Jordanrose445 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Hey, so I'm 19 and I'm still a virgin, but, when I was a kid, I was molested by two different people and a little over a year ago I was raped (forced to give oral sex). I've always been sort of weird about this kind of stuff, like all three of my relationships have lasted less than two months and even thinking about sex gives me this really nervous, sick feeling. It's only gotten worse since what happened last year, but I just really don't understand what's happening in my brain. Is there a way to tell if this is stemming from the abuse or if it's just how I am? I sort of have the desire to do it sometimes, but if I make plans with someone with the intention of losing my virginity, I have really really bad panic attacks and usually pass out and/or get sick just in anticipation. I'm just worried that this is something I can fix, but I don't know how. Any advice would be amazing, thank you. ❤️ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The_Verse Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I'm sorry that happened to you. Have you spoken to a therapist? They're not always right, but they can help you sort through your thoughts a little. It would be great to hear from any aces that may feel the same level of anxiety. I'm not sure if that's common. If it's not, then it could possibly be something psychological? The main question would be: Do you experience sexual attraction? I'm not sure that anyone here will be able to give you any definitive answers, but I hope we can help :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SkyWorld Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Hi, I'm so sorry to hear that that has happened to you. Whether the abuse has "made you" asexual or not, we're not professionals... and I would suggest seeing a therapist, not because if you're asexual or not, but because of the trauma itself. Whether you would still identify as asexual or not, at least you would get the help that you need in regards to the trauma. And welcome to AVEN! :cake: We're a friendly bunch and if there's anything, please remember that we are here for you and support you. I wish you only the best of luck! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The_Verse Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 At the end of the day, what makes you most comfortable? Would you like to ID as asexual? Do you find that helpful? If it isn't helpful, don't use it. It's not a fixed thing. No one can force you to identify as something. We're about choice here at AVEN. <3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RatherBeReading Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Hi, welcome to AVEN! I've actually been wondering some pretty similar stuff about myself lately. It's hard to tell whether your asexuality comes from the abuse or is just part of you, but what I've come to realise is that the only thing that matters is whether or not you are happy to be this way. Do you WANT to want sex? Or are you a-okay with it not being your cup of tea? I think those are some things you need to ask yourself, and then you won't worry so much about the why or the how. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Contrarian Expatriate Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I agree with the other posters that you should seek to explore the impact with a professional, because the abuse might or might not be related. However, I applaud you for being brave enough to consider that the issue MIGHT be related to abuse because the impulse on AVEN tends to be a flippant, "It is just that Asexuals were born that way," which is childish and an oversimplification. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
WünderBâhr Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Whether asexuality can or cannot be caused by trauma is the subject of much debate within the asexuality community. Point blank, no diagnosis can be made here; only comparison to experiences, and offering terminology when applicable. To state opinions as childish or oversimplified is returning said oversimplification and not being very constructive, imo. Having said that, I am truly sorry that you have had to experience such terrible things, Jordanrose. No one should have sex or intimacy forced on them against their will. I would echo the other posters in considering speaking to someone qualified to handle trauma therapy and recovery, as that could be useful in managing healing from those past experiences. Whether or not you find that identifying as asexual fits or changes for you, I cannot say, but you are more than welcome to the community, regardless. Not everyone here will agree in how asexuality is defined, but we do have a common goal of respect and support. I hope you are able to get the answers you seek, however it happens for you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
scarletlatitude Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I am asexual and have never experienced such a trauma. It is possible to be asexual regardless of the abuse. As for if the abuse made you to be asexual, I agree with the posters above me -- that is something you will have to explore on your own, possibly with a therapist. Keep in mind too that there are various sexual terms. It's not just sexual or asexual. There are many others -- grey, demisexual, pansexual, etc. If you feel like you want to have a word to identify your sexuality, you have a lot of words to choose from. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Calysto Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Having a toxic parent combined with really bad memory recollection made me wonder for i while if i was sexually abused in the past (still not sure tbh, my mom wont tell me anything). I've also had experiences with anxiety around even romance, which could be ptsd or just sex-aversion (no idea which one, though0 the point is, even if i had been abused, my asexuality wouldn't be any less valid. and that applies to you too. this is the part where i say what everyone else has been saying, because the choice to identify as ace is your choice. Don't be pressured to label yourself as something youre not comfortable being. i wish you the best of luck in figuring things out Quote Link to post Share on other sites
WheelCuddle Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I think that asexuality is on a sexual spectrum. A spectrum implies you can shift states, you don't have to think about it as a rigidly defined state of being. It may be that your time on the asexuality side is temporary, it may be that it is not. I know there is a strong desire to understand what exactly you are, I certainly feel that myself. But the more I accept my sexuality the more I see that not everything stays neatly in a box, things are moving, changing. People often move and change their minds in life in general. I don't think it would hurt to talk to a professional, but at the end of the day, only you can know how you feel, in this moment, today. Embrace how you currently feel, regardless of how permanent it is. You are not a fraud if you don't make a lifelong commitment to being one thing. The Asexual Mafia is not going to come after you and break your legs, promise. Edit: Had some more thoughts. It's very clear you don't want to have sex right now, but you've felt some pressure to do so anyway. The worst thing you can do for yourself is beat yourself up for not being who you "should" be. Be who you are, not what you think you should be. I know it can seem like if you don't have sex no one will want to be with you, but this community itself is proof that there are people who can accept your choices. Life isn't so black and white. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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