My Bf Says We Should Have Sex Weekly -- Even If It's Bad...

[Frigid Pink]

It's not up to just you and if he's someone who isn't willing to meet you somewhere in the middle or isn't 100% in, then it's better to find that out now and decide if this is really someone you want to be in a relationship with anymore. Sometimes we have to cut our losses and move on.

[Tool1989]

Yeah I was at one point worried about not find anyone else like a certain person either. I used AceBook and found someone...even though we only dated for a few dates, we remained lifelong friends for 8 years until her death. Try it...a partner shouldn't make you feel like shit. A partner should support you and be there for you and listen when you need somebody to listen to you.

If there is anything I want to say, it's that if you decide to stay in the relationship and do what he says, it will only make you feel more miserable about yourself. It's pretty much betraying the very core of you and it will only make you hate yourself and perhaps eventually even him. Compromising is great if both people are willing to do it...it can form a sense of closeness and respect for those that do respect those compromises. But if one person is doing all the compromising...it just doesn't work in the end. I don't really want to say what or what not to do...I kind of think you already know what you want to do.

Regardless, we are here to support you. I hope everything goes ok for you and that he hopefully comes to his senses and starts listening to your needs and wants.

[wolfling]

I don't write much here, but having been through an almost identical (!) experience, now some years in the past, I feel moved to offer the benefit of my hindsight, in case it's useful ...

Then mentioned that we should at least aim to have sex once a week -- even if it's bad and that eventually, we'll get back to how things were. I can't just keep sex from him forever... I need to compromise. He feels that once a week isn't asking for much.

First of all, this is ridiculously flawed logic. If you met someone who didn't like Brussels sprouts, would you tell them they had to eat them at least once a week, on the premise that regular exposure would cause them to start liking Brussels sprouts? I think not.

No, the only thing that will happen if you agree to this once-a-week 'compromise' (and I speak here from personal experience) is that you will become more and more miserable. If you are the sort of person to turn feelings inward, you may blame yourself and become increasingly depressed and self-loathing; if you turn feelings outward you may become angry and bitter and resentful. In either case, your relationship will not survive. It may not be a quick death (you might go on like that for months or even years, depending upon how resilient and/or masochistic you are) but you are dooming yourself to a long spiral of awful if you continue down that road.

One of the problems here is that our culture implicitly supports his assertion that 'once a week isn't asking for too much'. It wasn't that long ago when women were explicitly told that their 'duty' in marriage was to provide sex to their husband on demand, and although it's not so baldly stated these days, the idea that sex is a justifiable expectation in all partnered relationships is still prevalent and rarely challenged. In that cultural context, it's easy for him to make you feel like the unreasonable one.

But that's wrong. It's your body, and no one has a right to insist that you do anything with your body that you do not want to do. Ever. Not once a week, or once a day, or once a year. What he is doing? In harsh, but accurate language: he's using emotional blackmail to coerce you into having sex that you do not want. Which is, if you think about it, the definition of rape.

Now, does your boyfriend believe that he's raping you? No. He believes you are cruelly depriving him of something that he's perfectly entitled to. :/

If your relationship is going to work long-term, he is going to have to let go of that sense of entitlement. He's going to have to acknowledge that asexuality is a real, non-pathological thing, and accept it as part of your (perfectly valid and healthy) identity. And finally, he's going to have to decide for himself whether the lack of sex is a dealbreaker, or whether the non-sexual benefits of your relationship are sufficient for him to remain partnered with you.

In my own past, I was very slow to draw that line in the sand. I wish, in retrospect, that I had done so several years sooner. I was terrified of losing my partner J, who was far and away the best match for me I'd ever found (this after almost two decades of relationships, often in poly-parallel, so I had a *large* sample size) and I had absolutely zero evidence that any positive resolution was even possible.

Eventually I reached the point where I absolutely could not continue another day. I literally would have committed suicide before I subjected myself to sex again. And at that point, I finally said No More. No more 'compromising'. No more sex, at all, ever. I figured he would leave me, but by that point, it couldn't get any worse than where I already was.

I *really* don't recommend that you wait that long.

To my everlasting surprise, J decided he wanted to remain partnered with me, even with sex permanently off the table. He made the requisite adjustments to attitude and behavior -- not all at once, mind you; it took a few months for the basic conscious changes and maybe several years to root out all the little niggly unconscious ones. (There were a lot of subtle ways in which he'd pressure me for sex, for example, and those habits took a while to completely break.)

