in them romantically? but that's how people take me. I guess i'm just a really affectionate person. I like to compliment people, I like to ask people about themselves, I like to try to relate to people, how am I supposed to do all that without leading someone on?

High five - I also do the talking day and night thing. I guess I deal with this possibility by telling people who I'm close to that I'm asexual. It's normally a natural enough thing to bring up at some point if we really are talking that much: something like relationships will come up (or will not be unnatural to bring up) and I can make my stance clear. It's also important to somehow communicate that this is a permanent feature: that I'm not just avoiding sex at the moment because of a recent bad breakup or something (which will be what they automatically assume, because asexuality is not very well known), but I'm avoiding it forever (at least, until further notice or something), and that is a non-negotiable part of me. Of course, some people just won't listen or will refuse to understand - like the person in your story - but that is then definitely their problem, not yours.

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MarieIsEatingTacobell

What makes you think he was only after a date? That he only cared for you for that reason? I'm sure there's more here than I'm seeing but it's possible for someone to feel platonic interest at first and have that shift to romantic interest as they get to know the person better. It doesn't mean you were being taken advantage of and used. They just saw something in you they really liked.

I am leaving a lot out. There were a couple of situations where I put myself in a very vulnerable position for him which, he knows I wouldn't have allowed had I known he saw me that way, and it was right after I let him do what he wanted that he told me he wanted to date me. I know it may not have started that way, maybe it did, I don't know, but- that in particular is what made me feel dirty and used. (Sorry I'm being vague, it's not exactly SFW) Then it all kind of started coming together, all the flirting and stuff that I missed because I felt like saying "i'm not interested" would be enough to ward that off, but I suppose not. I told him "I'm not comfortable with (X,Y & Z) with someone that's trying to be with me, I don't want it to be out a place of interest like that." He assured me it wasn't, and it was. The thing that bothers me the most is that he already wanted to get at me BEFORE I let him in that way. He had messaged my best friend and asked told her days before that he wanted to be with me, and that he wanted to (blank) but that he wanted her permission first. My friend was like dude?? If she wants?? She didn't say anything because she thought he had talked about it with me beforehand, and that- that's why I had agreed. So he already had intent. He just made sure he got what he wanted first before telling me. P.s. no we didn't have sex, lol.

*hugs* That's a crappy situation for sure. :( I feel the same way in that if I like someone (even as a friend, with absolutely nothing romantic involved) I can talk to them forever. I think that this sort of thing would be easier to confuse online than irl though, and I don't really have any friends that are just online...idk, probably the easiest way to avoid that confusion would be to subtly mention in the "getting to know" phase that you're single and not looking (or possibly that you already have a romantic partner, if that is the case) That leaves you the option of going into as much or as little detail as you want. Hopefully that would work...? :) (I've never really had that problem cuz most people just aren't interested in me in that way)

It is probably a lot to do with texting/online friendships. It's easy to miscommunicate with one another. Although, I don't know my old boss I think thought I had a thing for her cause she mentioned on more then one occasion that she'd "have sex with me if I wasn't working for her". Like?? /sigh I don't even know. Yeah, I should really try being as upfront as possible, I'm just scared that I'll ward people off that way.

You didn't do anything but being yourself. If people misinterpret something, that's not your fault because it's them who made assumptions.

It was a misunderstanding, you explained, she apologized (lots of people don't even do that!), I don't think there's much more to it.

I gues the only way to avoid that in the future is to tell people you're not looking for a relationship/sex before misunderstandings happen :/

I suppose you're right. Again, I just don't want to scare people away.

First of all, I'm a staunch believer that you can't lead someone on unless you do it on purpose. If they're misinterpreting your friendliness, that's on them. Although it's a sad indicator of how few people are just genuinely friendly to strangers these days that everything is clouded with the perception of 'is this person flirting with me?' I think people who are looking for a relationship are the ones most likely to see things that aren't there simply because they want to believe it (which don't get me wrong, is not necessarily a bad thing). I knew a girl who swore up and down all these guys were giving her "looks" and while I didn't call bullshit, I didn't disagree with her either. Maybe they were and I just didn't notice? I'm kind of bad about those kinds of things. Have you considered that maybe you're an awesome person that people fall for? You just keep being you.

