My Bf Says We Should Have Sex Weekly -- Even If It's Bad...

[TheCosmicLady]

I took this down. Was too personal. Sorry!

[Ficulnean]

If he sticks to his current line of thought, then breaking up will probably be the end result. Even if you try your best, for as long as you can, you know that you'll wear yourself out. Is it worth it, then, for nothing?

On the optimistic side, there are some things to say. The traits you've had if responding to your past partners is something that you can't be faulted for; you were trying to make things work, and sincerely thought it would. It seems, this time, you weren't even expecting this to happen again. No point assigning any self blame there.

Next, for him to attribute your behaviour to your past experiences, if you've told him otherwise, is something I find inexcusable. You experienced these traumas and can best say how they've affected you, and nobody else should be able to tell you whether you are or are not still suffering from having been a victim. In my mind, that's equivalent to trying to make you a victim again. Also, your courage on not committing to polyamory when you realized there's thing in your relationship that need to be worked on, realizing that not the right time for it even if it could work for you two in the future, is comendable.

And, your insecurity about asexuality is a perfectly normal reaction when the person in your life that should be most supportive of it is denying that it exists. And, that's a pretty big deal; from what I understand he's not just denying that you're asexual, but that asexuality exists. We have three members reading this topic itself at my time of writing this. The point is, he's taking an extreme position, and even if you want to further explore your asexuality, the types of doubts that he has are still something that you should feel comfortable dismissing.

Second, his line of reasoning isn't in itself consistent. He claim that sex is simply an expression of love; if it's just an expression to him then he should be able admit that there are many other ways to display love. I'd go so far to say that an unwanted expression of love, knowingly made in spite of another person, shows selfishness. He should be able to admit that sex for him is about more than expression, but also the very (natural) biological pleasure it gives him. If it was only about expression, he'd find a way to compromise with you, because the best expression is one everyone can appreciate.

These are the issues I'd try working on communicating with him with. Assuming he understands these things (and, honestly, assuming you relate to these things) then he'd understand at minimum that once a week is too high a standard, and that the way to go about adding sex IF it's absolutely necessary and you're willing to make that compromise, is to do so slowly. Working up to it. Not forcing it until it fits.

[Batman's Ace]

The subject of "compromise" just came up in another thread...you might find it interesting. Here's the link.

"As men, sex is directly connected to love. It's one of the best ways for us to communicate our love to the person we care about the most. Not having regular sex that you enthusiastically want too, makes me feel less inclined/inspired to do romantic things or cuddle with you, etc."

I have a few reactions to this. Number one is, this may be true of some men, but by no means all. Number two, if you became genuinely physically unable to have sex, this definitely begs the question whether he'd stop loving you and wind up leaving you. Number three, if he knows that his way of expressing love actually doesn't communicate that love correctly to the person he loves, he should be willing to find another way to do it, and not blame you or use the miscommunication as an excuse to avoid showing love in other ways.

If this were really about communicating to you, he shouldn't be stopping the very activities that do communicate love to you. It sounds much more like sex is the currency you'd have to pay for the expressions of love that actually mean something to you. And that's not right.

This kind of difference hurts very much, for both people. If you can find a way to make poly work for you, great. If not, as much as you may not like this, it's quite possible both of you would be better off looking for more suitable partners. You should not force yourself to do something you don't want for his sake. No matter how wonderful a partner he is, he's not worth the physical or the emotional pain, and he's already shown an inclination to use your emotions against you.

[TheCosmicLady]

If he sticks to his current line of thought, then breaking up will probably be the end result. Even if you try your best, for as long as you can, you know that you'll wear yourself out. Is it worth it, then, for nothing?

On the optimistic side, there are some things to say. The traits you've had if responding to your past partners is something that you can't be faulted for; you were trying to make things work, and sincerely thought it would. It seems, this time, you weren't even expecting this to happen again. No point assigning any self blame there.

