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Girlfriend broke up with me out of nowhere.


TheDevileliet

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TheDevileliet

Thanks for all the help guys, I really appreciate it! I'm closing this thread since I found my answer.


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I have been somewhat in her position (only somewhat) in that I would feel anxious about meeting up with a person beforehand, enjoyed the company during the meeting, but then not liked how it felt afterwards. No matter what was said by the other person (and if they'd told me I was making a huge mistake that would've actually made me annoyed and pushed me away more - just a tip) I just couldn't get over it. It then got to the point where I didn't even enjoy any romantic happenings (kisses, hand holding etc) during the meetings. No explanation really, I went from holding hands thinking this is right to not wanting them in my personal bubble. I think it was the idea of the newness of things happening each time that gave them that gloss.... eventually it's not so new that it keeps the nervousness away during that moment, so it's no longer appealing. I THINK though, that's maybe one idea I've had about it.

I'm not saying that's what she's feeling but telling her that you think she's making a mistake or thinking maybe she just needs to do it more is not going to help. Even if it does end up to be the case that is something for her to arrive at, not be told by someone who she's just broken up with (doesn't exactly make any advice given seem to be unbiased). Talk some, listen a bit more and stick around for her if she wants you to.

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I haven't really been in any relationship, so I can't entirely say how accurate any of this is, and it's for my narrow perception of relations/how I feel about things, so bare with me.

It sounds like she might have become a bit scared or simply unsure of the interactions she's having, but that doesn't really mean she actually dislikes them, just perhaps that she's realizing that maybe she's more affectionate than she thought (note how this doesn't mean she's not asexual; just that she might never have considered kissing and the like how she has now). When you've never desired/wanted/tried a particular interaction and you suddenly do and it's somewhat enjoyable, you might be apprehensive. It might frighten her to have that sort of territory suddenly in front of her, even if she did enjoy herself. She might also worry that it implies more uncertainty down the road; it's hard to say.

As LyraHW said, a lot of people (asexual or not), might want different amounts of room at different times. This can be very confusing to predict and she, again, may not be sure what amount she wants either. I sometimes 'go off radar' myself, just in terms of talking a lot to talking none at all. It's not easy to explain, and people usually only get to comment on it after the fact, in my case. It sounds like from your efforts you've been trying to give her the space she needs and I think that's extremely commendable for you to do.

In this situation I think you should figure out if some of those interactions she's probably not used to (if ever had) are the ones causing this. If they are, then you might be able to reassure her that it's on her terms when she has those or otherwise make sure she understands that you did it because she seemed to enjoy it. You really don't present any ill will, so it's really about conveying that and learning what can be done in regards to making sure she knows that those sorts of interactions don't need to change the relation in this way. In the end, you can only really offer to be there for her when she's skeptical, and I really hope that is possible for you.

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TheDevileliet

@LyraHW

Thank you, that's actually a lot of valuable advice, I never put either of those thoughts into consideration. I'll ask her of the newness of it effected how feelings in any way, and at the time I was just kind of freaking out and didn't know what to do and I just kinda started talking since I was just so blindsided by everything.

I have since changed my mentality from "I think you're making a huge mistake" to "maybe this is what's for the best". Having had about a week away from talking to her has helped a lot with that, I went from heartbreak to feeling bad, but thinking logically again. The way I'm going to go about the conversation when we have it is "I think we both have our rights and our wrongs, if by the end of the conversation you still feel the way you do, then we've talked and seen things at eye level on the same page. Now we both know for sure that this is the best way to go about it."

I was an idiot for acting as if she was making a mistake when she made her decision, it just hurt to know she had already thought through the entire aspect of the relationship without even talking about it with me or letting me know there was even a problem at all, and then breaking up without giving me a chance to say my own feelings.

@Validus

That's also a good point. I never thought about her apprehensions being from the implications that our physical contact have. It does say "down the road we're going to do more intimate things if we go at this rate" and maybe thinking about that was a lot for her and way too much on her mind.

My biggest fear is that she has already settled into the idea that there's no way we could ever work out. It doesn't help that since I possibly believe anxiety was a factor in her actions, the very act of breaking up "feels right" since the fear is now lifted, which positively reinforces that it was the right decision to make.

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Like the other comments, I note that you might be trying to manipulate her feelings, which would push anyone away. Repeating that the physical isn't important might be an attempt to make her calm, which is manipulation. I'd suggest being OK with whatever her feelings or experience is and offering space to hear it without any attempts to change it, not even trying to comfort (which again, is manipulation). A person needs to process things at their own pace and not be rushed or pressed by others, and will naturally get away from that in order to be undisturbed. Focusing on yourself seems the best way to not be manipulative: state what the experience is for you and what you're feeling and would like, and be open to however she responds.

BTW, "manipulative" has been misused to mean something bad or ill-intent. I just mean it in the pure sense, the attempt to change something via changes in one's own actions. "Of course someone would want to make someone not feel <whatever>!" might be a response. But people have agency and it's important for them to be able to feel so-called bad things as a part of processing, and the attempt to make them feel comfort or whatever gets in the way of this.