Awhh, thank you that's sweet. Yes, the thought of there being ulterior motives to friendliness is a very sad thought. One of the many reasons I'm so terrified of people. Do they wanna be friends? Are they trying to hook up with me? Am I the one making THEM feel like I wanna hook up? What is life? I could see how we could miss stuff like that, yeah. I tend to not shoot people down when they pick up on ques from people that may or may not be there either. Clearly I don't know my stuff, so who am I to say otherwise?

I feel you. I'm not demi or gray romantic, but I am Sapioromantic. So there has been a few instances like this. Where there was someone genuinely interested in me, but I wasn't interested in return. Because they weren't intelligent enough for me to be interested in them. Though I didn't tell them this. Just that I wasn't interested that way, and it really hurt their feelings.

Hurting people's feelings when you really don't want to feels awful. At least piss us off so we don't feel bad about it later (i'm kidding)

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Autumn Season

I also like talking to people I click with... a lot. Wouldn't it be a nice world where everyone values the other person for their personality and not for whether or not they can be a romantic/ sexual partner? *sigh*

Online I usually tell people straight up that I am not searching for a relationship. I didn't do it in the past because "Who am I to think that everyone wants to get involved with me?". But after some unpleasant experiences I realized, that it's for the best to lay down my cards from the very beginning, in a polite manner. The people who still want to talk to me then are worth talking to.

In real life men usually don't approach me, because I go out with friends (and not alone) and generally look like I've got stuff to do (when I'm alone). When I look bored, tired or uncomfortable and alone, then the chances that somebody approaches me are higher. :/ In my experience, when a (hetero cis-)man approaches a (cis-)woman in that kind of situation, then he is not interested in a platonic friendship. So maybe here, too, it's smart to say "I'm waiting for my boyfriend" or something of the like, even if it's a lie. If he's a nice guy, then you can still get to know him.

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nerdperson777

I met this one guy online about 4 years ago, before I knew about asexuality and gender identity. I really liked playing games with him. We had fun conversations frequently, getting to the point of almost everyday. We also both became admins for our gaming community so we put our phone numbers in the thread and we texted a lot even offline. A year and a half after I meet him, he gifted me a game asking me to be his girlfriend, even if I reject that, he said we could still be friends. I don't like relationships so I did say no, but we still had a great time playing. But when gender and sexuality got in my mind a year later, he was overly devastated. He didn't talk to me for well over 9 months. But now he doesn't really invite me to as many games and our conversations aren't that fun. Is it wrong to feel cheated out on a friendship like that? I'm generally a nice friendly person to everyone. The only thing that I could think could've led him on was that I used voice chat to play music for him, but I do that for any friend who enjoys what I have to play.

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I'm very social and like to talk. If I like someone I like to talk to them. Some guys always seem to take this as an invitation, so I will have to tell them "no, I was looking for friendship". I didn't know I was asexual and always got so sad it always seem to end in me breaking it because they wanted something more... something I couldn't give/knew if I wanted to give them in those two weeks we been talking. Everyone is in such a hurry!

I had this lesbian couple as friends. And one of them started to fall for me, tried to convince me I was in fact lesbian. Which I (not knowing about asexuality) said no, I like men. I told her that over and over. Then I got blamed by the other for flirting with her and teasing. And I got so upset. We are close friends and I'm not lesbian!

But according to her I had to say it clearly or the one liking me wouldn't understand. I had to say "fuck off"... I would never say that to anyone, especially not a friend. :/

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I have such a head ache right now, because this is the umpteenth time this happens to me, and it's really no one's fault.

Who else here has a problem with meeting new people, and getting mistaken for someone who's looking for something sexual? A lot? How do you deal with it? I know there's a lot of thirsty people out there that jump at any glimpse of hope for sex, but- what about when you've genuinely lead someone on without realizing you were doing it, because that's simply not how you work? I mean, for me personally, it's just not on my radar so I don't even think about it.

