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[TMI] One-Night Stands, Libidos/Sex Drives, and Romantic Orientation/Romantic Drives?


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Hello Aven! After stalking this site for so long I've finally made an account!

Honestly I'm not sure what I want to ask, so I'm just going to write facts about me and maybe a question will come up? I'm probably gonna write a lot, so I apologize in advance!

I'm a 19 year old female and 94% sure I'm ace, for over a year now, ever since I heard about this side of the spectrum. I'm also a virgin in everything--never been in a relationship, kissed, etc, simply because I've never found anyone and that's peachy by me. Kind of.

I identify as ace because I'm pretty sure I've never been sexually attracted to anybody ever, which, since the definition of being ace seems a little... fluid to different aces... I think of as "I have never looked at a person and decided I would like to bed them/hit that/bang them."

I haven't figured out what my romantic orientation is, though I've been searching for a while now. I've stalked Aven from time to time without being a member and tried figuring it out, but nothing ever seems to have really clicked. I'm potentially demi/grey/a-romantic. (I like labels because I feel like it helps me understand myself, which is why not being able to settle on one annoys me. But anyway.)

So things get complicated when I look at everything as a whole. I think I'm what falls under sex-favorable because I feel like I would enjoy sex if I ever actually had it. I think this might also fall under having a libido because I think there's a desire(?) to have sex in there somewhere, but it isn't actually attached to anyone, ever. But I've never masturbated and it seems like in the forums people with a libido need to/tend to relieve themselves of it (it's often described as an itch) soon after via masturbation but I've never needed to? There was nothing to relieve? So I'm not really sure what I'm feeling? Can the desire to have sex be separate from a libido in that way?

For a while I've also been thinking that everything about me would be much easier to assess if I ever actually had any experience in all of these things, which leads me to my next point. It seems like pretty much everybody in Aven is pretty opposed to the idea of a one-night stand, but I feel like I'd be pretty open to the idea while I was unpartnered? I occasionally have a fuzzy sense that I probably want cuddles and romance from someone (hence the potentially demi/grey) [not family, that seems to have popped up in some of my "romantic drive" searches...] at some point sometime but I've never wanted that from anybody specifically so it'd be the equivalent of having a libido but with romance (hence the potentially aro since it's never been directed at anyone, though some aros don't seem to believe having a romantic drive is possible). Add on top of that I'm (hyper)sensitive to touch, in that I don't really like touch and I think the only exception would be if I were in a relationship (then I'd be all about touch because I also crave it?? My body is confusing though that's probably where the fuzzy sense comes from.) so I minimize hugs and things from my friends (though they're very huggy people so I've been working on initiating hugs and being more comfortable with it, but I would never cuddle with any of them, or even be in contact with them for extended periods of time without being hyperaware of contact. I'm also hyperaware of mere proximity sometimes).

And on TOP of THAT I don't actually know what the experience of anything would be like, so I'm just really really curious and I feel like a one-night stand would be a really interesting way to explore that? I think if I were ever to find a partner I would be open to it being sexual because I think it would feel good, but that isn't necessarily attraction to my partner in a sexual way only that the deed itself would feel good, but then again how do I know it would feel good if I've never done it? But while I'm unpartnered, I feel like a one-night stand would be a way to satisfy whatevertheheckitis that makes me think having sex would feel good despite not being attracted to anyone--ie, if I never see the person I sleep with again there'll be no harm done since I'm not attracted to them. Thoughts?

To be honest though, I think I'm actually unlikely to go out looking for a one-night stand since I'm a fairly shy(/oblivious) person and even if I did it wouldn't be until after I updated a vaccine (whose immunity I'd lost apparently) which could be awhile and I'd make sure everything was safe but the /idea/ of it is intriguing. I'm also unsure how I feel about my v-card--I don't care that I have it, I don't think I would mind losing it, I might just want to get it over with, I don't know if I want it to be with someone I know or not, I'm not sure if I care; I think I'm mostly just apprehensive about first times and someone I know might be easier to communicate with than someone I don't but it might simply be enough for a stranger to know and go from there accordingly--and this uncertainty around my v-card means I'm probably even less likely to just go out seeking one-night stands. (I used to place a pretty high price on everything firsts-relationships-related, eg hand holding, kissing, etc, and knowing the person I was doing them with but the more I've tried to understand myself, the less it seems to matter [i'm also mildly worried about what if I do do it and regret it after because that would just be such a sucky feeling... the chances keep decreasing.]) I'm definitely a person who will overanalyze everything and want to be 105% sure before acting on anything like this. Still, the question stands.

This isn't an "am I ace?" question because although I occasionally question it, I'm still pretty sure I am and identify as such. If you have insight on my romantic orientation, I'd love to hear it. If you have thoughts on the libido/sex drive thing, that would be fantastic. And if you want to weigh in on the one-night stand thing, that'd be awesome. Any comments on anything else is welcome, too. (This is starting to look like an essay though, so if you've read through all of this I'm impressed. Thank you for listening! I appreciate it!)

I feel like such a child, I'm so confused by everything....

tl;dr:

I'm a very confused person and I understand if you don't read this word vomit. If you want to just answer the main questions I've posed:

(The first line counts as a paragraph!)

One-night stands: starts in the 7th pargraph which got sidetracked, mostly in the 8th paragraph

Romantic orientation: the sidetracked part of the 7th paragraph

The libido/sex drive thing: 6th paragraph

Or if any of my terminology is wrong, please do tell me. It's important (at least for me) to get these terms right when the spectrum is so wide.

Edit: I had wanted to put an analogy in here but my post got longer than I expected and I forgot. For the one-night stand, if being ace with a libido is opening the fridge while hungry but not being interested in anything in the fridge, a one-night stand would be taking something to eat anyway without caring what it is you're actually eating.

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marshmello13

Maybe the one-night-stand thing is just your curiosity? Like you have a desire to try it, but you don't actually feel like you would need to? Sorry my response is so vague. I'm still learning a lot about asexuality, but I know some people feel like they want to experience things, but haven't been attracted to someone enough to do it. To the part about you thinking it would feel good, I don't really know much about. In my experience, it has been the same, but I haven't considered other people.

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What you're calling a one-night-stand is generally called casual dating, unless I'm missing something. A lot of people are into that and have fun with it--as long as you're safe and stuff, blah blah. I'm a believer in sexuality fluidity and since your feelings about your friends are different, clearly you're curious about non-platonic stuff. I'm also a believer in asexuality coming in many forms. The interest/curiosity you describe is something I've felt at times too--but since I'm tired I'll summarize my experience of it--

I think I like the idea of having sex with someone passionately better than the actual thing, which I never intend to do. I have little to no libido, as in I don't feel the need to "get rid of" any sexual drive and masterbation is like once every 3 months (or even less) but I really enjoy thinking about love itself and even steamy love, the idea of people giving everything to one another, etc, but the closer-to-reality ritual of someone expecting it from me like a service, or using pick up lines or dirty talk on me, or having to deal with the condoms, cleanup, birth control, pregnancy scares, or even moving it from a fantasy to something I'd actually have the possibility do is a HUGE turn off, not just because of the hassle, but because of how it doesn't suit me no matter what. (As of yet, I've only dated people where that has been a concern)

Once when I was in a (hetero allo) relationship (didn't know what asexuality was then, thought I was broken, etc), I declined any and all invitations to have sex, and felt extremely relieved when I did so. I wasn't into it on a level deeper than emotional or mental, it was a physical need to not have sex even though I loved the person romantically and had been really close to him. I can imagine myself actually doing everything else in a relationship (living together, supporting each other, getting over disagreements, calling/texting too frequently and late at night, etc) and having a great time but sex just isn't for me.

Relationships, even casual ones, can teach you about what you want/don't want, even to satisfy curiosity or something like that. That's a pretty cool thing about them.

(ETA: I don't place much importance on the first-everything thing, but my first love was a great person, so probably a bad person can mess stuff up for you. It's good to be careful but don't fret too much about it if you're being safe, just keep asking yourself what you like/don't like as you go, and use it as an opportunity to be more in tune with your desires.)

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Add on top of that I'm (hyper)sensitive to touch, in that I don't really like touch and I think the only exception would be if I were in a relationship (then I'd be all about touch because I also crave it?? My body is confusing though that's probably where the fuzzy sense comes from.) so I minimize hugs and things from my friends (though they're very huggy people so I've been working on initiating hugs and being more comfortable with it, but I would never cuddle with any of them, or even be in contact with them for extended periods of time without being hyperaware of contact. I'm also hyperaware of mere proximity sometimes).

I don't like the idea for you, for the one-night-stand with a stranger, because what I quoted you on. If you're as senstive as you mention, your one night partner must know how to handle your hyper sensitivity and that's not easy to find out there. It would be better with someone you know and can trust to hold back and be patient.