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TheDevileliet

@Prairie

No, I see what you mean, you're completely right. I'm focusing too much on her maybe, and that in and of itself puts a burden on her, an expectation, it makes her feel like she's weighing me down. I need to say how I feel. Maybe instead of making her feel like "I'm accommodating for her" I need to portray my emotions differently. I think what I should do is show her that I'm not "doing it for her" I'm doing it because it makes me happy, earlier I said that "her happiness is my top priority". I think I'm looking at it wrong. That makes it sound like "I'm doing this for you" again. Thanks for the valuable input, I have a lot of things I need to change about myself before I speak to her.

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Prairie brings up a good point. If she does happen to enjoy some of that affection but has always told herself that she doesn't care for it or desire it, it's going to be very confusing for her. It'll be even more confusing when you try to assure her that not liking it is okay, because she'll be further unsure whether having enjoyed it is okay at all. All of this, sadly, will happen behind the scenes. As it is, we're kind of making guesses. It does put a bit of strain on the relation, but I'm not sure that means it needs to be the end of it. It is, however, one of those cases where you have to play it sort of in the middle. Understandably you want to get some answers, and understand if their is a way to glue things together. It could be as easy just adapting to hidden cues better or as hard as her really having made up her mind. But I personally think she's just confused about some of the interactions she's having with you, and since we have a good idea what those are (kissing, etc), those might be what you should ask about, if she's uncomfortable with it or if there's a way to make the communitcation for that better.

Since you've known she hasn't always been too affectionate, it doesn't seem too hard to let her know that it's okay she's not sure if she likes it, if that happens to be a primary issue. Again, if she's never really experienced it quite how she has now, she could have easily assumed she simply wanted nothing to do with it. It's hard to convince one's self that they like something they were sure they didn't. it might be right there, in front of her, as she's doing it, but after the fact she might be thinking "but I don't like kissing, I never wanted to kiss, so what's happened?". She could lose footing with that thinking, and the only one who can genuinely make her be okay with it (or be truely sure it's not okay) is her. You kind of are sidelined here, because as stated, you don't want to re-enforce the idea that she doesn't need to be okay with it the moment she might be okay with it, and you don't want to suggest she is okay with it if she's not actually sure. It's a complicated thing. If she's unsure, it might actually be easiest to firstly, check to see these are what's 'wrong', and if so, only comfort her in the sense that you don't mind if she wants it, doesn't want it, or isn't sure. If you weren't dating her for those interactions to begin with, it's a long way towards her understanding that having conflicting feelings about it is probably natural in her position. Ultimately, if she doesn't want it, things go back to where they were, and if she decides she does like it, then you get to share a lot more with her. But it's a long road and if she's not sure, it may be a rough road, as I'm sure you see.

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TheDevileliet

@Valudis

Good points. She has lived her entire life believing this isn't something she doesn't want. She could be right, she could be wrong, but the hard part is being able to understand the emotions. I think asking her to kiss was being too overbearing. I didn't sit in the sidelines and wait for her to come to me. I made it very clear that I was always there for her, I've actually even said that line specifically a couple time, but I think I was projecting my feelings onto her rather than letting her wade through the waters. I think I have been trying to make her feel how I wanted her to feel, rather than being herself.

I have to think about how I'm going to tell her this now. I'm not sure how I'm going to word it, but I'm thinking.

Thank you all for your valuable input, I'm really trying to reevaluate my actions and opinions. I think the best way to go about it is to just be me and nothing more.

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Beyond all else, I'm trying to explain to her that I have no expectations of physical or sexual things. I don't care about them and that I only care about her.

I'm gonna get killed in this forum for saying this, but I'll say it anyway (and I say this with no malice). Yes, you accepted not having sex with her. But what you didn't realize is that there's an entire package coming with that. It's absolutely never just "no sex" and everything else is 100% fine. Instead, there is at the very minimum some deep fear/anxiety (and usually lots of them) that you will have to deal with. So if you want her, you'll have to deal with her insecurities, self-denial and what not. Whether you want to go for it or not is entirely up to you, and it might somewhat work out. But it's not going to be easy. My advice for mixed relationships is always "run!" because it's just difficult for both sides. When you're with someone for a long time already you might be motivated to make it work, but you just started. Your main issue is that you're unaware of longterm consequences that your choices will have. You and her were acting more like friends than lovers, but wait till you get to sleeping together phase.

If she can't be happy in a relationship with me, then I'll at least feel better

No no no, you don't get it. She won't necessarily be happier without you. Her primary emotion is fear. Her choice is not based on the calculation of happiness.

