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Too much of a hassle?


CloakedSchemer

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CloakedSchemer

Alright so, because I identify as a pan/grey-romantic greysexual it makes it difficult to explain to others exactly what those labels mean to me. I mean, especially because most times I don't even 'get' myself. I'm on OKcupid (not sure if this was a good or bad decision on my part. Haha) and this causes me to have to ward off a lot of advances because people don't know how to read a profile...I also need to tell others my orientation so they don't get hurt, just as a common courtesy. I don't want to accidentally lead someone on when I think we're just having a wonderful conversation.

Anyway, after a while (and sort of from the beginning), I found it easier to just tell the people messaging me first thing that "I'm asexual. I just wanted to let you know first." Whenever I tell others this I feel like I'm lying a little, but it's much less of a hassle than trying to express that 'in a certain set of circumstances and if I actually even like you to begin with, I MAY be open to sexual relations with you'...it's just not worth it to get their hopes up or deal with all their questions?

My question sort of revolves around if others think that, when you are forced to identify your orientation and you don't think that you'll be talking to a person too much afterwards or you won't ever become close to them, is it just easier to call yourself 'asexual' rather than go through all the hub-bub of defining what 'greysexuality' means for you personally?

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I would say to just tell them you're asexual until you think you like them enough to tell them about your graysexuality. That just sounds easier to me, and I don't really see any harm in it.

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binary suns

Most people who I'll talk to about my sexuality I'll just say I am asexual. they don't need to know about the reasons why I'm grey. if I happen to have a partner, I'll probably explain what a QPR is and leave it at that.

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scarletlatitude

I do that too. I think it's easier just to say asexual than to explain how I can be asexual and hetero at the same time...

If it does become a relationship then the two of you would have to discuss sexuality eventually, and I think that may be the time to talk about your specific labels. That's how I would handle it. Until I'm sure I may want to participate in sex with a person there's no point in going through all of that.

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demiandproud

...can't really answer that question for you, except a level of hassle seems inherent to dating websites, so I'm wishing you good luck!

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...can't really answer that question for you, except a level of hassle seems inherent to dating websites, so I'm wishing you good luck!

Agreed. I don't feel that dating websites are set up for people who think through things a lot - it's too much like window shopping without being able to know the real person underneath, and you'll always end up filtering out a lot of people who don't care to take you seriously. However, I still think it's best to be as clear as possible going into a relationship. It's often hard to know how to explain or even bring it up, but it can prevent a lot of hurt/frustration.

I have tried telling people that I'm 'practically asexual', and that I'm celibate, even just saying 'I don't have sex'...hoping that they would understand the limitations of what they can expect from a relationship with me. This saves bringing up a long conversation (which can of course be awkward when just getting to know someone) about the technical points of sexuality, and this way I don't feel like I'm lying in claiming to be fully asexual.

But I don't know if it's lack of understanding in the culture about these things or what... the problem is that some people with completely normal sex drives will listen to me say this, and still think that they can talk me into having sex if they just work up to it slowly. I like to be physically close to someone, but I hate feeling that if I allow a someone to kiss me they're going to turn the whole friendship into a campaign towards the goal of getting my pants off or changing who I am. So based on my experience, I think you're right to err on the side of caution and just say you're asexual. Like scarletlatitude said, once you've gotten to know each other better, then it will be easier to have discussions about the details when and if they become relevant.

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Alright so, because I identify as a pan/grey-romantic greysexual it makes it difficult to explain to others exactly what those labels mean to me. I mean, especially because most times I don't even 'get' myself. I'm on OKcupid (not sure if this was a good or bad decision on my part. Haha) and this causes me to have to ward off a lot of advances because people don't know how to read a profile...I also need to tell others my orientation so they don't get hurt, just as a common courtesy. I don't want to accidentally lead someone on when I think we're just having a wonderful conversation.

Anyway, after a while (and sort of from the beginning), I found it easier to just tell the people messaging me first thing that "I'm asexual. I just wanted to let you know first." Whenever I tell others this I feel like I'm lying a little, but it's much less of a hassle than trying to express that 'in a certain set of circumstances and if I actually even like you to begin with, I MAY be open to sexual relations with you'...it's just not worth it to get their hopes up or deal with all their questions?

My question sort of revolves around if others think that, when you are forced to identify your orientation and you don't think that you'll be talking to a person too much afterwards or you won't ever become close to them, is it just easier to call yourself 'asexual' rather than go through all the hub-bub of defining what 'greysexuality' means for you personally?

Because labels are subjective (way I use one may not be how another will) non-binding realities (can change a label at will) I prefer avoiding them where ever possible.

Was on Cupid for a while and my informed opinion therefore is everyone on there is looking for sex. :) As on every other dating site. Short of a specificly asexual 'dating' site I've never been on, the assumption is they're hoping for sex. And that's fine unless you're not. Then it's tricky. :)

Though I had many sex-partners from these dating sites, I'm now looking fowards to actual friends, not sex-buddies (is another term but Im uncomfortable with profanity heh.) So if you're looking for sex they're great, but if not as with an asexual or some sort, they're less-than-ideal.

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