I wouldn't be surprised that for you it's going to be sensual experience > sexual experience because of your sensitivity. But only you can tell of course.

I'm a bit currious about your hyper sensitivity so I've a couple of questions how it is for you, if you don't mind of course.

Can you make some parts of your skin tickle at will?

Lips are the easiest ones for me followed by cheeks, fingertops/arms/legs next. With a little bit of time and concentration I can make most of the rest of my skin tickle, except genitals and nipples.

Can you make you body "shake" at will?

What I mean here, it's like if you receive an electric shock that goes from head till feet in a fraction of a second, enjoyable and not painful.

I don't like to be touched because it's always agressive in one way or another and most peeps have no clue either how to do it properly with me. But when done well it immediately kicks of the tickling on my skin and I can focus and keep the tickling ongoing for some time. As for hugs I hate being compressed but, only with girls, when it's a very light body contact It can goes as far as triggering a body shake for me.

Hyperaware of proximities translates in sensing someone's body heat and start feeling it on my body. Eg someone sitting near me on the bus on my right will make my right body part light up, if I want too or don't focus on something else to break the "charm".

There are moments, when I'm close (standing, sitting, ...) to someone I'm "probably" sensual attracted too, large parts of my skin start to tickle and it results in the feeling of my floating around.

There's a lot more I can feel, achieve with a bit of concentration, sensually but I've a couple of decades of self experimantation on you so ... ;)

Anyway.

Be carfull with your partner choice and good luck.

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Maybe the one-night-stand thing is just your curiosity? Like you have a desire to try it, but you don't actually feel like you would need to? Sorry my response is so vague. I'm still learning a lot about asexuality, but I know some people feel like they want to experience things, but haven't been attracted to someone enough to do it. To the part about you thinking it would feel good, I don't really know much about. In my experience, it has been the same, but I haven't considered other people.

People answered! Thank you!

Yeah probably it's just curiosity. Arthany brings up a good point--if I think about everything else around the thing itself (being safe, making the effort to go out and do things) I get tired of the idea pretty quickly. Mostly I'm just surprised that so many avenites are so against it--I haven't seen anybody say maybe, pretty much everybody says they would never ever which was interesting.

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What you're calling a one-night-stand is generally called casual dating, unless I'm missing something. A lot of people are into that and have fun with it--as long as you're safe and stuff, blah blah. I'm a believer in sexuality fluidity and since your feelings about your friends are different, clearly you're curious about non-platonic stuff. I'm also a believer in asexuality coming in many forms. The interest/curiosity you describe is something I've felt at times too--but since I'm tired I'll summarize my experience of it--

I think I like the idea of having sex with someone passionately better than the actual thing, which I never intend to do. I have little to no libido, as in I don't feel the need to "get rid of" any sexual drive and masterbation is like once every 3 months (or even less) but I really enjoy thinking about love itself and even steamy love, the idea of people giving everything to one another, etc, but the closer-to-reality ritual of someone expecting it from me like a service, or using pick up lines or dirty talk on me, or having to deal with the condoms, cleanup, birth control, pregnancy scares, or even moving it from a fantasy to something I'd actually have the possibility do is a HUGE turn off, not just because of the hassle, but because of how it doesn't suit me no matter what. (As of yet, I've only dated people where that has been a concern)

Once when I was in a (hetero allo) relationship (didn't know what asexuality was then, thought I was broken, etc), I declined any and all invitations to have sex, and felt extremely relieved when I did so. I wasn't into it on a level deeper than emotional or mental, it was a physical need to not have sex even though I loved the person romantically and had been really close to him. I can imagine myself actually doing everything else in a relationship (living together, supporting each other, getting over disagreements, calling/texting too frequently and late at night, etc) and having a great time but sex just isn't for me.

Relationships, even casual ones, can teach you about what you want/don't want, even to satisfy curiosity or something like that. That's a pretty cool thing about them.

(ETA: I don't place much importance on the first-everything thing, but my first love was a great person, so probably a bad person can mess stuff up for you. It's good to be careful but don't fret too much about it if you're being safe, just keep asking yourself what you like/don't like as you go, and use it as an opportunity to be more in tune with your desires.)

First, thank you for responding! As to your points:

I kind of feel like it's similar, but I thought casual dating would mean seeing someone multiple times rather than like a one-night-only thing?

That's a good point. I'm pretty sure I would never carry out the idea in real life because of the hassle, but the idea is still intriguing and as I say above, it's interesting that most avenite responses to this question are never ever. Although I suppose it's possible that differentiating the idea from the act itself would be an important factor. Maybe that's why....

Thank you for sharing with me. I guess I'll just have to wait until I get some sort of experience in anything. That's probably part of why I think the idea would be interesting--I'd have something tangible to take data off of, rather than just musing about it.

(I don't really anymore, either. And that's true. I won't actively seek anything out, (honestly the more I think about something the less likely it'll happen) but thank you for the insight and advice!)

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Add on top of that I'm (hyper)sensitive to touch, in that I don't really like touch and I think the only exception would be if I were in a relationship (then I'd be all about touch because I also crave it?? My body is confusing though that's probably where the fuzzy sense comes from.) so I minimize hugs and things from my friends (though they're very huggy people so I've been working on initiating hugs and being more comfortable with it, but I would never cuddle with any of them, or even be in contact with them for extended periods of time without being hyperaware of contact. I'm also hyperaware of mere proximity sometimes).

I don't like the idea for you, for the one-night-stand with a stranger, because what I quoted you on. If you're as senstive as you mention, your one night partner must know how to handle your hyper sensitivity and that's not easy to find out there. It would be better with someone you know and can trust to hold back and be patient.

I wouldn't be surprised that for you it's going to be sensual experience > sexual experience because of your sensitivity. But only you can tell of course.

I'm a bit currious about your hyper sensitivity so I've a couple of questions how it is for you, if you don't mind of course.

Can you make some parts of your skin tickle at will?

Lips are the easiest ones for me followed by cheeks, fingertops/arms/legs next. With a little bit of time and concentration I can make most of the rest of my skin tickle, except genitals and nipples.

Can you make you body "shake" at will?

What I mean here, it's like if you receive an electric shock that goes from head till feet in a fraction of a second, enjoyable and not painful.

I don't like to be touched because it's always agressive in one way or another and most peeps have no clue either how to do it properly with me. But when done well it immediately kicks of the tickling on my skin and I can focus and keep the tickling ongoing for some time. As for hugs I hate being compressed but, only with girls, when it's a very light body contact It can goes as far as triggering a body shake for me.

Hyperaware of proximities translates in sensing someone's body heat and start feeling it on my body. Eg someone sitting near me on the bus on my right will make my right body part light up, if I want too or don't focus on something else to break the "charm".

There are moments, when I'm close (standing, sitting, ...) to someone I'm "probably" sensual attracted too, large parts of my skin start to tickle and it results in the feeling of my floating around.

There's a lot more I can feel, achieve with a bit of concentration, sensually but I've a couple of decades of self experimantation on you so ... ;)

Anyway.

Be carfull with your partner choice and good luck.

First and foremost, thank you for responding!

...you may have hit the nail on the head there. Sensuality (which I discovered like... two days ago and which may have been the key to everything) is probably the bigger thing (if not actually the only thing....) While I am pretty sensitive, I also feel like if it's something I'm prepared for I can minimize my reaction to it. For example, I have a friend who would rather tap me on the shoulder than say my name and I constantly remind her warn me because I often spazz if I sense her near and/or if she manages to poke me without me noticing first. You do ask more questions about this later in the post so....

As a warning, I did put hyper in parentheses because I'm uncertain just how high my level of sensitivity is. It seems for some people hypersensitivity is to the point where touch is painful and I'm definitely not at that level.

I'm not sure what you mean by tickle? Do you mean with my mind? I think I can make my body react as if it's been touched (muscles tense up and mightmaybe shift away from where the perceived touch was) just by imagining potential touch. Pretty much all of my torso, neck, upper arms, and upper legs are very sensitive, then it fades as it gets farther though it's not impossible for my hands or my feet to spazz if touched as well. It does have to be the right touch though, generally on the lighter side, since obviously something like stepping on my hand is completely different. I think of it more as a strong shiver that runs from the point of contact outwards rather than a tickle, I'm not sure if maybe that's what you're describing? Usually when I get tickled I see them coming and it's an actual different motion on their part so there's a certain amount of surprised screaming and me moving away + grabbing their hands whereas something like a light tap on my back could lead to surprised squealing + spazzing and moving very far away from them. Just thinking about these scenarios so that I can type out my reaction is making me twitch and tense up actually.

I'm really not sure what that is. Like an intense shiver with my whole body? I'm... not sure. I've never tried it so maybe not? Although I wonder, if I can get my mind to be in a very relaxed state and then try that it might work? Unless you mean the spazzing thing, that can run though my whole body but it radiates from the point of contact, not a uniform feeling over my whole body. Generally none of it is actually painful, and... if I'm imagining it it would be more enjoyable if not only enjoyable probably from someone who I'm in a relationship with than from a friend or something.