Next, for him to attribute your behaviour to your past experiences, if you've told him otherwise, is something I find inexcusable. You experienced these traumas and can best say how they've affected you, and nobody else should be able to tell you whether you are or are not still suffering from having been a victim. In my mind, that's equivalent to trying to make you a victim again. Also, your courage on not committing to polyamory when you realized there's thing in your relationship that need to be worked on, realizing that not the right time for it even if it could work for you two in the future, is comendable.

And, your insecurity about asexuality is a perfectly normal reaction when the person in your life that should be most supportive of it is denying that it exists. And, that's a pretty big deal; from what I understand he's not just denying that you're asexual, but that asexuality exists. We have three members reading this topic itself at my time of writing this. The point is, he's taking an extreme position, and even if you want to further explore your asexuality, the types of doubts that he has are still something that you should feel comfortable dismissing.

Second, his line of reasoning isn't in itself consistent. He claim that sex is simply an expression of love; if it's just an expression to him then he should be able admit that there are many other ways to display love. I'd go so far to say that an unwanted expression of love, knowingly made in spite of another person, shows selfishness. He should be able to admit that sex for him is about more than expression, but also the very (natural) biological pleasure it gives him. If it was only about expression, he'd find a way to compromise with you, because the best expression is one everyone can appreciate.

These are the issues I'd try working on communicating with him with. Assuming he understands these things (and, honestly, assuming you relate to these things) then he'd understand at minimum that once a week is too high a standard, and that the way to go about adding sex IF it's absolutely necessary and you're willing to make that compromise, is to do so slowly. Working up to it. Not forcing it until it fits.

Thank you for everything you said here. It makes me realize that I'm being way too hard on myself... I shouldn't feel guilty because of my asexuality. Whenever I talk to him about our sex life or lack thereof, we always end up in a state of awkwardness. He has no clue what to say and after long contemplation just ends up saying things that are hurtful (though I know that's never his aim).

[Ricecream-man]

What you do is your decision, but I want to refute the whole for men sex is love concept that he talked about. Plenty of my sexual friends would disagree. Sex can be a part of love sure, but it's not indicative of it. Plus, sex can be had often without it as well.

[WünderBâhr]

I usually try to encourage understanding and compromise in feelings, but with a side dose of reality when people ask for advice about relationships. The gist of what I would say in this case goes a little something like this:

I'm not an expert on this sort of stuff by any means (personal disclaimer), but it seems to me that relationship issues are about needs. One's needs cannot supercede another's (unless it is of mutual benefit; see: certain relationship power dynamics), or the relationship breaks down. Problem being that a lot of people try to address wants as needs, and it can get rather confusing and feel wholly unfair.

I think it has to be incredibly difficult for you both, especially in a mixed relationship where libidos and such don't match up. It might serve your bf well to know that less romantic gestures are a surefire way of reducing your wanting to compromise, especially as that is what you seem to present as a need. It also seems that you're taking his needs into consideration in ways he may not realize. Have you spoken to him about everything you've shared with us, here?

Hrmn.. if the relationship for him boils down to connection (enotional and otherwise) via sex and without it connection cannot be established, that is a hard truth that both of you will have to face. It's not ideal (no judgment from me on this, btw), but I understand that people have different needs. If the likelihood of compromise continues to go down (reasonably so, given what you've posted here), a breakup may be the best solution.

Question time: if sex was completely off the table (like an agreement between you both that the expectation of sex would no longer be a thing), how would that make you feel and react? Would you be more or less inclined to sensual affection? Would you be more or less inclined to instigate touch or anything he would deem physically stimulating?

Side questions: How do you feel about those things, right now? How do both of you define affection/romance within the relationship as well as outside of it?

I think these might be important details to know to help you decide further compatibility and whether either of you want to commit and invest more of yourselves to the relationship. Alongside with everything the previous posters have stated (and stated well), of course.