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TheDevileliet

@Matthew89

I already thought these things through. I know it's going to be hard and I know I'm feeling the initial emotions of a relationship, but I honestly do think in both the short and long term we'd be able to make it work, and work well too. Maybe I'm just naive, but I'll ask her how she feels about it, literally up until a week ago, we've had all these discussions, things about sex and physical romance. We've talked about it, and a direct quote from her through skype

[6/11/2015 4:09:28 AM] i know it's not good, but i just can't conceptualize it's jus something i can't grasp or understand. i can only try to sympathize, but it's not something i can empathize.

like, i don't ever want to tank your self esteem or anything. i don't want to make you feel like....like i don't like you. i just can't say what'll happen--i can only hope, just as you can, you know. but, like you said, what we think and feel now is now. i don't know how it'll progress, but i'm willing to see how we'll handle it. i have high hopes if anything. haha, just, gotta look at it with a positive outlook *swings arm
yeah, snail's pace....
you know, it does make me bitter knowing a lot of girls are out there just hanging fun with their boyfriends and what not and i know that's something that'll be cool
[6/11/2015 4:10:03 AM] but i'm just the odd girl out listening to jams and waiting for game releases cuz i'm trapped inside
[6/11/2015 4:10:12 AM] it sucks cuz i just feel like i'm a drag.
[6/11/2015 4:10:29 AM] and it sucks more cuz i can't really do fuckin anything about it.
[6/11/2015 4:10:59 AM] im 21 and i just feel as powerless as i did back then. though i get to stay out after sunset.
[6/11/2015 4:11:02 AM] //so that's a plus//
[6/11/2015 4:11:57 AM] and, anyway, this is all new to me, too. like i said, I've been in a very platonic love, so being with you is different-- but i didn't get all clammy as i thought i would. i oddly find myself rather confident.
if that's any fuckin positive to this at all.
[6/11/2015 4:12:08 AM] High hopes, own experience, own relationship-- We'll find things out and it'll be fine.
I told her I had high hopes and that she wasn't a drag at all, but that was a small section of the conversation. We both know that we're not sure how things would go, but she said she's never felt like this before ever. She said she questions if she's aromantic and doesn't know if it's a phase. I think the fact that we both care for each other and are both willing to try out best and change and accommodate for the other is a sign that it'll work out though.
As for her fears, true you're right, but I just don't know what to do, you know? If I can't stand on the side and have unwavering support for her because the fear will drive her away, how am I supposed to get it through to her that all of this is okay and we can work together. That she doesn't have to feel like a burden to me, because she's not. I feel overbearing if I make an active effort (and then I'll seem like I'm trying to force it on her as LyraHW said when I told her I think she's making a huge mistake) and I feel like I'm manipulating her, but I fear that the anxiety will easily take over and make her decision for her to break up if I don't. Maybe I need to find a way to be more active in her decision while at the same time letting her find out for herself? I think maybe I could give her hints of the proper direction to move, but not tell her which road we need to take? I just don't know how to go about that. Thank you for your response, I'm compiling all these thoughts you guys are bringing to the table in a giant notepad that I'm just reading to myself ahaha. But thank you guys so much, I didn't realize how amazing the asexuality community was. You guys have opened my eyes to the person I am, and I have a lot of finding myself to do.
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WheelCuddle

Timing is everything. You can be the right person at the wrong time in her life.

She sounds like shes a mess right now, and she probably can't handle a relationship. offering to talk about "IT" all the time isn't going to calm or reassure her. You've made your position clear, you accept her as she is. But that doesn't mean she accepts you accepting her.

Just back off, and give her space. Let her feel like she's in control of what is happening to her and deciding to be with you, if she ever does, instead of accepting that you're with her. it's subtle but there us a difference.

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TheDevileliet

@WheelCuddle

That's also true, she's currently 21, but her parents dictate everything she does in her life. When I first met her about a year ago she was only allowed out to hang with friends maybe once a month and they wanted her back home by sunset. This was a girl with a job who was almost done college, but she didn't even have that much. (her parents otherwise did an okay job and she turned out great so it all works out, but her social aspects are extremely set back, and that's why she and i suspect that she's not actually aromantic) Through time her parents accepted that we were dating and started letting her out until 10pm every night, those are the types of restrictions you give to a 16 year old. She told me outright that she's socially stunted and she thinks she's socially awkward and she's extremely introverted and all of that. I hope that this isn't the right time in her life because we've made so much progress together, it doesn't feel like much to a lot of people, but it took us a lot of work and effort to get where we are with her parental restrictions, but I disagree, I don't think she's a mess. She's funny, she's strong, she's clever and smart and shy and attractive and interesting, she makes me laugh, i make her laugh, and she's one hell of a mage ahaha. But yeah, you make a very valid point, me accepting her isn't enough, she has to accept that I accept her for who she is. I'm a straight, sexual, romantic male, we've lead different lives even though is my first relationship and she has only been in one other relationship so far. That one was very platonic, in the entire thing they never once even held hands.

I see what you mean though, I do think I was acting out the control of our relationship, maybe it was nice for her to know that she was in control of the entire romantic aspect of our relationship, I was always the one who drove to her house and picked her up and dropped her off, I was always the one laid out the path of our relationship, maybe I took away the one thing she controlled, and losing that made everything go out of whack. Maybe that was when she was scared away.

I'll have to think about how I can show her that she's in control. To me it's always been that we have equal control, but that's just to me. She probably bottled it in if she felt like that. Maybe when we talk I'll tell her that I accept that we're broken up, but if by chance something in the words that I say shifts her perspective, it'd mean the world to me to know that there's a second chance at this. That if she's willing to have me, and to go for another try, that it'd work out.