Also, for grey and demi romantics, such as myself, how do you deal with accidentally leading someone on to the hope of a romantic relationship?

I'm actually very upset at the moment. Apparently, I accidentally lead on a lovely girl without realizing it. We met randomly online. She had made a post about being scared to wear certain clothes in public because she's FtM, and didn't want to offend people. I messaged her and encouraged her to wear whatever the hell she wants, because other people simply don't matter. So we ended up talking casually. I was asking her the usual questions (where do you work, how old are you, ect) when she asked if I had other means of talking. I'm a cautious person, I don't like giving out my information to anyone so I said no. She asked if we could meet up and I said I wasn't comfortable. I guess- she lost her patience with me and said if I didn't actually wanting to be talking to her it's fine, she didn't want to waste her energy on people who wont give her any energy back because she's done it too much already and goes on to say "I'm not a monster, I'm just looking for someone special" and my heart broke. I didn't mean to make her feel bad. The whole point of the first message was to empower her. I told her I was interested in being friends of course, If I wasn't I wouldn't have bothered continuing to talk to her, but that I'm aromantic (I didn't even want to try to explain demiromantic. Not the time) and that I can't provide a romantic relationship. She apologized and said that "by the way you were acting, I read you as you wanted to get to know me that way. I'm sorry I misread you". and I just- I don't know what I did but clearly I made her feel like shit and this is one of countless times I've apparently done this.

I guess I show too much enthusiasm when getting to know people. When I really click with someone, I'll talk to them day and night. That one definitely got me in trouble in the past. I didn't realize talking to someone you really get a long with as much as you can meant you were interested in them romantically? but that's how people take me. I guess i'm just a really affectionate person. I like to compliment people, I like to ask people about themselves, I like to try to relate to people, how am I supposed to do all that without leading someone on? I'm scared to talk to people TOO much now, not only because I have this intense fear that i'm annoying, but because I'm scared I'll give the wrong message.

I know a lot of you know what I'm talking about, and the guilt that comes with it.

So yeah, how do you deal with this?

What i did is that once I realized that people who contact each other on dating sites doit because they find each other attractive or at least potentially attractive, I avoided dating sites after. They obviously aren't made for people on the aromantic spectrum at all.

With friends, it's easy to avoid confusion because I'm not the type of person who flirts even unintentionally. When i talk with my friends, it's during one hour, two hours max because I' not a very verbal person, and I spend long periods of time not talking to them. With friends, if I want to be sure that nothing else would happen, I say things that friends would say to each other, things that are funny between friends but that would be a turn-off in a couple.

Of course it wasn't so easy to date but when it's between two people who already are friends, you both already know each other and it makes feelings stronger. It's an advantage but it might be a little bit surprising to the friend if you suddenly say that you like them.

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scarletlatitude

I feel you. I'm not demi or gray romantic, but I am Sapioromantic. So there has been a few instances like this. Where there was someone genuinely interested in me, but I wasn't interested in return. Because they weren't intelligent enough for me to be interested in them. Though I didn't tell them this. Just that I wasn't interested that way, and it really hurt their feelings.

:blink: Another sapio! Ahh! :D The same thing has happened to me. It is super awkward to have that conversation when the real reason you aren't interested is they aren't your kind of intelligent...

I'm very social and like to talk. If I like someone I like to talk to them. Some guys always seem to take this as an invitation, so I will have to tell them "no, I was looking for friendship". I didn't know I was asexual and always got so sad it always seem to end in me breaking it because they wanted something more... something I couldn't give/knew if I wanted to give them in those two weeks we been talking. Everyone is in such a hurry!

They are in such a hurry. Who invented the 3 dates = sex thing? I've encountered that so many times. Why are we rushing so much? Can't we just be together first and then do that kind of stuff? I don't even want to hug you until the 10th+ date.