J said a very similar thing, by the way (although he didn't claim it applied to all men, just him): that sex equalled love for him, and that he didn't feel that I loved him if I wasn't having sex with him. Ultimately, for us to work, he had to learn to recognize and accept non-sexual expressions of love.

We went ... two or three years, I think? with no sex whatsoever, until I was really, truly convinced that his commitment was genuine and our continued relationship was not predicated on sex, now or in future. Then I began to very occasionally (much less often than once a month) offer him one of the sexual options that were least problematic for me, if and when I felt I could do so without substantial harm to myself. (Most of the changes were his, but this one was mine: I had to teach myself to remain firm and not volunteer to subsume my own well-being for the sake of my partner. Learning to recognize that line was actually quite tricky.)

J and I could never have reached this place without the hard stop and the ultimatum. I spent a lot of years torturing myself with attempts to 'compromise', when the real problems were base assumptions like 'something is wrong with you if you don't like sex' and 'our relationship entitles me to sex from you, regardless of your feelings on the matter' and 'if you don't have sex with me it means you don't love me'. And none of those budged one iota until I took a stand and forced the issue.

So my advice to you -- because our circumstances and personalities sound *extremely* similar -- is that you remove sex from the relationship altogether, right now. See if the two of you can work it out on those terms. If not ... well, as sad and painful as that is, it's where you would have ended up anyway, and at least you've avoided the aforementioned spiral of awful.

One last thing: you are correct that this is not a problem that can be solved with polyamory. First, because no third party can possibly be the solution to your existing problem -- and it's terribly unfair to the third party to bring her in on those terms. You absolutely do need to work your stuff out within your current relationship before looking outside it. So kudos to you for recognizing that early.

Second, I've been poly since forever, and while I always imagined that my partner's ability to have sex with other people would at the very least help take the pressure off me, in practice it never, ever worked that way. For some people it was because of the 'entitlement' issue (being with someone else didn't change that they still felt entitled to also be with me); in J's case I think it was some of that but mostly the 'I don't feel loved by you without sex' issue, which of course was not affected by any other sex he might have.

[WheelCuddle]

Would you be happy if he was faking romance to get to the sex? You assume that if you just give him sex that is enough, and maybe it is. But just like you want him to want to be romantic, he wants you to want to have sex. You said you don't want to feel like it's on you to maintain the relationship, and that makes some kind of sense. But it is precisely because you view the sex as an unpleasant task, a chore you have to do that you feel like you're the one working to maintain the relationship. I highly doubt he would be happy with that view. I know sexuals that feel bad when they only get sex once a week. I wouldn't just assume once a month is going to be enough.

You really need to talk to him and not contort yourself and him to make this work. Because if you keep on the path you're on, you're just going to start resenting each other and have a long slow decline until one of you has had enough. You seem to have decided that he should just be happy with once a month. Ask him.

[TheCosmicLady]

I don't write much here, but having been through an almost identical (!) experience, now some years in the past, I feel moved to offer the benefit of my hindsight, in case it's useful ...

Then mentioned that we should at least aim to have sex once a week -- even if it's bad and that eventually, we'll get back to how things were. I can't just keep sex from him forever... I need to compromise. He feels that once a week isn't asking for much.

First of all, this is ridiculously flawed logic. If you met someone who didn't like Brussels sprouts, would you tell them they had to eat them at least once a week, on the premise that regular exposure would cause them to start liking Brussels sprouts? I think not.

No, the only thing that will happen if you agree to this once-a-week 'compromise' (and I speak here from personal experience) is that you will become more and more miserable. If you are the sort of person to turn feelings inward, you may blame yourself and become increasingly depressed and self-loathing; if you turn feelings outward you may become angry and bitter and resentful. In either case, your relationship will not survive. It may not be a quick death (you might go on like that for months or even years, depending upon how resilient and/or masochistic you are) but you are dooming yourself to a long spiral of awful if you continue down that road.

One of the problems here is that our culture implicitly supports his assertion that 'once a week isn't asking for too much'. It wasn't that long ago when women were explicitly told that their 'duty' in marriage was to provide sex to their husband on demand, and although it's not so baldly stated these days, the idea that sex is a justifiable expectation in all partnered relationships is still prevalent and rarely challenged. In that cultural context, it's easy for him to make you feel like the unreasonable one.