Actually I think if a touch is aggressive on me it would tend to be more solid/a harder touch and therefore more tolerable without spazzing (but I would probably kick them first or very quickly terminate contact). I generally don't like being touched, though, so I've just kind of avoided it in general without distinguishing between intensity of touch. I do know a lighter touch is more likely to get a rise out of me than something like a jab. I can make my skin prickle and shiver if I lightly run my fingernail my skin. The shivering sensation lasts as long as I think about it and it has to be shaken off physically by me using the muscles in that area, my body automatically using the muscles in the area (spazzing after the event) or rubbing that area, sort of like erasing and soothing the twitching. I'm usually prepared for hugs so it's never triggered anything, but I've also never been surprised by a hug before. Also most hugs touch my shoulders first which tolerate touch better (though they can still be sensitive if I will them to be) so I'm pretty quickly aware and can prepare for the imminent onslaught. I kind of detest group hugs but my friends find it amusing so I've been group hugged twice now. I've only really figured out the touch-sensitivity thing recently/been able to put it into words recently/realized it's not a thing all people feel at this level recently (kinda thought other people were just totally okay with it and I was being weird) so I haven't talked to them about it but I might if it happens again. I tolerate hugs because my friends legitimately feel better when hugged/rubbed on the back (which I get is soothing but also has a mildly uncomfortable undertone to it. I don't really know how to do it. It feels weird.). If I can see it coming and prepare, I'm more okay with it.

The proximity thing is pretty spot on, though I was never aware of whether or not it was due to someone else's body heat.

I... think I may have experienced that a few times in my life? I can't really remember though because I try not to get close to people and it would be so rare.

I'm a little curious now. What do you mean...?

Questions for you:

Do you perceive a difference between casual touching, like hand holding or sitting next to them (touching or not touching, since proximity is also something that you're aware of) versus intimate touching, like specifically touching or being touched to get the shivers? Can those happen separately where you'd prefer one type with certain people and not the other or vice versa?

Is somebody being close and staying there something you're more aware of than a touch that's been staying in one area? Ex: sitting next to someone on a bus, are you more aware of them/uncomfortable if they're not touching you versus if you're so squished they're just kind of leaning against your arm (assuming it's something they can't help because they're also squished in or something)?

I went though the whole day wondering this, and being distracted from work and class thinking about this: are there people not like this? What is it like to not be (this) sensitive to touch? Are there threads by people who /don't/ feel this? I'd be better able to gauge myself if there's another side to compare it to.

Jeez I wrote a lot. Sorry. But thank you for responding!

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Finally someone I can have a dialogue with, without coming over as a freak. We just need to agree about the terminology to use for what we experience.

I can make my skin prickle and shiver if I lightly run my fingernail my skin.

That’s what I meant with tickle, it’s that prickle sensation on our skin or lips. I don’t need any external stimuli for it as I can kick of the prickle sensation at will. For shaking I believe it’s what you call spazzing.

I experience prickle, shiver and spazzing sensations in two different ways. There’s the annoying way when I get surprised by a noise, touch or external stimuli I didn’t see coming. The pleasant way is when I’m inducing it myself or I know or suspect that an external stimulus is going to trigger a prickle that could grow and lead to a shiver and/or spazz. Same as for you as long as I keep concentrated on the prickle sensation it stays and I can make it spread it to all the body parts I can stimulate. I don’t shake the prickle sensation off physically, never thought about doing it, and let it just fade out. For the past two days and a half I’ve, while conscious, kept my lips and my left cheek prickled. Since this morning I’ve had tens, may be close to hundred shivers, partially or entirely over my body. First time I try this and I’m able too hold it that long. I only have to make sure I don’t let it grow up to a spazz, to avoid alarming folks around me at work. ;)

Ok. After reading what I already wrote, I admit, I’m a freak.

I can generate some kind of pulsing effect, kind of second heartbeat, and play with it. I can’t control my natural heartbeat but the pulsing yes and all the nice feelings it stirs up inside and through my body. And other stuff and other stuff, anyway, being hyper sensitive has opened a couple of doors for me.

The shivers are the same I would say. It’s only annoying when I don’t expect the touch. I’ve no idea for intimate touching with a partner as being ACE and surrounded by sexual women … I’m not going to ask one of the girls/women I know if I can borrow her body for some sensual experiment. I’ve done once a sensual massage to my ex but that was 16 Years ago. I remember enjoying the sensation of my fingertips sliding on her naked body for one hour or so but can’t remember the exact feelings I experienced so can’t compare about what I’m able to feel this days.

Touches over personal stimuli over proximity for me for the sensations and awareness. On the bus eg, more or less intense is very situational, can’t really draw a line or conclusion.

I’ve no idea how it is for anyone else. The few times I tried to start to talk about it with friends I received that gaze of WTF is this again Eric.

And jeez, another book written, by me this time

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Hello Aven! After stalking this site for so long I've finally made an account!

Honestly I'm not sure what I want to ask, so I'm just going to write facts about me and maybe a question will come up? I'm probably gonna write a lot, so I apologize in advance!

I'm a 19 year old female and 94% sure I'm ace, for over a year now, ever since I heard about this side of the spectrum. I'm also a virgin in everything--never been in a relationship, kissed, etc, simply because I've never found anyone and that's peachy by me. Kind of.

I identify as ace because I'm pretty sure I've never been sexually attracted to anybody ever, which, since the definition of being ace seems a little... fluid to different aces... I think of as "I have never looked at a person and decided I would like to bed them/hit that/bang them."

I haven't figured out what my romantic orientation is, though I've been searching for a while now. I've stalked Aven from time to time without being a member and tried figuring it out, but nothing ever seems to have really clicked. I'm potentially demi/grey/a-romantic. (I like labels because I feel like it helps me understand myself, which is why not being able to settle on one annoys me. But anyway.)

So things get complicated when I look at everything as a whole. I think I'm what falls under sex-favorable because I feel like I would enjoy sex if I ever actually had it. I think this might also fall under having a libido because I think there's a desire(?) to have sex in there somewhere, but it isn't actually attached to anyone, ever. But I've never masturbated and it seems like in the forums people with a libido need to/tend to relieve themselves of it (it's often described as an itch) soon after via masturbation but I've never needed to? There was nothing to relieve? So I'm not really sure what I'm feeling? Can the desire to have sex be separate from a libido in that way?

For a while I've also been thinking that everything about me would be much easier to assess if I ever actually had any experience in all of these things, which leads me to my next point. It seems like pretty much everybody in Aven is pretty opposed to the idea of a one-night stand, but I feel like I'd be pretty open to the idea while I was unpartnered? I occasionally have a fuzzy sense that I probably want cuddles and romance from someone (hence the potentially demi/grey) [not family, that seems to have popped up in some of my "romantic drive" searches...] at some point sometime but I've never wanted that from anybody specifically so it'd be the equivalent of having a libido but with romance (hence the potentially aro since it's never been directed at anyone, though some aros don't seem to believe having a romantic drive is possible). Add on top of that I'm (hyper)sensitive to touch, in that I don't really like touch and I think the only exception would be if I were in a relationship (then I'd be all about touch because I also crave it?? My body is confusing though that's probably where the fuzzy sense comes from.) so I minimize hugs and things from my friends (though they're very huggy people so I've been working on initiating hugs and being more comfortable with it, but I would never cuddle with any of them, or even be in contact with them for extended periods of time without being hyperaware of contact. I'm also hyperaware of mere proximity sometimes).

And on TOP of THAT I don't actually know what the experience of anything would be like, so I'm just really really curious and I feel like a one-night stand would be a really interesting way to explore that? I think if I were ever to find a partner I would be open to it being sexual because I think it would feel good, but that isn't necessarily attraction to my partner in a sexual way only that the deed itself would feel good, but then again how do I know it would feel good if I've never done it? But while I'm unpartnered, I feel like a one-night stand would be a way to satisfy whatevertheheckitis that makes me think having sex would feel good despite not being attracted to anyone--ie, if I never see the person I sleep with again there'll be no harm done since I'm not attracted to them. Thoughts?