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They are in such a hurry. Who invented the 3 dates = sex thing? I've encountered that so many times. Why are we rushing so much? Can't we just be together first and then do that kind of stuff? I don't even want to hug you until the 10th+ date.

Exactly! I have no idea if I want to hug you or hold your hand, or even be friends with you after five meetings. These things take time and I think they have the right too. It's kind of disappointing done if they let it take time out might actually have worked and become something.

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I'm very social and like to talk. If I like someone I like to talk to them. Some guys always seem to take this as an invitation, so I will have to tell them "no, I was looking for friendship". I didn't know I was asexual and always got so sad it always seem to end in me breaking it because they wanted something more... something I couldn't give/knew if I wanted to give them in those two weeks we been talking. Everyone is in such a hurry!

I had this lesbian couple as friends. And one of them started to fall for me, tried to convince me I was in fact lesbian. Which I (not knowing about asexuality) said no, I like men. I told her that over and over. Then I got blamed by the other for flirting with her and teasing. And I got so upset. We are close friends and I'm not lesbian!

But according to her I had to say it clearly or the one liking me wouldn't understand. I had to say "fuck off"... I would never say that to anyone, especially not a friend. :/

Same here - it's gotten to the point where I inwardly cringe whenever a guy gets too friendly with me, because it almost always means flirting.

I also have the problem of being very straightforward and with an often perverted sense of humour, which people often understand as flirting - I've been told often enough that I flirt constantly that even if I don't see it (or do it on purpose), it's probably true.

I have wondered whether I should change how I act, but honestly, I have no control over how people interpret my actions, so trying to be "non-flirty" would leave me pretty anxious (as I would constantly wonder "Hey, is this flirting? And this?") while being likely unsuccessful.

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I think I'm naturally a tease, but equally naturally a major cockblocking ninja. Once I warm up to a person I'm quite friendly, which can be misconstrued (especially by North Americans) as sexual interest. I like to dance and have fun, which leads people to think that I have sexual interest, and when I tend to turn people down in a polite way they get sort of hostile calling me a tease.

Equally, I like to go out with my girlfriends and their boyfriends that they date because I'm a good judge of a character and it's a common understanding that if the boyfriend can't be respectful and tolerate being around me, it's not really going to work. I take this as a sign of respect from my friends, as they have a lot of faith in me and my judging of character. People tend to open up to me, even if I don't want them to, but I realize that I give good, sensible advice, so I go with it.

If you accidentally lead someone on, it's an accident. Be firm and polite and state that you're not interested, or that you're only interested in friendship or a platonic relationship. It's being straightforward, to the point, and polite as to not get a person's expectations up too high over the long term. Further to that, people in society need to understand and start to recognise that just because someone is nice, doesn't mean that they are investing or are interested in anything more than being nice or polite to strangers.

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MarieIsEatingTacobell

If you accidentally lead someone on, it's an accident. Be firm and polite and state that you're not interested, or that you're only interested in friendship or a platonic relationship. It's being straightforward, to the point, and polite as to not get a person's expectations up too high over the long term. Further to that, people in society need to understand and start to recognise that just because someone is nice, doesn't mean that they are investing or are interested in anything more than being nice or polite to strangers.

Very sound advice, thank you.

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I also like talking to people I click with... a lot. Wouldn't it be a nice world where everyone values the other person for their personality and not for whether or not they can be a romantic/ sexual partner? *sigh*

Not to point out the obvious, but I very much value the personality of my partners.

Anyway, there are no social rules and there's no good way to tell if someone is or isn't interested. It's tricky business... people get rejected constantly. This happens just as much to sexuals... or moreso, since we're out there mixing it up... but yeah, the number of times I've been mistaken and thought someone was into me, and vice versa... it's too high to count.

Best you can do is accept that in life, sometimes there are brief awkward moments and shrug it off.

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Once you realize it, make it known to the other person. You have the be honest. That is the only way to rectify the situation.

It is what it is.

