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Confused, maybe others can help me figure this out...?


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Hi, I am new to the AVEN community. I have labeled myself as ace for nearly 2 years now, which is when I found out what asexuality was. I was so relieved that I nearly cried.

But now, I am confused about whether to call myself asexual. At its core, it's just about sexual attraction, right? I have no strong desire for sex, but I am not opposed to it, and one day, I want to have sex. Sex drive and sexual attraction are not the same, yet I feel like people may not consider me to be ace if I do have sex... which is bothersome. I just want to hear perspectives from people who may know more about this.

Also, has anyone else struggled with their romantic orientation? I never really considered it much. I sort of just assumed that if I was ace, I was probably heteromantic. But then I thought I was aromantic, and now.. I'm thinking I might be biromantic. Yet I haven't actually experienced any attraction toward anyone, I just get this feeling that I might have some sort of bi tendency, but I don't understand it. I am so lost and confused that I don't even know how to articulate the problem.

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Welcome to AVEN.

Give yourself time. There is no need reason to rush for a definite answer.

A lot of times sexuality is a fluid concept that becomes certain with time.

Sometimes I think the simple act of questioning your sexuality is a sign of possible asexuality.

I think few heterosexual folk go through that kind of phase.

If calling yourself asexual helps you make sense of things, don't let anyone tell you different.

I'd say your romantic orientation will settle itself out. Its difficult to determine that if you don't have anyone that has given you romantic kind of feelings.

All the above is my opinion, don't be afraid to do some exploring on your own.

Read our stories and learn from our journeys.

I hope they help with some of the confusion.

Have a beautiful night.

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Sex-drive is the undirected desire to have sex or how frequent someone wants to have sex. You wanting to have sex one day doesn't mean you want sex in general. And asexuals can have sex and even enjoy it, they just don't have the impulse to do it. From your A/Sexuality i'll add that going by Demisexual before it's a known fact is dangerous. You and your partner would be waiting for a day that may never come. Or if you're capable of sexual compromise before then they may be waiting for reciprocation that may never come. Your orientation should be based on facts not theories.

As for your romantic orientation, there are different types of attraction which are not the same as romantic attraction but they can be associated with it; like aesthetic attraction (pull to look at someone), sensual attraction (urge to have non-sexual physical contact), emotional attraction (fixation on someone because of their emotions or personality; i.e. a favorite character or admirance), and platonic attraction (aka squish; a play on the romantic word crush). There are squishes; strongly desiring to know or befriend someone. There are queerplatonic relationships. And you can even find someone charming without romantic attraction. According to AVEN "Romantic attraction is a very difficult thing to pin down. Put as simply as possible, it is a distinct fondness or affection toward someone that differs from what you would feel toward friends, family, or people you admire. It may be characterized by a unique, almost surreal anxious-euphoria when sensing or thinking about this person and is distinguishable from hero worship. It typically involves butterflies in the stomach, heart fluttering or “melting” when interacting with them, some obsessiveness, all over warm and fuzzy feeling, and being swept into a dreamy state of mind, but experiences may vary depending on the individual and intensity of the case. Desires such as wanting to bond or be physically close with them are extremely common when experiencing romantic attraction, but there is no desire exclusive to romantic attraction, nor are desires necessarily present at all when being romantically attracted to someone." So with all the variations that are possible in a romantic relationship; wants, unwants, mental responses, etc., it's left up to an emotion, and emotions don't translate well into words so it's then left up to your own interpretation. But it at least involves soft/fuzzy feelings and some degree of fixation (at least out of comparison to how you are toward other people). If you feel aromantic is closing doors for you then i could have sworn aroflexible was a term (but atm I'm not getting search results on it).

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Hi, I am new to the AVEN community. I have labeled myself as ace for nearly 2 years now, which is when I found out what asexuality was. I was so relieved that I nearly cried.

But now, I am confused about whether to call myself asexual. At its core, it's just about sexual attraction, right? I have no strong desire for sex, but I am not opposed to it, and one day, I want to have sex. Sex drive and sexual attraction are not the same, yet I feel like people may not consider me to be ace if I do have sex... which is bothersome. I just want to hear perspectives from people who may know more about this.

Also, has anyone else struggled with their romantic orientation? I never really considered it much. I sort of just assumed that if I was ace, I was probably heteromantic. But then I thought I was aromantic, and now.. I'm thinking I might be biromantic. Yet I haven't actually experienced any attraction toward anyone, I just get this feeling that I might have some sort of bi tendency, but I don't understand it. I am so lost and confused that I don't even know how to articulate the problem.