To be honest though, I think I'm actually unlikely to go out looking for a one-night stand since I'm a fairly shy(/oblivious) person and even if I did it wouldn't be until after I updated a vaccine (whose immunity I'd lost apparently) which could be awhile and I'd make sure everything was safe but the /idea/ of it is intriguing. I'm also unsure how I feel about my v-card--I don't care that I have it, I don't think I would mind losing it, I might just want to get it over with, I don't know if I want it to be with someone I know or not, I'm not sure if I care; I think I'm mostly just apprehensive about first times and someone I know might be easier to communicate with than someone I don't but it might simply be enough for a stranger to know and go from there accordingly--and this uncertainty around my v-card means I'm probably even less likely to just go out seeking one-night stands. (I used to place a pretty high price on everything firsts-relationships-related, eg hand holding, kissing, etc, and knowing the person I was doing them with but the more I've tried to understand myself, the less it seems to matter [i'm also mildly worried about what if I do do it and regret it after because that would just be such a sucky feeling... the chances keep decreasing.]) I'm definitely a person who will overanalyze everything and want to be 105% sure before acting on anything like this. Still, the question stands.

This isn't an "am I ace?" question because although I occasionally question it, I'm still pretty sure I am and identify as such. If you have insight on my romantic orientation, I'd love to hear it. If you have thoughts on the libido/sex drive thing, that would be fantastic. And if you want to weigh in on the one-night stand thing, that'd be awesome. Any comments on anything else is welcome, too. (This is starting to look like an essay though, so if you've read through all of this I'm impressed. Thank you for listening! I appreciate it!)

I feel like such a child, I'm so confused by everything....

tl;dr:

I'm a very confused person and I understand if you don't read this word vomit. If you want to just answer the main questions I've posed:

(The first line counts as a paragraph!)

One-night stands: starts in the 7th pargraph which got sidetracked, mostly in the 8th paragraph

Romantic orientation: the sidetracked part of the 7th paragraph

The libido/sex drive thing: 6th paragraph

Or if any of my terminology is wrong, please do tell me. It's important (at least for me) to get these terms right when the spectrum is so wide.

Edit: I had wanted to put an analogy in here but my post got longer than I expected and I forgot. For the one-night stand, if being ace with a libido is opening the fridge while hungry but not being interested in anything in the fridge, a one-night stand would be taking something to eat anyway without caring what it is you're actually eating.

Think a lot of the sense we have about the importance of relationships comes from societal conditioning. We're raised with mantras of like, "When you grow up you'll meet someone, fall in love, and have a family." So when as adults we find ourselves happiest on our own, that programming is constantly poking us from our subconscious. I myself used to force myself into tromantic relationships every few years 'giving it the ol' college try' because I hadn't yet realized I'd been conditioned to overvalue relationships.

I was raised and encouraged to be self-reliant, to find contentment and joy on my own. Especially when my mom started walking in on me and my cousin. :) "You know, you can satisfy that desires by yourself." She suggested. And her advice has always had a way of becomming the way I do things. Like 'the voice' in "Dune." She doesn't command, she advises and yet that's more than enough. So instead of seeking pleasure from others, I sought it from myself. And at the age of 44 it's working fine. Regard those who define their own happiness because of another as relationship-addicts. Our personal happiness should never become about whether someone else is around. As I like to say, 'learn how to be happy alone in an empty room. Once you do you can be happy anywhere.'

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Finally someone I can have a dialogue with, without coming over as a freak. We just need to agree about the terminology to use for what we experience.

I can make my skin prickle and shiver if I lightly run my fingernail my skin.

That’s what I meant with tickle, it’s that prickle sensation on our skin or lips. I don’t need any external stimuli for it as I can kick of the prickle sensation at will. For shaking I believe it’s what you call spazzing.

I experience prickle, shiver and spazzing sensations in two different ways. There’s the annoying way when I get surprised by a noise, touch or external stimuli I didn’t see coming. The pleasant way is when I’m inducing it myself or I know or suspect that an external stimulus is going to trigger a prickle that could grow and lead to a shiver and/or spazz. Same as for you as long as I keep concentrated on the prickle sensation it stays and I can make it spread it to all the body parts I can stimulate. I don’t shake the prickle sensation off physically, never thought about doing it, and let it just fade out. For the past two days and a half I’ve, while conscious, kept my lips and my left cheek prickled. Since this morning I’ve had tens, may be close to hundred shivers, partially or entirely over my body. First time I try this and I’m able too hold it that long. I only have to make sure I don’t let it grow up to a spazz, to avoid alarming folks around me at work. ;)

Ok. After reading what I already wrote, I admit, I’m a freak.

I can generate some kind of pulsing effect, kind of second heartbeat, and play with it. I can’t control my natural heartbeat but the pulsing yes and all the nice feelings it stirs up inside and through my body. And other stuff and other stuff, anyway, being hyper sensitive has opened a couple of doors for me.

The shivers are the same I would say. It’s only annoying when I don’t expect the touch. I’ve no idea for intimate touching with a partner as being ACE and surrounded by sexual women … I’m not going to ask one of the girls/women I know if I can borrow her body for some sensual experiment. I’ve done once a sensual massage to my ex but that was 16 Years ago. I remember enjoying the sensation of my fingertips sliding on her naked body for one hour or so but can’t remember the exact feelings I experienced so can’t compare about what I’m able to feel this days.

Touches over personal stimuli over proximity for me for the sensations and awareness. On the bus eg, more or less intense is very situational, can’t really draw a line or conclusion.

I’ve no idea how it is for anyone else. The few times I tried to start to talk about it with friends I received that gaze of WTF is this again Eric.

And jeez, another book written, by me this time

Oh my god.

You are completely not a freak. I didn't even know it was different from the way other people experienced these things and it's totally not a bad thing. I wonder if there are more people who, like me, experience these things and didn't think much of it? I mean the only reason it's come up now and that I'm even thinking about it so in depth is because I was trying to pinpoint my orientation. If I had been allo I might never have questioned it.

Okay yes definitely I can make my skin prickle and get myself to shiver just by thought alone, the physical touch just helps, and it's easier with the more sensitive areas.

So prickling/tickling is the skin tingling and/or the hairs on a certain area of your skin standing up?

Shivers is like... prickling/tingling that travels over the skin?

Twitching is localized muscle spasm?

Spazzing/shaking is a muscle spasm throughout the whole body?

I agree with the two different experiences, too. Though I mostly only have these reactions with tactility, I do react differently from someone actively trying to get a rise out of me from poking me in the side (I think this is how you define your annoying experience) vs how I (would) react when I know/suspect something can induce the shivers. But even though the latter isn't an unpleasant feeling (the first is just kind of annoying, yeah) I don't particularly like receiving it from friends/would probably be very against receiving that from people who were just friends, and as I said before would probably only enjoy it if it were with somebody I'm in a relationship with (whatever that may be). If I'm doing it myself then it leans more towards pleasurable. However I think when I suspect something's going to happen I prickle and if the touch actually occurs I get a shiver that I can't control that radiates outwards and that can turn into a twitch/spazz/shake if it goes long enough/is intense enough. (I don't need to concentrate on it to make it go just about everywhere, probably would only need to concentrate if I want it to spread all the way to the other end of my body). I suppose I don't have to shake it off, but if my body twitches/spazzes that makes it go away faster and is sometimes autonomous, and since I haven't liked receiving touch from anyone I've always made it go away (Though now that I think about it I usually let it stay for a little while if I'm doing it myself before smoothing it away/brushing it off. Usually because I have to go to sleep.) Or if I'm trying to do work and I randomly get a shiver I'd rather smooth it away than leave it on my skin. And, as I said before, I don't react as much to a harder touch so rubbing the area takes away the prickliness.

Huh. That... is an interesting experiment that I should try someday when I can find the time to and can spare the brainpower to concentrate on keeping it going for an extended amount of time.

A second heartbeat? Like you can feel the thumping in your skin in areas under than the chest? There have been times where it feels like my entire heartbeat is reverberating and affecting my entire body but it's almost always been in line with my actual heartbeat... as far as my ability to take my heartbeat (not very good) can tell.

I see. Yeah, surprise touches are pretty much never pleasant, I completely agree with you there. Though as with any of the other touches I might be okay with it if I were in a relationship.

Interesting. Huh. I think I'm the other way around, but I suspect that's because I prickle even when something is close which I can't smooth away and if somebody stays in contact then I can mentally smooth away the shivers/get around to ignoring it so that I stop reacting to the touch.

Curiosity killed the cat. Maybe I should ask my friends about it, I never thought to talk to them about this before, never having thought it was something that was different. I kind of really want regular people to just start doing AMA's so people can ask them how something feels and compare, like the way sexual people weighed in on the how does sexual attraction actually feel thread. Maybe a new thread with a poll? I don't think I've found any other threads talking about this which is why it was so hard to figure it out/find anything about sensuality. It really doesn't come up a lot.

I love books and I don't mind. It's something that requires a lot of detail so it can't really be helped. I think I wrote a book equal to yours, though (sorry!).

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Think a lot of the sense we have about the importance of relationships comes from societal conditioning. We're raised with mantras of like, "When you grow up you'll meet someone, fall in love, and have a family." So when as adults we find ourselves happiest on our own, that programming is constantly poking us from our subconscious. I myself used to force myself into tromantic relationships every few years 'giving it the ol' college try' because I hadn't yet realized I'd been conditioned to overvalue relationships.

