Anybody have experience being the "inaffectionate one" in a relationship?

[The Not So Impossible Girl]

I'm trying to research a bit about a certain kind of relationship situation to better understand a friend of mine. I feel like I can't really approach him about it (It's weird to go digging into a person's private life, let's be honest), but I'm just EXTREMELY curious and really want to understand his thoughts and emotions.

So this is the kind of person who, I'm told, has some issues showing affection. Specifically of the emotional variety. Or he may even completely lack any capacity to outwardly show affection for his romantic partner.

Since I feel like I can't approach him and ask him myself, I'm wondering if anyone on here has any similar experiences with being in relationships where their partner needs a certain amount of emotional affection (saying "I love you", complimenting, being obvious about caring for this person more than anyone else in the world), but they or you feel like you don't give enough?

What are your opinions on other people needing affection?

Would your partner incite guilt in you if they told you that they feel you are not being affectionate enough?

Are there reasons, conscious and subconscious, for why you don't show affection? Or is it just how you are?

Do you consider other things you do with your partner a good substitute for affection?

Would you be willing to "fake it to make it"? Would that feel too forced?


I may have more questions as the thread lengthens, but I think this is a good start.

Please, answer away!

[snvke]

I'm not good at being affectionate, may it be in friendship or anything else (that's why I don't hope to ever have a successful relationship).

I get to hear it a lot and I can't really tell you any reason, so I'd go for "it is just how I am", maybe I want to prevent myself from getting too attached.

I express affection by just always being trustworthy and honest with the other one, support them when they're going through hard times,

show my real silly self and talk to them about stuff they love even when I don't like it that much (seeing a friend being passionate about something is nice).

Alltogether I think the best affection is that shown through your actions, in my opinion words don't mean as much as actions.

[weedhopper1994]

I'm trying to research a bit about a certain kind of relationship situation to better understand a friend of mine. I feel like I can't really approach him about it (It's weird to go digging into a person's private life, let's be honest), but I'm just EXTREMELY curious and really want to understand his thoughts and emotions.

So this is the kind of person who, I'm told, has some issues showing affection. Specifically of the emotional variety. Or he may even completely lack any capacity to outwardly show affection for his romantic partner.

Since I feel like I can't approach him and ask him myself, I'm wondering if anyone on here has any similar experiences with being in relationships where their partner needs a certain amount of emotional affection (saying "I love you", complimenting, being obvious about caring for this person more than anyone else in the world), but they or you feel like you don't give enough?

What are your opinions on other people needing affection?

Would your partner incite guilt in you if they told you that they feel you are not being affectionate enough?

Are there reasons, conscious and subconscious, for why you don't show affection? Or is it just how you are?

Do you consider other things you do with your partner a good substitute for affection?

Would you be willing to "fake it to make it"? Would that feel too forced?

I may have more questions as the thread lengthens, but I think this is a good start.

Please, answer away!

I am a little confused about your the start of your statement....whether it is you or him not getting enough affection, but the best thing I would do is do activities that he enjoys.....camping, fishing, watching baseball. Try just holding hands this is a good way to "tell" the other that you care for them.

[The Not So Impossible Girl]

I am a little confused about your the start of your statement....whether it is you or him not getting enough affection, but the best thing I would do is do activities that he enjoys.....camping, fishing, watching baseball. Try just holding hands this is a good way to "tell" the other that you care for them.

Well, it's him not giving enough, as I understand it. I have these two friends. They are in a relationship. One is rather unaffectionate and one very affectionate.

Very affectionate one is haunted by unaffectionate one's unaffectionate-ness. She knows she shouldn't be, but the lack of affection just makes her feel like he doesn't really care about her. It's more of a gut reaction than what logic tells her. I know this to neither be true or untrue for certain, but I do believe that unaffectionate one is with her because he likes her. He is, as we say, "not a douche". He wouldn't be with her if he didn't like her (it may not be the way she wants to be liked, but he certainly thinks she's special). He is a good person. He is one of the few people that I instinctively unconditionally trust. But even so, I can't make an accurate guess as to what he thinks further than what I already have.