But that's wrong. It's your body, and no one has a right to insist that you do anything with your body that you do not want to do. Ever. Not once a week, or once a day, or once a year. What he is doing? In harsh, but accurate language: he's using emotional blackmail to coerce you into having sex that you do not want. Which is, if you think about it, the definition of rape.

Now, does your boyfriend believe that he's raping you? No. He believes you are cruelly depriving him of something that he's perfectly entitled to. :/

If your relationship is going to work long-term, he is going to have to let go of that sense of entitlement. He's going to have to acknowledge that asexuality is a real, non-pathological thing, and accept it as part of your (perfectly valid and healthy) identity. And finally, he's going to have to decide for himself whether the lack of sex is a dealbreaker, or whether the non-sexual benefits of your relationship are sufficient for him to remain partnered with you.

In my own past, I was very slow to draw that line in the sand. I wish, in retrospect, that I had done so several years sooner. I was terrified of losing my partner J, who was far and away the best match for me I'd ever found (this after almost two decades of relationships, often in poly-parallel, so I had a *large* sample size) and I had absolutely zero evidence that any positive resolution was even possible.

Eventually I reached the point where I absolutely could not continue another day. I literally would have committed suicide before I subjected myself to sex again. And at that point, I finally said No More. No more 'compromising'. No more sex, at all, ever. I figured he would leave me, but by that point, it couldn't get any worse than where I already was.

I *really* don't recommend that you wait that long.

To my everlasting surprise, J decided he wanted to remain partnered with me, even with sex permanently off the table. He made the requisite adjustments to attitude and behavior -- not all at once, mind you; it took a few months for the basic conscious changes and maybe several years to root out all the little niggly unconscious ones. (There were a lot of subtle ways in which he'd pressure me for sex, for example, and those habits took a while to completely break.)

J said a very similar thing, by the way (although he didn't claim it applied to all men, just him): that sex equalled love for him, and that he didn't feel that I loved him if I wasn't having sex with him. Ultimately, for us to work, he had to learn to recognize and accept non-sexual expressions of love.

We went ... two or three years, I think? with no sex whatsoever, until I was really, truly convinced that his commitment was genuine and our continued relationship was not predicated on sex, now or in future. Then I began to very occasionally (much less often than once a month) offer him one of the sexual options that were least problematic for me, if and when I felt I could do so without substantial harm to myself. (Most of the changes were his, but this one was mine: I had to teach myself to remain firm and not volunteer to subsume my own well-being for the sake of my partner. Learning to recognize that line was actually quite tricky.)

J and I could never have reached this place without the hard stop and the ultimatum. I spent a lot of years torturing myself with attempts to 'compromise', when the real problems were base assumptions like 'something is wrong with you if you don't like sex' and 'our relationship entitles me to sex from you, regardless of your feelings on the matter' and 'if you don't have sex with me it means you don't love me'. And none of those budged one iota until I took a stand and forced the issue.

So my advice to you -- because our circumstances and personalities sound *extremely* similar -- is that you remove sex from the relationship altogether, right now. See if the two of you can work it out on those terms. If not ... well, as sad and painful as that is, it's where you would have ended up anyway, and at least you've avoided the aforementioned spiral of awful.

One last thing: you are correct that this is not a problem that can be solved with polyamory. First, because no third party can possibly be the solution to your existing problem -- and it's terribly unfair to the third party to bring her in on those terms. You absolutely do need to work your stuff out within your current relationship before looking outside it. So kudos to you for recognizing that early.

Second, I've been poly since forever, and while I always imagined that my partner's ability to have sex with other people would at the very least help take the pressure off me, in practice it never, ever worked that way. For some people it was because of the 'entitlement' issue (being with someone else didn't change that they still felt entitled to also be with me); in J's case I think it was some of that but mostly the 'I don't feel loved by you without sex' issue, which of course was not affected by any other sex he might have.