I was raised and encouraged to be self-reliant, to find contentment and joy on my own. Especially when my mom started walking in on me and my cousin. :) "You know, you can satisfy that desires by yourself." She suggested. And her advice has always had a way of becomming the way I do things. Like 'the voice' in "Dune." She doesn't command, she advises and yet that's more than enough. So instead of seeking pleasure from others, I sought it from myself. And at the age of 44 it's working fine. Regard those who define their own happiness because of another as relationship-addicts. Our personal happiness should never become about whether someone else is around. As I like to say, 'learn how to be happy alone in an empty room. Once you do you can be happy anywhere.'

Thanks for answering.

While I agree that society keeps shouting this in our faces and there is likely a small part of me that is affected by that, I was raised to be independent as well. I am a big believer in doing what you want without worrying/caring about what society thinks, and I think I actually believe in this and do this MUCH more than my friends do. I won't do something because society says I should and I won't not do something because society says I shouldn't. I'm studying to be an engineer because why the heck can't females do it. I wear tank tops 99% of the time and my bra straps always fall but I wear them anyway because it's more comfortable and it being "inappropriate" is an idiotic idea that I don't need to concern myself with. What I'm saying is, I don't worry about society's attempts to limit me and I don't allow it to push me to do something I don't want to do.

And I appreciate that you're encouraging me to be independent, but I am independent already and I'm capable of figuring things out on my own and finding my own happiness just fine. I know I don't need a relationship to be happy, and I'm not unhappy about never having experienced anything. I am genuinely curious. Curiosity doesn't make me any less happy than I am, and I'm not forcing myself into relationships. I haven't been in one and I'm not actively seeking one out. In fact I'm not sure if I will ever be in a relationship and that's fine. My hesitance/additional "kind of" with saying that I'm peachy with having no experience is due to my curiosity, not that my happiness is in anyway marred by my lack of experience. And my curiosity stems from my desire to understand myself, because figuring myself out is really important to me (otherwise I wouldn't even bother exploring Aven and ask questions). I've been allowing my identity to freefloat for a while but I know I want to pin it down and I believe getting data from experience will help.

And if somebody else is happier in a relationship, then I'm happy for them because I'm not going to bring them down for having found something that makes them happy. Just as you're happy just being by yourself, others are happy if they have somebody else to talk to/share their life with/whatever else their relationship entails. Most of my partnered friends can be totally happy on their own, their happiness is simply augmented by being in a relationship. And maybe that's not for you and maybe it's not for me, but they're no better or worse of a person for wanting a relationship. (If they're legitimately upset by not being in a relationship, that's a different story and I would worry and talk to them rather than brush them off as a relationship addict).

...I just reread what I wrote and I realize it seems really brusque. Sorry. I do appreciate your input, and I see where you're coming from, but I'm not curious because of societal influences, I'm curious for myself. I don't think something is going to feel good because society says it's expected and should feel good, I think it because I thought about it and my body said yeah probably I would enjoy it. (Also I have a very scientific mind. I have a hypothesis and would like to carry out an experiment so that I can get to a conclusion. Because having a theory is all well and good but I like hard data.)

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Think a lot of the sense we have about the importance of relationships comes from societal conditioning. We're raised with mantras of like, "When you grow up you'll meet someone, fall in love, and have a family." So when as adults we find ourselves happiest on our own, that programming is constantly poking us from our subconscious. I myself used to force myself into tromantic relationships every few years 'giving it the ol' college try' because I hadn't yet realized I'd been conditioned to overvalue relationships.

I was raised and encouraged to be self-reliant, to find contentment and joy on my own. Especially when my mom started walking in on me and my cousin. :) "You know, you can satisfy that desires by yourself." She suggested. And her advice has always had a way of becomming the way I do things. Like 'the voice' in "Dune." She doesn't command, she advises and yet that's more than enough. So instead of seeking pleasure from others, I sought it from myself. And at the age of 44 it's working fine. Regard those who define their own happiness because of another as relationship-addicts. Our personal happiness should never become about whether someone else is around. As I like to say, 'learn how to be happy alone in an empty room. Once you do you can be happy anywhere.'

Thanks for answering.

While I agree that society keeps shouting this in our faces and there is likely a small part of me that is affected by that, I was raised to be independent as well. I am a big believer in doing what you want without worrying/caring about what society thinks, and I think I actually believe in this and do this MUCH more than my friends do. I won't do something because society says I should and I won't not do something because society says I shouldn't. I'm studying to be an engineer because why the heck can't females do it. I wear tank tops 99% of the time and my bra straps always fall but I wear them anyway because it's more comfortable and it being "inappropriate" is an idiotic idea that I don't need to concern myself with. What I'm saying is, I don't worry about society's attempts to limit me and I don't allow it to push me to do something I don't want to do.

And I appreciate that you're encouraging me to be independent, but I am independent already and I'm capable of figuring things out on my own and finding my own happiness just fine. I know I don't need a relationship to be happy, and I'm not unhappy about never having experienced anything. I am genuinely curious. Curiosity doesn't make me any less happy than I am, and I'm not forcing myself into relationships. I haven't been in one and I'm not actively seeking one out. In fact I'm not sure if I will ever be in a relationship and that's fine. My hesitance/additional "kind of" with saying that I'm peachy with having no experience is due to my curiosity, not that my happiness is in anyway marred by my lack of experience. And my curiosity stems from my desire to understand myself, because figuring myself out is really important to me (otherwise I wouldn't even bother exploring Aven and ask questions). I've been allowing my identity to freefloat for a while but I know I want to pin it down and I believe getting data from experience will help.

And if somebody else is happier in a relationship, then I'm happy for them because I'm not going to bring them down for having found something that makes them happy. Just as you're happy just being by yourself, others are happy if they have somebody else to talk to/share their life with/whatever else their relationship entails. Most of my partnered friends can be totally happy on their own, their happiness is simply augmented by being in a relationship. And maybe that's not for you and maybe it's not for me, but they're no better or worse of a person for wanting a relationship. (If they're legitimately upset by not being in a relationship, that's a different story and I would worry and talk to them rather than brush them off as a relationship addict).

...I just reread what I wrote and I realize it seems really brusque. Sorry. I do appreciate your input, and I see where you're coming from, but I'm not curious because of societal influences, I'm curious for myself. I don't think something is going to feel good because society says it's expected and should feel good, I think it because I thought about it and my body said yeah probably I would enjoy it. (Also I have a very scientific mind. I have a hypothesis and would like to carry out an experiment so that I can get to a conclusion. Because having a theory is all well and good but I like hard data.)

Was in the military. Once you've had a surly company commander screaming in your face you develop a thicker skin. :) But I appreciate your clarification. Wasn't trying to bring you down or otherwise be critical. Am something of a 'Candor' ala "Divergent" and say what I think and need to work a bit on my self-censor is all. :)

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Was in the military. Once you've had a surly company commander screaming in your face you develop a thicker skin. :) But I appreciate your clarification. Wasn't trying to bring you down or otherwise be critical. Am something of a 'Candor' ala "Divergent" and say what I think and need to work a bit on my self-censor is all. :)

It's okay. I know I sometimes misread other people's comments which is why I've developed the habit of re-reading them several times to make sure I understand what they're saying before I write a response. And then I re-read what I wrote several times because I know I can come off as brusque sometimes. As long as you realize it and you're working on it it's okay.

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One night stands can be quite dangerous and regretful.

For some, they can be fun and interesting, if the right precautions are taken.

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I identify as ace because I'm pretty sure I've never been sexually attracted to anybody ever, which, since the definition of being ace seems a little... fluid to different aces... I think of as "I have never looked at a person and decided I would like to bed them/hit that/bang them."

So things get complicated when I look at everything as a whole. I think I'm what falls under sex-favorable because I feel like I would enjoy sex if I ever actually had it. I think this might also fall under having a libido because I think there's a desire(?) to have sex in there somewhere, but it isn't actually attached to anyone, ever. But I've never masturbated and it seems like in the forums people with a libido need to/tend to relieve themselves of it (it's often described as an itch) soon after via masturbation but I've never needed to? There was nothing to relieve? So I'm not really sure what I'm feeling? Can the desire to have sex be separate from a libido in that way?

It seems like pretty much everybody in Aven is pretty opposed to the idea of a one-night stand, but I feel like I'd be pretty open to the idea while I was unpartnered? I occasionally have a fuzzy sense that I probably want cuddles and romance from someone at some point sometime but I've never wanted that from anybody specifically so it'd be the equivalent of having a libido but with romance. Add on top of that I'm (hyper)sensitive to touch, in that I don't really like touch [...] because I also crave it?? My body is confusing though that's probably where the fuzzy sense comes from.) so I minimize hugs and things from my friends (though they're very huggy people so I've been working on initiating hugs and being more comfortable with it, but I would never cuddle with any of them, or even be in contact with them for extended periods of time without being hyperaware of contact. I'm also hyperaware of mere proximity sometimes).