I'm of the opinion that who we have sex with has zero to do with your sexual orientation (assuming for the moment it actually exists at all.)

Prisoners who id as heterosexual may nonetheless 'make due' and have homosexual sex and even affection-based relationships while incarcerated, then return to their heterosexual life once released. Are they homosexual by virtue of having had homosexual sex?

"Gay" porn may use heterosexual-identifying male actors. Are they actually gay by virtue of doing gay porn? Are non-porn actors like Michael Douglas for doing that Liberace movie?

Would say our sexual orientation, or lack of it is instead entirely about how we self-identify. Whole world and Go dcan say I'm gay, but I enjoy, fantasize about, and may well have sex with woimen again in the future. What others say doesn't matter. Nor is whatever I say come to think of it. If I having a gay fantasy I may as well be gay. If a straight one straight, and on and on. But it isn't fixed, it can and does change.

Pleanty of heterosexual-identifying people have the occasional gay fantasy, doesn't make them gay though. They're however they choose to id themselves and being polite members of society that should be good enough for us.

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Miss Anne Thrope

Hi. I'm also in the middle of questioning my romantic orientation. I've just assumed that I am heteroromantic, but with the discovery of the asexual spectrum and the re-evaluation of my sexuality came the examination of my romantic orientation as well. I have only had small crushes, seemingly with both males and females, but as none of them moved past the mild crush stage, I can't really say for sure if they were all romantic crushes or more "friend" crushes. I've decided to just be open with the possibility of bi-romanticism - if I fall for a girl one day, that's fine (great even!) and I can consider myself biromantic. If I don't, that's ok too. I think you should stop worrying about it and just let yourself fall for whomever you fall for, if you ever get any romantic feelings.

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This is pretty much how I assume sexual attraction is like:

Also, considering the large amount of pictures like this (ew):

11825102_10204404475864277_4325706883811

Then I am pretty sure that whatever they are feeling, I do not.

However, I do want to have sex and I do want to have kids. I just don't experience this attraction, even tho I do have a libido.

That's pretty much the best advice I can give, I mean, you are the only one who can determine your sexuality.

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You could be a sex-indifferent or sex-favorable asexual. There are asexuals who want and love sex. It has nothing to do with their sexual orientation. If you're not attracted to anybody, then you're ace.

I struggled with my romantic orientation too. I thought I could be really everything there is. ^^' But now I've settled for romance-favorable aromantic since I want a romantic relationship but have never felt romantic attraction. You may want to identify as grey-romantic meanwhile, before you're sure.

sensual attraction (urge to have non-sexual physical contact)


I didn't even know this was what sensual attraction is! I've always read things about kissing and such so I though I didn't have it. :o

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@Losange

If someone wants sex then they're not asexual. Being ok with compromising, enjoying it, and wanting to try sex are different matters. If someone finds no one sexually enticing (and only asexual out of technicality) but desires to have sex without the aformentioned, then that's called Cupiosexual.

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@Star Bit

Hold on, I thought ace was defined as not being sexually attracted to a person? Wanting sex is not the same as being attracted to someone? I thought it was accepted that it's possible to be an ace who wants sex but not be attracted to anybody.

And there's a difference between cupiosexual and sex-favourable. Mainly, a relationship. I think the definitions in the link below are pretty close, if you replace "need" in cupiosexual with "desire".

http://asexualadvice.tumblr.com/post/101044373784/ive-seen-it-mentioned-a-few-times-that

Edit: I've seen aroflux, not sure about aroflexible. Maybe that's what you're thinking of?

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Interesting post idkwhatami! :)

So, from what Asexual Advice said, Jesoka is sex-favorable asexual since she doesn't feel the need to have sex.

EDIT: (now I'm confused about my romantic orientation... Am I romance-favorable aro or cupioromantic??)

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Some people will tell you differently, but as far as I'm concerned ones sexuality is based on attraction and attraction alone. I used to have a friend who said she wanted to have sex with me (it'd make more sense if you knew her), but she had no sexual attraction for girls. Her saying that didn't make her lesbian, so I don't see how you saying you'd like to have sex one day suddenly discounts the fact that you don't find penis/vagina/whatever sexy.

So.