I'm not sure if anything I've said or asked, here, is helpful. I know I don't have any solid answers. I do hope, however, that it works out for the best, for both of you, no matter what you both decide to do. Many hugs.

[Ficulnean]

If he sticks to his current line of thought, then breaking up will probably be the end result. Even if you try your best, for as long as you can, you know that you'll wear yourself out. Is it worth it, then, for nothing?

On the optimistic side, there are some things to say. The traits you've had if responding to your past partners is something that you can't be faulted for; you were trying to make things work, and sincerely thought it would. It seems, this time, you weren't even expecting this to happen again. No point assigning any self blame there.

Next, for him to attribute your behaviour to your past experiences, if you've told him otherwise, is something I find inexcusable. You experienced these traumas and can best say how they've affected you, and nobody else should be able to tell you whether you are or are not still suffering from having been a victim. In my mind, that's equivalent to trying to make you a victim again. Also, your courage on not committing to polyamory when you realized there's thing in your relationship that need to be worked on, realizing that not the right time for it even if it could work for you two in the future, is comendable.

And, your insecurity about asexuality is a perfectly normal reaction when the person in your life that should be most supportive of it is denying that it exists. And, that's a pretty big deal; from what I understand he's not just denying that you're asexual, but that asexuality exists. We have three members reading this topic itself at my time of writing this. The point is, he's taking an extreme position, and even if you want to further explore your asexuality, the types of doubts that he has are still something that you should feel comfortable dismissing.

Second, his line of reasoning isn't in itself consistent. He claim that sex is simply an expression of love; if it's just an expression to him then he should be able admit that there are many other ways to display love. I'd go so far to say that an unwanted expression of love, knowingly made in spite of another person, shows selfishness. He should be able to admit that sex for him is about more than expression, but also the very (natural) biological pleasure it gives him. If it was only about expression, he'd find a way to compromise with you, because the best expression is one everyone can appreciate.

These are the issues I'd try working on communicating with him with. Assuming he understands these things (and, honestly, assuming you relate to these things) then he'd understand at minimum that once a week is too high a standard, and that the way to go about adding sex IF it's absolutely necessary and you're willing to make that compromise, is to do so slowly. Working up to it. Not forcing it until it fits.

Thank you for everything you said here. It makes me realize that I'm being way too hard on myself... I shouldn't feel guilty because of my asexuality. Whenever I talk to him about our sex life or lack thereof, we always end up in a state of awkwardness. He has no clue what to say and after long contemplation just ends up saying things that are hurtful (though I know that's never his aim).

I'm glad for whatever I could help with. You're right, you shouldn't feel guilty because of your asexuality. Every sexuality has its own set of common issues, even heterosexuality where kids are expected. That you work through whatever comes up in whatever way is best for you is all that's required of you; preventing these things is an impossible burden.

And, I don't doubt that he's a decent person who just has no point of reference for what you're experiencing. There's nothing wrong with that reaction. But, what is wrong is refusing to understand that he's in a relationship with a unique person-you-who he needs to be responsive to. (It's that simple; it isn't even about whether he can understand asexuality.)

Of course, part of the issue of how he knows what to respond to and how he knows what's hurtful is what you communicate to him. That should be made easier by you knowing what you want from a relationship and what your 'deal breakers' are, but the next time he says that you're simply traumatized and avoiding intimacy and asexuality isn't real, and let's make an obligation out of sex (seriously, even if you do agree to have sex, mandating how often is extreme, and makes what can otherwise be a valid compromise in a healthy relationship an obligation in an unhealthy one) then I hope you'll feel assured in asserting your own opinions. Mayhaps with this information of your own goals and desires you can even think through his possible reactions to your opinions and go really above and beyond to make whatever conversation you guys have something that doesn't get stuck in a dead end (although, even if you don't do that, if it gets in a dead end during his turn to respond, that not something you're accountable for. Actually, sometimes, even knowing how to respond to reactions doesn't help here, showing clearly how his reply to you is his responsibility.)