My friend just fears that if she told him how much his unaffectionate-ness bothers her, he would a) totally not care because he doesn't understand why it's important to her, and unknowingly break her heart in the process or b) begin to get scared about how much she actually needs out of a relationship.

So yeah, that's the thing.

This is why I seek to understand unaffectionate ones.

[Mx.Jekyll]

Hey, something I can relate to. I've been in a relationship with a sexual/allosexual person for 6 years. We've always struggled in the affection department because he is quite the clingy person, always needs to be needed, and needs physical touch...whereas I have anxiety and bipolar disorder which causes me to be rather touch averse majority of the time since I panic a lot and I'm just not into the whole physical thing anyway. That's not how I show my affection. So, onto your questions...

What are your opinions on other people needing affection?

I'm not sure what you're asking, tbh. I think everyone needs some sort of affection, whether that be physical or emotional, romantic or not. I think most people like and/or need to be needed because it shows that we matter. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but often others can't provide everything we're looking for. I feel sometimes that comes down to a lack of communication more than anything and the whole growing more comfortable together so there's not as much stress on being so "close," but sometimes people just don't or can't work together.

Would your partner incite guilt in you if they told you that they feel you are not being affectionate enough?

I definitely used to feel that way, yes. I've always been the reserved person that people kind of forget or never take notice to in the first place and it's always been because, well, I just didn't put myself out there. Translate that to a relationship, it makes me feel like my partner hasn't been open enough about how distant they're feeling and I feel guilty that I didn't take notice because I've never been very in-tune with people's inner thoughts. I'm very direct, very blunt and that's how I need people to be with me. So I used to feel guilty about it, but I don't know because I don't feel it's really my fault, or at least not entirely, because I can't control how I am in that sense and I tell people I don't get hints.

Are there reasons, conscious and subconscious, for why you don't show affection? Or is it just how you are?

I think it's mostly who I am. I think being an INTP has a lot to do with it haha. However, I do think I have a certain human fear of growing attached and getting hurt. Showing less affection keeps people at a certain level and makes it easier to handle future problems (losing touch, fights, etc) because I'm not as involved or invested and that can often come off as cold, but it's a coping mechanism.

Do you consider other things you do with your partner a good substitute for affection?

Definitely. I write poems and letters to my partner and tell them they look good or I like what they're wearing or that I appreciate something they did one time. That's all affection in my mind. I also consider gifts and dates and cleaning their laundry or helping them with homework or something to be signs of affection too. I don't do that stuff for anyone. I don't even do it for family...but I like to be like "Oh hey, I cleaned and folded the clothes you left at my house" or "I baked brownies and brought you one" or something simple and spontaneous like that for my partner. It shows I took a minute out of my day to show I care.

Would you be willing to "fake it to make it"? Would that feel too forced?

I don't fake anything. Feelings get hurt on both ends and I'm not about deliberately hurting someone. I'm willing to sit down and talk about things and compromise, but I'm not gonna pretend to be the clingy partner that my partner has always wanted. Nobody is perfect and I don't want to be.

Hope this is helpful!

[Star Bit]

Are you asking advice for him or just being curious?

1) Different people have different requirements and capabilities. In your friend's case, he just needs to look for people who are ok with his lack; they need to know that it's not going to increase in the future/not that much. He may lack the knowlage or capability in expressing his affection OR he could have no drive to express it in the first place, which is a type of Gray-romantic. More specifically, either Hyporomantic (low romance-drive) or Apathromantic (romance indifferent; prefix being apathy). Although the way he is isn't the majority, there are certainly other people like him.

2) Are you asking if i would feel guilty if they said that or if the partner intentionally guilt triping me is a valid action? On the latter, obligation does/should not belong in a relationship. On the former, it depends on how they word it. If it's the way you put it then no, but i would try to think of ways to exagerate or further display my affection (obviously?). Though if the partner asked for more "i love you"s/verbal reciprocation then no; aparently I'm very Japanese in my romance lol. It feels too much like stating the obvious/do i really have to remind you; do you have a memory disorder? And saying things so much eventually makes the words lose their meaning/sincerity. With something as serious and personal as love, i don't want that.

