Coming out to a partner

[Dante98]

Hi!

I've recently realised I'm on the asexual spectrum. However my girlfriend is sexual and thinks I am too. Has anyone else been in this situation who could give me advice?

[Rising Sun]

Every situation is different. Before you tell your girlfriend, you can try to see if she has a positive reaction when she hears about asexuality. When you're having a conversation about your personal opinions about different things, you can try, with a casual tone : "What do you think about asexuals ? You know, people who never feel sexual attraction, even when they're in love with someone."

If her answer isn't what you wanted to hear, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't come out to her, I mean it's necessary to come out to a partner, but at least you can see how she reacts to it and you can prepare counter-arguments in advance if needed.

[Star Bit]

Simply sit them down and tell them you're ace/your specifics on being Gray-Ace if that's your orientation. Testing the waters is only good for coming out to non-partners/people who don't need to know. Your partner needs to know. I think counter reactions are needed regardless of aggression/rejection. Specify how you would sexually compromise, if you even can. That asexual is not equal to aromantic. Explain what sexual attraction is because many; sexual and asexual, don't get what it means. Sexual attraction is when someones presence turns you on which triggers the impulse to do sexual things to their body/have sex with them. Sexual people also seem to take it personally even if they understand your orientation, so don't be surprised by that. They just need to go through the waves of acceptance, if they can even reach that. Sexual people also may not even want sex from someone who's not interested.

[Stormageddon_McFly]

I'm in the same spot as you and I'm still not 100% sure if I belong somewhere on the ace spectrum or not. I haven't talked to my husband yet about these new thoughts I'm having and I have no idea how to do it. Mainly because I don't think he knows that much about asexuality (heck, I didn't know that much until 2 weeks ago!) and how am I supposed to explain something to him I barely understands?
But maybe try something like Rising Sun said with "Did you know asexuals don't feel sexual attraction, even when they're in love with someone. I'm like that". But you know your partner best and what approach works with her.

[Unlabeled]

Hi!

I've recently realised I'm on the asexual spectrum. However my girlfriend is sexual and thinks I am too. Has anyone else been in this situation who could give me advice?

Sex should always be by mutual desire and consent. If you're gonna have a bad time, don't do it. Better to just lay your cards on the table than have a bad time and give someone else a bad time as well as yourself. After war, sex is the second easiest way to really screw people up. If you're not there with your relationships, explain it. Better to risk the relationship ending that create new problems where none existed before.

[Ace of Cakes]

I realized that I was ace a few months into my relationship with my (first & current) boyfriend. Things went well and we've been together for over a year now. However, mixed relationships aren't easy, don't get me wrong. My biggest tip is communication. It's definitely key to any relationship, but in a mixed relationship, I'd argue that it's almost more important.

I would say that my advice is to tell her as soon as possible, and to be clear about the fact that you love her even though you're not sexually attracted to her. Explain different types of attraction and how it's not as though your feelings for her are any less because you're asexual. If you're open to compromise, tell her that too, but if you're not, be clear about it - you don't want to give false "hope" because that will just draw things out in a way that will be more painful for both of you. If you're willing to do certain things but not others, tell her that. Also, once you tell her, be prepared to listen if she wants to express worries and try not to be too offended if she says things that sound a bit harsh - she'll probably be trying to process new things and to be as understanding as she can. If she needs time to think about it, give her that time and space. If you think AVEN would be a good resource for her, point her here, specifically to some of the threads about success stories or sexual partners. Good luck! I hope things go well for you!