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Polyamory advice


Densoro

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I've been in a relationship for about ten months now, but my partner recently realized she's polyamorous. We've talked about it a lot, and it's not like she's done anything behind my back or anything, but I'm scared because I'm used to being compared and replaced. We've talked about that too, and she does a lot to reassure me that she doesn't love me any less just because she loves him. The anxiety just revs up every now and again.

She's a virgin, which none of my partners have been before. Up until now, we thought that I would be her first, and she would be the first time I was somebody's first. But now that there's another person in the mix, that might change.

I know that virginity really isn't a thing, and I don't want to be controlling, and I get that nobody owns anybody else sexually or anything like that...but I wanted to be the one to introduce her to all this. She asks me occasionally if it's okay for her to have sex with him, and I try to say that it shouldn't matter because I'm not in that bed with them. But she tells me that I'm part of this relationship too, and my level of readiness is just as important as anyone else's.

Neither of us have any experience with this polyamory thing, so we don't know how it's supposed to go. But I'm hoping someone here might.

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Akira Jumps

Hmm... sounds like a predicament. Polyamory is certainly a 'fine line' subject. People sometimes use it to cheat - but it doesn't sound this way with you. I think you need to talk it over, the three (or more if there are more!) of you together. In order to make sure you feel comfortable with everything that is happening. There is nothing wrong with wanting to occupy a person's thoughts/time/intimacy, but you should also consider that she is, in fact, polyamorous. As with any good relationship, communication between all members of the polyamory is important. Without communications, personal boundaries are more easily crossed, and that isn't good for you or her or the third partner.

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Polyamory is a lifestyle choice rather than an orientation, she prefers to have multiple partners. The question is whether you can be an accepting partner in that kind of lifestyle. She doesn't need to be with more than one person, it's just the lifestyle she prefers.

You both have to be very open about what you want, otherwise the relationship will break down. If you are both happy with the arrangements then go for it. If not, don't even try because if you aren't absolutely sure, it isn't going to work.

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I've been in a relationship for about ten months now, but my partner recently realized she's polyamorous. We've talked about it a lot, and it's not like she's done anything behind my back or anything, but I'm scared because I'm used to being compared and replaced. We've talked about that too, and she does a lot to reassure me that she doesn't love me any less just because she loves him. The anxiety just revs up every now and again.

She's a virgin, which none of my partners have been before. Up until now, we thought that I would be her first, and she would be the first time I was somebody's first. But now that there's another person in the mix, that might change.

I know that virginity really isn't a thing, and I don't want to be controlling, and I get that nobody owns anybody else sexually or anything like that...but I wanted to be the one to introduce her to all this. She asks me occasionally if it's okay for her to have sex with him, and I try to say that it shouldn't matter because I'm not in that bed with them. But she tells me that I'm part of this relationship too, and my level of readiness is just as important as anyone else's.

Neither of us have any experience with this polyamory thing, so we don't know how it's supposed to go. But I'm hoping someone here might.

My only advice is to not do what I did when my then-gf brought this very thing up. Don't give her an ultimatum of like "it's me or him." That's just possessive, selfish, insecure, etc. PLus is the possibility she's testing you deliberately or not. If you give her permission to have sex with someone else, she'll love you even more. But she wants the option at least so she doesn't feel trapped being with you to the exclusion of everyone else.

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^ Oh, definitely. I'm glad I knew about polyamory before now, because now I understand that it's about getting rid of possessiveness and competition. The only problem is, I have a lot of those two things left over from past relationships, where my partners at the time went out of their way to compare me and tell me that the other guy was the reason our relationship probably wasn't going to last. As far as I can tell, there's two underlying problems with my side of this: my entire sexuality is based around giving, so I worry that if I can't give somebody everything, I'm not giving them enough -- and I have so much leftover baggage that I'm afraid of getting 'left behind' again.