My problem again still remains, I'm not sure how to show her that she's in control and always was. I don't know how to make it her decision for us to stay together (if that's what's best for the both of us). I'll have to think about it, but thank you for your post, this is also going on my notepad of thoughts.

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I already thought these things through. I know it's going to be hard and I know I'm feeling the initial emotions of a relationship, but I honestly do think in both the short and long term we'd be able to make it work, and work well too. Maybe I'm just naive

No no, you haven't thought it through. Right now emotions override your reason. We've all been there at one point or another, and when you asked for advice I already knew what you would do.

'No physical sure no problem' is easier said than done. Most sexuals in restricted intimate relationships have serious internal issues. In case word "serious" doesn't sound serious enough, imagine losing someone close (a parent, a close friend..) every two months. You're grieving and then get better and puff, someone dead again. Or, a girl cheating on you once every two months. You feel bad but then you recover and then puff, she cheats again.

Since you're going to do it anyway might as well give you a useful advice (I hope). Take initiative. Yea yea, she will be scared. She will be scared anyway. You'll often have to act like a parent. You can't just ask her what she wants because the answer will always be "candies". Of course, there will be things she definitely does not want, things that would traumatize her too much, but there's a grey area in between which she won't want to enter herself but you can push for it. And remember that her first response to almost anything will be automatic "no".

PS: Just seen your last post. Oh wow this is going to be entertaining. The amount of idealizing you're doing practically guarantees crash and burn. "She's not a mess", "she's in control". "it will work out well". Look, realism isn't popular on this forum. As a matter of fact my posts regularly get deleted because they are realistic to the point of making people unhappy. But someone has to tell you. She's a mess. She's not in control of even herself. And it did not work out at all for you so far, let alone well. And yes, she's a burden and you'll have to deal with it quite a lot to get what you're now craving. But from her point of view the question isn't whether she's a burden or not but whether she wants you or not. The burden is your choice.

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@Matthew89: I have no issue whatsoever with your negative perspective. However, you're generalizing far too much, to the point where at this point you might as well be a tape playing on repeat. That kind of makes your input a bit worthless to the discussion.

@TheDevileliet: Speaking of tapes playing on repeat, I don't get you right now. You keep saying "Yeah, that thing about giving her space seems like good advice" and in your next sentence you say something like "I don't know how to make it her decision for us to stay together". Do you know what giving her space means? It means not trying to influence her decision in one way or the other.

Your best bet right now is to treat her as a friend and to focus on the platonic aspect of your relationship. Or if you can't deal with that, tell her so and break off contact with her. But continuing right now on the premise that there's going to be romantic involvement between the two of you again, is the best way to ensure that there will not be romantic involvement between the two of you again.

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Succintly, if you are needy, all thinking and strategizing you do will not prevent it from manifesting in your actions anyway, just in ways you aren't aware of.

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@Matthew89: I have no issue whatsoever with your negative perspective. However, you're generalizing far too much, to the point where at this point you might as well be a tape playing on repeat. That kind of makes your input a bit worthless to the discussion.

Generic solutions apply to generic situations. Most of the people in the forum would type the exact same Skype lines as the ones he posted above.

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I hate to be the downer, but it sounds like you're not going to be able to talk it out with her.

Unfortunately, it sounds like being in a relationship is not something she wants. I was in that situation myself, and no matter how much he told me that he didn't mind me not wanting physical affection and that he didn't expect anything from me, I was still miserable while in a relationship, regardless of the fact that I did like him and that his company did make me happy. In the end, we just broke up and I'm happier for it.

This may not be the case with you ex-girlfriend, but I think that you need to give her her space. If she feels like she wants to be back with you, she'll probably let you know.

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Hi guys, so I'm a straight male, and I was in a relationship with a girl who was asexual and wasn't sure if she was aromantic or not, she said maybe it's just a 21 year long phase, or maybe it's just who she is. I told her that no matter which side it is, I accept her as she is and don't care about that aspect of our relationship.

Knowing that she doesn't like physical things whatsoever, I never once engaged her in any sort of physical actions, whenever we'd go on a date or do this or that, it was always us having fun in other ways. She also told me she doesn't really open up ever emotionally or get sappy and gushy about people, but that I gave her butterflies and that I made her feel that way. She told me I made her happier than she's ever been in a long time. They were new feelings to her and she said she never felt so strongly about anything before. Well about 6 months into the relationship she kissed me on the cheek after we finished up a date. As she walked away, I saw a HUGE smile on her face, as she walked from my car to her house I saw nothing but a giant smile on her. Then the second time she did it, it was in front of all my friends as we were saying bye. At that point I had basically gotten the signs that, she wanted to be more physically and romantically intimate, between often telling me how much she liked me and doing physical things, at the start of the relationship we never did these things and she never once engaged me physically in any way, but now she was kissing me (on the cheek) in front of my friends, I assumed we made huge steps forward. After another date she went in for a kiss on the cheek, and I clumsily asked her if instead she wanted to try a normal kiss on the lips, after some thinking, she said yeah. We ended up kissing a few times back to back, maybe 5 in total, the entire time she was extremely happy, I could see it all over her face, we both were smiling so hard that we literally couldn't force it to go away. Then essentially out of nowhere, she started telling me how kissing me made her feel bad, I asked her for more information and she said in the moment of it she enjoyed it, but when she got home it made her feel scared. She had apprehensions. I know she has mild anxiety as well, so I was thinking maybe it was just the fear talking, but out of nowhere she broke up with me. (i also think it was slightly because of anxiety because she said it wasn't fear but rather apprehensions (i thought they were the same thing, but after googling, apprehensions are when you fear something bad is going to happen, but in the case of our relationship, wouldn't the worst possible thing be for us to break up? i can't come to a logical conclusion as to why she was having fears so her reaction was to do the worst possible thing) i think she just wanted to get rid of the anxiety in any way possible, and breaking up was the easiest way out).

