I can't have sex

[scaredasexual]

Please please can someone try and help me

I'm an 18 year old girl and I've realised I'm asexual because I don't experience sexual attraction and I never have. However I really want to be able to have sex with my boyfriend. I've read that asexuals can still experience arousal during sex just through physical stimulation etc, but my body doesn't work, I don't get wet but worse my cervix doesn't retract so no more than 4 inches can fit inside of me. I don't know what to do and I've not seen anyone else have this problem. I feel completely alone and it's making me so depressed, almost suicidal.

Does anyone know any thing I can do or has heard of this before?

[ixi]

Hi and welcome to AVEN! Do you want to have sex with your boyfriend to please him or do you want to have sex with him because it's your wish/desire?

[Nymra]

What ixi just stated is very important to know.

Please, don't force yourself to something. Maybe a little talk with your boyfriend would help.

[knout]

What others say is quite important, if you do actually want to go ahead it might be something you'd want to discuss with your ob/gyn I'd reckon.

It's not something you have to do but if it makes you feel depressed and suicidal you should look into its reasons

[The_Verse]

^^ I agree with what everyone above has said.

But also, I saw a Sexual Psychologist for a while because I was having physical problems and I found she was really brilliant! Maybe that is something you can look into?

[scaredasexual]

My boyfriend doesn't know about these issues and it's not something he's forcing me into, it's been a year and a half and he hasn't pressured me for sex because he thought I just wasn't ready, personally I don't mind the idea of sex and it is something I would like to do to please him but unlike other asexuals I physically can't.

^^ I agree with what everyone above has said.

But also, I saw a Sexual Psychologist for a while because I was having physical problems and I found she was really brilliant! Maybe that is something you can look into?

Was this a similar problem to me? I want to be intimate with someone and in not repulsed by sex, just indifferent, but the physical I capability is what's making me depressed because I feel like in the future so many people won't understand and I'll lose people because no sex is a deal breaker - even though I would be prepared to do it if that makes sense?

I feel like if I go and talk to someone they won't understand the problem and just put it down to something like low libido or childhood trauma ( which I didn't have) or something like that

[MoraDollie]

When you say physical capacity, do you mean that your dry in your girl bits/pieces? If it's that, don 't worry about it. There's lube products (natural/organic and otherwise) to help girls with those issues. I, myself, almost always need lube because I just naturally don't produce a lot of fluid down there. If it's a matter of "I think they're too big", the average dick size is between 5-8 inches long. Your cervis is on average 3-4 inches deep and has the capacity to expand 200x its own size (due to birthing circumstances).

Foreplay! Seriously, foreplay is basically a thing to help both the girl and boy prep their own body for sex. Touch here, kiss there, experiment with different touches. Don't be afraid to pull out the kink stuff as well (hand ties-make sure they aren't silk!-, handcuffs, etc). Different girls/boys like different things. Like others have suggested, a sex psychologist can really help you as well (possibly regularly counseling too). If the lube and/or the foreplay still doesn't make things happen, considering seeing your gyno, because the problem may be vaginismus, which is a painful vaginal condition.

[andreas1033]

In your mind, can you imagine having sex with a boy/man/your boyfriend?

That is the question you need to ask.

[AwkwardGuy]

First of all, I understand how you are feeling. I've been partially to completely impotent for most of my life, beginning with my first experience of physical intimacy. During my early adulthood and much of my middle age, my problem was mostly due to anxieties and insecurities, and possibly due to some kind of physical/neurological issue that became worse with anxiety.

I'm telling you this, because it is very possible that you are not an asexual, but rather you are experiencing some very severe anxiety issues and insecurities about physical intimacy. In my opinion, your physical difficulties sound anxiety oriented, since I've known others with these same symtpoms who were not asexual. I'm concerned that you are labeling yourself too quickly as being an asexual, when the issue could be related to anxiety or fear, which possibly can be resolved at your young age.

You said:

I feel like if I go and talk to someone they won't understand the problem and just put it down to something like low libido or childhood trauma ( which I didn't have) or something like that

I'm in my fifties, and I'm still not clear as to why I've struggled so much with my sexuality. The bottom line is that there could be one or more biological/neurological, genetic, and/or psychological reasons for my problem.