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ScarlettRose

:redface: Sorry to sorta butt-in, but i have a general question related to what youre experiencing:

Have you (Or anyone whos reading this) ever had a situation where youre talking to someone whom you want to just be friends with, and they also just want to be friends, but your significant other just assumes because you talk nice or may compliment one another means theres something else going on? When in reality nothing sexual or romantic or sensual is going on at all! And is there any way to resolve this problem without having to result in unfriending and blocking this friend?

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:redface: Sorry to sorta butt-in, but i have a general question related to what youre experiencing:

Have you (Or anyone whos reading this) ever had a situation where youre talking to someone whom you want to just be friends with, and they also just want to be friends, but your significant other just assumes because you talk nice or may compliment one another means theres something else going on? When in reality nothing sexual or romantic or sensual is going on at all! And is there any way to resolve this problem without having to result in unfriending and blocking this friend?

If my significant other distrusted me to that extent and wanted veto power over my friends, they would not be my significant other for very long. Doesn't sound like a healthy foundation for a relationship. (However, I say this presuming that you and this friend aren't attracted to each other and this friend isn't somehow significantly detracting from your relationship with your significant other; it might be wise to check in with them about that, particularly if you are spending large amounts of time or emotional energy on this friend and your significant other feels left out or ignored or something.)

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Honestly? I'm still dealing with a situation where I didn't exactly lead someone one, but it still sort of feels like it on bad days. The long and short of it is: My bestfriend's husband who was also a close friend of mine, developed feelings for me. He realized he was polyamorous because because he felt for me the same way he feels for his wife.

To be absolutely clear, I did/do not have romantic feelings for him nor did I want him to have them for me.

I told him and his wife as much (he has been very open about it with her which helps make it feel a little less skeevy) and while we're still publicly friends, we mainly maintain what we can for the sake of our shared friends.

This happened about three years ago and for the first year of it I felt incredibly guilty and ended up going to therapy do deal with my depression.

I didn't lead him on. But. I can't deny that I was very close with him. I talked very freely with him about personal topics. I even lived with them for a summer after they were married and let him spend a few days at my place where I live alone (though he slept in a separate room).

I know I can't be responsible for his feelings, but I don't act the same way around male friends anymore and frankly, I'm a little skittish when meeting new guys.

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Paintedmouse

I have had to deal with this quite a bit and the whole topic is terribly confusing! I'm a naturally open and energetic person, I love being around people and socializing. But how are you supposed to know that you are "leading someone on" when you are in that gray area of asexualality and your idea of being friendly is their idea of flirting? I don't have many friends, in fact I can count them without using all the fingers on one hand. But when I do find someone I think enough of to call a friend I love them in a deep platonic way, and I guard them like a mother bear does her cubs. I have found it is very hard for me to maintain this kind of friendship with a man.

I had one friend a few years back who was perhaps my best friend at the time. Every time we hung out it was like I was hanging out with a brother. We simply understood each other, and I felt free and safe enough that I could tell him things I couldn't trust other people with. However, I only liked him as a friend, in that brotherly way, and when one of his friends told me he was interested in dating me and was trying to work up the courage to ask, I simply didn't know what to do.

It was very hard, every time we would hang out I had to censor my words, I had to remind myself that it wasn't ok anymore for me to give him playful shoves, that I couldn't just come over whenever to hang out at his house to work on homework for the day, I couldn't just go grab lunch with him whenever I wanted. All things I do with my other close girl friends, but when I did with him, suddenly had another meaning. And when he realized I simply couldn't return his feelings, I simply couldn't make myself have that deep romantic and sexual urge for him we drifted apart.

It seems as though anytime I get close with a man, simply because I like them as a person, like them and trust them as a friend, the same thing has happened. I don't know what to do, how do you simply not be yourself? I am a very strong willed and opinionated person, what you see with me is what you get. Not only that but I am a bit of a tomboy and I enjoy "hanging out with the guys," and I find it's very difficult for me to navigate the waters between friendship and romantic interest when dealing with a close guy friend.

Not only that but I've also had guys I barely know ask me on a date seemingly out of the blue, because some conversation we had a week ago was misconstrued as flirting. It boggles my mind, I had one conversation with someone and suddenly he thinks we are compatible and have enough of a deep emotional connection to date.