Actually, bipolar bear, posted above me, has the right headway for the questions you need to be asking yourself to start reacting in a concrete way.

[MoraDollie]

If there's any phobias because of sex or anything like that, honestly a sex therapist can help you feel comfortable again.

[Gotsu]

"As men, sex is directly connected to love. It's one of the best ways for us to communicate our love to the person we care about the most. Not having regular sex that you enthusiastically want too, makes me feel less inclined/inspired to do romantic things or cuddle with you, etc." I admit, I have noticed a decline in his romantic gestures.

For me that sounds like "I don't know how to love without sex". Cuddles, holding hands, hugs and stuff like that are not always considered a huge deal for some people.

Also, there's the thing of givin somethin to someone and then take it away from them. Is like if I give you a candy everyday for a month and the next one I give you nothin. You would feel that something is wrong, isn't? And you would probably blame me. In the other hand, men tend to relate their sex performance to their masculinity. So some just feel that they are failing as a men when their girlfriend saids "no", which is a thing. Take in mind that sayin things like "I don't like sex" translates to a men as "You are doin it wrong, is not pleasant".

The only advice that I can give you is that men are stupid, and we often miss important information. He is probably thinkin that something is wrong with ya (to protect his man pride). Just convince him that he's doin fine, that his penis is fine. I just that you feel sex is not that important to you and is somethin that he needs to comprehend. If he can't, well, that's up to him.

[EmpathyAce]

Remember, it's your body and you're in charge of it. Not him. If he's going to be headstrong about once a week and you are uncomfortable with that, then he is disrespecting your wishes, and it may be time to say "when" and call the relationship off.

I know that can be tough, but in the long run, forcing yourself into something you don't like won't make anyone any happier.

Also, about that whole "sex is directly connected to love" thing, my cousin who was recently married said the same thing. She says that for men, sex and love are the same thing, pretty much. That one means the other.

It isn't the case with all guys, but it seems to be with quite a few.

I'd say to just think of yourself and your feelings first. Trying so hard for the other person in the relationship while not really being happy or invested yourself will just end up damaging the relationship in the long run, and it will be more stressful for you.

[KendraPM]

Everything I would have said has been said. You have recieved some excellent advice here. But I do want to add one little thing. Libidos. They vary greatly, even amoung sexuals. A quick example I'm going to use is a friend of mine and her husband. Her husband wanted sex about once a month, while her sex drive had her wanting sex three times a day. Neither is abnormal, neither is "wrong" or needs to be fixed. People are all different. They were not the first couple I've known with vastly different sex drives. And it's not fair for either side to demand the other one follow their schedule. Comprimise can work, but only if both sides are willing to give. And even then, comprimise isn't always the best option (I know, I know, you should always try and comprimise, but there are going to be those situations in which comprimise is not an option. And that is OK, but know that those times the relationship will most likely end.)

[Star Bit]

There are many other ways to have sex. And most of which don't require your arousal.

Secondly, if your partner does not accept your sexuality then he's not the right partner.

His explanation on sex may make sense if you know that the highest dose of oxytocin; the bonding hormone, is released durring sex. Some people's bodies can't release it to that level any other way. So essentially sex derps his mind up to act romantically and without it he's left up to his own desires which aren't as strong.

[Tarfeather]

Recently, when we tried to have sex, it started feeling uncomfortable so we stopped. He got all cold and quiet with me, which really hurt. Especially after I apologized to him and told him I wish I wasn't this way. He just kept on being quiet...

I don't know about him, but sometimes I got into that "cold and quiet" mood when it came to my girlfriend not wanting to share sexuality with me, and in those situations it was best just to leave me alone. Apologizing or anything of the sort wouldn't really make me feel better, and after a few hours I'd be able to snap out of it. However, that's just me, I've got no idea what he's like.

