CricketCrosby Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I am nearly in a relationship with a straight male (I'm a heteroromantic asexual female). A few weeks ago I had my first kiss, which made me very nervous, but now I'm okay with it. We've made out twice and the second time my panic faded away. He is an extremely gentle person and we hardly discuss or communicate about this when it isn't happening. Mostly we are just really great pals but we have exchanged i love you's and spend all our free time together. I think of kissing him like kissing a cute kitten, it isn't sexual for me, but'm pretty sure it is for him. I want to take the relationship to the next level because I adore him and think about him all the time. I really want to make him happy but I know one thing that would make him happy (I get the occasional very subtle hint then he gets ashamed because he knows my orientation) and I kinda just want to know I can go through with it so if we were in a relationship i could do that for him occasionally. If I can't handle it, like maybe after the third time because the first two will be understandably not so great, I would be happy to make him happy. But there's no way he would ask me for that. I feel like he is very confused and we aren't good with words. What are some verbal and non verbal ways to let him know I'm willing to experiment? He understands that asexual sometimes have sex but I never said i was and I don't think he assumes that. I think he'd be opposed to bringing that up out of respect and I am because its a strange topic and I rarely can spit things out, I wouldn't know how to say it. So, do any more experienced aces out there have any advice? Ways to show him? How to drop a hint? Or even how to "get him going" in that direction and encouraging him? Since I am not sexual i need to be guided and he is too nervous to show me the way so to speak (bless him). I want to see if I can do it, and at 22 I feel like I can make that choice and he's the only person on earth I would make that choice for. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ThaHoward Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 It could be an idea to tell him that you're asexual early in the relationship. However if you're not that great with words, and you want to have sex with him there is ways to show it to him. Everything from hinting to it through flirting. Then you got the more obvious ways, when you're making out. Basically leading on to the sex, however it can backfire if he don't want to :P Anyway, communication is important here, and if you don't wanna take it up verbally then you can do it physically while making out or something. It is pretty vague, but it is highley individual and it is some things that.. just happen. So in the end, it'll be all up to. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
CricketCrosby Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 He does know I'm asexual and respects it. The problem is, I've never had sex ed, the talk, any conversations with my parents about the birds and bees, or watched any dirty movies. In plays when told to flirt i imitated silent films. When kissing I just do what he does. I don't know how to let him know. He's told me I'm very innocent and childlike so on top of being asexual he's got my personality making him not interpret things as sexual, which I appreciate. Literally once we made out a bit but I stopped because something funny happened on Spongebob. I feel bad for the poor boy, how can he read any of this? But again, I don't know what to do, sometimes I just pat him on the head and say, "good! You're alright, I'll keep you" if he says anything romantic. There needs to be a guide for asexuals on how to behave sexually when you're inclined to do that sort of thing lol its not like this stuff comes naturally to me, I have nothing to go by Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ThaHoward Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Oh then I see. I can get the things by being easiley distracted while making out. But if you have that kind of issues with knowing how to have sex, you should really talk to him. And you don't really need to do much more when being romantic that giving him compliments, say what you like about him and so on. And for the sex things, well you could try to touch him at places, and see how he reacts, and who knows, perhaps he follows up or you can ask him to well, do the same. Other than that, I would suggest googling these things, and see answers from sexologists and health workers about having sex. Now I'm mostly thinking about things to teens and so on. Hope that helps, it is difficult to explain how to have sex :P It things that happen naturally more or less. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ricecream-man Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 The specifics of sex and the mechanics of it I'm not going to go into publically on forum. It just doesn't feel AVENy for me personally. When initiating though, it's straightforward. Just tell him. Something along the lines of "I want to give it a shot." Or "Hey, I think I want to try it.", while being firm and explaining it to him is a good place to start. After that, if he hesitates, just guide him in continuing. If you're unsure about non verbal cues, it's okay to tell him "it's okay" or "keep going." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nadia Hope Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Make sure you really want to have sex with him. Don't do it just for him. Doing a thing that you will later regret isn't great. And just talk to him, openly about what you want to do and that you want to try things out. You can write him a letter and give it to him to read, maybe that would be easier for you. Communicate what you want from him. And if you do decide to have sex with him, just be safe, as in, don't forget condoms :) Good luck! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 He does know I'm asexual and respects it. The problem is, I've never had sex ed, the talk, any conversations with my parents about the birds and bees, or watched any dirty movies. In plays when told to flirt i imitated silent films. When kissing I just do what he does. I don't know how to let him know. He's told me I'm very innocent and childlike so on top of being asexual he's got my personality making him not interpret things as sexual, which I appreciate. Literally once we made out a bit but I stopped because something funny happened on Spongebob. I feel bad for the poor boy, how can he read any of this? But again, I don't know what to do, sometimes I just pat him on the head and say, "good! You're alright, I'll keep you" if he says anything romantic. There needs to be a guide for asexuals on how to behave sexually when you're inclined to do that sort of thing lol its not like this stuff comes naturally to me, I have nothing to go by Get yourself some education before you try anything sexual. Get some sex ed books out of the library, look on YouTube for highly rated sexual education videos, no one should try sex or anything sexual with literally no knowledge of anything to do with sex (including diseases, pregnancy prevention, how to make sex fun and enjoyable for both people etc etc) a female especially NEEDS to know these things before trying anything sexual, due to the risk of pregnancy and the fact that sex can be much harder for a female to enjoy than it is for a male (if the female isn't aroused enough, or not enough lube is used, sex can even be very painful and uncomfortable, no matter how 'gentle' the guy is) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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