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Your Crush's Past Partners


Otakon

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Demisexuals:

How much does the knowledge of your crush/potential SO's past sexual history affect the decision of pursuing a relationship with them?

I don't see myself falling for someone with an extensive sexual history because it indicates, to me, moral/emotional incompatibility. Especially when they describe their relationships as some sort of scoreboard achievement. It makes me wonder if I'm just another tally mark on the wall.

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andreas1033

I suppose you can interpret it in so many ways.

I am glad i never had nout to do with others, but i would think for many of those people that are after interactions with others it may put of some. I always found it funny that females had lists of blokes they would like to go with.

Glad i will never be on any of them.

Glad i was removed from there lists, lol

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I don't see myself falling for someone with an extensive sexual history because it indicates, to me, moral/emotional incompatibility. Especially when they describe their relationships as some sort of scoreboard achievement. It makes me wonder if I'm just another tally mark on the wall.

They're not past relationships if they're described that way. They were just casual sex. Being together "just for fun" is not what I would call a real relationship, personally.

That said, if they had fun, there is nothing wrong with it. And someone can just want some fun at some point in life and dramatically change later. Actually, a lot of people have a lot of casual relationships in their early twenties and get happily married in their late twenties.

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I'm not demi, but I am grey-a.

I'm honestly not bothered by the number of people my partners have slept with. The only thing that bothers me is whether or not they were safe or if they've been exposed to STDs/STIs. I refuse to be intimate with anyone that doesn't talk openly about sex with partners, hasn't been safe and tested, or is opposed to being safe and tested. I know that sometimes people end up in certain situations and use sex as an escape, so I don't hold that over their heads...plus, I just honestly don't care. Everyone goes about sex differently and it's not my place to say what is morally right or better in someone else's life. As long as people are safe and tested, that's what matters~

However, I am not a trophy. Even if people are safe and tested, I don't feel comfortable being intimate with anyone that sees me as something to be won. It's not a race to see when I'll sleep with someone or if it happens at all. I'm not going to have someone going around telling everyone else they slept with me and how it was or anything. Safe and respectable and we're good~

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TooOldForThis

I don't care how many past partners a crush has had, or who those partners were. However, if I notice that my crush likes to rant about and insult their previous partners - if they view all their past relationships as horrible, and completely due to their partners' failings rather than their own - I typically choose not to pursue a romantic relationship with them. It's sort of a red flag, I guess.

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allrightalready

i don't judge peoples pasts, i have one that i don't want to be judged by

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I don't really think about it. It strangly doesn't bother me (and I say strangly because I realized that this is not exactly the norm). If he's been with a lot of people, OK. I might check to see if he's only wanting something casual before investing too much emotionally, but that's usually something I can sense before he actually gets around to asking me out and it doesn't stop me from giving him a shot. One of my longest relationships was with a guy who had slept with a lot of women before me. We dated for a little over two years and were discussing marriage and broke up when things went long distance. And I don't really know exactly how many women he slept with because it doesn't occure to me to ask.

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I kinda like the idea of a clean slate so I don't really care if they had many or no partners...

But after having experienced it once, I suppose you can learn a little about how they treat people if you listen carefully when they talk about their previous relationships. (Mind you it goes both ways)

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Hidden Greg

I can second the feeling of emotional incompatibility, although I'm not sure in my case it really pertains to being demi.
As if societal pressure to pursue casual sex weren't enough, I now feel as though I can't afford to wait for a stable relationship to engage simply because... the one person I have been in a relationship with, us initiating that relationship was on the basis of our shared desire for long term commitment. Which she had wanted in her previous relationships yet despite sexual activity, didn't work out.

It made my confidence in someone's stated desire alone a bit more shaky. Perhaps I'd rather date people whose sexual history, if they have any, encompasses only that which they only ever saw as casual. I don't think I can cope with the idea that when a potential date had sex with one of their previous partners, in that moment, they had it fully in mind they would stay together, and they didn't. What does that indicate for their relationships going forward, you know? Am I making any sense? And... I don't want to end up doing that either, because if I did, I feel I'd be asking of potential partners something which I couldn't offer them in kind.