[TheCosmicLady]

Thank you for all of the amazing advice everyone! You've all been very helpful. :) I try to really empathize with him, instead of villianize him. I figure sex is as important to him as cuddling is to me. Sometimes, when he's not up for cuddling or holding hands, I get really disappointed and withdraw--even hurt. That's what seems to happen when I say "no" to his initiation of sex. By the way, I do let him know that there's NOTHING wrong with his performance and that he's wonderful at everything he does... It's just the way that I'm wired and I'd be this way with anyone. The thing that makes this situation especially difficult is that if we don't have sex more than once a month, his desire in the romance department dwindles, which in turn, makes me even less inclined to do anything sexual whatsoever. Luckily, he has pointed out to me that sex isn't the only important element to our relationship and there are SO many other aspects--all of which are very fulfilling. On a friendship level, we're the best of friends. On an intellectual level, we can talk about the mysteries of life until the crack of dawn. We're both very silly people and we laugh a lot together. This is the best relationship I have ever been in. And it's been the same way for him (obviously not sexually). He makes it a point that no matter what, he wouldn't end our relationship over this and he can tolerate it. In fact, when he first met me, he thought I was far from sexual and almost disinterested, but he liked me so much that he didn't mind. But then I "surprised" him--only because I was vibing off of him sexually. This feels like my fault. :/ If I was forthright with all of this from the get-go with no vibing/trying to make someone happy all while making myself miserable... then my typically non-existent libido wouldn't come as such a shock to him.

[Star Bit]

Does he know about your decrease in sexual compromise due to his romantic decrease?

[TheCosmicLady]

Does he know about your decrease in sexual compromise due to his romantic decrease?

Yes, I've let him know this. It seems that the solution is to be sexual more often. Well, that's what he said.

[Frigid Pink]

If there's an incompatibility, then there's no workable "solution," and it sounds like that may be the case here, and that's okay. It's up to you to decide what is and isn't tolerable. Overall, it's important to remember that your wants/needs/desires are just as important as those of your partner and a "solution" is one that works for both of you and is about the happiness of both people and not just one person. I wish you the best!

[TheCosmicLady]

You know what one of my biggest fears is? That I'll never find someone with such similarities who is also asexual like me. :(

This has been my longest relationship AND we also live together... So, it would be nice to make this truly work. He seems okay continuing a relationship even if he's never truly fulfilled sexually. I don't think I can live with that... perhaps the tension is self-created, but I feel that I can't believe him. At the same time, why can't I just accept that he doesn't want to leave me regardless of this one and only incompatibility? Deep down, I know a part of him hopes that one day, I'll return to how things were. And things very well could, but I'll revert back to... myself.

[Star Bit]

I know the relationship isn't to this point yet, but I'm replying to you saying you won't find someone else; namely another asexual with his interests. I want to point out that there are asexual dating sites and there's a meet up section on this site. Also, you're right in that he could be holding out hope that you're going to change, but he could also be right in that he can take the sexual dissatisfaction. Or he could currently think that while his urges prove him otherwise later in the relationship. It's really up to him and whether he's being honest with you and himself. You need to make him seriously consider the high possibility of your initial sex drive never coming back/that you will never reciprocate his sexual feelings in the future.

[TheCosmicLady]

You're absolutely right, Star Bit! Thanks for your advice! :)

[Sally]

Recently, when we tried to have sex, it started feeling uncomfortable so we stopped. He got all cold and quiet with me, which really hurt. Especially after I apologized to him and told him I wish I wasn't this way. He just kept on being quiet...

I don't know about him, but sometimes I got into that "cold and quiet" mood when it came to my girlfriend not wanting to share sexuality with me, and in those situations it was best just to leave me alone. Apologizing or anything of the sort wouldn't really make me feel better, and after a few hours I'd be able to snap out of it. However, that's just me, I've got no idea what he's like.