And on TOP of THAT I don't actually know what the experience of anything would be like, so I'm just really really curious and I feel like a one-night stand would be a really interesting way to explore that? I think if I were ever to find a partner I would be open to it being sexual because I think it would feel good, but that isn't necessarily attraction to my partner in a sexual way only that the deed itself would feel good, but then again how do I know it would feel good if I've never done it? But while I'm unpartnered, I feel like a one-night stand would be a way to satisfy whatevertheheckitis that makes me think having sex would feel good despite not being attracted to anyone--ie, if I never see the person I sleep with again there'll be no harm done since I'm not attracted to them. Thoughts?

This isn't an "am I ace?" question because although I occasionally question it, I'm still pretty sure I am and identify as such. If you have insight on my romantic orientation, I'd love to hear it. If you have thoughts on the libido/sex drive thing, that would be fantastic. And if you want to weigh in on the one-night stand thing, that'd be awesome. Any comments on anything else is welcome, too.

Or if any of my terminology is wrong, please do tell me. It's important (at least for me) to get these terms right when the spectrum is so wide.

Edit: I had wanted to put an analogy in here but my post got longer than I expected and I forgot. For the one-night stand, if being ace with a libido is opening the fridge while hungry but not being interested in anything in the fridge, a one-night stand would be taking something to eat anyway without caring what it is you're actually eating.

Sorry about chopping up your post-- I was trying to keep the parts I wanted to respond to together and make it easier for me to see while responding. :)

I don't think what you mention in the blue part is a libido then since you said "there was nothing to relieve". What I see a lot on the forums is a want to desire sex rather than actually desiring sex. They mentally wish they wanted to have sex for its own sake, because they don't want/crave it physically or have a desire to seek it out. Or that they like that it can come with kissing and cuddling and so they wish to try or wish they wanted sex because of these other things that it is associated with.

As for your question, yes a desire for sex can be separate from the body's libido (hence why we have all those sex supplement commercials on TV, since you can want it without your body co-operating).

In regards to the one-night stand, yeah most AVENites I've seen wouldn't want one night stands for the most part, but I have heard of some that would consider it with a casual acquaintance (or someone they don't have to deal with really in the future) just to satisfy their curiosity of what sex feels like. What you mentioned sounds mostly like curiosity about what it would feel like, to me-- especially since you are so aware of touch. And it makes sense to me that if you find a lot of touch negative then you'd be curious to try something that is supposed to be pleasurable. (I personally think people who are hypersensitive to touch tend to try and find forms of touch that are nice because it heightens it for us.)

Also, I agree with Nidwin that your one-night stand desire might be coming more from a sensual standpoint. I'm pretty weird about touch (aka hypersensitive). I used to never want it in any form and then I went through a similar situation with my friends years ago, as you are, where I didn't like the touch or hugs but kind of adapted to it from certain people to where I didn't hate it. Now I don't mind if people I'm close with touch me under certain circumstances (has to be certain people and may depend on my mood)--- but I largely go without touch still. If a stranger or even people I know well-- but for some reason aren't comfortable with on that level-- touches me it feels wrong and my skin crawls or prickles.

Despite that, I do crave touch at times... but not just any touch would satisfy that or even feel right to me, adapted from what you said, I don't like all touch but I crave touch sometimes. Similarly, I get "romance cravings" where I want the intimacy, cuddling, etc. even when I'm happy not being in a relationship and have no one in particular in mind.

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It's interesting to read your post, because I have had many similar thoughts in my life, and I think I as well might be maybe not hypersensitive but more sensitive than many others and that's why I used to have big problems with touching. The problem with touching has mostly disappeared, probably by having a group of friends I feel very comfortable around being very touchy people, and me slowly, slowly growing to like and enjoy it to some extent and even becoming a way more touchy person myself.

But what I really wanted to write about wasn't hypersensitivity (that was just an afterthought that I have never really thought about before) but rather the one-night-stand-thingy. Long before I even suspected that I might be asexual, the fact that I was a virgin slightly annoyed me at times. Many times not, but when you slowly get older and older and not a single one of your friends are virgins anymore you start to wonder what you are missing out on. Also I thought that could be one of the reasons I had problems getting closer to guys, that they would think I was after something way more serious if they knew that I was a virgin, or that I made way too big a deal out of things even though in my head i didn't really think loosing my virginity would be such a big deal. I never thought it was the big thing, that it had to be with the love of my life or anything like that, but I did make three small rules for myself. My first time should not be a one-night-stand, it should not be with a random, unknown, guy, and I should not be completely drunk, and especially not all three things at the same time.

I guess you might say that I luckily didn't have much of a social life, especially not one that involved romantic and sexual encounters, during my teen years, which gave me time to become more independent and confident (I do masturbate and also that way maybe got more confident sexually, and knew how to please myself) by the time I did manage to get myself into sexual situations (always happening when being too drunk...). If I had been less confident there are times I think I would have just given in even though that wasn't what I really wanted. I have managed to end up naked in bed with guys I thought were good friends, trying to convince me to the tiresome to have sex and that I "made way too much big of a deal out of the whole virginity thing" and I can easily see a less sure, less independent (or maybe less asexual) me would have just gone along with it because it would have been way easier (though I think bordering to being rape).

Though, as a curios person, I did want to loose my virginity at some point, and in the end I ended up breaking all my rules. I was drunk at a music festival, and I ended up having a one-night-stand with a complete stranger, from another country, that I barely remember the name of and that I will never ever see again. I had many times been considering the doing a one-night-stand to loose my virginity idea, setting limits like, if I was still a virgin at 22 or 25 or whatever (the age limit kept creeping up as I got older...) I would do it. But I feel like it's not something you can really plan. I think if I set out to find a person for a one-night-stand, it would never have happened. But still when it did happen, it was kind of my making after all (though completely unplanned). All the other sexual situations I have found myself in have come pretty much against my will, I didn't want them to happen, they just did, and somehow I didn't feel ready. During the festival though, as soon as my friends left me because they wanted to go to bed but I wanted to listen to the rest of the concert of the band playing I kind of knew unconsciously that if the occasion presented itself I might be going for it. I met a guy, we made out for a bit (it might be worth mentioning that I have never had problems making out, it's not really sexually for me), but generally were just hanging out with some other random people, we were flirting a lot, and I knew that if I joined him to his tent there would be sexual things happening. I could have left him at any point, this was not one of those random situations I just happened to get myself into with friends, I felt like I was calling the shots, I knew what was coming to me, and I went with it - and I have absolutely no regrets.

As I said, I knew what I was getting myself into, if I had lost my virginity with any of the other one-night-stand-prospect-situations I have had in my life, I think I would have felt different. Luckily the guy I ended up with was not a total douche, even though it was a drunken one-night-stand at a festival, and he really tried to please me (he had no idea I was a virgin), went on with the foreplay for quite some time, and I actually enjoyed it to some extent (which makes me think I'm probably gray). even though I did freeze up and started to feel really cold and shuddering at some point, which I always tend to do when I get myself into sexual situations (which also works pretty well at getting out of them) The sexual act in itself though I didn't much like, luckily it wasn't really painful for me, but I felt like it just went on and on, and I didn't really see the point of it at all. Afterwards he kept trying to get me to orgasm, I even tried to help myself, but it just wouldn't happen and I just started thinking how much easier it is for me to do it all by myself. I felt uncomfortable and just told him to stop and that it was okay, and we went to sleep. The interesting part is that I have realized that I kind of like waking up in someone's arms and I really enjoy light touches, but I don't really feel like seeking out sex and I'm perfectly fine without it. But I have no problems envisioning myself having it again at some point with the right guy, if he ever shows up (or rather if I actually let him into my life).

I don't know if this actually answers any of your questions (and sorry if I got a bit too visual for some of you guys), or anything, but there you have how one girl felt the whole one-night-stand scenario. Do I regret it? No. Am I planning on doing it again? No. (and I'm very happy in the end that it was with a complete stranger and not someone I know, or who know someone I know).

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One night stands can be quite dangerous and regretful.

Yes, but as .Lia says, if done safely it can be fun and interesting. I realize now my post on that was a little ambiguous and unclear. The thing is, most people on Aven end up saying never ever to the one night stand not because it's dangerous or potentially regretful but because they wouldn't want to do it with someone they didn't know very well beforehand/was very very close to. That was the interesting part to me. (I have a feeling it may have something to do with being sex-favourable which seems to be a bit of a minority on Aven? But who knows.)

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I identify as ace because I'm pretty sure I've never been sexually attracted to anybody ever, which, since the definition of being ace seems a little... fluid to different aces... I think of as "I have never looked at a person and decided I would like to bed them/hit that/bang them."

