Being the only single friend - does it get easier?

[Emily-MMR]

How do people cope with the isolation that comes when all your friends are drifing away in romantic/sexual partnerships?

Because I'm in university right now and I struggle with period of feeling isolated and unimportant because a lot of my friends are dating and those romantic/sexual relationships come first; and I look at my parents social circle and it's all couples or a handful of people who are actively looking for a romantic/sexual partner. I'm definitely asexual and probably aromantic and I just can't see myself in a romantic or sexual relationship in the future, but I'm worried about what's going to happen in the future because I can already see so many of my social group starting to pair off, and I'm going to be the one left behind on my own while everybody else settles down into adult relationships.

[nerdperson777]

Well, I particularly want a queerplatonic relationship (basically the closeness of a romantic/sexual relationship without the romance or sex). I do get kind of lost sometimes. Everyone that I like hanging out with, I'm not as important to them as someone else on their mind. I'm close to two people, but one has a girlfriend and one has a brother. So when both of them are around, I'm basically stuck alone by myself on the computer, hoping some of my less close friends would talk or play a game with me. I wish someone would think of me as their most important person without all the normal relationship complications.

[OttRInvy]

Yeah, I worry about that sometimes. It's more of a distant worry, though, since my friend group is still young and so break ups are bound to happen.

As far as me personally being in a relationship, that's gonna take awhile. The way I see myself getting into a relationship right now involves being very good friends for years before dating. I can't see myself going out with someone before knowing I like them a lot. Like you said, relationships are a lot of work and I'm not going to make a commitment to someone I don't know that well. The term that I relate to is "storge love." Since I don't currently have a friendship like that, there's no one I really want to date. So, while I would really like to be in a relationship, it's more of a "someday" thing, then an "actively looking" thing.

Also, believe it or not, it's more annoying (at least for me) when a few of your friends are single. One of my guy friends is single currently and I'm single and two of my other friends had the brilliant thought "he's single, she's single, (they're both straight), they should date! Let's make weird comments about them dating until they realize the brilliant idea we just discovered!" So now they make awkward comments whenever we're getting along well which just makes me feel really uncomfortable and want to yell at them.

[Mikasa]

It's hard sometimes. One of my friends is getting married in two months and I'm afraid I'm gonna be the only person showing up alone. Not really looking forward to it. I'm also kinda worried about the future. I like being alone, but my entire life? I don't know. But getting a queerplatonic or asexual partner also doesn't seem very likely, so I guess I'll just have to learn being happy by myself. For me, staying busy with several hobbies helps with that. And yay for online friends and communities like this one :)

[Archon]

I've found that my friends who are involved in romantic and/or sexual relationships aren't consumed entirely by those relationships and still have time to hang out with me. People still have friends even when they are in intimate relationships, right?

I have to admit, it probably helps that I'm an introvert so I don't spend that much time with my friends to begin with. I'm happy with just seeing them occasionally. I'm sorry you struggle with feelings of isolation though. I hope it does get easier for you.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

Well there are several options here. You can keep making new friends, though many of those new friends will pair off too. Like Archon, I find that my married friends still like to hang out with me from time to time, even if I'm not their #1 priority (not sure I really want to be their #1). You can also join clubs. Find something you like and find a group of people to share that with.

As for going to a wedding solo, I just did that very thing. I danced my heart out on that dancefloor, until those slow songs came on. I only got the "there will be a lot of single ladies here" thing once and I was able to deflect it. You'll be fine, just don't show any interest in "hooking up" and DO NOT participate in the bouquet/garter toss. When the DJ announces it, just head to the restroom and hide. :)

[Sally]

As well as there being quite a few single people out there, as several commenters have said, married/coupled people still have friends. And most people don't tend to stay married forever, unless their religion requires it -- eventually some of those married people are going to be single again and needing friends.

[WünderBâhr]

Moved to the Asexual Relationships forum.

Bipolar Bear

Asexual Q&A CoMod

[butterflydreams]

I try to be a positive voice as much as I can around here, but regarding this topic? 8-Ball says "outlook not good"

Of course, your experience may differ, but mine has been none too pleasant. Sure, married and otherwise coupled folks have friends, but in my overwhelming experience, no matter how good your friendship, you become number 2 at best. I've lost count of the friends I've lost to pairing off over the years...all of them basically.

Maybe I have jerky friends and extenuating circumstances, but there you go.

[Sally]

I'd expect to be no. 2 with someone who is part of a couple -- that's what couples are, number one to each other. I don't know how many people would be number one to a friend -- that's usually not what friends are. I think that's kind of unrealistic to expect that of a friend.

[knout]

I wonder if the problem is really to be no. 2 or to not be no. 1 any longer - or not to have your own no. 1...

In any case, you might get lucky and find that your friend's partner is actually someone you can enjoy and time with your friend becomes kinda cool...If not, you'll probably find yourself enjoying more activities on your own. Basically you always find a way when you don't really have a choice

[butterflydreams]

I'd expect to be no. 2 with someone who is part of a couple -- that's what couples are, number one to each other. I don't know how many people would be number one to a friend -- that's usually not what friends are. I think that's kind of unrealistic to expect that of a friend.

To be fair, I've never even been bumped to just number 2. So I don't actually know. Hypothetically, number 2 probably isn't that bad. What I've experienced is the complete cold shoulder, and abrupt loss of contact.

As knout said, losing your number 1 like that sucks, and if you're "just" best friends and not lovers, nobody gives a shit. That's too bad, because I think it hurts just the same. And not being anyone's number 1 kind of stinks too.

[Sally]

And not being anyone's number 1 kind of stinks too.

Yes, it doesn't feel good, but thinking back over the people I've known well, many of them weren't number one to anyone. But if you expect to be, you will feel very bad if you're not. It helps to talk yourself into be more realistic.

[Squirrel Combat]

If I hadn't found AVEN, I would have committed suicide by now. :o

[potato-chip]

Just wait til your late 30s and 40s. About half those couples will get divorced, and they'll be looking for single people to hang with! :-P

[what fine marble]

I deal with this feeling/worry a lot too, particularly since one of my two best friends got married last month. My other best friend is in a fairly serious relationship as well. Kids are probably on the horizon! It feels lonely to me not because they're actively putting me second (and I don't expect to be their number one priority as a friend) but because it feels like they're somehow growing up and leaving me behind. There's that old traditional (rubbish) expectation in life that when you 'grow up' you'll eventually get a partner, usually get married, and probably have kids. That's just what people do, and then your focus is on your family: partner and children. Whereas when you're younger and single, your focus is more on your friends. I'm very aware lately that I won't have that traditional path in life, and what I do have is my friends. My friends in return have me, but they also have something else. People that enrich their lives when I'm not around. Meanwhile, when they're not around- which will likely only be more and more as that friends to family focus shift happens- I don't have an awful lot to fulfill me. So I'm trying to make an effort to get out more and meet new people, taking up some night classes/groups in the coming months, going to an AVEN meet-up next month... I suppose that's how you cope with the isolation? Finding more people and hobbies that enrich your life like your friends' partners do. I'm hoping it'll work for me anyway! My trouble is I struggle with mustering the confidence to try new things alone. I find just walking in somewhere I've never been on my own very daunting. From when I have done such things, it's never been as bad as I feared it might be though.