Why is the person who becomes "cold and quiet" the one whose feelings are important? The other person (in this case, the OP) was uncomfortable; that's why they stopped. It sounds like she apologized because she thought what happened was her fault (otherwise, why apologize?). What the cold and quiet person should do would be to try to comfort the person who was uncomfortable, not mope.

[Star Bit]

I can see someone moping the first/few times but after that he really should be concerned about you.

[TheCosmicLady]

I'm not quite sure if its moping per say. He assures me that he's not the type to "mope" or sulk over things. He just literally doesn't know what to say and has no past experiences to go off of. Seems like comforting someone in awkward situations isn't something he's good at... Whenever I've tried to comfort him, he seems to get agitated and uncomfortable--and would rather be left alone... Perhaps he's self-projecting? Ugh, things are just so complicated! To him, I'm the overly sensitive and overly analytical one and he is far from it. I'm starting to really doubt that!

[passionatefriend61]

Dump him.

Anyone who says "we should have sex weekly even if it sucks (for you)" is an asshole.

[passionatefriend61]

And by the way, as long as you're tied up in your current romantic relationship, you're definitely not going to get into a happily nonsexual RR with another ace. Even if you happened to meet one, it wouldn't matter, would it? Because you'd be unavailable.

[Tarfeather]

Why is the person who becomes "cold and quiet" the one whose feelings are important? The other person (in this case, the OP) was uncomfortable; that's why they stopped. It sounds like she apologized because she thought what happened was her fault (otherwise, why apologize?). What the cold and quiet person should do would be to try to comfort the person who was uncomfortable, not mope.

Are you seriously asking me why someone who's overwhelmed with emotions and simply can't deal currently should have the right to be left alone? I consider that right the basis for any relationship. Everyone involved should have the option to retreat and find a stable place within themselves. Anything else would mean you now depend on the other's well-being for your own well-being and I don't consider that healthy.

[TheCosmicLady]

Why is the person who becomes "cold and quiet" the one whose feelings are important? The other person (in this case, the OP) was uncomfortable; that's why they stopped. It sounds like she apologized because she thought what happened was her fault (otherwise, why apologize?). What the cold and quiet person should do would be to try to comfort the person who was uncomfortable, not mope.

Are you seriously asking me why someone who's overwhelmed with emotions and simply can't deal currently should have the right to be left alone? I consider that right the basis for any relationship. Everyone involved should have the option to retreat and find a stable place within themselves. Anything else would mean you now depend on the other's well-being for your own well-being and I don't consider that healthy.

Yeah, I definitely like to see things from both sides. Both of our feelings are equally as important at all times. He's not getting all quiet on me to be mean or to get back at me... He kept on emphasizing he was at a loss for words after the few minutes or so of dead silence. That signifies overwhelm and while there is nothing wrong with that, it would be better off not to ignore the other person right after a negative sexual experience. "I'm sorry things didn't work out tonight..." No response. "I wish I wasn't this way" as I start to tear up... No response. Try to touch him. No response. By that time, I just feel like the world's worst girlfriend.

[KendraPM]

Why is the person who becomes "cold and quiet" the one whose feelings are important? The other person (in this case, the OP) was uncomfortable; that's why they stopped. It sounds like she apologized because she thought what happened was her fault (otherwise, why apologize?). What the cold and quiet person should do would be to try to comfort the person who was uncomfortable, not mope.

Are you seriously asking me why someone who's overwhelmed with emotions and simply can't deal currently should have the right to be left alone? I consider that right the basis for any relationship. Everyone involved should have the option to retreat and find a stable place within themselves. Anything else would mean you now depend on the other's well-being for your own well-being and I don't consider that healthy.