Thank you so very much for sharing your experience! This is actually very helpful for me... As was everyone else's advice. But what you have said especially speaks to me. I'm very sorry you had to go through all of that, but I'm glad that you finally came to a place of balance. :) This poly thing probably can never truly work for us, because of what we're looking for... I want to focus on the love/cuddling/romancing... He wants to focus on the sexual experimenting element, though he admits that if the arrangement is less temporary, he can grow to care for that other person on a friendship level. The last thing I need is to invite another allosexual into our relationship. You pointed out that you felt like that could have taken the pressure off of you to have sex... I was in that train of thought for a while, but now I really don't know. Another thing that's hard for me to come to terms with is his constant dirty humor and his borderline obsession with porn, porn stars, and "liking" revealing pictures of girls on FB. I assume that's pretty normal, but I get an objectification vibe from him quite a bit. Unfortunately, I'm starting to become sexually repulsed... I was NEVER that way, I was more sex-neutral or disinterested. So, yeah... I can attempt to just say no to sex altogether and try non-sexual expressions of love. But whenever I bring that up and say, "Perhaps we can light some candles and massage each other" and list off other things we could do that would mean a lot to me... We just never do unless I initiate it and part of me feels like he's only doing it in hopes that it will lead to something more. At this point, I'd only be having sex in hopes of the romance being rekindled between us and satisfying him. Unfortunately, I tear up a lot during sex and just can't take it anymore. One of my good friends is also a gray-A and her and her bf haven't done anything in nearly a year--no kissing or cuddling either. When I brought that up to my bf, he mentioned how terrible it was and he could never do that. I suppose I have my answer... :(

Asexual to him is not normal or healthy. It's something that needs to be fixed. Now he's wondering about my hormone levels and how any person my age could feel this disinterested in something that comes so naturally. He's even commented on how this whole thing makes him feel like we're an elderly couple. I wish I could just sweep this issue under the rug... he is absolutely perfect in every other way!! Can you tell I'm in denial?

[WheelCuddle]

I think you should look at this as a learning experience. No one can "fix" you. Resist the urge to let your new relationship feelings set up unrealistic sexual patterns. Be upfront about your asexuality. Yeah, it will be a great filter for most people, and that can be hard to take. But your alternative is to end up in this position over and over.

There is a documentary on netflix called asexuality, maybe you could watch it together. Perhaps if he understands it's not a disorder, he can accept it easier.

However, it sounds like a deal breaker for him, and as much as you want to cling to the emotional aspects, it is not enough for most people. You can't be perfect in every way except for a fundamental driving force of human nature. That's not a small thing you can just ignore.

[Frigid Pink]

Can you tell I'm in denial?

... yes. -_-

It doesn't matter if they're "perfect in every other way" if they're not a match where it counts.

[Sally]

Asexual to him is not normal or healthy. It's something that needs to be fixed. Now he's wondering about my hormone levels and how any person my age could feel this disinterested in something that comes so naturally. He's even commented on how this whole thing makes him feel like we're an elderly couple. I wish I could just sweep this issue under the rug... he is absolutely perfect in every other way!! Can you tell I'm in denial?

OK, to him, you're not normal or healthy, you need to be fixed, and your dislike of sex means you want him to be part of an elderly couple.

So if you were just a different person, he'd want to be in a relationship with you. But because you're you, he doesn't.

Can you hear that?

[Guest]

Why is the person who becomes "cold and quiet" the one whose feelings are important? The other person (in this case, the OP) was uncomfortable; that's why they stopped. It sounds like she apologized because she thought what happened was her fault (otherwise, why apologize?). What the cold and quiet person should do would be to try to comfort the person who was uncomfortable, not mope.

Are you seriously asking me why someone who's overwhelmed with emotions and simply can't deal currently should have the right to be left alone? I consider that right the basis for any relationship. Everyone involved should have the option to retreat and find a stable place within themselves. Anything else would mean you now depend on the other's well-being for your own well-being and I don't consider that healthy.

So much this. I tried very hard to learn not to sit and cry... overwhelming feelings tend to make me cry, which hurt her feelings and I get that... but my right to be left alone should never be taken from me.

Also, I totally have that whole can't carry on romantic love without expressions of sexuality thing. Romantic isn't enough... I need some channel for sexual expression or I just lose the feelings.

Um um... Oh. Right. So, the aiming for once a week and doing it no matter what... not sure where that advice originated, but it's very common. My partner and I tried to do it too. I kind of think it's some sort of sex therapy old wives' tale. Anyway, your bf probably didn't just make it up... that's absolutely something that I've heard from many people in many places.

[TheCosmicLady]

I can't emphasize enough how much I appreciate everybody's feedback. I like that you just tell me how it is, rather than sugar-coating. I'm actually going to sit down and watch this documentary as we speak--and will then see if he'd be interested in sitting down with me to watch it or at least take a look at this forum. Thank you, WheelCuddle.