She said she felt like there was an elephant in the room and that she felt she couldn't fulfill my expectations, to which I tried telling her I don't care about the physical stuff and we did it because she was initiating it, I didn't want to leave her hanging and make her always have to kiss me on the cheek while I don't reciprocate at all, so that's why I asked if she wanted to kiss. I talked to her and told her that I think we should talk about the break up, it blindsided me and happened about 2-3 days ago. In 2 or 3 days from now, either on wednesday or thursday we're going to talk, she said she's probably just going to recite what we typed to each other on skype, but she said she'd be willing to talk for me just to clear the air. So essentially I have a few questions I want to ask, I know not everybody is the same, but has anyone here ever done anything physical with someone else and enjoyed it, while being aromantic or ace? Did you end up feeling bad about it after the moment was over? (I don't have more details about this and plan to ask her more about it when we talk) Did you realize you weren't aromantic? Did you feel like you grew out of it? (i was under the assumption that you can't grow out of it, but she felt like she could, or thought it was just a phase) Did it scare the living hell out of you to think about?

I have a friend that's gay and thought he was straight all his life, so when he first started doing things with other males, it felt good in the moment, but felt weird and made him scared after it was over. He said over time he got used to it and ended up enjoying it, but just had to be more used to it first. Could this just be something similar to that?

My thoughts are pretty jumbled up here and I'm kinda of just trying not to roll over into a ball and start crying. I know there are a lot of details I probably missed or forgot to mention, so if you have any questions or any advice or you can answer any of my own questions, thank you so much.

Beyond all else, I'm trying to explain to her that I have no expectations of physical or sexual things. I don't care about them and that I only care about her.

Thanks for the advice and at least hearing me out guys, and if you think we should stay broken up, please let me know that too, it'll hurt for me to hear, but don't spare my feelings at all. Her happiness is my top priority. Our happiness. If she can't be happy in a relationship with me, then I'll at least feel better, I think what hurts the most is that I think she's making a huge mistake right now and that she's acting from her fears and her judgement is being clouded. I think I put too much pressure on her for the physical aspect of our relationship, and we were taking babysteps and then we took giant leaps out of nowhere and that's what scared her away from me.

Sounds like simple guilt to me. She's maybe been conditioned by family and faith to regard intimacy as a negative and confronted with it, enjoying it, feels guilt for that enjoyment. And breaking up is her returning to what's familar and safe as with abiding by her conditioning. Is she religious? If so, just tell her we can return to how it was before we started all the kissing and let her process her feelings while still getting to be with you, but without the stuff that triggered her conditioning.

In my experience as a formerly hyper-religious Jew, though people are eager to do all the forbidden things, it paradoxically clashes against all hte religious conditioning. For most it's just a matter of taking it slow and processing everything, a few revert to the 'safe port' in the storm of emotions and return to faith. For most though, they wind up discovering they really like the intimacy. A lot. :) No one more buckwild in bed than sexually repressed religious people. :)

If she's not religious, it could be a similar sort of conditioning. Like her parents wlaked in on her beginning to become physically affectionate with someone, or herself alone, and hit the ceiling over it. Creating in her mind a negative association with physical intimacy and displeasure of her parents.

A third possibility, and the worst is she was molested at some point, and the molestation began with kissing. In which case, doing that same thing with you is triggering memories of the abuse.

It's hard to imagine a neutral or positive event that'd result in a negative impression or association with kissing. But it obviously made her uneasy that she broke things off and sought the safety of uninvolvement. So something about it is triggering negative thoughts, and there's only a few possibilities.

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WheelCuddle

As to your question of control, how can she feel it? let her initiate the conversation, let her decide when and how things happen. Make it very clear you're there for her and you want to talk or do things together. But then let her be her. it seems like you have the urge to "get her out of her shell" because you can see her potential, and I think that's sweet. But you have to also see that it is a form of control, even well meaning. you'll likely get frustrated because you "know" what she wants and want to push her toward it, but you should resist that. And if all of that get's to be too much, you do have the option of finding someone to be happy with, that doesn't require so many compromises on your part. Something to think about.

It may have nothing to do with you, maybe the feelings she has about your relationship are seriously clashing with the life that she has chosen to lead with her family, and the tension is too much for her. I respect your desire to say she's not a mess, but shes an adult who has chosen to remain a child, under the thumb of some very controlling people, that qualifies as a mess in my book. It seems to me she's just not ready to be her own person, and be in her own relationship. I'd love to be wrong about that.