3) Past the "i love you"s it's just the way i am; doing those kind of things just doesn't come to mind/i don't have the urge to express it.

4) You mean do i view the time i spend with them as the way i express my affection? Good question, and yes. Simply being around them makes me happy and that's all i need.

5) If it was a nonverbal exageration, yes, but if it was completely fake, no; too forced.

[Restraint]

Would your partner incite guilt in you if they told you that they feel you are not being affectionate enough?
No, I have requested affection reminders because I feel its necessary to communicate often when unevenly matched :) I used to feel guilty because I wasn't meeting his needs (from insecurity from past relationships), but felt no guilt after we figured out how differently we operate. I feel obligated to fulfill his needs as I am able and he feels obligated to fulfill mine (by requesting something he'd rather I did intuitively) .

Are there reasons, conscious and subconscious, for why you don't show affection? Or is it just how you are?

I'm INTP (my husband is INFJ). I was never a hugely touchy or affectionate person, but scaled back what little I had after being in a few relationships because most sexuals are turned on by touch and compliments ;) I have told my husband that he has to tone down his reactions if he wants lots of touch and he has compromised with me as he likes hugs and kisses a lot :)

Do you consider other things you do with your partner a good substitute for affection?

I show my affection by actions, like making him lunch when he wakes up late ( he gets up 3 hours before me, so I have to get up to do this) or doing chores he's responsible for or helping him solve problems. I also try to check in on his feelings often so he feels cared for.

Would you be willing to "fake it to make it"? Would that feel too forced?

I also think verbal faking would be a major fail for me, but I fake the physical stuff as much as I can tolerate, lol. He always appreciates the gesture, even if I'm awkward :D

[JumpingJay]

I've only been in one relationship before and it stank. Both he (my partner) and I thought I wasn't affectionate enough, though then again, neither was he.

My opinions on other people needing affection? I think if they say they need affection, they need affection or at least need it in a relationship. Are you asking if I mind that others need affection? If so, the answer is no.

Would your partner incite guilt in you if they told you that they feel you are not being affectionate enough? My partner would tell me that he wished that I did a particular activity with him, but he never tried to guilt me and I never felt guilty because I, myself, wished we did more of the activities that he complained I didn't do. At the same time I told him that I wished he did those same activities because he would never do them. Now if we're talking about a relationship where I'm trying my hardest to be affectionate and my partner's affectionate, I would feel guilty if they told me that I wasn't affectionate enough. I haven't been in one like that, though.

Are there reasons, conscious and subconscious, for why you don't show affection? Or is it just how you are? I didn't show affection because I was too shy to and didn't want to feel awkward by being affectionate and then him not being in the mood or asking to do something affectionate. One of the only times I initiated attraction, I asked him if he would want to go on a date instead of just spending time together at school and he said it would be too awkward. I think that if I were to be in a relationship where beginning part is over and my partner was affectionate with me, I wouldn't be shy to initiate romantic and sensual acts of affection. Also since I've only been in one relationship, I'm not sure if it's normal for me to not show affection because of being too shy or if he just made me too shy to initiate affection. It's possible that I may not be so shy if I had been with a different type of person.

Do you consider other things you do with your partner a good substitute for affection?

I didn't do much with my ex. It wasn't a good relationship. What we did do was talk for hours everyday partially in person, but mostly on the phone and we disagreed a lot. Neither of us were satisfied in terms of affection. If I was in the spot of needing more affection though I would feel like doing activities together like looking at animals, going to the museum, watching movies together, etc. would not be a great substitute for physical acts like hugging and cuddling, but that's just because I personally find a different kind of joy in the physical acts.

