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Is it posible to be emotionally detached?


Lord Jade Cross

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Lord Jade Cross

Normally, the stereotype when it comes to sex is that the men are more physical/purely sexual and the women are more emotional. Now I dont wish to sound like Im wanting to enforce the idea of the stereotype, but I am curious, especially since I have difficulty and doubts when it comes to the idea of being involved.

Now Ive never engaged in sex and the closest thing to it would be watching porn as a method to achieve arousal. But to me, fanatasizing for example has to be strictly limited to never seeing myself in the act but being close to it. Like its ok to fantasize as long as I dont integrate myself directly in the fantasy (yea thisbis kind of hard to explain) or else it trigers a sense of disgust.

My question is probably more speculation or hypothesizing more than anything but would it be possible to so emotionally detached that even if I did ever engage, that it wouldnt trigger that sense of disgust?

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I have no idea if it's possible to "learn" it, but I'm usually detached in the sense that I'm not myself in fantasies. It's more like roleplaying; I get into the mindset of one of my characters, create a situation, and focus on the physical sensations.(It's a pretty great way to connect with my non-asexual characters too.)

I'm not disgusted by myself involved in those acts per se, but any mood or arousal or whatever I'm in would be utterly ruined the moment I think about "me". In fact I need to do the whole "me as a character" thing when I'm doing something with my partner. Otherwise I'd just be "Wtf am I doing here? Eh. Let's call this off, it's weird." Even though I do enjoy the physical part.

Not sure if that helps you though.

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Complicated answer. It seems a fact that sex somehow overrides common sense and similar i.e. distracts from a lot of things, your sense of disgust might be among those.

My personal issues are very different. - I can't enjoy doing anything outside a feedback loop with a partner, I need eye contact for example.

And yes, I'd yell "Cut!" as soon as I'd start to imagine myself in porn too.

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Scottthespy

Feeling aroused when watching without being a part of is voyerism, and its not so uncommon. But being emotionally detatched enough to not be disgusted at the idea of yourself IN the sex? That seems to defeat the purpose. If you're that emotionaly distant, you're probably not going to be feeling the arousal, in which case, why immagine yourself in that possition at all?

Actual porn workers can emotionally distant because...well, they're acting. They aren't getting NEAR as much pleasure out of it as they seem to be, and the shots are carefully scripted, choreographed, and shot and re-shot untill they've gotten it just right. You can get used to and desensitized to anything if you do enough of it.

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HypocryteHater

I'd assume that's how a prostitute or anyone who works in that business like say, a porn actor, pole dancer, stripper, go about their business. They have to be detached, else they would go insane. Maybe you could research in that direction?

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Lord Jade Cross

Interestimgly enough I know someone who worked as a stripper for a time. She told me she felt really uncomfortable when she did that line of work and quickly became bored with it too.

Another interesting piece of information I came across some time ago was about a girl who did porn for a while. She described the experience as wanting to get a feel for different things. She did say she enjoyed her time doing it (I think it was a couple of months at best).

It would make sense that the more diverse the experiences, the more, I guess ample picture can be obtained from something. Many actors may/may not like the line of work and simply see it as a quick means to an end.

The popular idea is that no one wants to willingly work in sex businesses and that most do it out of necessity. Im not sure if that is accurate or not though.

But I imagine that if they are capable, then to some extent, it must be doable?

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You can either learn to feel detached, or you can learn do overcome your disgust if you wish. It isn't impossible to do at all, I did it when i was younger.

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scarletlatitude

Are you wondering if it is possible to become detached from the process of having sex, so that you could still engage in sex without feeling repulsed?

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Lord Jade Cross

No.

I do wonder if its possible to be detached in order to not feel disgust if I imagined myself engaging.

I dont presently engage, nor have I in the past. There would probably be too many restrictions such as repulsion/adversion to sex, being touch adverse and generally not liking people. But Im curious to know if its possible to achieve it. Sort of wanting to know if im capable of it.

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Can you elaborate on that?

I meant that I did self-analysis to discover reasons for my disgust, and I made a list of both negative and positive elements about sex, both for me and for people in general. I eventually realized with time that I had no objective reason to feel disgusted, and that a part of my disgust came from pressure from others and from my very religious parents' ideology. It allowed me to learn to accept and love my emotions as a part of myself, whatever they are, to accept to experiment when I was curious, to accept to do what my body needs, and to accept to not do what it doesn't need. It's how I found peace.