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As to your question of control, how can she feel it? let her initiate the conversation, let her decide when and how things happen. Make it very clear you're there for her and you want to talk or do things together. But then let her be her. it seems like you have the urge to "get her out of her shell" because you can see her potential, and I think that's sweet. But you have to also see that it is a form of control, even well meaning. you'll likely get frustrated because you "know" what she wants and want to push her toward it, but you should resist that.

That's quite true. Good thing I learned that in my late teens, or my current relationship wouldn't have worked at all.

And if all of that get's to be too much, you do have the option of finding someone to be happy with, that doesn't require so many compromises on your part. Something to think about.

Not everyone has that option with any reliability. I find it quite amazing how many other people seem to find a new partner about once a year, some even every few months. Personally it took me well over ten years to find a single compatible partner.

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OP - I would say give her space on the relationship part and act as her friend, you've let her know you want more, but it sounds like she's not in the space where she's ready for that right now. It can be weird and strange and scary to start feeling something new and things might have just gone too fast for her to process and her own feelings spooked her out. She MIGHT be ready later, she might not. No one can predict.

Some mixed relationships do quite well, some do not. It all simply depends on the two people involved. If you believe you can do without the physical aspect, then, well, you know yourself better than we do. If she thinks she might be OK with some of it eventually, she knows herself better than any of us do. But, it's up to her to decide if she wants to try or not. And right now, she's chosen not. Every person has their fears and anxieties. People getting spooked by a relationship isn't new, or asexual/aromantic specific, as you know since you talked to your friend. It's just not something anyone can predict or change. I wouldn't wait forever for her to be ready, though.

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@Matthew89: I have no issue whatsoever with your negative perspective. However, you're generalizing far too much, to the point where at this point you might as well be a tape playing on repeat. That kind of makes your input a bit worthless to the discussion.

Generic solutions apply to generic situations. Most of the people in the forum would type the exact same Skype lines as the ones he posted above.

You don't know most people in this forum and you don't know the OP or the woman he talks about. And please don't make comments such as "this is going to be entertaining". This is a serious situation for the OP.

OP: I agree with most of the posters above -- step away and give her space; do not pursue her.

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TheDevileliet

I guess the common theme of what everybody here is saying is that whole quote that's something along the lines of, if you love something, set it free, and if it loves you, it will return.

My biggest problem is that I reacted improperly to the break up, and I have an uphill battle ahead of me. When I started to panic I said things like "I think you're making a huge mistake." and all of that she told me she was aggravated with me for it, and this was the first time she had ever displayed any sort of negative emotion towards me ever, we've never even gotten into a fight before.

I left her a message on skype since we haven't been talking much. I explained that I was ashamed of the way I was acting and that I'm sorry. I also told her we don't have to talk tomorrow if she doesn't want to or we can postpone it until later. She told me she wanted to be alone and it's been about a week, but that's probably not enough time to sort out your thoughts. We'll see how things go from there. Saying that might have very well ended any chance we have of getting back together, but if she feels so strongly that she doesn't want to hear my perspective, it must really be weighing on her mind.

I do want to thank everybody again, I appreciate it so much, all the replies. It made me really see things objectively (or rather more objectively, I'm still thinking with my emotions, I know that, but I'm trying not to)

@matthew89

Your perspective may be negative, but it's very real. You're telling me things up front and letting me know how it is. I am idealizing her. Right now I'm really jumping back and forth between accepting her decision and trying to fix things. My friends told me the same, if she broke up with me on skype and didn't even hear me out on my side of everything, she's not even worth my time, but I think that fear was controlling her actions. I'm getting a lot of mixed advice and a lot of different perspectives. Sometimes I just want to say "you know what, fuck it, it's over" but I'm unwavering. Up until the very last breath I plan to go out fighting. So as it stands right now, telling me not to go through with things will have no effect on me, maybe I'm thinking through my emotions, but I plan to embark down the darkest path.

@Tarefeather

My issue is that I said I'd never bring up our relationship again to her after we talked. It was a stupid move, but I plan to stay by my word to her. I plan to tell her that she can still change her mind and come to me and we can talk some more if she realizes that she still has feelings for me, but I know her well. Even if she realizes she made a mistake (assuming that is was a mistake to begin with), she'll be too afraid to come to be and start the conversation. She's not an initiator, she never has been for most of the things she does, not even stuff related to me, it's just not in her personality. Even if she wants for us to desperately get back together, she won't say a word to me, or at least that's the educated conclusion I can draw based off what I know about her. The more I think about it, the less I see us getting back together because of the situation I'm in anyways. Maybe it's for the best, I don't think so, but again, emotions, first relationship, the works. I decided to give her the option of talking later or not at all about the relationship. Either way, space.

@Praire

I understand psychology, the very act of even talking is my attempt at shaping the situation into what I want. Every human manipulates, at every second of every interaction we have with anything, we're trying to manipulate the situation, I know you weren't using it in a negative sense. "We are all manipulating (the technical term is 'shaping') people's behavior all the time, whether it is intentional or not. If someone cracks a joke in poor taste, you refuse to laugh or your rebuke them. If someone nags you and you cooperate once they do, you are shaping their behavior to encourage nagging."