It's so strange, I have tried dating like that before simply because society tells us we need to date a veritable cornucopia of men to find "the one" and it is simply not for me. The entire time I would be with someone I felt like I was holding hands with a stranger, allowing a stranger to kiss me, to touch me. It felt like a violation. I would push myself into relationships with men I felt were strangers because "well he's nice...we have a lot in common, maybe I should just give it a try...what's the worst that could happen" and every time I felt uncomfortable. And I really struggled with it because I simply didn't enjoy being intimate with any of the guys I was dating at all. When kissing I would find myself focusing more on the technical aspects or when it was ok for me to stop than deriving any pleasure from it. I would find myself constantly trying to convince myself to date someone because "he's nice, he's funny, we have stuff in common" when I knew deep down I wasn't interested because we didn't have and sort of deep emotional connection.

However when I finally understood that, understood that I am somewhat asexual/demisexual it was a terrible relief. Terrible because that means I am basically regulated to dating people I have a pre-existing emotional relationship with, which takes me a LONG time, and a relief because I finally understood what was "wrong" with me. I finally understood why I didn't enjoy kissing those men, why I could never make myself feel comfortable enough to have sex, and that it was just my bodies way of telling me I wasn't interested in them even though I was trying my hardest to convince myself otherwise. I simply haven't ever known anyone long enough, trusted anyone enough, cared for anyone enough to have sex, something I consider an intenstly intimate and personal act, an act of the deepest kind of connection, love.

I really appreciate this forum. It's nice just being able to talk about things with like minded people. My friends have a hard time understanding sometimes and I feel afraid to talk about it to too many people for fear of the "your just exaggerating, that's not a real thing, your just trying to get attention" criticism. This forum has helped me to realise I'm not just a strange little girl in a jumper who's a prude about sex.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Amoeba Colony

I guess I show too much enthusiasm when getting to know people. When I really click with someone, I'll talk to them day and night. That one definitely got me in trouble in the past. I didn't realize talking to someone you really get a long with as much as you can meant you were interested in them romantically? but that's how people take me. I guess i'm just a really affectionate person. I like to compliment people, I like to ask people about themselves, I like to try to relate to people, how am I supposed to do all that without leading someone on? I'm scared to talk to people TOO much now, not only because I have this intense fear that i'm annoying, but because I'm scared I'll give the wrong message.

I know a lot of you know what I'm talking about, and the guilt that comes with it.

So yeah, how do you deal with this?

I am very much a talker and have been accused of leading people on at times as well. If I discover I am rambling through a bunch of questions I will usually pause and ask people what they expect from our conversation. Of course I can also completely miss the ball and not realize I am doing it so it does not always work.

You explained and she apologized so it seems this situation ended well. Never be afraid to talk to people or too much. At least until someone requests you to stop talking and then only if they mean it for a good reason.

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I've had similar problems. I'm aromantic though I didn't realize until recently. It's been so many times that I've been talking to guys and even become friends with them only to realize they are interested in a relationship.

It feels cheap somehow. If someone wants to be friends it means they like the other persons personality. If they instead are interested in a relationship, or perhaps even just sex, it's much more shallow because looks plays a much bigger part.

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I've never had this happen, perhaps because I mostly hang out with nerds and geeks, and they're not exactly known for taking initiative towards romantic interests due to shyness and whatnot. I do think that I've possibly "friend zoned" a handful people instead, though, but if so, they've never said anything, so it's their fault for not being honest about their feelings. At this age, more and more people already have significant others, though, so this isn't such a huge risk. As long as I keep a certain amount of distance from single people of the opposite sex and mention being taken at some point, I think I'll hopefully never need to face this sort of drama.

I pretend to be allo irl all the time (easy enough for a heteroromantic), and don't really mind being mistaken for such, as long as it's clear that I'm not interested in you in particular! ;)

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She had made a post about being scared to wear certain clothes in public because she's FtM,

Is this a typo?

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