So things get complicated when I look at everything as a whole. I think I'm what falls under sex-favorable because I feel like I would enjoy sex if I ever actually had it. I think this might also fall under having a libido because I think there's a desire(?) to have sex in there somewhere, but it isn't actually attached to anyone, ever. But I've never masturbated and it seems like in the forums people with a libido need to/tend to relieve themselves of it (it's often described as an itch) soon after via masturbation but I've never needed to? There was nothing to relieve? So I'm not really sure what I'm feeling? Can the desire to have sex be separate from a libido in that way?

It seems like pretty much everybody in Aven is pretty opposed to the idea of a one-night stand, but I feel like I'd be pretty open to the idea while I was unpartnered? I occasionally have a fuzzy sense that I probably want cuddles and romance from someone at some point sometime but I've never wanted that from anybody specifically so it'd be the equivalent of having a libido but with romance. Add on top of that I'm (hyper)sensitive to touch, in that I don't really like touch [...] because I also crave it?? My body is confusing though that's probably where the fuzzy sense comes from.) so I minimize hugs and things from my friends (though they're very huggy people so I've been working on initiating hugs and being more comfortable with it, but I would never cuddle with any of them, or even be in contact with them for extended periods of time without being hyperaware of contact. I'm also hyperaware of mere proximity sometimes).

And on TOP of THAT I don't actually know what the experience of anything would be like, so I'm just really really curious and I feel like a one-night stand would be a really interesting way to explore that? I think if I were ever to find a partner I would be open to it being sexual because I think it would feel good, but that isn't necessarily attraction to my partner in a sexual way only that the deed itself would feel good, but then again how do I know it would feel good if I've never done it? But while I'm unpartnered, I feel like a one-night stand would be a way to satisfy whatevertheheckitis that makes me think having sex would feel good despite not being attracted to anyone--ie, if I never see the person I sleep with again there'll be no harm done since I'm not attracted to them. Thoughts?

This isn't an "am I ace?" question because although I occasionally question it, I'm still pretty sure I am and identify as such. If you have insight on my romantic orientation, I'd love to hear it. If you have thoughts on the libido/sex drive thing, that would be fantastic. And if you want to weigh in on the one-night stand thing, that'd be awesome. Any comments on anything else is welcome, too.

Or if any of my terminology is wrong, please do tell me. It's important (at least for me) to get these terms right when the spectrum is so wide.

Edit: I had wanted to put an analogy in here but my post got longer than I expected and I forgot. For the one-night stand, if being ace with a libido is opening the fridge while hungry but not being interested in anything in the fridge, a one-night stand would be taking something to eat anyway without caring what it is you're actually eating.

Sorry about chopping up your post-- I was trying to keep the parts I wanted to respond to together and make it easier for me to see while responding. :)

I don't think what you mention in the blue part is a libido then since you said "there was nothing to relieve". What I see a lot on the forums is a want to desire sex rather than actually desiring sex. They mentally wish they wanted to have sex for its own sake, because they don't want/crave it physically or have a desire to seek it out. Or that they like that it can come with kissing and cuddling and so they wish to try or wish they wanted sex because of these other things that it is associated with.

As for your question, yes a desire for sex can be separate from the body's libido (hence why we have all those sex supplement commercials on TV, since you can want it without your body co-operating).

In regards to the one-night stand, yeah most AVENites I've seen wouldn't want one night stands for the most part, but I have heard of some that would consider it with a casual acquaintance (or someone they don't have to deal with really in the future) just to satisfy their curiosity of what sex feels like. What you mentioned sounds mostly like curiosity about what it would feel like, to me-- especially since you are so aware of touch. And it makes sense to me that if you find a lot of touch negative then you'd be curious to try something that is supposed to be pleasurable. (I personally think people who are hypersensitive to touch tend to try and find forms of touch that are nice because it heightens it for us.)

Also, I agree with Nidwin that your one-night stand desire might be coming more from a sensual standpoint. I'm pretty weird about touch (aka hypersensitive). I used to never want it in any form and then I went through a similar situation with my friends years ago, as you are, where I didn't like the touch or hugs but kind of adapted to it from certain people to where I didn't hate it. Now I don't mind if people I'm close with touch me under certain circumstances (has to be certain people and may depend on my mood)--- but I largely go without touch still. If a stranger or even people I know well-- but for some reason aren't comfortable with on that level-- touches me it feels wrong and my skin crawls or prickles.

Despite that, I do crave touch at times... but not just any touch would satisfy that or even feel right to me, adapted from what you said, I don't like all touch but I crave touch sometimes. Similarly, I get "romance cravings" where I want the intimacy, cuddling, etc. even when I'm happy not being in a relationship and have no one in particular in mind.

That's alright, it was a long post and I totally understand. I'm just going to throw it in a spoiler if you don't mind so that it won't take up quite so much space.

I'm not sure I'm really following your explanation but I gather that I'm sex-favourable because I want to have sex but I don't have a libido because I don't physically desire sex (my body doesn't have that reaction) [Edit: the word I'm looking for here is aroused. I don't get aroused.]?

Okay this I follow and I think this could be true. Curiosity does seem to play a large role in this, on top of the sensual thing. (Your experience of touch seems pretty aligned with mine!)

And yes to that last part! The touch and romance cravings blur a little for me but I completely understand what you're saying. Now that I think about it, this probably also plays into the curiosity.

But though the idea is appealing, I don't think I can actually see myself carrying it out. Safety is kinda big and it'd be a bit of a hassle. Plus I'd probably have to be a bit drunk to talk to a guy (that shy/obliviousness) and that has other danger issues... so realistically is pretty improbable. But, you know, I still entertain the idea. Thank you for the input, I really appreciate it!

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It's interesting to read your post, because I have had many similar thoughts in my life, and I think I as well might be maybe not hypersensitive but more sensitive than many others and that's why I used to have big problems with touching. The problem with touching has mostly disappeared, probably by having a group of friends I feel very comfortable around being very touchy people, and me slowly, slowly growing to like and enjoy it to some extent and even becoming a way more touchy person myself.

But what I really wanted to write about wasn't hypersensitivity (that was just an afterthought that I have never really thought about before) but rather the one-night-stand-thingy. Long before I even suspected that I might be asexual, the fact that I was a virgin slightly annoyed me at times. Many times not, but when you slowly get older and older and not a single one of your friends are virgins anymore you start to wonder what you are missing out on. Also I thought that could be one of the reasons I had problems getting closer to guys, that they would think I was after something way more serious if they knew that I was a virgin, or that I made way too big a deal out of things even though in my head i didn't really think loosing my virginity would be such a big deal. I never thought it was the big thing, that it had to be with the love of my life or anything like that, but I did make three small rules for myself. My first time should not be a one-night-stand, it should not be with a random, unknown, guy, and I should not be completely drunk, and especially not all three things at the same time.

I guess you might say that I luckily didn't have much of a social life, especially not one that involved romantic and sexual encounters, during my teen years, which gave me time to become more independent and confident (I do masturbate and also that way maybe got more confident sexually, and knew how to please myself) by the time I did manage to get myself into sexual situations (always happening when being too drunk...). If I had been less confident there are times I think I would have just given in even though that wasn't what I really wanted. I have managed to end up naked in bed with guys I thought were good friends, trying to convince me to the tiresome to have sex and that I "made way too much big of a deal out of the whole virginity thing" and I can easily see a less sure, less independent (or maybe less asexual) me would have just gone along with it because it would have been way easier (though I think bordering to being rape).

Though, as a curios person, I did want to loose my virginity at some point, and in the end I ended up breaking all my rules. I was drunk at a music festival, and I ended up having a one-night-stand with a complete stranger, from another country, that I barely remember the name of and that I will never ever see again. I had many times been considering the doing a one-night-stand to loose my virginity idea, setting limits like, if I was still a virgin at 22 or 25 or whatever (the age limit kept creeping up as I got older...) I would do it. But I feel like it's not something you can really plan. I think if I set out to find a person for a one-night-stand, it would never have happened. But still when it did happen, it was kind of my making after all (though completely unplanned). All the other sexual situations I have found myself in have come pretty much against my will, I didn't want them to happen, they just did, and somehow I didn't feel ready. During the festival though, as soon as my friends left me because they wanted to go to bed but I wanted to listen to the rest of the concert of the band playing I kind of knew unconsciously that if the occasion presented itself I might be going for it. I met a guy, we made out for a bit (it might be worth mentioning that I have never had problems making out, it's not really sexually for me), but generally were just hanging out with some other random people, we were flirting a lot, and I knew that if I joined him to his tent there would be sexual things happening. I could have left him at any point, this was not one of those random situations I just happened to get myself into with friends, I felt like I was calling the shots, I knew what was coming to me, and I went with it - and I have absolutely no regrets.