It's just human interaction, but as it stands right now, I want her to see my perspective of things too. If she decides that it's okay for us to talk tomorrow (or Thursday if something comes up) I want her to hear my story.

@aventura

My response to Tarefeather also covers what I have to say in response to what you said.

@unlabeled

That's actually right on the money for what I thought. For her entire life she thought she was asexual. Or rather, she could very well be asexual, I'm not denying that, but the problem with this is that to me, she doesn't seem asexual or aromantic. I watch her interactions with people and they just don't fit? She told me that she was really happy that I never met her until a year ago because a couple years back she was a VERY different person. She said she was nasty and mean and judgmental and an all around bad person. That coupled with the fact that her overbearing parents made it so she could never have a social life turned her into the way she is. I think because she's not used to having friends, or at least not many of them, and the fact that she gets out of her house for personal social reasons is less than like 10 times a year made her the way she is. She never had physical interaction with anyone, and then after being so scared of it, I think she learned about asexuality and concluded that this must be how she is. I'm not her, I don't know, I'm not denying her orientation, she could very well be right, but her actions and thoughts just seem to fit in my very honest opinion.

She isn't religious, neither of us are even slightly.

You really are hitting the nail on the head with everything I've been thinking. I think that she has a negative association with physical things and that avoiding it has been positively reinforced for 21 years by her having an extremely large personal space bubble. Every time she has any sort of physical interaction with someone, she has to go out of comfort zone, and then getting out of the situation and distancing herself from others makes her comfortable again which then positively reinforces the feelings that much more.

I did outright ask her if she was every sexually assaulted or anything of the sort, we're very very close, I know it's not something you want to bring up or talk about, but she said no and after saying no I said something along the lines of "Well thanks for telling me, just know that whether you said yes or no, my opinions of you or anything else didn't change at all."

I think for parents my defining characteristic as a boyfriend is "Someone you'd want to bring home to mom and dad". I'm a very soft person, I never raise my voice. Period. My job has a lot to do with physical appearances so I make sure to stay in shape and stay well groomed. I'm currently attending college. But the first time I finally came over to their house, the father literally left, he stayed in the backyard for a good 4-5 hours. He refused to come inside and didn't even once ever greet me. His daughter is 21 and he already socially stunted her like no other, I think I'm a nice guy, and he won't even say hi to me and doesn't want anything to do with me. He still thinks of his daughter as his little girl and I honestly think he would be happiest if she never got into a relationship or got married or anything of that sort. Not that that's what makes everybody happy, but he's in a very normal relationship, he's married to her mom and they're happy together, have a nice house and two kids, I don't get why he refuses to let her grow. Their parents have put a LOT of strain on our relationship, but the mother seems overjoyed to have met me, I think she realized just what age range her daughter is in and that having a boyfriend was long overdue and I think she saw me for who I am.

I'll ask her if she has any negative association with kissing though. I think it was physical interaction in general. The only time I've ever seen her even want to touch another living thing was when she pets her dog, she hugs and kisses him like no tomorrow ahaha.

@wheelcuddle

We'll see how things go, I gave her full space and apologized for the things I said, while not mean, I did act as if I was denying her her feelings and invalidating her opinions. She's a very level-headed person and this is the first I've seen her act like this, so I can only assume she's right and it's been weighing on her mind heavily, though a couple times she's had such bad anxiety that for a week straight she just kinda didn't want to do anything else except sit in her room and blast her music, I think when the anxiety (assuming she has any to begin with) it hits hard. I don't consider her a mess though, but at 21 she definitely isn't anywhere near even 18 year olds with freedom and personal growth (not on an emotional or personal level, but just the things that come with becoming an adult and not relying on your parents, which currently her entire life is dictated by and she is 100% dependent on them)

@Tarefeather

I mean I never had issues with finding someone else, I don't know how to say this without sounding full of myself so I'll try to sound objective about it? I do get asked out often enough and I think that I'm compatible with almost anyone (because I can kinda just go with the flow if that makes sense?) but beyond else, I want to go with her flow. I want to be with her, but if all else fails, I could easily find someone more compatible, not that that's what I want. At least not now.

@serran

Yeah, I can't wait forever. I realize that, but I can wait a long time, the main thing that I have to worry about is the fact that it's really making me feel like shit. I don't know how long I can go on like this before I just have to let go. (assuming that she's wrong in her decision, she might very well be correct in the decisions she's made, and maybe it's best for the both of us)

@Sally

Thanks. I told her we can talk later and that we don't have to talk at all if that's really how she feels. Again, my problem being that once we talk, any chance of us being in a relationship is over.

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Again, my problem being that once we talk, any chance of us being in a relationship is over.

Since relationships don't work well (or at all) unless people trust each other enough to talk, it doesn't sound hopeful for this one.