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ScarlettRose

I, personally, am very Iffy on it. I think its not so much the number count, as it was the emotions involved. My Boyfriend on the other hand was bother greatly by it when we started dating, which was strange to me at first considering i mightve had alot of relationships or something, but i was never sexual with any of them. Romantic, yes, but i was still a virgin!! Then i thought its probably the same way i feel about it, not the acts but the emotions and feelings felt and shared. Im only his 3rd real relationship, and he was just about to turn 18 when we got together. We had a few tiny discussions about it, and to calm his worries i unfriended and unfollowed all my exs from social media, which he appreciated and made him feel good. ever since we just never really talk about it. it still bothers him after all this time so i try my best to avoid any conversations related to past relationship, which really i dont mind! It may not seem like the greatest way to deal with the issue, avoiding it, but its working for us so why bother changing something that works fine.

To sum up what im trying to get at; just talk it out with them, the more u talk it out the more youll really see what theyre motives might be and u can decide where to go from there. Ither turn around and run for the hills if they want u as a tally for their score board, or work something out with them that makes u both comfortable if they seem genuine but just have had experience or went through a tough time in their life, or something of that non-cocky competition scoreboard nature. lol.

You cant let that fear of being a tally hold u back from potentially entering the most amazing relationship of your life, and you cant jut assume everyones bad, trust me! There are ALOT of people with ill intentions, but theres also alot of people who are genuine and pure and just looking for the same thing you are. My mom use to tell me "Out of every 10 people you date, 1 will be 'good,' and that 1 is what makes the other 9 worth it, because those 9 were just learning experiences put in your life to help you figure out what youre looking for and what youre not. so without those wrong people, you wouldnt know what you want to be happy, and the more you know what it is youre looking for, the easier it will be to find the one that will make you the happiest you you can be!" God bless her soul

I dont know if that helped at all, but i hope you and anyone who takes to time to read this keeps that in mind when youre crying over a bad break up or is skeptical about entering a new relationship. :cake: ^_^

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Also not exactly demi, but the way I see it, having sex for a first time is not as important as having sex with a new partner for the first time -- which is, in turn, just as special as being together any other time after that. When I think of it that way, I'm able to find a lot of genuineness in my relationships, past and present. It's all about appreciation, for me: I go into kind of a trance when I do anything intimate, so that everything just feels immeasurable. As long as my partner feels the same way about me, I don't have any problems.

This was a conclusion I had to reach for my own sanity, because I gave a lot of my 'history' to an abusive partner and I felt for a long time that I wasn't worth as much in a relationship because of that. But I don't ever want to regret being in love -- especially since my love for most of my exes has just transformed into a different type of love.

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My past partners are important people to me, so I'm usually quite upfront in talking about them to future partners.

Neither my partners nor myself have tended to have a vast sexual history (if any at all), but it isn't really consequential to me as long as I don't get the impression that I'm just another "conquest" or something to them.

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In some cases, I'd be ok with someone having ex's. That's completely fine, and there's nothing wrong with it. But if they keep bringing them up, or comparing me with them, or anything along those lines and I'll probably start getting annoyed with it.

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Another not-quite-demi-maybe here. I don't care at all how many people a possible partner of mine has been with depending on what I want out of the relationship and what types of relationships said partner had with others. If the person I'm interested is known to be fond of hookups or even to only see people as "things to be had," I try to be aware of it before I get into my feelings. I may or may not be turned off- it all depends on how I feel at the time. Seeing as my attraction can cut off randomly, though rarely, it can be better for me at times that my partner be interested only on the surface or that they want to move on quickly. However emotionally involved I am with a person, I don't always want them to feel the same way towards me, so sometimes I don't mind flings/conquests and the like.

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