Oh, and I've definitely gone through a "questioning" phase with my romantic orientation. I thought at first that I was heteromantic, because I felt small bits and pieces of romantic attraction for guys, but the fact that that attraction never stayed more than a week or so had its problems. I realized that I was closer to aromantic than romantic, and it freaked me out (because of the usual reasons). I decided to ignore that for a while and called myself gray-romantic. Theeen I discovered the existence of fraysexuals and frayromantics (what I said about romantic orientation fading quickly), and so although I identify as a frayromantic I continue to label myself in the "gray area," because most people are more familiar with that.

I guess in time I just accepted that I'm in the aromantic spectrum, and not the romantic one. The same will eventually happen to you--that is, you'll realize and accept what you really like, and when you finally do accept it you'll be happier with yourself because of it.

Now I'm pretty much done, but before I press "post" I'm going to reiterate Star Bit here and say that it's dangerous to identify as demisexual. To be honest I think that a lot of people put demisexual under the pretense that it might be because it hasn't happened yet, but I disagree. If you've had a very close relationship with someone, yet you haven't experienced sexual attraction, I think that orientation can be safely discarded for you.

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Interesting post idkwhatami! :)

So, from what Asexual Advice said, Jesoka is sex-favorable asexual since she doesn't feel the need to have sex.

EDIT: (now I'm confused about my romantic orientation... Am I romance-favorable aro or cupioromantic??)

Thanks! Every definition I ever read about cupiosexual was always for a relationship hence I always discarded that term as a label for me because that wasn't what I wanted.

Yes, that's how I perceived it. But it's up to her how she feels about it and how she wants to identify. ^-^

(Sorry for making you confused! But as always, only you know yourself well enough to choose what you want to label yourself. And it gets admittedly harder on the romantic spectrum. I feel like the question would become do you like the idea of romantic gestures and think it'd be pretty sweet to do romantic things, or do you want to be in a romantic relationship?)

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DoctorsCompanion

I am a little confused as well. Not that i'm confused by my feelings. More like: I'm confused by the definitions of asexuality and sexuality generally.

From what i've seen, many asexuals enjoy sex while not being sexually attracted to their partners or any other person for that matter. I'm the opposite. I feel sexually attracted to girls, but i don't want to act on those feelings. I also feel no need to have sex. I think it's overrated and to some point repulsive. Generally i find myself to be more repulsed by heterosexual sex, but that's a different story. That's why i'm not sure if i really fit into the asexual category. I'm not even sure if i'm demi since i might feel attracted by someone just by looking at them. No deper connection necessary.

As for romantic attraction, i always preffered girls. However, there are people who are sexually attracted to one gender and romantically to another. I guess it can make things quite complicated.

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stanthebluefish

I'm in the same boat.
I just discovered what Asexual is, and it felt so right I felt so enlightened, but I always have moments of doubt, for many reasons, and how do you know if your "Gray" or not?
How did anyone go thorugh this without anyone? I know I wish I knew more !

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hmm, well before I discovered my asexuality I was curious about sex, and I think when I finally experienced it I started to understand my asexuality (although I did not know what to call it at the time) and that it wasn't for me.

It was more just the curiosity of the experience. Once I had it, that curiosity was satisfied and I was content not having it again.

It was kind of like trying a new food or going on vacation in an exotic place.

Sure, I'd love to try to eat a Ghost Pepper whole, but that doesn't mean I would eat it whole ever again. I'm curious just how spicy it really is.

Sure I'd love to visit China or Japan, but that doesn't mean I need to or want to live there. I'm curious about their landmarks, history and culture, but I wouldn't want to leave my friends and family.

I hope that makes some sense.

Regarding the Romantic Orientation, time will certainly tell. Don't feel anxious about not knowing exactly what to call yourself. Part of the journey to find yourself is stepping into the unknown.

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I'm in the same boat.

I just discovered what Asexual is, and it felt so right I felt so enlightened, but I always have moments of doubt, for many reasons, and how do you know if your "Gray" or not?

How did anyone go thorugh this without anyone? I know I wish I knew more !

Yeah... I used to think that I was demisexual or grey-a. On a personal experience, I knew I haven't felt sexual attraction, but I wasn't sure whether or not I would in the future. Until I found out that it doesn't really matter what the future will bring since nobody knows for sure. What matters is right here and right now... so since then, I felt comfortable with the term "asexual". And I'm pretty lighthearted about labels. If I end up feeling sexual attraction in the future, that's fine. If not and I still identify as ace, that's fine too.

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