Hmm... sounds like a predicament. Polyamory is certainly a 'fine line' subject. People sometimes use it to cheat - but it doesn't sound this way with you. I think you need to talk it over, the three (or more if there are more!) of you together. In order to make sure you feel comfortable with everything that is happening. There is nothing wrong with wanting to occupy a person's thoughts/time/intimacy, but you should also consider that she is, in fact, polyamorous. As with any good relationship, communication between all members of the polyamory is important. Without communications, personal boundaries are more easily crossed, and that isn't good for you or her or the third partner.

So I'm not overstepping, by wanting to be considered even when the situation is between the two of them? Like, I think sexual things should proceed naturally, and if I want her to enjoy that kind of progression then I don't want to get in the way of it...but I have a tendency to overcompensate for my fear of being selfish by acting like a total doormat instead :'D

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You've talk about her, but what about you? She's polyamorous. Are you?

If you're not, the communication is very important. You absolutely need ​to set up boundaries. Even couples, who are both polyamorous, have them. It's the sort of thing you need to talk about. Ignoring it, because you're worried about her feelings, will only end up hurting your feeling. That isn't healthy for you and it isn't healthy for your relationship and will eventually lead to trouble down the line.

At the end of the day, since no one else said it, it's alright if you're not comfortable with this. Free people would be. I know many people, who are wonderful and loving human beings, who aren't capable of living in a polyamorous relationship. Remember, your feelings are just as valid as hers.

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scarletlatitude

^ Oh, definitely. I'm glad I knew about polyamory before now, because now I understand that it's about getting rid of possessiveness and competition. The only problem is, I have a lot of those two things left over from past relationships, where my partners at the time went out of their way to compare me and tell me that the other guy was the reason our relationship probably wasn't going to last. As far as I can tell, there's two underlying problems with my side of this: my entire sexuality is based around giving, so I worry that if I can't give somebody everything, I'm not giving them enough -- and I have so much leftover baggage that I'm afraid of getting 'left behind' again.

Does your partner know this? I understand you may not want to come right out and say it like you did here, but I think it needs to be said. Telling her upfront that you are not sure about this because of _____ is better than you feeling hurt later on and having a fight about it.

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^ That's where the conversation with her keeps heading xD I let her know that I trust her and I believe her when she says she loves me and all of that, but even still, I've trusted and believed other people before, too. People are allowed to change their minds, and they often do. She understands my fear well enough. I just hope she understands how much I believe in her, too.

That's the thing that started this relationship, really: I can talk to her about anything, and vice versa. We're both used to people shutting us down, so having somebody who's interested in opening us up just created this pull. If anything, though, because the fear is always the same, I worry about sounding like a broken record or guilting her out of the things she wants, when my objective is to reconcile the safety I feel with her, with my lingering fears. Both are valid.

You've talk about her, but what about you? She's polyamorous. Are you?

If you're not, the communication is very important. You absolutely need ​to set up boundaries. Even couples, who are both polyamorous, have them. It's the sort of thing you need to talk about. Ignoring it, because you're worried about her feelings, will only end up hurting your feeling. That isn't healthy for you and it isn't healthy for your relationship and will eventually lead to trouble down the line.

At the end of the day, since no one else said it, it's alright if you're not comfortable with this. Free people would be. I know many people, who are wonderful and loving human beings, who aren't capable of living in a polyamorous relationship. Remember, your feelings are just as valid as hers.

I think I can be okay with it if I can still make her happy in all the ways I used to -- emotionally and otherwise. I just feel threatened because this other guy is comfortable with doing sex things that I'm not ready for...if I'll ever be. The freedom she's given me to explore has made me realize how uncomfortable I am with several of the things I once looked forward to, and for now, I've stopped being intimate with her while I figure myself out. And then here he is, able to see to her needs. I think I would feel less threatened if I was still active with her, because then I would see how much I still matter and how much I still affect her...so then I get thinking, whenever my 'break' ends, I'll be okay with this. But that's a feeling I can't test now because I'm not there yet.

Basically, as long as I still have my place, the more the merrier. It's just the fear of being replaced totally unconsciously that puts me on edge. The idea that he'll keep her so content that she won't have any need for what I try to give her anymore.

Sorry if I'm getting TMI. This heat's got my head swimming and I'm having trouble holding onto a thought as tightly as I'd like.

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