Would you be willing to "fake it to make it"? Would that feel too forced? Not talking about my past relationship specifically, but if I had to fake affection then I wouldn't be dating the person in the first place. If I want to be in a romantic relationship with someone then I feel affection towards them so I don't think I'd have to fake it. Let's say then that I'm just not in the mood at that moment to be affectionate, if they wanted to be affectionate I would be fine faking it then. I would even be fine faking it if my partner was all the time just more affectionate than me. I would probably tell them though, that I'm not feeling affection all the times I'm doing the acts. If, however, on a regular basis they're wanting so much more affection that it's drowning me (which I don't see as likely because I want to be very affectionate in a relationship), then I would not be fine with faking it. Also if they want me to have sex, I will not be faking it since I just really don't want to do it.

[teeq]

What are your opinions on other people needing affection?

I think it is natural to need affection, however it's important to remember that each person can give and take different amounts of it.

In a relationship, I personally feel that it's easier if the people involved have at least a similar "degree of affection" they can give and receive, are compatible in that regard. It can absolutely work otherwise too, but (from my experience) it requires a lot of work, communication and sometimes sacrifices (from both the affectionate people and unaffectionate).

 

Would your partner incite guilt in you if they told you that they feel you are not being affectionate enough?

I think I'd be aware of it and would most likely agree, for one. However if my partner brought this up and voiced their discomfort I would try my best to consciously give more. On the other hand, if I was doing as much as I can without feeling horrible/forcing myself and it wouldn't be enough, I'd feel distressed that it's not enough to make my partner happy.

Are there reasons, conscious and subconscious, for why you don't show affection? Or is it just how you are?

I'm sure there are some things in my subconscious that are at play, but consciously it's just hard for me to do it? To some showing affection comes naturally, to some not. I have to make an effort to show more than a bare minimum. Sometimes it's because I'm uncomfortable showing affection, sometimes I'm preoccupied with other things, forget to show it, sometimes I don't get that my partner needs affection and when they need it if they don't tell me etc. etc. Honestly, communication is key.

 

Do you consider other things you do with your partner a good substitute for affection?

Absolutely. However if my partner doesn't know me well enough (which happens) it might be difficult for them to pick up on it/interpret those things as signs of affection. Again, communication is very important.

 

Would you be willing to "fake it to make it"? Would that feel too forced?

If my partner wants me to fake anything in our relationship chances are I will not be in that relationship for long. I would be willing to try, but it would most likely be the last resort. And yes, at least in my cases, it always felt too forced.

 

Basically, IMO mature and sensible communication is the way to go, especially in these situations.

I hope your friends work it out.

[FiddleKid]

I have never shown affection at all, I did try a relationship once (non sexual and non romantic) but it didn't work because the guy needed affection and I wasn't showing any whatsoever (I wanted to see what a relationship would be like and it didn't work). If other people need affection that's fine for them as long as they don't expect any from me.

No I wouldn't feel guilty an affectionate relationship does nothing for me.

I've just never been affectionate (I'm a bit repulsed by it)

Yeah if the relationship was built on other things apart from physical affection then yeah I could consider it.

And if I faked it it would be awkward and forced and I wouldn't be happy in the relationship. I've realised relationships don't work for me.

[Gwyn Ryan]

My most recent relationship broke up for pretty much this exact reason. Ultimately we just weren't compatible. I can't speak for others in terms of motivations, but for myself, the impulse to show affection spontaneously comes rarely. I have a tendency to be caught up in my own head a lot of times, I'm reserved and somewhat socially awkward, and in general, I'm mostly comfortable just being *around* someone I care about without the need for overt physical affection. So we ended up in situations where we'd both be in the same room doing different things and I was totally considering it 'together time' and she felt like I was ignoring her. I think people are just different, and when you end up discovering a mismatch in needs and expectations the best thing to do is to sit down and speak honestly about how you feel and what you need from the other person. Sometimes compromises can be made. Sometimes we misinterpret what we think of as 'signals' from another person and just knowing how they really think or feel can make things better. And sometimes, you find that you and your partner(s) are just too mismatched -- one of you really needs something the other just can't give, and then you have to determine whether there really is a future for the relationship. That's always going to be painful, and it's easy to blame yourself or blame your partner for one of you not being able to give what the other needs. But in the end it's no one's fault. It's not one person's fault that they are unable to or uncomfortable with showing affection, nor is it the other person's fault that they *need* that show of affection to be part of their relationship. It just might mean that the two are too mismatched to work.