My recommendation is that you take the pressure off of yourself, and be willing to explore your feelings and physical reactions to physical intimacy, even if that includes visiting with various psychotherapists (until you find a helpful one). At this point, you don't understand what is shutting you down in this way, and I don't think you should jump to conclusions, including the conclusion that you are asexual. .

In some ways, I think that the huge list of terms related to asexuality is more confusing than helpful. We search for a word or set of words that best describes our sexuality, but it is too easy to fit ourselves into a definition that sounds close to what we experience, but does not quiet grasp the truth of our situation. And sometimes, we unconsciously pressure ourselves to fulfill a definition or diagnosis, but later on realize that we missed something important. Close enough is not always the truth, and it may be far from it. So be very careful not to label yourself as this or that, until you feel confident that you understand your situation, and all of its complexities.

[Tarfeather]

So it's a medical issue that makes you unable to have sex. I really think you should be upfront about that with your partner. He doesn't even have to understand about asexuality to understand that..

[Guest]

What are you thinking about when you're trying? You know how people say sex is as much mental as physical? Well... if you're worrying/stressing about it the whole time, your body is not going to relax, your muscles will tighten and all that and it can be really painful. The best thing I found was to try to take my mind OUT of the situation completely, to allow my body to relax. I think of other things, songs, movies, whatever. Or, focus on the things I do enjoy - the kissing and such.

A bit TMI below:

Also, I assume this is your first time ? So, take it VERY SLOW. Don't just jump to penetration. Spend a few weeks with him using his hands, or his mouth, even though you may not enjoy it... it will help your body prepare for penetration.

You can use lubricant if you're naturally dry, some people are. And he might need to CAREFULLY insert himself until it reaches a point where it hurts, then stop, back up, and just let your body relax.

I don't enjoy sex. I don't get turned on. I don't get mentally/emotionally aroused. So, I kinda have to FORCE my body to accept sex through mental exercises and just forced relaxation. If you're relaxed, a certain type of physical stimulation should produce enough of a physical response to allow sex to happen. If not, then it's a medical issue and you should see your doctor. But, for example, with my current partner... it took over a month of having sex before he could actually do penetration properly because it hurt/caused me to bleed every time, so it had to be slow and careful to get my muscles used to what they had to do.

Only do this if you WANT to do it though. There is no reason to if it's not something you really want.

[The_Verse]

My boyfriend doesn't know about these issues and it's not something he's forcing me into, it's been a year and a half and he hasn't pressured me for sex because he thought I just wasn't ready, personally I don't mind the idea of sex and it is something I would like to do to please him but unlike other asexuals I physically can't.

^^ I agree with what everyone above has said.

But also, I saw a Sexual Psychologist for a while because I was having physical problems and I found she was really brilliant! Maybe that is something you can look into?

Was this a similar problem to me? I want to be intimate with someone and in not repulsed by sex, just indifferent, but the physical I capability is what's making me depressed because I feel like in the future so many people won't understand and I'll lose people because no sex is a deal breaker - even though I would be prepared to do it if that makes sense?

I feel like if I go and talk to someone they won't understand the problem and just put it down to something like low libido or childhood trauma ( which I didn't have) or something like that

You talk until you both come to a conclusion. They don't just decide something, usually. My issue was physical and she gave me some numbing gels and creams and some advice.

When you say physical capacity, do you mean that your dry in your girl bits/pieces? If it's that, don 't worry about it. There's lube products (natural/organic and otherwise) to help girls with those issues. I, myself, almost always need lube because I just naturally don't produce a lot of fluid down there. If it's a matter of "I think they're too big", the average dick size is between 5-8 inches long. Your cervis is on average 3-4 inches deep and has the capacity to expand 200x its own size (due to birthing circumstances).

My Sexual Psychologist helped me with my physical issues but that might be because we don't really have gynos over here?

[Autumn Season]

BTW a relationship can work without sex, depends on how important sex for your partner is. Also, it is possible to live happily without a relationship. Hopefully you already know all of this.