But it took about a decade for me to change. It's quite a long process with no guarantee of success, but it allowed me to find peace of mind and for this reason, I'm really glad I did it.

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Lord Jade Cross

So you were you disgusted at the idea of wanting sex?

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Oh yes, and more than a little bit disgusted. It actually went even beyond that : I didn't desire sex but I was deeply disgusted at the idea of others desiring it, to give you an idea of how deep my repulsion was. In fact, it was some sort of phobia, so my disgust invaded my everyday life. Once I felt better, I started to want to experiment despite not desiring sex. I did it and I eventually learned to find it enjoyable in the right circumstances. I learned to know myself beyond what I imagined.

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Lord Jade Cross

So what made you change if you dont mind me asking?

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I realized that my disgust came from several things :

- pressure from others ;

- the toxic relationship between my parents, which has always disgusted me ;

- like a lot of people, I despised my emotions and my instincts, as like most Catholics (I was raised as one), I saw them as not as "pure" as reason.

Realizing these 3 things about myself radically changed my beliefs and my negativity.

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Lord Jade Cross

Interesting, seems like there are similarities to mine. Of the top of my head I guess I can name:

1) I have disliked people since an early age and it got progressively worse to the point where people disgusted me.

2) I was raised under Cristian believes and those always equated sex with the devil,impurity, etc. Though from a point on,religion began to bother me.

3) There was an unhealthy amount of pressure to conform from family (people too) Resulting in many discussions between parents and I

4) My parents are control freaks so they limited many things while saying that they did so in the name of "whats best for you" (typical abuse of power excuse)

5) Upbringing included bases of perfectionism.

6) I see logic as superior simply because emotions have only ever lead to pain.

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You're like me when I was younger.

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Lord Jade Cross

7) There hasnt been any mildly decent level of trust between parents and I for years.

8)Lack of trust as well as unwillingness to listen and simply use of passive aggresive tactics to impose ideals hasnt lead to any worthwhile discussions.

9) I have a growing sense of hatred for my parents.

10) Unchanging enviroment

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Same here, although it isn't the same with my father and with the rest of the family, but globally, that's a part of how I came to hate the ideas of sex and romance when I was younger. That's a part of why I hated people too.

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Lord Jade Cross

So what was the turning point? What lay the ground for changing the way you saw the rest of the world? What pushed you to find that path in which you realized why you felt that way?

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scarletlatitude

I realized that my disgust came from several things :

- pressure from others ;

- the toxic relationship between my parents, which has always disgusted me ;

- like a lot of people, I despised my emotions and my instincts, as like most Catholics (I was raised as one), I saw them as not as "pure" as reason.

Realizing these 3 things about myself radically changed my beliefs and my negativity.

I was raised Catholic too. I know what you mean. :unsure:

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So what was the turning point? What lay the ground for changing the way you saw the rest of the world? What pushed you to find that path in which you realized why you felt that way?

I realized that instincts and emotions aren't impure or inferior. Classifying these things as "impure" only leads to hatred and to my own unhappiness. They contributed to my depression and they were the result of my upbringing and of the fact that others forced me to do or feel things that I didn't understand.

It was the same thing (others forcing me to a point where I started to hate the thing) why I hated sports when I was a teenager. I eventually realized that sports were nice but what I hated was when my teacher forced me to exercise and horribly suffer while I suffered from some heart condition, something that was discovered only later in my life. My teacher forced me beyond my capacities to the point where I went to hate exercise. It created a biased view in my mind. I realized with time that what was to blame wasn't sports, but my teacher who didn't realize that I was sick. Now I enjoy exercising, when I'm in the mood for it of course.

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Lord Jade Cross

But even if I learned to not be disgusted by it, this wouldnt necesarily mean that I would start seeking sex as hating/being disgusted isnt an opposite of loving (despite popular belief)

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Yes, it would just mean that you would be free to do (or not do) whatever you want. You can experiment if you want, you can do nothing if you prefer. But I love this feeling of freedom I have now :)

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Lord Jade Cross

Hmmm. Even if i wasnt disgusted, sex sounds like an activity that has too many risks and little, if any, benefits.

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Yes, if you aren't sexually attracted to someone, partnered sex doesn't really have any benefits compared with solo activities. The only benefits is being able to try things that are impossible to do without somebody else.

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Lord Jade Cross

Sounds to be more of a possible co-op activity like playing a board game than a benefit.

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Lord Jade Cross

Also, just how much of an inhibitor would lack of sexual attraction be?

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