As I said, I knew what I was getting myself into, if I had lost my virginity with any of the other one-night-stand-prospect-situations I have had in my life, I think I would have felt different. Luckily the guy I ended up with was not a total douche, even though it was a drunken one-night-stand at a festival, and he really tried to please me (he had no idea I was a virgin), went on with the foreplay for quite some time, and I actually enjoyed it to some extent (which makes me think I'm probably gray). even though I did freeze up and started to feel really cold and shuddering at some point, which I always tend to do when I get myself into sexual situations (which also works pretty well at getting out of them) The sexual act in itself though I didn't much like, luckily it wasn't really painful for me, but I felt like it just went on and on, and I didn't really see the point of it at all. Afterwards he kept trying to get me to orgasm, I even tried to help myself, but it just wouldn't happen and I just started thinking how much easier it is for me to do it all by myself. I felt uncomfortable and just told him to stop and that it was okay, and we went to sleep. The interesting part is that I have realized that I kind of like waking up in someone's arms and I really enjoy light touches, but I don't really feel like seeking out sex and I'm perfectly fine without it. But I have no problems envisioning myself having it again at some point with the right guy, if he ever shows up (or rather if I actually let him into my life).

I don't know if this actually answers any of your questions (and sorry if I got a bit too visual for some of you guys), or anything, but there you have how one girl felt the whole one-night-stand scenario. Do I regret it? No. Am I planning on doing it again? No. (and I'm very happy in the end that it was with a complete stranger and not someone I know, or who know someone I know).

Yeah I think having friends who like hugs made me more forgiving of touch (though I still prefer the warning and I always ask if somebody wants a hug/if a hug would make them feel better. Knowing that I don't really love hugs makes me cautious when hugging others....)

That was really good insight, thank you. You make a good point about how a one-night stand isn't something you can really plan and that it's more of something that just happens. I think I was proposing it as more of a thought problem/experiment than something that I would actually implement in real life. (Being drunk and staying safe doesn't seem to be something my mind can put together, and not knowing my tolerance makes it even more dangerous. Wanting to be both reckless and safe at the same time is a little strange.)

Thank you for sharing with me. I feel better knowing that this isn't too strange of an idea and reading the views of somebody who has experienced the very thought experiment I proposed (even if it seems improbable for me personally right now) was eye-opening. I'm really glad you had no regrets about it and that you felt comfortable with writing about it. Thank you!

[On a side note, enjoying the act isn't necessarily correlated with attraction itself. Your body may still react to physical stimuli but it doesn't change whether or not you're attracted to the person, if that makes any sense? (Sorry if that only confuses you more....)]

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Why is it always us who have to adapt to them and do and act to please them? Why can't it be a shared effort so both sides are happy?

I hate being grabbed, compressed againt a pair of boobs, and get triple wet and hard smacked on the cheeks. If the smack is too hard, loud and close to my ear it hurts me. And being compressed against boobs doesn't do it for me. With me it's a soft sensible touch for boobing Nidwin and I prefer a soft touch cheek against cheek (3-4 seconds) over any form of smacking.

My body doesn't get hot and if it does it means that I've a fever or I'm not feeling well. My body gets "electric", prickling skin and from there on I'll experience shivers and spazz. It's simple. Look me in the eyes, walk slowly to me (show me your sensual feminine walk), make a light contact of your boobs against my chest, put your cheek against mine (I say put, not try to compress my cheeck to see if you can feel my teeth through my cheek) and after a while, just a little giggle or a soft sensual "I like this" should do the trick. But no, it's way more fun to grab me by surprise, smack me against the wall, compress your entire body against mine (want to push me trough the wall?), press your lips against mine and try to force your way inside my mouth with your tongue. Exciting for you? Probably, but not for me.

I've a question for you Idkwhatami, just currious here. What would you prefer

1. A companion to be able to explore prickle, shivers, spazz and share that stuff together

2, A companion to have sex with to satisfy your curiosity

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Why is it always us who have to adapt to them and do and act to please them? Why can't it be a shared effort so both sides are happy?

I hate being grabbed, compressed againt a pair of boobs, and get triple wet and hard smacked on the cheeks. If the smack is too hard, loud and close to my ear it hurts me. And being compressed against boobs doesn't do it for me. With me it's a soft sensible touch for boobing Nidwin and I prefer a soft touch cheek against cheek (3-4 seconds) over any form of smacking.

My body doesn't get hot and if it does it means that I've a fever or I'm not feeling well. My body gets "electric", prickling skin and from there on I'll experience shivers and spazz. It's simple. Look me in the eyes, walk slowly to me (show me your sensual feminine walk), make a light contact of your boobs against my chest, put your cheek against mine (I say put, not try to compress my cheeck to see if you can feel my teeth through my cheek) and after a while, just a little giggle or a soft sensual "I like this" should do the trick. But no, it's way more fun to grab me by surprise, smack me against the wall, compress your entire body against mine (want to push me trough the wall?), press your lips against mine and try to force your way inside my mouth with your tongue. Exciting for you? Probably, but not for me.

I've a question for you Idkwhatami, just currious here. What would you prefer

1. A companion to be able to explore prickle, shivers, spazz and share that stuff together

2, A companion to have sex with to satisfy your curiosity

Well ideally it'd go both ways, yes. I'm not saying I'd do it just to please them though. As far as I can tell I myself actually do want to have sex, I've just never coupled that to a person.

Hm. It's true there's different levels of roughness, I hadn't thought about that. And now that I'm thinking about it, I don't know if I prefer one over the other or not. They're two very different types of sensual and having experienced neither (and nothing) I can't really tell what I (would) like.

Hm, both? And they don't necessarily have to be the same person? I mean, once I've had sex once then most of my curiosity will be gone, right? (I suppose I could be curious about whether or not it'd be different with a different person or with a different approach or something but having experienced it at least once would, I think, make me overall less curious.) And then the only option left is the sensuality thing, which is something that I could see as being more long term, because I don't think my sensuality would go away after doing it once. [...I feel like there was an underlying question that I didn't really answer. If you want you can try asking again?]

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It's fine and there wasn't anything underlying. I was just wondering which of both experience you would prefer but as you haven't experienced any of it it makes sense you want to have both at least once in your life.

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Hi, so your being sex-favorable and curious about it sounds a lot like me and I have considered one night stands before so I'll just give you my thoughts on that. I think I'm curious about sex in the same way I'm curios about the new flavour at my local ice-cream salon, if I don't go by it much I wouldn't be reminded of it and it would soon slip my mind and I could happily ignore it, but if I walk past the shop everyday and see that there's a flavour I haven't tried before at some point I will go in and buy some, just to know what it's like even if I already suspect that I might not like it.

I'm still not generally opposed to the idea of a one night stand, but a lot less keen on it after realising a few things. While I do have a libido (at least I think I do), I find it very hard to masturbate and if it took me years of experimentation to get it to feel good in any way, it's probably safe to assume a sexual partner won't get it right on the first try. Therefore my former assumption that it wouldn't be much different from masturbation is probably false, which means that any further assumptions based on that are also invalid. So I can't simply assume that I will enjoy sex, becase I like masturbation. Which is why , while I'm still curious I think I need my first time to be with someone I trust and who knows about my asexuality, neither of which would be given with a one night stand. Because if it turns out I really don't like it (which isn't probable but definitely possible) I need to be able to back out of it before it gets too far and I know myself well enough to know that would be easier with someone I trust than with a stranger or aquaintance.

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Hi, so your being sex-favorable and curious about it sounds a lot like me and I have considered one night stands before so I'll just give you my thoughts on that. I think I'm curious about sex in the same way I'm curios about the new flavour at my local ice-cream salon, if I don't go by it much I wouldn't be reminded of it and it would soon slip my mind and I could happily ignore it, but if I walk past the shop everyday and see that there's a flavour I haven't tried before at some point I will go in and buy some, just to know what it's like even if I already suspect that I might not like it.

I'm still not generally opposed to the idea of a one night stand, but a lot less keen on it after realising a few things. While I do have a libido (at least I think I do), I find it very hard to masturbate and if it took me years of experimentation to get it to feel good in any way, it's probably safe to assume a sexual partner won't get it right on the first try. Therefore my former assumption that it wouldn't be much different from masturbation is probably false, which means that any further assumptions based on that are also invalid. So I can't simply assume that I will enjoy sex, becase I like masturbation. Which is why , while I'm still curious I think I need my first time to be with someone I trust and who knows about my asexuality, neither of which would be given with a one night stand. Because if it turns out I really don't like it (which isn't probable but definitely possible) I need to be able to back out of it before it gets too far and I know myself well enough to know that would be easier with someone I trust than with a stranger or aquaintance.

Hm, that's a good point, and something for me to think about. Thank you for the input! (And thank you for outlining your train of thought, that was helpful.)

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