[KendraPM]

I can say from experience (both my own and in watching my friends' relationships crash and burn) it doesn't matter if you two are perfect for each other in every other area, sexual compatibility-whether too much, not enough, difference preferences, differences in sexual drive, etc-is important and when they don't match (or aren't close enough to count) can and will break a realtionship. "Sex doesn't matter" is a misleading statement because sexual compatibility is a highly important and necessary part of any long lasting romantic realtionship. You can be perfect for each other in every way, but if you aren't sexually compatible, you might as well be romantically incompatible.

I'm not saying that to say you two won't work, because I don't know what he thinks or if sex is an absoulte must for him, however from what you've said, it very much sounds like you two are not compatible in that area. And there's no fixing that. It's a live and learn lesson. He needs someone sexual and with a high sex drive and you need someone who is indifferent to sex.

[Tarfeather]

Um um... Oh. Right. So, the aiming for once a week and doing it no matter what... not sure where that advice originated, but it's very common. My partner and I tried to do it too. I kind of think it's some sort of sex therapy old wives' tale. Anyway, your bf probably didn't just make it up... that's absolutely something that I've heard from many people in many places.

Well, it sounds like something that could work for people who aren't.. asexual. >_>

"Sex doesn't matter" is a misleading statement because sexual compatibility is a highly important and necessary part of any long lasting romantic realtionship. You can be perfect for each other in every way, but if you aren't sexually compatible, you might as well be romantically incompatible.

I'm not saying that to say you two won't work, because I don't know what he thinks or if sex is an absoulte must for him, however from what you've said, it very much sounds like you two are not compatible in that area. And there's no fixing that. It's a live and learn lesson. He needs someone sexual and with a high sex drive and you need someone who is indifferent to sex.

One of the many reasons I consider romance to not be worth pursuing. In my experience, a friendship can be as fulfilling in every way, and it doesn't require sexual compatibility to work out.

[TheCosmicLady]

I watched the Asexual Documentary on Netflix. A part of me is nervous to recommend it to him because he has even told me in the past... It's not healthy to accept any label, because they can become confining and keep you from being your genuine self. I'm suspecting it's just his denial of my non-sexuality. When I tried coming out to a few friends in the past, they kept on reassuring me that there's no possible way that I am and my past must have traumatized me. I'm so sick of people not taking this seriously!! It's one thing to not understand it, but it's a whole other thing to discredit it. Thank goodness for AVEN... and !

[Frigid Pink]

I watched the Asexual Documentary on Netflix. A part of me is nervous to recommend it to him because he has even told me in the past... It's not healthy to accept any label, because they can become confining and keep you from being your genuine self. I'm suspecting it's just his denial of my non-sexuality. When I tried coming out to a few friends in the past, they kept on reassuring me that there's no possible way that I am and my past must have traumatized me. I'm so sick of people not taking this seriously!! It's one thing to not understand it, but it's a whole other thing to discredit it. Thank goodness for AVEN... and !

I dislike that documentary and wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

On a side (and obvious) note, if someone is sick of people not taking them seriously, then maybe they need to associate with different people.

[Star Bit]

Definitely sounds like the people in your life are in denial. It's hard for people to understand something they can't feel themselves. But where it counts is in your bf believing it, and if he doesn't/doesn't come to then he's even more so not the right one for you.

[TheCosmicLady]

Luckily, those people I was referring to are mostly ex-friends. I have lost lots of "friends" over the years, but I suppose it's for the best! I'd rather have a few genuine people in my life as opposed to many non-compassionate individuals.

About the documentary... I thought it was okay, but there were parts that really made me just want to stop watching it unfortunately. Maybe that's not the best thing to show him. Might as well just share this entire thread... Something tells me it would upset him, lol. Oh well, the truth is the truth.

[Star Bit]

Some people blame themselves, maybe that's why he's in shock after sexual rejection. Either way it would be useful on both your parts for him to try to put it into words. Maybe go throug a list of emotions if he's that lost for words. This may sound like an insult but pictures can help with that.

And i just remembered!! Maybe he has the same thing as a youtuber i watch; the inability to distinguish what he's feeling. Which in that case needs therapy, and this can help his life as a whole. I'll just give you the link to his video and you can see if he reconciles with it. (trigger warning though) But i googled it and got autism and depression with that symptom so maybe you should look into that with him.