[Xavy]

Ha ha .....every time I have ever tried to be in a relationship, I am always accused of not being affectionate or not being affectionate enough. I can't help it, that is who I am. I can fake if, but I don't care to. So whatever.

[VanGhost]

What are your opinions on other people needing affection? ​There is nothing wrong with other people needing affection. It is different for everyone.

Would your partner incite guilt in you if they told you that they feel you are not being affectionate enough? I would always listen to what my partner has to say and do what I can to reciprocate.

Are there reasons, conscious and subconscious, for why you don't show affection? Or is it just how you are? I'm sure there is both.

Do you consider other things you do with your partner a good substitute for affection? Giving my partner my attention or spend time doing what he likes.

Would you be willing to "fake it to make it"? Would that feel too forced? I believe that I have to be genuine to myself to be happy but I also make compromised out of love. To me faking it to you make it is just a fancy phrase for "try" I do a lot of things I don't want to do. To me relationships take work. It isn't all sunshine and roses.

[Whatever123]

I think everyone shows love in different ways. As for myself I don't say "I love you " very often, not even to my parents. Of course I love them I just never felt comfortable saying it, even as a child. But I always save the last Pepsi for my dad and pick up a candy bar for my mom. It's the little things that show how much you care.

[Megss.]

I've been in a relationship with a sexual for four years, and it has only been in the last year or so that my boyfriend has started joking about me being the 'unloving one' or just making comments about how I don't like him. I hadn't actually realised it, but he brought it up to me in the last few months that sometimes he feels like we aren't dating, because I don't show the same affection that he does. Just that it feels like we're friends. I always came back and said, "Well, would I kiss and cuddle with our other friends? No, I do show you affection." But I'm starting to realise now what he means. I've always had a problem with PDA's probably from when we were back in school and would gain hideous reactions from other people just for hand holding, but even when he's being really serious and open with how much he cares for me, I can't really seem to return that. Not because I don't care about him, but simply because I don't seem to share my affection with words much. I can't even get personal with my friends, either. Being deep just isn't something I'm good at. There are days where I'll latch onto him and just want to hug him for hours, and there will be days when I don't want to be touched, as well. Either way, I don't seem to show the same affection he does.

As for those questions...

What are your opinions on other people needing affection?

I completely understand other people needing affection, and I was pretty sure I was like this at the start of our relationship. I thought I would end up being the clingy one, wanting to be needed and loved, but it seems its the other way around with my relationship.

Would your partner incite guilt in you if they told you that they feel you are not being affectionate enough?

He has done that a number of times, actually. I do feel quite guilty for making him feel like we aren't in a relationship, but part of the reason I keep my distance sometimes is the fact that a lot of the time when we get touchy or kiss or whatever, I always have a fear that he's going to want more (like something sexual) and being Ace, I would like to avoid turning him down as much as possible, because I do it enough as it is (add a bit more to that guilt).

Are there reasons, conscious and subconscious, for why you don't show affection? Or is it just how you are?

One being the PDA thing, obviously. I think it's because I don't want to make other people uncomfortable, because seeing other people showing PDA's does that to me. So, showing PDA's with my boyfriend makes me uncomfortable. When we're alone though, I'll usually be happy to cuddle and whatever. As for everything else though, I think that's just how I am.

Do you consider other things you do with your partner a good substitute for affection?

Well usually when i haven't been affectionate for a while I'll turn into a complete leech and just hug him and want to cuddle for ages. Usually it'll be when he comes to stay at my place, because there's always no one around, and I'll try and make up for being distant that way. There's usually a lot of forehead kisses, too.

Would you be willing to "fake it to make it"? Would that feel too forced?

I don't even think I'd be able to fake it if I tried. As I said, PDA's make me uncomfortable, so even if I tried to do more of those, it would just feel bad, and I honestly don't even think about affection, I just do it, so I don't really realise when I'm being non-affectionate unless I'm doing it on purpose.