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If her parents are overbearing and playing too big a part in her social interactions there might not be much you can do. Anything you try to do to make things work between you could be interpreted as attacks against her parents or her relationship with them. Her parents, whatever their faults are what's familar and safe for her so she'll 'run back' to them when ever she's stressed regardless. The 'give her space, and let her come to you' works hunting and while I don't hunt I'm fond of the analogy. :)

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@TheDevileliet: Look, whenever something like this happened with my girlfriend, we literally spent weeks "just being friends". And if we'd just stopped talking to each other, the relationship would have ended there and then. If you want to win her trust and affection, do it by being a good friend to her. Don't expect her to "change her mind" or anything, it won't happen, not if you're not there for her and give her something to change her mind about.

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TheDevileliet

@Tarefeather

Initially how my relationship started off with her was that we met, and then I asked her our about 2 weeks into our friendship. She said she didn't know me well enough, so half a year later I asked her out again and she was ecstatic. I would love going back to being friends honestly, she's a piece of me, maybe we won't be dating, but I still don't want to lose her, but I don't know how easy that'll be for me now that I see her as my girlfriend, though I think I can make it work. My other problem is that I don't know myself either, I've never been in a relationship before either, I think once the relationship part of everything ends, there's also a chance I might not be willing to go back, I don't know, so it would be that much more awful if she realizes she has feelings for me still. I told her that if at any time she changes her mind, I'm completely open to it, but I don't know that, and since I really care about her, hearing that she started getting feelings for me again after I've lost them for her would just make me feel like shit again.

Maybe we're both doing the same thing at this point to protect ourselves, but I think once we've made up our minds, we might not go back, maybe we will.

Maybe this is my perfect chance to find out how compatible we were to begin with now that all those tasty brain chemicals aren't enhancing every time we interact. I guess being friends might be for the best, whether it's just for now or as a permanent thing. The major problem is I don't know how long time is going to take you know? I can wait, but I don't want to be tied down by the hope of us getting back together (and I know myself well, I will tie myself down with it, that hope is why I didn't get into a relationship for the first 6 months she and I were friends), and I don't plan to get into another relationship any time soon since I don't want to project my feelings for her onto another person, but that being said, if I'm friends with her, I have a feeling the hope of it all will still be with me.

I guess I'll just play it like a leaf in the wind. We're still friends, so I'm happy about that, and maybe I can continue staying friends with her, which I'd like, and I guess if we're going to be real, our relationship hardly changes. We're still going to talk away the nights, we're still going to hang out and play video games together, we're still going to do all of it, but we'll just be less close. I mean a relationship implies that if things progress you eventually do things and move in together after a long long time of things working out well and blah blah blah, so naturally you're closer, but maybe I can keep her as one of my best friends if she'll have me.

I think I've come to see what you're talking about, don't stay friends with her in the hope of getting back together, stay with her because I still like her as a friend, as one of my best friends. If we get back together. Awesome. If not. Things are still pretty awesome. Don't hope for it, don't act as if it's going to happen or not happen, just be.

Thanks for all the advice man, I feel like as the days go by, my feelings are dictating less and less of what I'm thinking, and the words you've been trying to pound into me are making more and more sense. I really do appreciate all your help. Not just you, but everybody. This community is amazing.

@unlabeled

I think I'm not going to go for that approach, I think it's time I accept that our relationship is over, whether it be for now, or forever.

@Sally

Yeah that seems about right, things will probably end and they probably won't start up again, but so be it, I'm still very happy with things, and as I said to the other two, if it does, awesome.

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if she broke up with me on skype

Breaking up on Skype tells you nothing without the context. This myth that you have to resolve everything face to face is dangerous. You're not discussing future marriage. You're breaking up. In many cases it means you don't want to see that person again. Or at least not for the time being. Or maybe that person is far away. Sometimes you need distance to be able to say what you need to say, and doing it in person can be a very bad idea. Especially when emotions are involved because you could be talked out of something that you rationally decided. So guess who thought of this "face to face breakup only"? People who got dumped. I do appreciate closure though and am usually willing to listen and talk.

Up until the very last breath I plan to go out fighting. So as it stands right now, telling me not to go through with things will have no effect on me, maybe I'm thinking through my emotions, but I plan to embark down the darkest path.

Don't forget the torch.

As you crash and burn I'd like to improve your day. Watch Firestarter 2 movie. Malcolm McDowell recites a nice poem (by Houseman). Which I kinda liked when I was around your age, in a similiar mood as you are in now.

More than I, if truth were told,

Have stood and sweated hot and cold,

And through their reins in ice and fire

Fear contended with desire.

Agued once like me were they,

But I like them shall win my way.

Lastly to the bed of mould

Where there's neither heat nor cold.

But from my grave across my brow

Plays no wind of healing now,

And fire and ice within me fight

Beneath the suffocating night.

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TheDevileliet

@matthew89

Ahaha don't worry, I've changed my mind since, I realize I'm being stupid now, but thanks for the poem, and I'll check out the movie, your advice help me see a lot of myself and improve as a person. The mistakes I made I don't plan to make again. So thank you for that.

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Trust yourself, trust her. It'll all work out somehow. ;) Just as long as the two of you stick together, it'll work out, whether as friendship, romance, whatever. At least that's my experience.

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