Yeah, I definitely like to see things from both sides. Both of our feelings are equally as important at all times. He's not getting all quiet on me to be mean or to get back at me... He kept on emphasizing he was at a loss for words after the few minutes or so of dead silence. That signifies overwhelm and while there is nothing wrong with that, it would be better off not to ignore the other person right after a negative sexual experience. "I'm sorry things didn't work out tonight..." No response. "I wish I wasn't this way" as I start to tear up... No response. Try to touch him. No response. By that time, I just feel like the world's worst girlfriend.

Sounds to me like you have two different ways of dealing with the situation. Neither is wrong, but it's like a touch adverse person being around a tactile person, it'll be hard on both sides. You need to talk and give/recieve comfort, while he needs to withdraw and find a stable place internally. Neither is a "wrong" response, they are just whats best for each of you. However, you're hurting each other by not getting from each other what you need.

You'll both nee dto find a stable ground here and learn how to comprimise in this area. At the moment, both you emotional needs are being neglected. His by not getting his interal time, and you by not getting your interaction. This is a tough issue, because even if you find a way to work through the sexual differences, this way of handleing a tough situation will most likely crop up in a different area.

[WheelCuddle]

The fact of the matter is, you have the right to express yourself romantically, and sexually (or not) as you desire.

He has the right to express himself romantically, and sexually as he desires.

Whether or not you intended to, you began in such a way that he found you compatible. then, for your reasons, you decided (or rather your asexuality asserted) to alter that compatibility. The only thing that can happen now is a ground floor reassessment. You changed the rules of the game, yet you (understandably) want to coast on everything you emotionally have built to the this point. It can't work like that.

You wondering why you cant keep the emotional stuff without the sex that you initially agreed to by your actions is the exact same as him saying, why can't we have sex? He might find your proposition equally repulsive.

You need to have a frank conversation with him about exactly what you are willing to do sexually. For example, you might find a blowjob or a handjob agreeable, or you might be repulsed by them. He might find that is enough of a sexual release that he can live with it. Or he may decide that it's just not going to meet his needs. You have to prepare for that outcome. Or you can both suffer as you try to coast on what you had, until it eventually comes to a stop.

You can't ignore his sexuality because you like the emotional relationship, anymore than he can ignore your asexuality because he likes the sex.

[TheCosmicLady]

The fact of the matter is, you have the right to express yourself romantically, and sexually (or not) as you desire.

He has the right to express himself romantically, and sexually as he desires.

Whether or not you intended to, you began in such a way that he found you compatible. then, for your reasons, you decided (or rather your asexuality asserted) to alter that compatibility. The only thing that can happen now is a ground floor reassessment. You changed the rules of the game, yet you (understandably) want to coast on everything you emotionally have built to the this point. It can't work like that.

You wondering why you cant keep the emotional stuff without the sex that you initially agreed to by your actions is the exact same as him saying, why can't we have sex? He might find your proposition equally repulsive.

You need to have a frank conversation with him about exactly what you are willing to do sexually. For example, you might find a blowjob or a handjob agreeable, or you might be repulsed by them. He might find that is enough of a sexual release that he can live with it. Or he may decide that it's just not going to meet his needs. You have to prepare for that outcome. Or you can both suffer as you try to coast on what you had, until it eventually comes to a stop.

You can't ignore his sexuality because you like the emotional relationship, anymore than he can ignore your asexuality because he likes the sex.

I see what you mean here, but the fact of the matter is this: he is not aromantic. So, his only excuse for not doing as many romantic things anymore is due to lack of sexual release. And it's not like I've deprived him completely. While we only have sex on a monthly basis, we do other things throughout the month. Yes, I was misleading in the beginning due to my own confusion... But he even mentioned that he was still planning on dating me even when he thought I was completely innocent and prude. Right now, it seems like if I want more romance, I have to have more sex. For him to give more romance knowing that it could help things doesn't seem as bad. It's also true that he hasn't completely deprived me of the romantic element either, but still. If he was aromantic... That would be a whole other story. I just don't want to feel like it's up to me to make things fulfilling again.